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Post by shygirl on May 16, 2011 7:03:23 GMT -8
I posted in the Introduce Yourself/Newcomer thread several weeks ago and explained my situation and goals. In the past two weeks, I have woken up in the middle of the night to my husband slipping the strap of my tank top off my shoulder. Once when he was doing this, he was whispering in my ear, almost like a chant, "I love xxxxxx." I was shocked and didn't know what to do, so I turned over and moved away from him. This past night, I woke up to him rubbing my crotch through my pajama shorts. At first I was confused and thought I was dreaming, but then realized what was going on. This coupled with the camera and webcams I found, which he said were for voyeuristic purposes that he never carried out (so he claims), I am really unsure what is going on and what to do. I really needed to get this out there and get some validation that this is not normal. He knows about my ex-bf and the sexual, mental, emotional and physical abuse. I have tried to explain for years why these things color the way I perceive touching and sex. He has never done this before, but it is not something that is acceptable to me. It feels inappropriate and now feels as if it is escalating. |
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Post by LovelyJune on May 16, 2011 8:11:59 GMT -8
Shygirl,
Sorry no one responded to your other thread. It may have been overlooked.
I cannot say if this is normal or abnormal behavior, BUT YOU CAN. If this is something that feels strange or abnormal to you, then it is. Period. Don't go looking for validation from others as to whether his behavior is "right" or not, and I'll tell you why: some people have a different perspective on sex. SOme might think this is GREAT! Others may find it SILLY. Others still may find it disturbing. It's not something that can be classified by anyone else but YOU.
That being said, you sound very sure of yourself when you say: "this is not acceptable to me." If that's the case, then you must protect your way of thinking and try to work it out with the hubby. Chances are, this is not something that you can learn to accept. And chances are, it's not something he will be willing to give up. I suggest therapy. But don't ever think for one moment that you are wrong in your opinion of this behavior. If it feels like inappropriate behavior to you, it is. Period.
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Post by shygirl on May 18, 2011 5:52:45 GMT -8
LovelyJune, thanks for the response.
I really just needed to get these feelings out. I live far from any family and friends here are both neighbors and mutual. Luckily, my parents are coming into town tomorrow afternoon and I am going to a lawyer on Friday.
I had forgotten another instance. It was over the weekend and I was taking a nap and he was watching tv. I sort of stirred and woke up, thinking he was hold my hand, but he turned my hand in an odd way, and when I moved it, realized what was going on. He had taken my hand and placed it around his erect thingy through his boxers.
I didn't remember this until last night...
I woke up to him moving the dog from being curled up in my arm, on top of the covers, to under the covers and trying to make her curl up in the crook of my knee, thus forcing me to slightly spread my legs.
It sounds easy to yell at him to stop, but it is paralyzing, especially considering my past.
He took his time being quiet and slowly moved my leg wider and wider, just centimeters at a time. He then, just as carefully, moved the crotch of my pajama shorts over.
I was scared and confused. I didn't know what he was going to do or what he would do if I startled him and caught him in the act.
I then realized he had gone completely under the covers and was taking pictures of my exposed privates with his iPhone. I moved and he quickly popped up and pretended to be laying there.
I said I had a stomach ache and went to my bathroom, shaking.
I finally went back to bed, but laid with my back to him and as far away as I could get. I woke up to him trying to turn me over, but I wouldn't move. He then groped I disagree through my pajamas, tried pulling at the waist band, put his hand up my shorts and on my bare ass and I could tell he was masturbating with the other.
It is true, being touched while sleeping could be exciting or sexy, but not in this context. Besides, we have not been intimate in quite a while and this sort of sexual contact and touching has never been part of our relationship or discussed.
He left 15 minutes before me this morning, but he was still there when I go to the parking garage. He was writing me a note about how much he loves me and how hard he has been trying for the past few months.
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 18, 2011 7:20:44 GMT -8
What you describe here is sexual assault, married or not. I am not qualified to give advice on this, but it is serious, possibly dangerous. I don't advocate divorce or polygamy, but I think you need to contact a crisis center and get out of that situation until you can both get some serious help.
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Post by shygirl on May 18, 2011 9:25:54 GMT -8
dorkestbeforedawn, thank you for your words.
Luckily, my parents know what is going on with hub & my dad came to visit several weeks ago. They were already planning on coming tomorrow, so it works out well.
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Post by tizzy on May 18, 2011 12:53:46 GMT -8
shygirl, I just read your post in that other thread. This stuff your husband is doing is definitely NOT normal. It makes you uncomfortable and he needs to respect that. Have you ever told him no and asked him to stop doing these things to you? That whole picture of the va-jay-jay thing and the dog would've made me livid! He would've had a broken phone that day! I understand your reluctance to stand up for yourself and confront your husband, but eventually it is something you will need to do. Do you want to be with him or with the other guy? Are you afraid of being alone? Is the other guy just a distraction from you taking care of your own life? Being in a triangle and having an affair like this is not healthy for any of you all. Have you read the threads on triangle: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=loveecstasyWhat is your therapist saying about all of this? What's been his/her advice to you? |
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Post by overcomer on May 19, 2011 5:05:24 GMT -8
Shygirl, you are right to feel that way about his offensive sexual gestures.
What a perv to take a shot of your private part. An absolute disregard/disrespect for your well-being! I think that needs an immediate action. When your parents come try to sit down w/ them and your husband to sort things out between you two.
It helps to have a marriage counselor.
I hope things get better for you.
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