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Post by triggered on Jun 24, 2009 0:27:30 GMT -8
I just wanted to check in. I'm happy to report that I've had no contact with my poa. At the end of the week it will be a month. I had some serenity, but now I'm back to total rage. Whenever I'm stressed or have a moment to myself, my thoughts will go to my poa and how he screwed me over, and I feel rage. I dream about kicking him in the nuts, or slapping him at an AA meeting. Or taking him down in some way that will destroy him. I haven't acted out, because I no longer wish to engage with him, but I've definitely been acting out in my head with these violent fantasies directed his way. Or just calling him names in my head.
I don't want any apologies from him, I don't want anything from him.
I am hoping that this anger will fade into ambivalence. I'm just wondering if this is the last phase before I am totally over this? I am trying to be in acceptance of my part, and for showing up for the abuse. I can't control how someone choses to behave, I can only control my part. I showed up for the abuse, I made someone else my HP, and put them above my own needs. Why? Because I was temporarily insane. And now I'm just angry.
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Post by Light on Jun 24, 2009 4:29:26 GMT -8
"I was temporarily insane. And now I'm just angry"
yes, triggered here is what's happening.
Anger is healty, it's part of the process of recovery. You are letting go, at the end you will reach forgiveness, after all the anger possible...
I'm at the point where you are, I'm starting to see forgiveness over there, my anger is slowly disappearing...
You don't want anything from him and that's good, he is out of your life now, at the end he will leave your thoughts too.
good luck! you are doing great, be proud of you!
light
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Post by triggered on Jun 28, 2009 22:12:05 GMT -8
Thanks light. I wish I could see forgiveness, I just don't see myself ever forgiving him. I also don't want to feel angry anymore. It's like my ego is running the show. I can step away from myself and say that I don't want this anymore. I don't want these thoughts. Yet my mind starts running with all of the resentment. I hope that this is just part of the process and will pass. Maybe it's just forgiving myself, for not protecting my inner child. That's what I feel like. As an adult I didn't protect myself and I am angry about it. I work the program, but the negative thoughts come back.
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Post by stephanie on Aug 27, 2009 10:46:31 GMT -8
I have so much anger running through my veins today. Last night I was minding my own business, cooking dinner when my cell phone rang. It was him. I ignored the call. Then he called again and I ignored that one too. Then the 3rd time, I answered and I am so p*ssed that I did. Not only did he make me feel like I was the worst person that ever walked the planet, he also made me feel guilty for "leaving him out in the cold". He reminded me over and over how hard this is on him and that he just wants a chance to explain. I am so mad that I let him get to me.
I couldn't sleep last night, and now my whole day has been ruined. I'm in such a bad mood.
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Post by staystrong on Aug 28, 2009 7:07:06 GMT -8
Anger is a part of the process. I think it often is making other emotions, but at least it isn't the crushing depression that comes with the initial stages of withdrawal.
Try to remember it is a process...this too shall pass.
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Post by staystrong on Aug 28, 2009 7:09:11 GMT -8
I have so much anger running through my veins today. Last night I was minding my own business, cooking dinner when my cell phone rang. It was him. I ignored the call. Then he called again and I ignored that one too. Then the 3rd time, I answered and I am so p*ssed that I did. Not only did he make me feel like I was the worst person that ever walked the planet, he also made me feel guilty for "leaving him out in the cold". He reminded me over and over how hard this is on him and that he just wants a chance to explain. I am so mad that I let him get to me. I couldn't sleep last night, and now my whole day has been ruined. I'm in such a bad mood. Steph hun, I'm sorry. I know you hate that he can have any effect on you at all...but of course he can you have a huge heart and are a loving soul. Give yourself some time to feel your emotions and when you're ready take some control back. Maybe it is time to block his number from your phone. There is no reason that you two need to talk...it only ends like this. I hope that with a little time you start to feel balanced again...we are here for you. |
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Post by stephanie on Aug 28, 2009 10:45:02 GMT -8
Thank you SO much SS!!! Yesterday was a horrible day. I felt like I was pushed all the way back down to square one. But I've been reading a bunch on boundaries today and am reflecting on my habits and how I can make better choices. I'm the only one that has control over my feelings. I can either allow him to have power over me, or I can take a step back and realize that he has his own set of issues that he is trying to project upon me. But......we'll see what happens next time it happens.....hope I remember what I just wrote  I truly appreciate everyone's support and I'm gaining so much knowledge about all of this, which brings me peace. Thank you! |
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Post by abdr0001 on Nov 21, 2009 10:31:59 GMT -8
I don't know how I can have such an emotional vibe come over me it's like i get so angry at my boyfriend for the naiveest things and after going nuts on him (sometimes physical) I just get sad and cry and he doesn't know what to do with all of this. It used to be worse when I drank last year but its now coming through even when im sober..i dont know what to do
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