Post by oneinamillion on Nov 30, 2011 10:52:06 GMT -8
This past three weeks have been hell! I wish this was all a nightmare and I would suddenly wake up and realize everything is ok...
So after 2 months going to CoDA and SLAA groups and working on my love addiction, my POA, for whom I basically moved to this city in spite of knowing he was in a relationship with someone else, gets in touch with me.
I called my sponsor and she advised me no to respond to his messages but I did, and I saw him a few times, and I ended up having sex with him... I thought I would be able to handle it, but I obviously wasn't and the day after I was already freaking out.
So in my first attempt to go into NC, I told him I wanted to see him and talk (I wanted closure). We went out to lunch, and I couldn't get myself to tell him any of the million things I had in my mind. But I did tell him not to get in touch with me cause I was confused, and that I'd contact him when my thoughts were more clear... I though I was ready then to go into NC.
Then I decided I had to talk to him cause "maybe, just maybe" if he knew I had real feelings for him he would consider being with me. So I tell him I have feelings for him... He tells me that he's doing "fine" with his girlfriend and that this is just a matter of "bad timming" and a lot of other bull!t! So after hearing from him that he didn't want to be with me, I told him I was gonna walk away cause I needed to take care of myself, and I finally got my closure... I felt totally ready to move on.
Yesterday, after 12 days of NC and enduring horrible symptoms of withdrawal, I hear from a mutual friend that he got engaged...
I can't even describe how I'm feeling. I'm shocked, sad, dissapointed on him (I mean, what kind of man proposes to a woman a week and a half after having had sex with someone else!), and I'm obviously sooo mad at myself! This is the first time in my life that I ever have sex outside of a mutually committed relationship (needless to say with a man who has another girlfriend) and I did it cause I thought he was an honest man who probably had feelings for me and was doing all of this because he was "confused". Now I realize he was just playing around with me and I was the same naive girl who falls in love with the "idea of a man she has in her head" and can't see what she has right infront of her eyes.
I think I just reached my lowest point... I've made mistakes in my life, but nothing, not has ever felt as painful as this. I've never felt so cheated and so naive. Oh! And to make matters worse, I contacted him last night...sent him a message telling him that I had found out of his engagement and that I wished he would've told me himself... So much for all my NC efforts!
I hate myself, I hate this addiction... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...............
So after 2 months going to CoDA and SLAA groups and working on my love addiction, my POA, for whom I basically moved to this city in spite of knowing he was in a relationship with someone else, gets in touch with me.
I called my sponsor and she advised me no to respond to his messages but I did, and I saw him a few times, and I ended up having sex with him... I thought I would be able to handle it, but I obviously wasn't and the day after I was already freaking out.
So in my first attempt to go into NC, I told him I wanted to see him and talk (I wanted closure). We went out to lunch, and I couldn't get myself to tell him any of the million things I had in my mind. But I did tell him not to get in touch with me cause I was confused, and that I'd contact him when my thoughts were more clear... I though I was ready then to go into NC.
Then I decided I had to talk to him cause "maybe, just maybe" if he knew I had real feelings for him he would consider being with me. So I tell him I have feelings for him... He tells me that he's doing "fine" with his girlfriend and that this is just a matter of "bad timming" and a lot of other bull!t! So after hearing from him that he didn't want to be with me, I told him I was gonna walk away cause I needed to take care of myself, and I finally got my closure... I felt totally ready to move on.
Yesterday, after 12 days of NC and enduring horrible symptoms of withdrawal, I hear from a mutual friend that he got engaged...
I can't even describe how I'm feeling. I'm shocked, sad, dissapointed on him (I mean, what kind of man proposes to a woman a week and a half after having had sex with someone else!), and I'm obviously sooo mad at myself! This is the first time in my life that I ever have sex outside of a mutually committed relationship (needless to say with a man who has another girlfriend) and I did it cause I thought he was an honest man who probably had feelings for me and was doing all of this because he was "confused". Now I realize he was just playing around with me and I was the same naive girl who falls in love with the "idea of a man she has in her head" and can't see what she has right infront of her eyes.
I think I just reached my lowest point... I've made mistakes in my life, but nothing, not has ever felt as painful as this. I've never felt so cheated and so naive. Oh! And to make matters worse, I contacted him last night...sent him a message telling him that I had found out of his engagement and that I wished he would've told me himself... So much for all my NC efforts!
I hate myself, I hate this addiction... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...............