Post by Angel on Sept 16, 2009 9:20:49 GMT -8
Yesterday was an experience I would rather not have to go through again.
I have been feeling funky for a few days. Last Thursday I heard that I had to provide information to the family law courts that my children were in good health and receiving a good education. As we are in China that is a bit of a challenge but I have managed it. Well I asked the school (that I started and was forced to sell) to provide me with a letter. Since I have a problem with the Principal (I feel he cheated me) I asked a teacher to help arrange it and she did. I was told by the teacher (also my friend) that the letter would be sent to me that afternoon. When it didn't arrive she contacted the principal and he told her that he would send it email.
He didn't.
I had to wait till 10am the next day and since it didn't arrive I had to run to the Consulate in Shanghai (four hours away) and get a stat dec stating the same but I had no PROOF!
Monday comes and my daughter announces she was finally given the letter from the school. She remembers later that she has left it on her desk. It is too late to go back and get it as the school is closed. I have till 10am the next day (Tuesday) to get it to the Magistrate. My daughter goes to school and asks the staff to fax it to me (I didn't sleep all night from worry and it was too dangerous for me to drive in that state of only two hours sleep).
They fax it!
But I don't get it!
Cos they put it in the fax machine upside down!
I go racing to the school and am trembling with anger and fear and tiredness. I ask to be given the letter but keep being told by the Chinese staff that it has been sent. I insist and then eventually tell the wife of the Principal that I now have less that 30mins to make sure that the magistrate in my hometown recieves this letter or I lose custody of my children in the divorce proceedings.
I rush home and fax it to my hometown. The clerk tells me it takes 5-7 mins to walk to the courthouse. It is now 9.48 am. I am transferred to the court to speak to the magistrate and explain why I believe that the children should be left with me because I am taking care of them properly. At seven mins to the deadline the documents finally arrive in the courthouse and the magistrate takes five mins to read them announcing two mins before the closing of the case that she is satisfied and will grant custody of the children to me and the divorce as being finalised.
I am an emotional wreck at this stage and wait until I have said goodbye and thankyou to the Magistrate (who was so kind and understanding) before bursting into tears.
I feel like nuts! I have a major release of pain and frustration and hurt and hopelessness and guilt for putting myself and my children through all this.
I care about my husband but I never loved him. I feel no physical or emotional attraction to him. I married him because he felt safe. I was an emotional wreck after one abusive or neglectful relationship after the other. My last bf before him slept with a knife under his pillow! Choosing my husband was commonsense but I felt so empty and dead. I literally disappeared in the marriage and he became depressed and withdrew because he could sense that I wasn't happy.
He lied to me about many things before we married. I think I also married him because I could blame the communication problems on language and culture when in fact they were emotional.
My kids are wonderful. I wanted to show them what a healthy relationship was and so I decided to divorce. In Oct 2004 on my birthday I told my XH I wanted a divorce as the marriage wasn't working and he didn't seem to want to put an effort into it. He cried but I insisted. It took five more years before we reached the point yesterday.
The weird thing was that we signed the papers four years ago and I sent them to my mother who hid them for two and a half years. She lied to me and said everything was ok. When I went back to Australia I discovered them in some paperwork. I had been constantly asking her for the certificate of divorce and she had ignored me. She didn't want me to divorce but I knew it was the right thing. Anyway, he was already in another relationship. People thought that because I was polite and kind and friendly around him we would work as husband and wife.
I don't want a relationship where my husband doesn't want to touch me or have sex with me or only does touch me when he does want sex with me.
I suffered so much loneliness.
Shortly after the divorce I got involved with my first Chinese POA and it was horrible, chaotic and cruel. I was a mess. I finally went NC and nine months later and two years and a half after signing the divorce papers, I start dating western guys.
It goes crazy. Each one lasting (with one exception) for no more than a week or ten days.
My friends told me to hold back and not be so intense but it is my intensity that attracts them so magnetically to me. Their heads literallly spin off their axis to see me and get to me. I used to joke with my gfs that the speed at which they ran to me was the same speed at which they ran away.
It is true!
I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller. I feel at times bitter and resentful that the life I tried to provide for my kids is so chaotic. I have been cheated in business in relationships and in society. I started so many associations and the local school only to have people turn and betray me in major ways.
I had a total emotional collapse after the decision to divorce and I have only just started to come out of it. Finding this webpage has been an oasis of relief. For years I have struggled with helping everyone else and disappearing myself. Now I have found people who GET me and understand what I am going through without me needing to explain or justify it.
I am sooo tired. And I am fearful at times I will never get better, will always attract losers and that my kids will be badly damaged. I worry that I will never work out what it is that I want to do with my life and that the failure to do that will mean that I don't 'graduate' and be able to have a satisfying relationship.
When the magistrate said that she granted the divorce I felt sadness and closure.
Now, today I just feel tired, very tired.
I want to believe I will get better. I feel a little bit better even though I still obsess and am angry with all the men who have never really loved me.
How is it that I have reached this point in my life and NEVER really felt loved by a man. I feel loved by my children but have never truely felt loved by a man. In fact I have NO IDEA what it is like to be loved.
