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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 28, 2011 19:56:54 GMT -8
My mom came out of the hospital tonight.......i went to her home.....i talk to her on the phone quiet often....and i saw her a couple of weeks ago....well i was very shocked to see how bad she looks...she was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer in july of 2010.....and i can definitely see what the cancer is doing to her from the inside out....and i am feeling....very scared....and i feel triggered....and i am scared..i dont want to act out....i need suggestions...please....share some of your experiences with me....its as if I lost my mom my whole life....and now i am really losing her....
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foolmetwice
Full Member
"A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare
Posts: 196
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Post by foolmetwice on Jul 28, 2011 20:11:34 GMT -8
Sunflwrs4evr,
just off the top of my head, I would suggest preparing to make amends with her, if that is at all possible. If you can, spend some time with her in order to first, heal yourself, and secondly, heal the relationship. I was never close to my Dad and I lived 500 miles away when he was dying 2 years ago, but i called him and told him I was there with him in spirit, and that I loved him. I knew he was probably scared and I could tell he was comforted by my words. I did not talk about any unresolved issues or anything. I just told him I loved him, and that's when, for the first time in my life, I realized I DID. Make peace.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 28, 2011 20:19:52 GMT -8
thanks foolmetwice....i didnt realize that just saying I love you....would make peace with my mom....i have lots of things going on in my head....and i dont like them.....i am having a really hard time being there for her....i feel very confused....
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Post by soulseeker on Jul 28, 2011 21:06:47 GMT -8
Dear Sun,
I am so sorry to hear about your mom.
I personally love the book, The four things that matter the most, by Ira Byock. He is a hospice doctor and a leader in palliative care. The four things are saying I love you, Thank you, please forgive me and I forgive you.
The dying are our teachers and we are the medicine. End of life requires presence and intimacy. Your love and support to your mom and being there for her as she faces the transition from life to death mean everything to her. Just show up and you will be guided. People who are dying want to be known and heard. Just being present with her is all that is needed. She will let you know what she needs. Priorities change at the end of life, be aware of the changes and you will be blessed.
Hospice is a sacred place with angels to help you, please reach out to them.
Again, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Thank you for sharing.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 28, 2011 22:11:54 GMT -8
thank u soulseeker....your email brought alot of feelings up for me....and tears....which are all good...its that.....she is toxic and its hard to be around her.....i know its not totally her fault...because she has no idea.....what she done to me in my life....and i dont want to carry her pain anymore...and i have to find peace in this...or it will haunt me forever....her boyfriend is triggering alot of past abuse of how my father treated my mother...and i cant deal with someone miss treating her.....he said something negative tonight...and for the for time...i immediately detached from it....that was a God moment i believe.....thanks for the recommendation for the book....it does sound like healing for me.....I have been acting too busy to see her...and sometimes i dont even call her....it just hurts alot....i cant fix her or help ...i thought i use to do that all so well...until i went to al anon....i dont want to mother her anymore....i am scared...i am scared for her....and i am scared for me....i dont want her to suffer....i dont think i can intimate with her....i told her i would support her...and yet i cant be there with her....i will get the book...in fact i am ordering it right now....thanks Sun  |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 28, 2011 22:48:11 GMT -8
Hi Sunflwrs4evr, the best thing I can think of to suggest, what I would do if I was desperate and suffering pain like you are, is The Work of Byron Katie. Google it and you will find a free help line where there is someone available 24 hours a day to do the inquiry with you. You need to fill in a worksheet before you call (The Judge Your Neighbour Worksheet) which is also on the site, it's all free to download. Once you've done it call the help line and some dear person will take you through four questions about what you've written (the inquiry) and help you find the turn-arounds. I haven't rung myself because I do this with friends just about every week and haven't needed the helpline so far.
There are simple directions on the worksheet to help you fill it in. Follow them. There is no philosophy or religion connected to this work, it's just about examining stressful thinking.
