Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 9, 2011 12:03:38 GMT -8
i am feeling confused at this point and not knowing how to feel about this situation at this point.
i dont know what to think or feel about this situation....I was talking with someone on yahoo instant messenger for months now....and we met at a car show and i was with my girlfriend when we met...that night he got online and told me he was married and they agreed him and his wife with one another and they have an open marriage..and the way he explained it to me was...that he only has intercourse with his wife...he only gives oral sex and if they want they can give him oral but thats it....we continued chatting on yahoo....and then a few weeks ago he asked me if i wanted to have lunch with him before he leaves and goes home to nashivelle tenn....now mind u ....he has been assigned to new jeresy until 2012....and every few weeks he goes back to tenn....and then comes back...so i did ...i met him at the diner we had lunch he went his way and i went my way....and then i told him there will be another car show on sunday that just past and then we planned to go down the shore for the day...i will tell u the day and night felt awesome and freeeing......i didnt have to worry about anyone but myself..i felt happy ...joyous and free...we enjoyed the car show....we went to long beach island...and laid on the beach...for a couple of hours...i let go of all of my stress and i threw broken sea shells,,,,with all of my worries with them...i am telling u i felt awesome....and one with myself..so then we stopped and got a bite to eat....and then we headed back to my house and we watched a movie called eat, pray and love…and he leaves....on monday..i hinted to him if he wanted to walk with me in the park...and we met up at my house and went to the park...and walked...then we came back to my house and he downloaded a few programs for me on my lap tops....cause I needed his help for a school project and program and he gave me a massage....i was having a problem with my sciatica nerve...he said he went to school to learn how to give massages...i will tell u it felt awesome...then he started kissing me...i didnt really kiss back at first and then the more his hands were caressing me ...i was really was liking it...and then he touched me with his fingers....and he put his tongue and orally touched me...i really felt okay with it....maybe because there were no strings attached...and i didnt do anything 2 him...other than kiss him...i am not even turned on by this man...especially because he is married....i dont believe in open marriage....i am not sure what i was thinking....i guess the disease was taking over....i just didnt want to feel guility....and at this point i dont know how i feel....i know i dont want it to happen again,....i do just want a platonic friendship with him...did i do something wrong...i went to my womens group tonight...and i told them how f...awesome i felt about going down the shore...and they asked who i went with...and i said a friend....and they said which friend...i said a male friend Dale..and the therapist looked disappointed with me...i said he is married and we are just friends....at that moment...i felt....maybe i did something wrong....is this part of the love addiction....should i end this or not see him again..should i tell him ...just platonic..again….i did mention to him before that happened that I just wanted a platonic friendship with him and now I should tell him .no more kissing or anything...or do i totally stop talking to him...i really would like to continue talking with him...i feel like he is a friend to me...a true male friend...i dont know if this is the disease talking or not...but i told my friend that i have learned alot of good things from him...and it feels as if...if i would of learned the good nurturing things from my dad..my life would of been different....he has been giving me hugs. Here is an awareness for me… and what came to my mind today....was...when he was massaging me...that use to be my ...way of getting turned on by men....and pretty much giving them the okay...and then doing more...that was so long ago....and i stayed in these relationships...and when that happend...with the massages....i was just on the receiving end of it...i dont know if that means anything or not...but i totally forgot about it....
And last night i was in my head and trying to figure out what was going on with me and him....he texted me and i didnt respond...he called me and i didnt respond and he IMed me and i didnt respond...
I needed time and space..and then he said he was worried about me and if it was because of him...that he wanted us to talk....so i waited alittle...and we talked on line...and i told him exactly how i felt....such as...i am looking for an intimate relationship with him...and that is not want i want...and i dont feel the way he does...and that i am not attracted to him in that way...that he is married....and one day...God willing...i will meet someone who is there for me...that is committed...and available and healthy...and that i would never change my mind...and that he crossed boundaries that were in place......And he said he was sorry and that he should of stopped and asked if i wanted to go further but he didnt and he was getting some non verbal messages from me...and he was right...but in was in the moment for me....and he said he didnt want to lose the friendship that we have built in the last months of talking with one another...
I told him that absolutely no holding hands...no kissing...no cuddling ...notta....nothing....and he agreed...
I told him...how i was feeling about him....and that was...that...for some reason...what came to me...was my father's job should of been to nurture me and be there for me....and he was only there for me when he wanted to be which was not very often...and i felt i was learning alot from him....such as for school work..and dating...and men that i was chatting with....i do believe he has been and is here for me and he is sincere....and he knows how to be a friend....he has never tried to cross the lines of friendship before...and i dont think it will happen again...I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason...season or a life time...
Also i dont have to talk to him if i chose not too....i dont feel any excitement when i see him on line...or i talk to him...or i go to lunch with him....i am not physcially attracted to him at all....100 % not at all....so he is in no way a POA for me...and if i am missing something here please tell me...cause if there is dysfunctional what i am telling u...then i need to know...and i will cut it off...but for the first time in my life...i feel that this man is a true male friend for me....and when he leaves this area in 2012 he will still be my friend....he tells me stories about his relationships with other women....and the relationships his wife has with here bf....we talk about his kids his ex wife...his job....his travels...i know what he is doing in his marriage is his business...and i dont want any part of that with him....ever ....again..do i end it....