Will I ever heal? Will I ever be whole? Those are the questions I am asking myself now.
I have been feeling funky for a few days. Last Thursday I heard that I had to provide information to the family law courts that my children were in good health and receiving a good education. As we are in China that is a bit of a challenge but I have managed it. Well I asked the school (that I started and was forced to sell) to provide me with a letter. Since I have a problem with the Principal (I feel he cheated me) I asked a teacher to help arrange it and she did. I was told by the teacher (also my friend) that the letter would be sent to me that afternoon. When it didn't arrive she contacted the principal and he told her that he would send it email.
He didn't.
I had to wait till 10am the next day and since it didn't arrive I had to run to the Consulate in Shanghai (four hours away) and get a stat dec stating the same but I had no PROOF!
Monday comes and my daughter announces she was finally given the letter from the school. She remembers later that she has left it on her desk. It is too late to go back and get it as the school is closed. I have till 10am the next day (Tuesday) to get it to the Magistrate. My daughter goes to school and asks the staff to fax it to me (I didn't sleep all night from worry and it was too dangerous for me to drive in that state of only two hours sleep).
They fax it!
But I don't get it!
Cos they put it in the fax machine upside down!
I go racing to the school and am trembling with anger and fear and tiredness. I ask to be given the letter but keep being told by the Chinese staff that it has been sent. I insist and then eventually tell the wife of the Principal that I now have less that 30mins to make sure that the magistrate in my hometown recieves this letter or I lose custody of my children in the divorce proceedings.
I rush home and fax it to my hometown. The clerk tells me it takes 5-7 mins to walk to the courthouse. It is now 9.48 am. I am transferred to the court to speak to the magistrate and explain why I believe that the children should be left with me because I am taking care of them properly. At seven mins to the deadline the documents finally arrive in the courthouse and the magistrate takes five mins to read them announcing two mins before the closing of the case that she is satisfied and will grant custody of the children to me and the divorce as being finalised.
I am an emotional wreck at this stage and wait until I have said goodbye and thankyou to the Magistrate (who was so kind and understanding) before bursting into tears.
I feel like nuts! I have a major release of pain and frustration and hurt and hopelessness and guilt for putting myself and my children through all this.
I care about my husband but I never loved him. I feel no physical or emotional attraction to him. I married him because he felt safe. I was an emotional wreck after one abusive or neglectful relationship after the other. My last bf before him slept with a knife under his pillow! Choosing my husband was commonsense but I felt so empty and dead. I literally disappeared in the marriage and he became depressed and withdrew because he could sense that I wasn't happy.
He lied to me about many things before we married. I think I also married him because I could blame the communication problems on language and culture when in fact they were emotional.
My kids are wonderful. I wanted to show them what a healthy relationship was and so I decided to divorce. In Oct 2004 on my birthday I told my XH I wanted a divorce as the marriage wasn't working and he didn't seem to want to put an effort into it. He cried but I insisted. It took five more years before we reached the point yesterday.
The weird thing was that we signed the papers four years ago and I sent them to my mother who hid them for two and a half years. She lied to me and said everything was ok. When I went back to Australia I discovered them in some paperwork. I had been constantly asking her for the certificate of divorce and she had ignored me. She didn't want me to divorce but I knew it was the right thing. Anyway, he was already in another relationship. People thought that because I was polite and kind and friendly around him we would work as husband and wife.
I don't want a relationship where my husband doesn't want to touch me or have sex with me or only does touch me when he does want sex with me.
I suffered so much loneliness.
Shortly after the divorce I got involved with my first Chinese POA and it was horrible, chaotic and cruel. I was a mess. I finally went NC and nine months later and two years and a half after signing the divorce papers, I start dating western guys.
It goes crazy. Each one lasting (with one exception) for no more than a week or ten days.
My friends told me to hold back and not be so intense but it is my intensity that attracts them so magnetically to me. Their heads literallly spin off their axis to see me and get to me. I used to joke with my gfs that the speed at which they ran to me was the same speed at which they ran away.
It is true!
I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller. I feel at times bitter and resentful that the life I tried to provide for my kids is so chaotic. I have been cheated in business in relationships and in society. I started so many associations and the local school only to have people turn and betray me in major ways.
I had a total emotional collapse after the decision to divorce and I have only just started to come out of it. Finding this webpage has been an oasis of relief. For years I have struggled with helping everyone else and disappearing myself. Now I have found people who GET me and understand what I am going through without me needing to explain or justify it.
I am sooo tired. And I am fearful at times I will never get better, will always attract losers and that my kids will be badly damaged. I worry that I will never work out what it is that I want to do with my life and that the failure to do that will mean that I don't 'graduate' and be able to have a satisfying relationship.
When the magistrate said that she granted the divorce I felt sadness and closure.
Now, today I just feel tired, very tired.
I want to believe I will get better. I feel a little bit better even though I still obsess and am angry with all the men who have never really loved me.
How is it that I have reached this point in my life and NEVER really felt loved by a man. I feel loved by my children but have never truely felt loved by a man. In fact I have NO IDEA what it is like to be loved.
Will I ever heal? Will I ever be whole? Those are the questions I am asking myself now.
