Post by reinventmyself on Aug 17, 2009 20:01:59 GMT -8
It's been 6 month and one week. I am kicking myself for not feeling better by now. I see my therapist and rerun my list of grievences. She in turn tells me gently that I have contempt for myself. Duh!! I wish I could take back all the bad decisions. . But I can't. I won't take up any more space as I am pretty fragile at the moment. I only came to share a thought for you all as much as myself. I need to work on compassion. . compassion for myself. For those of you punishing yourselves at this moment just like myself promise to practice compassion. Starting tomorrow . . .my internal voice will speak to myself as a compassionate friend would. It's about time.
hi reinvent, that's what I've started to do, speaking to myself as a compassionate friend would. It's a great relief for me, I realize now that most of my discomfort came from being too severe to myself. Day by day I'm forgiving myself.
This is one I'm struggling with, too!! I want to be a better person but I hate all of the things I did.
My therapist told me to take all of the "shoulds" out of my self-talk. She said I really have to remember to self-sooth. I'm supposed to hold myself, rock if I need to and tell myself all of things that I would tell one of my children if they were feeling bad.
I keep thinking of this. All of the work we did for our PoA, all of the self-sacrifice. We did that. We were able to do that. We have that energy in us already. Now we need to turn that energy to ourselves and give it back to ourselves and our lives.
You've done 6 whole months of work!! YOu can go do something fun or give yourself a present. Celebrate!, be proud of your accomplishment!
This is an important message reinvent. Nobody is harder on me than me. In fact, I pretty much hate myself a lot of the time. I am ashamed of my actions. How could I cheat on my family? How come I can't love my wife like I did my lover? Why am I so addicted to this woman, that even after she told me it was over I still consider walking out my front door, leaving my family, and going to her...even though she isn't waiting for me. Why, oh why am I so pathetic?
Point is...I have to stop this. I have dragged myself through the coals time and time again. Even if I tack myself to the cross it will not being me serenity.
This is the hardest thing for me to do. I am SO overly critical of myself. I am having a very difficult time forgiving myself for my past mistakes. I can forgive everyone else for what they've done to me, but when it comes to me, man I'd have to walk on water before I'll give myself an inch.
This sounds horrible even as I say it...but this has been the worst, degrading, depreciation of myself that I've ever allowed another to treat me. Yes I my PoA is outside my marriage, but seriously, I would not wish my past year on anyone. I know it's wrong to want someone outside my marriage, but the wanting was not intentional, in fact the person that is my PoA does not even compare to my H as a person & yet no matter what I have had the hardest time letting go of him, even tonight when I LET GO of him, I suffer. Anyway, I'm sure the guilt will come but not till the pain lifts. My H checked out on my for years and 2 wrongs don't make it right, but maybe that leads to me thinking less about the guilt of things. Maybe it's just a later phase to experience, guilt on top of what I feel now might very well be more than I can handle.
Post by beyondthegraysky on Jan 28, 2010 0:17:42 GMT -8
ok2beme, I relate to this so much. My H is such a good person, he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body, he loves me, I feel that I can trust him with all of my heart, yet I still cannot let this POA go.He who on the other hand has done almost nothing but disappoint me, abandon me, act completely erratically, and I do believe he truly is a cruel person. But I hang on to those few times when he has shown a different side of himself and those are what I focus on. I need a reality check. But as far as the guilt goes, I STILL don't feel guilty and I don't know why. My H has been a workaholic for years, and i'm alone so much of the time. But do I want to trade that for the nasty person my POA is? In reality no, in fantasy, yes. I'm getting better with that but still. Has the guilt part hit you yet?
hey I can really relate to this, I am monumentily hard on myself. Its ridiculous, but i am finding ways to stop it engaging my mind. One thing I have realised that beating yourself up is just another means of playing out the addiction...
You see with addiction we our buffering ourselves form really living my engaing in something that saturates our minds we can hold off real life and all that scares us. When we engage in beating ourselves up we our doing the same. we're not living. Holding off off real life to engage in a pointless activeity. Its just buying into the addiction more.
I really understand the desire to take back bad decisions, I have made some recently... BUT I can't. In the end its that simple.
I know it feels like you don't have any control over this, but the truth is you do. Its taken a while but I simple just don't entertain those thoughts. They might pop in and I say to myself " oh whatever, I don't care Im trying my best.." I get angry with them for thinking they can't knovk precious minutes off my life. You have every right to feel the same. You have one life, you are human, you messed up , so did I , so did we all, you will probably mess up again , try to learn always from what you do, now.....
get over it.
ok its not that simple but dis-engage and start turning your thoughts somewhere else.
I just wrote a response and then got logged out, hate it when that happens.
I have heard about dialectical behaviour therapy twice now in as many days and i looked it up today to help me with my negative thinking and fear of dealing with my painful feelings about men and my relationships with my family. It was really helpful.
I was able to look at my pain about my mum's treatment of me when she was depressed in an objective way as if listening to someone else telling me about it and how i would feel and i tried to let myself experiennce the pain without judging it.
Not sure if this is right but its getting me to look at things in a different way and that has to be good. I need to try this with feelings about my ex now. Wish me luck
Agreed with Winnie, it would not be constructive to beat myself up over it. But yes, I did get to a point last weekend that I became very aware of my changed values. I remembered that although my H took trust out of our marriage early on, I still expected myself to be trustworthy & I became very dishonest. I was dissappointed but know I can return to being trustworthy any time, it's not a forever thing. (just as thought after relieved from the blinding pain of addiction dissappointment was felt).