Post by Music2MyEars on Feb 22, 2010 8:26:44 GMT -8
Hi Everyone, I've been gone for a minute. I've gone back and forth with my POA and I'm in PAIN and TIRED.
I broke it off with him on Friday because he was lying to me so much (which happens all the time) and he stole money from me (happened before). I thought that I could be with him after he cheated, lied, hit me, verbally abused me and stole from me. I STILL WANTED TO BE WITH HIM! He called me last night and after I realized it was leading to an argument and he was accusing me of doing something, I told him to leave me alone. He called over 100 times. He went from threatening to me, to calling me worthless, fat, sloppy and all kinds of names. Saying no one wants me, everyone just uses me and that he just wanted to be with me because he couldn't be with anyone else.
Men tell me everyday that I'm beautiful but for some reason, I feel like stuff because he said these things. I feel like hurting him, like these other women are better than me. I called the police and I plan on moving out of state because I feel like this cycle will continue if I don't leave. WE have twin daughters (5 months) together and I don't want my eldest daughter to be exposed to this anymore. I'm tired, sad, and I feel worthless. Please help!
Post by sillypoppet on Feb 23, 2010 19:49:35 GMT -8
I admire your strength and courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. Your choice to remove your daughters from this situation, one that you have been addicted to, really reflects inner strength. You are right to want to be valued and respected- everyone deserves (easier said to someone else than accepted by oneself, I know). Lying, cheating, stealing, and hitting are all serious breaches of boundaries. You did the right thing. You are a beautiful person inside and out.
The phrase "He just wanted to be with me because he couldn't be with anyone else" is VERY important. HE couldn't be with anyone else. Wonder why? Cause maybe he is NOT a nice guy! You need to ask yourself "Why do I want to be with a person like this?" When you find the answers, you will become healthier and won't want unhealthy people around you anymore. You will appreciate the good ones and feel like you belong with them. The sick ones will feel "wrong". I had to go NC to clear my mind from the addiction and the crazy thoughts, and the obsessive thinking. Now(48 days later), I can see CLEARLY what I was doing, and what he was. You couldn't have told me back then, though. Because I was still drugged by his contact(or lack of it). I used to spend the entire day, EVERY DAY, waiting for his emails, calls, etc. Then the table turned and I had to initiate all contact with HIM. Made me feel like I was doing all the work in the relationship. And I WAS! I had to go through NC to get enough distance from him to feel pain, grief, shame, fear, anger, and more. I started reading self help books about LA, SA, Narcissism, Toxic shame, well.......it is an ongoing project. I am working the steps slowly, and my good friends here are helping me survive it. Someday, somehow, I hope to meet Greta, PD, KB, Prim, Angel, and the others in person and give them a big hug. If not in this world, then in the next.
you know miztex, our paths have crossed here on this board for a reason. My belief that there is life after death is what is keeping me alive. And I am certain we will all be together one day, holding hands and rejoicing in a world where there is no pain or suffering. A world where there is only love. Pure love and our minds are no longer diseased. I honestly look forward to that day. I need to be reunited with my brother more than anything because he was ripped out of my life at such a crucial time.
Because of this addictive episode, shame and fear could easily have led me to ending my life here on earth but I couldn't bring myself to seriously think about it because of the love I feel for my daughters. and it is not up to us to decide when our lives are to end.
death is round the corner for all of us and we have no power over it when the time comes.
I was involved in a potentially fatal car crash just after my brother died and as the car skidded off the motorway and started overturning not once but three times, I watched calmly awaiting death. Everything was in slow motion and i really believed i was about to die. I was not afraid.
Maybe the grief for my brother's death was numbing me but I truly felt ready. no fear, no pain. A state of grace that I'm sure will return one day.
I consider everybody on here my brothers and sisters and hope one day to meet you. as you say miztex, if it is not in this life our meeting will definitely take place in a better place. It's a date for sure.
I don't like to use "Hate" as I know W is a sick manipulitive narcissist/sex addict. But the pain she caused me far outweighed the small romance and numerous sexual encounters (where I was always submissive pleasing her). After weeks of contemplating suicide; Last week I swallowed dozens and dozens of pills while breathing in car exhaust and had to stay in a hospitol for 4 days after drinking glass after glass of disgusting Charcoal.
Now it's been two full weeks of No Contact. Yesterday morning I had a slight thought to callher, but since have made phone calls, kept busy and been to two meetings. I'm back in Outpatient Therapy Groups, but ideally wish I could go to The Meadows for child trauma therapy and love addiction detox and treatment...or at least a therapist that's not too expensive. My Sponsors are losing their patience and my ex-wife blocked my phone number from my daughters' phones!
SoulFulOne, Good for you for returning here. I understand wanting to be with someone inspite of the things they did that SCREAMED stay away! As you know, it's a good place to find insight through this board & books & links posted as well. Sounds like you are ready for some RECOVERY now. As difficult as things will be, you can do it, believe that!
The very best is hoped for you & your daughters.
GreenEyes, It would be wonderful to go to the places you named, if it's not possible, believe that you can do it with the sources within your reach. It's going to take a fight on your part..for yourself. Action, reading, learning, contact with an HP of your understanding, step work...turn a room into your rehab & go for it!! Drench yourself with recovery & be willing to let go of all that pulls you away from recovery. Another way to look at your second sentence may be, "But the pain I subjected myself to far outweighed..." & then continue to seek & heal from why you would subject yourself to such things. She's out of it...it's an inside job from here on out...deal?! The best is hoped for you as well. :-)