Her being so sick is triggering you in all sorts of ways it sounds like. One of my main fears has always been what would I do if my mum went crazy and I had to look after her? What would I do with all the resentment inside me? How would I be able to care for her and let go of the past?
I don't have any answers for you. Doing the BK inquiry work will give you your answers. Good luck and well done for reaching out to support yourself. Good luck staying in touch with your heart with your mum. love JG
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Post by overcomer on Jul 29, 2011 1:52:55 GMT -8
My mom is the most important person to me. Early in life we were not close too.
Until we all got saved and changed by the grace of God.
She passed away when I was overseas and that was my saddest phase of my life.
But at the same time I'm comforted that she got a SAVIOR, JESUS, WHO paid for her sins and has given her eternal life so there is nothing but complete assurance of her salvation and endless happiness w/ GOD...
My only advice is be with her and give her all the love and care you can give.
And above all share the gospel if you believe in the works and truth of GOD.
It might be "now or never".
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 29, 2011 19:20:11 GMT -8
thanks everyone for your feedback....
Jacarandagirl.....I will try the bk stuff...i have done it before......with group and my therapist....but i didnt know u can do it for free online....i will try it...My girlfriend a year or so ago my girlfriend had to deal with the question that you asked about what would u do.....her mom hPad alzehelmers disease...and she carried alot of the resentment inside...and then her mom didnt even know her name anymore......and she habours it inside of her...there were a couple of times i tried to help her with it....sometimes people keep it inside...because that pain....reminds them of those people...and they dont or cant let it go....
OvercomerletGod...thanks for sharing..but my mother is Jewish.....she did talk alot about God tonight.
Paisley.....thanks for sharing your final moments with your mother...i did think about talking with her about forgiveness ....but i decided not too yet....i am sure this will be the hardest times in my life too....
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 29, 2011 20:27:39 GMT -8
my mom called me this afternoon....about her having phone problems..and she was waiting for the doctors to call her...so i went over there...i was going to give her my cell phone....but i got her phone service working...and yet that was a good feeling...i didnt stay ...i had to come home and do homework....i went back over to see her after i was done..and the meds she is taking...is really having her speed....and she doesnt stop talking..which i dont mind...except she is bringing nuts up....and by the time i left...i was in tears and i had to call my sponsor....and i didnt even get to the stuff my mom was saying...i was in shock by the way she looks....she was standing up...and she was so bloated....and she looked just like her mother did....and then she brought up....things she us to do with men....coming and going from her home....and every f....thing she said...i have done....i knew i got alot of this from my parents...but when it all came out of her mouth....it that isnt a wake up call i dont know what is....she even said to me...that is why i have problems staying in relationships.....she said that i have control issues...what would it have been like if i would of told the truth....that i am a love addict like her...and i have decided to take care of myself....and not be in a relationship at this time with a unavailable...dysfunctional man....maybe that would of been okay to say to her....actuallyi am pisst because i learned this ...this is what i learnt ( is that a word) lol....i am glad i am getting it out here......and i will not say a word to her....unless my therapist says its okay....and i am sure she will tell me its not okay...to say what i truly feel to my mother....she say she did the best she could with what she knew.....i told her i understood that....she talked about my grandmother...and that scared me...cause when people are dying and they talk about someone else that has already passed on....it tells me she is getting closer to leaving this world....she brought us alot of hurtful things my father did to her....i just listened to her.....and i let i talk....she was all over the place....when her boyfriend goes back to work next week....i will go over there...and talk with her...after i talk to my therapist of course....i have a program...my mother doesnt...so i know....i cant tell her anything.....she wont get it anyway....she is in denial big time....I just cant believe...so much toxic nuts she brought up....she even said that her sister was bad....with men....and i said she probably was a sex addict and love addict and she shook her head yes... and her mother....my grandmother...was with alot of men too....omg...i never had a chance.....she also said that my father...had sex with her mother....i knew it from when she told me before in the 80's....and that hurt alot...but she said that she was 15 yrs old...and he had sex with her mother....and after that....she always tried to make him jealous....she was even going to cry....i am sure that changed who she was....and she married him anyway...she said ...that she would never be with any man...when she was younger...and i connected that...when i was young...i would never be with a boy....i didnt even have boyfriends....i always felt that no man that i had met yet...was worth me giving up my virginity...and then i got date raped...and my life changed....its great that i can be this honest....