another awareness. ....and i think this is my truth....my God instincts are telling me that..i am putting him in the place of my father...my father had an open marriage with my mother...i use to tell people that growing up....it was a marriage of them cheating on each other....he wasnt there for me...but maybe a couple of times....he is all about himself...and they even share the same horoscope sign...wow...i am really sick...and it scares the hell out of me...please help....i will call my therapists tonight for an assignment for my group on tuesday....thanks everyone...for being here for me...Sun
i dont know what to think or feel about this situation....I was talking with someone on yahoo instant messenger for months now....and we met at a car show and i was with my girlfriend when we met...that night he got online and told me he was married and they agreed him and his wife with one another and they have an open marriage..and the way he explained it to me was...that he only has intercourse with his wife...he only gives oral sex and if they want they can give him oral but thats it....we continued chatting on yahoo....and then a few weeks ago he asked me if i wanted to have lunch with him before he leaves and goes home to nashivelle tenn....now mind u ....he has been assigned to new jeresy until 2012....and every few weeks he goes back to tenn....and then comes back...so i did ...i met him at the diner we had lunch he went his way and i went my way....and then i told him there will be another car show on sunday that just past and then we planned to go down the shore for the day...i will tell u the day and night felt awesome and freeeing......i didnt have to worry about anyone but myself..i felt happy ...joyous and free...we enjoyed the car show....we went to long beach island...and laid on the beach...for a couple of hours...i let go of all of my stress and i threw broken sea shells,,,,with all of my worries with them...i am telling u i felt awesome....and one with myself..so then we stopped and got a bite to eat....and then we headed back to my house and we watched a movie called eat, pray and love…and he leaves....on monday..i hinted to him if he wanted to walk with me in the park...and we met up at my house and went to the park...and walked...then we came back to my house and he downloaded a few programs for me on my lap tops....cause I needed his help for a school project and program and he gave me a massage....i was having a problem with my sciatica nerve...he said he went to school to learn how to give massages...i will tell u it felt awesome...then he started kissing me...i didnt really kiss back at first and then the more his hands were caressing me ...i was really was liking it...and then he touched me with his fingers....and he put his tongue and orally touched me...i really felt okay with it....maybe because there were no strings attached...and i didnt do anything 2 him...other than kiss him...i am not even turned on by this man...especially because he is married....i dont believe in open marriage....i am not sure what i was thinking....i guess the disease was taking over....i just didnt want to feel guility....and at this point i dont know how i feel....i know i dont want it to happen again,....i do just want a platonic friendship with him...did i do something wrong...i went to my womens group tonight...and i told them how f...awesome i felt about going down the shore...and they asked who i went with...and i said a friend....and they said which friend...i said a male friend Dale..and the therapist looked disappointed with me...i said he is married and we are just friends....at that moment...i felt....maybe i did something wrong....is this part of the love addiction....should i end this or not see him again..should i tell him ...just platonic..again….i did mention to him before that happened that I just wanted a platonic friendship with him and now I should tell him .no more kissing or anything...or do i totally stop talking to him...i really would like to continue talking with him...i feel like he is a friend to me...a true male friend...i dont know if this is the disease talking or not...but i told my friend that i have learned alot of good things from him...and it feels as if...if i would of learned the good nurturing things from my dad..my life would of been different....he has been giving me hugs. Here is an awareness for me… and what came to my mind today....was...when he was massaging me...that use to be my ...way of getting turned on by men....and pretty much giving them the okay...and then doing more...that was so long ago....and i stayed in these relationships...and when that happend...with the massages....i was just on the receiving end of it...i dont know if that means anything or not...but i totally forgot about it....
And last night i was in my head and trying to figure out what was going on with me and him....he texted me and i didnt respond...he called me and i didnt respond and he IMed me and i didnt respond...
I needed time and space..and then he said he was worried about me and if it was because of him...that he wanted us to talk....so i waited alittle...and we talked on line...and i told him exactly how i felt....such as...i am looking for an intimate relationship with him...and that is not want i want...and i dont feel the way he does...and that i am not attracted to him in that way...that he is married....and one day...God willing...i will meet someone who is there for me...that is committed...and available and healthy...and that i would never change my mind...and that he crossed boundaries that were in place......And he said he was sorry and that he should of stopped and asked if i wanted to go further but he didnt and he was getting some non verbal messages from me...and he was right...but in was in the moment for me....and he said he didnt want to lose the friendship that we have built in the last months of talking with one another...
I told him that absolutely no holding hands...no kissing...no cuddling ...notta....nothing....and he agreed...
I told him...how i was feeling about him....and that was...that...for some reason...what came to me...was my father's job should of been to nurture me and be there for me....and he was only there for me when he wanted to be which was not very often...and i felt i was learning alot from him....such as for school work..and dating...and men that i was chatting with....i do believe he has been and is here for me and he is sincere....and he knows how to be a friend....he has never tried to cross the lines of friendship before...and i dont think it will happen again...I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason...season or a life time...
Also i dont have to talk to him if i chose not too....i dont feel any excitement when i see him on line...or i talk to him...or i go to lunch with him....i am not physcially attracted to him at all....100 % not at all....so he is in no way a POA for me...and if i am missing something here please tell me...cause if there is dysfunctional what i am telling u...then i need to know...and i will cut it off...but for the first time in my life...i feel that this man is a true male friend for me....and when he leaves this area in 2012 he will still be my friend....he tells me stories about his relationships with other women....and the relationships his wife has with here bf....we talk about his kids his ex wife...his job....his travels...i know what he is doing in his marriage is his business...and i dont want any part of that with him....ever ....again..do i end it....
another awareness. ....and i think this is my truth....my God instincts are telling me that..i am putting him in the place of my father...my father had an open marriage with my mother...i use to tell people that growing up....it was a marriage of them cheating on each other....he wasnt there for me...but maybe a couple of times....he is all about himself...and they even share the same horoscope sign...wow...i am really sick...and it scares the hell out of me...please help....i will call my therapists tonight for an assignment for my group on tuesday....thanks everyone...for being here for me...Sun
