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Post by geedee on May 25, 2010 13:24:52 GMT -8
The quote you chose as your signature says it all. My most recent close encounter was via FB and led me to snoop on his page. His life not mine. His business not mine. But just like with you my curiosity got the better of me. Or rather, my addict took over. It hurt to see what I saw. It hurt to feel what I felt. And I hated myself too for looking at his business and picking at the scab. On a positive note, I got a reminder of what it felt like to be putty in my POA's hands again. And of how it felt to be at his mercy. Starving to death from a spiritual point of view because I was fed unhealthy crumbs at his discretion. Recovery helps us to grow Phoenix. Even if it feels unbearable right now, these growing pains will help us to get stronger day by day. Nothing is lost my friend so don't despair.
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Phoenix
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Newcomer Greeter
All pain that is not transformed is transmitted.
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Post by Phoenix on May 25, 2010 13:36:11 GMT -8
Thanks for the support Greta. I just called and made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in LA/SA. I have had not so great experiences the other two times I tried therapy. Maybe a specialist will be better. I had to do something, there is no way I can handle this without help. I'm glad I realize that. I can't believe I have to go over there again tomorrow. Well, it will be the last time ever.
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Post by primrose on May 25, 2010 13:44:07 GMT -8
Pheonix, big hug for your pain. In a bizarre way, he's given you a genuine gift. This last memory of him will keep you safe now. You can work NC knowing how polluting his influence was, how duplicitious he was, how hurt you were. No sweet memory for you, and that will really truly help you keep sober. To really KNOW that your happy memories weren't real is wonderful for your recovery.
I am really sorry you're struggling now, but very happy for you long term that now you'll be free of so much fantasy. Reality keeps us well, even if it hurts us to the core. Best. P.
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Post by miztex on May 27, 2010 20:11:15 GMT -8
Phoenix,
Prim is right. The ugly reality kick in the teeth is what saved me. There was really nothing but fantasy for either of us. He never knew me. And when I got to know him and REALLY see him without the blinders of love addiction, I discovered that I never knew him, either. He was the opposite of all I believed and cherished about him. Easier to maintain NC when I remember my horrible lost city drive like your drive. Nowhere to turn, no place to go. Hysterical. He stood me up and didn't even say sorry!
Thank God I had my two best friends. Ed and my H. They "talked me in" for 6 hours of non-stop hysterical highway driving back home. My H met me at 2 am in the driveway; full of concern. He never left my side until he knew I was o.k. (3 months). He even worked at home so I wouldn't be alone so much. He knows about the addiction now, and is totally supportive.
Thank God I wasn't alone this last time or I wouldn't be here today. This illness is life and death. Not a bad joke or a "oh, get over it" . We HAVE to find our HP and turn to them instead of expecting everything from our "god" POA.
Best of luck to you in this difficult time. I know how much your hurt. BTDT. I cried when I read your post. So like my experience. Sucked.
miztex
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Phoenix
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All pain that is not transformed is transmitted.
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Post by Phoenix on May 28, 2010 4:36:21 GMT -8
Thank you for sharing Miztex, your posts really inspire me. I've been reading and praying, and being honest with myself. it is a gift....having the worst confirmed. No wondering.
Also I have to say...and this is very difficult....I'm mostly angry cuz he outplayed me. I was strong and in control and he knew how to trigger me...he always has. That is why now that my stuff is out of his house I can begin to heal. Thankfully we were both single, no kids involved so there really is nothing to communicate about ever.
Im writing my history now and I realize I have been a love addict as long as I can remember. I have my first appt with the LA therapist Wednesday. I am going to need therapy, reading, meetings, this board. I realize just keeping NC (which really is getting easier) and laying low and not acting out is not the same thing as recovery & healing. In order to do that I will have to shift consciousness....
I have struggled the last few days with thoughts of revenge but I really don't want to think about him anymore. it's kinda boring...like a song with one note playing over & over. There is so much more to me, to life than that. plus, I think in some sick way if I did something to him he would enjoy that, knowing he got to me, filling his ego with the thought that I am still hooked, still engaging with him, even if it is in negative way.
I've been going through my closet...gonna get rid of alot of my clothes. My POA & I were involved in a death/grunge metal scene and all those clothes trigger me. While piling them up for the ritual burning (im really gonna ritually burn them while Im camping this weekend) I found a T shirt my employees bought me last Christmas....It reads "General Manager of the Universe". That says it all. At the time they gave it to me I thought it was hilarious. Now I just think its sad. The defenseless little girl in me is learning to let go, let things go, stop fighting, stop controlling and hopefully stop obsessing.
Thanks for the support. Your posts make me laugh sometimes (cry too) and I have always believed humor can put things in perspective. I'm hoping one day I can find the humor in my situation instead of just the pain. Truth is, I have always been addicted to the highs and lows. Im really sick and tired of it.
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Post by lotus on Jun 1, 2010 12:49:36 GMT -8
I'm dealing with a lot of anger right now too. It's coming at the perfect time -- steps 5 and 6. And I AM ready and willing now for my HP to remove these shortcomings.
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 7, 2010 15:49:32 GMT -8
I too am going through the same thing. I too was lost in my own town driving around for well over an hour. Wrong turns here and there. Awful night after an awful day. Worst night of my life. I also got confirmation of my suspicions. The feeling sucked. But the confirmation was just that...confirmation that it was a GOOD thing to get this sick man out of my life!
I too seek revenge. I was the one who rejected him in the end. But I want to reject him over and over and over. I want get in his face and tell him how much I hate him. How much damage he caused me. How I never want to see his despicable face ever again. But I ended it on a too friendly note. I wanted to end it on, 'youre too sick for me and I hate you'. But I ended it friendly. But I too want no thoughts of him ever again. I know soon my anger will end and I will go on with my life with no thoughts him at all.
Your ex doesnt have one up on you. All he did was prove what a jerk he really is. Maybe he angered you. But youre the one healing now. I really like your healing ideas. I might incorporate them into my healing program.
runrunrun
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 12, 2010 13:31:17 GMT -8
In addition to therapy and reading helping, time helps. Rage tends to dissipate over time. At least that is what I am noticing. Diversions help. I have been riding a lot and getting back in shape. Getting involved with something new will also keep your mind off the rage. Some thing unique and different that requires concentration will help.
Just here to share ideas to aid healing.
runrunrun
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