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 29, 2011 23:56:21 GMT -8
Sorry to hear your first time was like that Sunflwr. That really sucks. What a sweet and intelligent commitment you had though to be waiting for someone who was worth it for you. I didn't really have that.
It's great for you that you are having all these realisations about yourself and keeping a check on everything that's coming up for you with your mum. Good for me to read it, I have to push myself to imagine going through this and having to listen to my mother. When I think of my mother I am still so glad that I don't have to talk to her anymore. I feel like I was getting bled dry by her, because I let her do it. There is so much to heal for me there.
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Post by Bo on Jul 30, 2011 3:10:28 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing so honestly. One thing that helped me "get it all out of my system" with my mother was I wrote it all out in a letter. It looks like you still have alot inside of you.
Have you tried writing it all out? as if you are writing one last letter to your mom. (not necessarily on this board, but in private).
At the time, I actually emailed my letter with all my pain to my mother. I told her how much she hurt me. It was not mean, vicious or hateful. I wrote it from the point of understanding that my mom had no clue how deeply I was hurt by her words. Not even children in elementary, middle or high school hurt me more than my own mother. And children in school are supposedly the meanest in our lives. Not in my case.
I did not want an apology and I was not blaming her, I just wanted to know that in the end, I did express how I felt. I let it out and let it go, and today, I still remember what she did and said, but there are no feelings attached, I am emotionally free from that pain.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 31, 2011 10:41:00 GMT -8
hi Bo and thanks for sharing....your experience ....so you are saying you sent the letter and she read it....and she had no negative feedback to you......i would love to be able to do that....i will bring it up at group on tuesday....and see what they say....i will say that i did that in the early 1990's...when sh... was coming up that happened to me in my early childhood with my father..and i wrote him a letter...and i believe he cut me off.....actually he cut me off my hole life...and now i am cutting him out...and he is dying of cancer too....anyway.....i found out some years ago that he still kept that letter....and has it....but we never discussed it...strange thing is...he discussed it with my sister....how simple would life be if we could just talk things out......i have so much in me because i was never allowed to show my feelings..or talk about my feelings....or even feel my feelings...and when i learned in school in a communication class...mom couldnt go there...she could not listen to my feelings....and dad...he couldnt either......i loved how u said....you are emotionally free from the pain....wow...that must be awesome....i am sitting here just imaging...what that is like to be emotionally free...from pain.....i bet i can act as if for now.....  )) |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 2, 2011 22:40:36 GMT -8
My mother passed away at 12:16 am August 3rd 2011
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Post by nvr2late on Aug 3, 2011 6:48:37 GMT -8
 Sun, please accept my sympathy and condolences on your loss. If I could, I'd give you a big gentle hug right now.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 3, 2011 9:35:09 GMT -8
thank u.....i can feel it....
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Aug 3, 2011 9:54:16 GMT -8
((hugs)) I am sorry for your loss...
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Post by overcomer on Aug 3, 2011 10:26:31 GMT -8
Condolences. May God's comforting Presence be upon you and your family.
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Post by leebriar on Aug 3, 2011 13:33:26 GMT -8
No words...just prayers for your HPs arms to surround you and bring you peace today and in the future.
Lee.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 3, 2011 18:11:29 GMT -8
thank everyone...i am not feeling good....i dont want to be alone....i had a couple of friends come over.....and now they left...and i am alone again....i dont like this feeling...
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Post by soulseeker on Aug 3, 2011 18:30:17 GMT -8
sun, I am so sorry for your loss.
