Post by Rilly on Sept 15, 2008 11:48:21 GMT -8
I tend to isolate myself. Here I sit in my padded, soundproof office (recording studio) totally isolated from everyone. If I trust a person enough I will try to communicate one-on-one. That is the type of interaction i feel the most comfortable with. And I can be very talkative and very open with a person one-on-one. If a third person is introduced into the conversation, then I tend to let the other two talk, and I mostly observe. Perhaps i always feel like the odd person out.
For example, today we had a chat session involving several people. The comments were flying by. I found myself just watching and not really being a participant. That is so typical of me. And it is very deep-rooted. It started at a very early age in my life. Sometimes I'll sit quietly and observe and then only jump into the conversation if I want to make some off-handed, absurd, or tactless remark. It is almost as if I am angry at others for being able to interact so well and I try to sink the ship.
Some group conversations are like a fast moving train. I watch the cars flying by, not knowing how to jump on. But, believe me, I always have something to say. So it is not so much about not having any questions or ideas, but worrying about painting a picture with my words, only to have it end up as the wallpaper decoration behind "their" conversation.
The thing that really contradicts all of this is the fact that I am a fearlessly social person at the same time. I was once on a tour with a large performing group. We were traveling in buses. During the long trip I would get out of my seat and walk up and down the aisle of the bus talking to people. I like people. I'm not always sure if they like me though. And I am walking up and the aisle alone, so any interaction started is directed at me alone.
There is something about being in a group conversation where the others are interacting with each that makes me freeze up and feel unwanted. If I am one-on-one then I know I'm not competing with anyone, so I feel more comfortable, and I have less chance of being interrupted in the middle of something important. And i feel important because I know that person is talking to ME, so I can't be reduced to a mere observer. When my wife and i our talking with another person, she does all the talking. And sometimes I resent that. And when I do start to say something, I often get interrupted, or she finishes my sentence for me. When she isn't with me and I am talking with someone I have a better chance to say what I need or want to say.
There is a risk with one-on-one conversations. There is a chance the person will tire of me quickly, and then ignore me, or try to avoid me. Then I just withdraw and isolate myself, lick my wounds, then resurface after regrouping.
If I can help someone that is in desperate need of help, then it helps me to forget about myself.
Wow. I sound rilly screwed up. Lol.. why am I saying all the stuff. I must be crazy. Rilly!
For example, today we had a chat session involving several people. The comments were flying by. I found myself just watching and not really being a participant. That is so typical of me. And it is very deep-rooted. It started at a very early age in my life. Sometimes I'll sit quietly and observe and then only jump into the conversation if I want to make some off-handed, absurd, or tactless remark. It is almost as if I am angry at others for being able to interact so well and I try to sink the ship.
Some group conversations are like a fast moving train. I watch the cars flying by, not knowing how to jump on. But, believe me, I always have something to say. So it is not so much about not having any questions or ideas, but worrying about painting a picture with my words, only to have it end up as the wallpaper decoration behind "their" conversation.
The thing that really contradicts all of this is the fact that I am a fearlessly social person at the same time. I was once on a tour with a large performing group. We were traveling in buses. During the long trip I would get out of my seat and walk up and down the aisle of the bus talking to people. I like people. I'm not always sure if they like me though. And I am walking up and the aisle alone, so any interaction started is directed at me alone.
There is something about being in a group conversation where the others are interacting with each that makes me freeze up and feel unwanted. If I am one-on-one then I know I'm not competing with anyone, so I feel more comfortable, and I have less chance of being interrupted in the middle of something important. And i feel important because I know that person is talking to ME, so I can't be reduced to a mere observer. When my wife and i our talking with another person, she does all the talking. And sometimes I resent that. And when I do start to say something, I often get interrupted, or she finishes my sentence for me. When she isn't with me and I am talking with someone I have a better chance to say what I need or want to say.
There is a risk with one-on-one conversations. There is a chance the person will tire of me quickly, and then ignore me, or try to avoid me. Then I just withdraw and isolate myself, lick my wounds, then resurface after regrouping.
If I can help someone that is in desperate need of help, then it helps me to forget about myself.
Wow. I sound rilly screwed up. Lol.. why am I saying all the stuff. I must be crazy. Rilly!
