Post by brooklynberry on Feb 14, 2011 8:45:06 GMT -8
that's painful! Sorry they did that!
For me, it's a combination of 2 things
1. if people are very judgmental, they're not for me. I have to be accepted for who I am. If they can't accept that, then forget them. You can be virtuous and human. You're not a robot.
2. As addicts a lot of us have a tendency to overshare. I don't think you have to tell people about your love addicted past. At least not early on. How soon do you share these things? For example, I am in AA and clearly I can't pretend to drink on dates. But I let it come up naturally and I don't have to pour my heart out and tell my whole story when they ask if I don't drink. It's a boundaries issue. At what point were you sharing about herpes? I think it's appropriate to share if you're going to be sexual with someone but maybe not something you need to throw out there immediately?
People are getting to know you, not accepting a confession or deciding if you're worthy....
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Feb 14, 2011 16:39:59 GMT -8
Hi Pouncyjoy! Welcome. I might start by putting some thought into the statement you made:
I had rather not date than have these feelings of being an outcast. When should I talk about my past without being dishonest about myself?
How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel like an outcast? Are you Punishing yourself? Would you date you? Are you REALLY available for intimacy?
I ask these because I used to start my dating conversation with How I couldnt have any more kids..I m on a first Date and I'm bringing in My Drama..I don't even know if I like the guy and I'm talking about having kids...... What I found was that it was my way of sabbatage. I felt like I wanted to get close but I wasn't REALLY going to let anyone get close, so I used to throw in ways to keep it distant. I would create Drama or be in my Drama/trauma instead of feeling good and at ease. Which makes sense because Ive had to spend time with myself and Heal and Grow and was not in any condition to be in a relationship.
There is a theory that you have to fall in love with yourself and become the person you want to attract in another..Like attracts like.
Try starting the process with a Date with yourself and start listening to yourself, give yourself the attention you want from someone else... Good Luck!
Yes, Pouncy, he was deciding whether or not you were worthy. But more importantly, he was decided if you and he shared the same VALUES. I guess he felt that you didn't share his same values. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure you do it too. We all "size" people up. However, like B said, sometimes we overshare. We need to hold back on some of that information. WHy does he need to know you weren't virtuous in your past? Especially if it's the past. That's something that comes out--if ever-- years into a relationship. That's like telling someone about your bodily functions. No one needs to hear about that That's not intimacy and honesty. Sharing that kind of information does not lead to acceptance. Why? Because those indiscretions of yours in the past are not who you are. There's a bigger picture. And YOU need to see it. Just as I am not the sum of all of my PoAs, neither are you.
So, who are you? first things first: What are your values? Write out a list of things that are most important to you. I'm not talking simple likes and dislikes. I am talking about core values. The better you know yourself, the better able you are to find someone similar to you, who shares your same values.
Healing K says a lot of important stuff too. It sounds too like you're not ready to date. Love yourself first before going out there. That should be your primary goal. Because when a Poa is gone, you will have YOU to fall back on.
Last Edit: Feb 15, 2011 5:05:31 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
Post by fivesisteranch on Apr 20, 2014 23:01:35 GMT -8
You should keep patience and not to disclose your personal past information in very less time. It will make you uncomfortable. First of all, make sure that whether the person is secure enough to share that past's personal parts.
Post by sweetjasmine on Apr 14, 2015 20:26:40 GMT -8
sometimes his / her only look the outside appearance of one person not the inside.Some people are judge-mental.People have eternally mistaken in their lives, they said nobody is perfect but we need to be the good one to prove that by our personality and if we have a good heart.