If I may be so forward and say this...... Many cultures believe that the soul journeys for 49 days before it reaches the next place. At this time, the people left behind can accompany the departed on the soul journey.
This could be a safe place of healing, for the next 49 days you can meditate or pray for her journey to be healing and restful. All it requires is for you to be brave and let the energy you are sending her be loving and peaceful. Be open to the energy you may receive back. People will do their work on this journey.
I hope I have not been to forward. I do not want to add to your grief. But I want you to be aware of a healing journey, you can open up to the song of the spirit.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
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Post by Bo on Aug 4, 2011 3:34:27 GMT -8
Sun,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.
May her soul now rest in peace.
We are here for you on this board, you are not alone, my prayers are also with you and your family.
I'm so sorry.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 6, 2011 7:07:57 GMT -8
Yesterday the services was held for my mother. I am feel very sad....and i cant think straight...i miss her....when we talked about vitamins and and alternative medicine...that really was the only things that brought us close together....the services went really well...the Rabbi...talked about her to the T.....and after he gathered information about her...he realized that he knew her from all of the times he use to come into the store where she worked....she worked in a health food store in philly pa....she really loved to help people to find homeopathic ways in treating their illness....and most of the times...it worked....I knew how strong she was.....but never realized...how she kept all of the suffering to herself....she didnt want us to know how much she was suffering....i guess that was her way of showing that she loved us by not having us be in pain with her....there were times I knew she took a turn for the worst....and then denial would set in...because...i didnt want to believe it....and her last days she was telling me in her own way..i didnt figure it out....cause if i did ...i would of stayed with her....cause i know she was scared....but she covered it.....it hurts so much...that she had to more or less hide this from us....so protect us...i am surely feeling it now....and it doesnt feel good....i have to stop writing now....to be continued......Sun thanks everyone for being here for me....i hope the fog clears soon
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 6, 2011 7:54:09 GMT -8
Sun, Iam so sorry for your loss, it is very normal to feel like your in a fog after a loss. just allow yourself too feel and grieve, that is very normal. Hugs to you. Lean on your HP for comfort at this time of need.
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Post by Bo on Aug 7, 2011 3:03:47 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing your feelings.
Remember to take care of you too, in your time of grief.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 7, 2011 17:59:05 GMT -8
thank u Bo and Carolync92...i am doing the best I can just for in this moment...I find I am okay...and then i am crying again....it feels as if my inner child is so scared....her mommy isnt here anymore....and i am too scared to comfort her...because i dont think i know how.....but i will try when i get off of the computer...i asked my brother if my father was going to be there....and he said yes....i told him mommy didnt want him there....and she told me that and her boyfriend of 12 yrs...so please make sure he doesnt come...welll he didnt want to tell him....and my sister said we can do on the phone 3 way....and when i called her back she didnt answer.....so i called my sponsor and asked her what she thought about me calling and if she would stay on the other line with me....and she did....so i mention to my father my mother didnt want him to come to the services and he said ok....and that he would see me after at my brothers house...and i said....that it was for her....and she told me and a couple other people that she didnt want her there and out of respect for her last wishes please dont come....and he said that he is coming and i said why...and he said because its his family....and i said well you gave up your family along time ago....and if you want to be with them do it another time...not on friday ....and he said....f......ck....mommy.....i dont remember what i said after that...and then i got off the phone....the services went really beautiful...my sister in law and her mom did my mothers hair and make up and clothes...i found out that my mother put in her pillow a booklet that i bought her from the shrine of Saint Katarine Drexall...and i got it from her pillow and put it under her pillow in the casket...and then i put the two pins on her that i bought for me....at the shrine and i pinned it on her....i was told the funeral home was packed....i really didnt turn around....and the cemetery....went pretty well....1/2 of the people came to my brothers house....a couple of girlfriends came over as i was leaving..so i invited them to my house and we talked about my mom and lots of stories....for a couple of hours..... On wednesday nite i emailed almost every on my email address phone book...to tell them about my mothers passing...my x emailed me back saying he was very sorry....and then emailed me again...saying if i needed someone to talk to that he is here for me....I posted about him back in april of this year....and i said that...we were dating about 4 months....and he wanted to move in with me...and i kept saying yes and then no...and the final anwser was no....and then he shut me out for about 4 days in a row....and i freaked out and called him a few choice words on his yahoo im....anyway....he pretty much told me to have a nice life....and goodbye...and that since his apartment lease was up ...he would be living in his car...and we never spoke again...until a few weeks ago....he emailed me stating that...he went to cleveland for cancer treatments for testicle cancer and to remove alittle bone cancer in is right shoulder... anyway...i ignored his emails...up until my mother passed away....i did respond back and said yes i wanted to talk...and he got on the IM and we talked he gave me his new number....and i asked when he was coming to philly...and he dropped everything and backed a bag and came to philly....I wasnt sure how i was going to respond to him when i saw him thursday afternoon....i could of just saw him and said sorry but you need to leave...i left it up to God....anyway....we talked and he told me...that he didnt know if he was going to make it alive after the cancer treatments....so that is what he did....and he was sorry...and that he loved me....he stayed until sunday nite....he helped me put together a collage of pictures of my mom and hot glue them on for her funeral...he was there for me..and i really appreciated it...alot.......i am really zoned out for the most part...we went downt the shore where i had to let my mother go....and she had to let me go...i truly let her go...it wasnt easy to surrender but i did it....and my bf...ask me to come back to him...that he was sorry he hurt me....and he said he got an apartment with a year lease...and that we can get together....again....and in a couple of weeks...it will be more often.... he did notice how much i changed....and we talked long and deep conversations ...about when we first met and how it went tooooooo fast and it was lust....and...he knew i wasnt ready...and i told him...i knew he was up to something...and i was suspicious...i told him i can do this one day at a time....God is first and i am next....and its not going to be like it was before...and we talked it out completely....so we shall see.... there were moments of really not believing he and i were together....and then knowing my mother has passed on.... God and everyone from the fellowships are all with me...now....i truly feel...like i never did before....i feel very very grateful...to put my recovery number 1....if it wasnt for these boards...i would be really really in the insanity....thank u thank u and thank u...every one....i just hope and pray...my little girl inside me can heal.....i will tell her i will always protect her...no matter what....its my turn nowwwwwwwwwwww........i really do get a turn...and its now....i love you all....thanks so much for your support in my time of need....Sun |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Aug 8, 2011 0:24:34 GMT -8
My condolences to you Sun. It's a precious time after someone like that dies...don't waste it on your ex unless you really know what you're doing. Good luck sweetheart xx
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 8, 2011 4:24:17 GMT -8
My condolences!  |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 8, 2011 19:05:00 GMT -8
thanks lovelyJune...and yes jacarandagirl....after reading what u said about not wasting this precious time on my ex.....unless i know what i am doing....I actually didnt want to be alone....i asked him to stay with me.....but i still didnt know how i would feel when he came.....as i right this...i truly have the thoughts and feelings...of not wanting to deal with my mothers death by myself...and that is why i invited him over....he helped me out alot as i wrote about....and says how sorry he is and was...and that he needed to take care of his situation.....all i know is i didnt want to be alone...he stayed for a few days....took me down the shore because that is where i let go of my mother....and she let go of me....i am in the process....and i hope and pray....that i did the right thing...actually as we were talking on the phone tonight....i was looking at some old emails and IM's i found from him.....and it brought back alot of pain....for me....and now...i have it all in my mind again...we agreed to try to work it out....not sure where it will go....i am turning it over to God....its in his hands....i surrender.....my recovery is A number 1....i will be open and honest to the best of my ability....thank u...for saying that to me....it kinda gave me a kick in the butt and a wake up call..
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))
Sun, please accept my sympathy and condolences on your loss.
