Envy and Jealousy

Thanksgiving is already getting to me. My ex wife went to Florida with our kids. They are gone all this week.

I will go to my cousin's house for Thanksgiving. I feel very alone and very responsible for the state of things, I have a deep sense that Thanksgiving was not meant to be the way it is for me and for my ex and our children (she much prefers it now to the alternative though - she really enjoys the freedom of not having me around. ) But I do know that she wishes things were different in the sense that when she agreed to marry me she never envisioned having such a bad marriage and getting divorced. I have a lot of regret, remorse and shame. Thanksgiving is tough. I really hate it.

I only go because I sort of believe what people tell me that being alone for Thanksgiving is worse and its bad for me. Plus people in my family really badger me to go to Thanksgiving, they don't want me to be alone. It's just something I have to get through.

I think I need to go through my gratitude list... usually one of the things my sponsor prescribes when I am feeling negative.

I also realize that a part of me wants to be comforted. I think I need to do that myself today. Tell myself I will be OK, I will be alright

well I feel as if I'm well into recovery over my ex POA but now having to deal with the real POA in my life - my husband of 22 yrs. relationships are all about choice. wanting to stay in them and choosing to stick with it. even when you feel like you want to tear your hair out at times.

we have our problems but we are two separate entities with different issues. we look at things differently and deal with things differently and there is so much we do not see eye to eye on.

how we bring up our daughters for instance. I'm not perfect but the girls and I can scream and shout and then end up in each others arms apologising to each other and expressing our love for one another. my husband was brought up by the belt. he loves his parents but I dont think he has had a real hug from his mother in his whole life.

it was heartbreaking after he had his operation and was lying half paralysed in his hospital bed. his mother went up to him and kissed him gently on the cheek and stroked his face. that brought tears to my husband's brother's eyes too. he told me later that he had never seen his mother do anything like that to him or to any of his 5 siblings. not in an entire lifetime.

how can i expect my husband to know how to be gentle with his daughters and not almost always as critical and seemingly unfeeling as he can be at times? he does hug them sometimes and shows them affection but i only wish he could do that more. and my girls talk to me about how mean he is sometimes.

I wish he could concentrate on our family instead of working night and day to try and guarantee us a future from an economic point of view. convinced as he is that he doesn't have much longer to live. no reason to think that because his tumour was benign but that's his obsession.

we were so close for such a long time despite our differences.

i remember when we first married and he used to ask me to sing him the lullabies he had heard me singing to the girls...his mother and father spent their whole lives working the land and their idea of love was to feed and clothe their kids and leave them to fend for themselves. that was it. and they still act like that in their late 70s.

I have my inner child issues but still hug and kiss my parents and love them so much. and they gave me and my 4 siblings such a loving upbringing. thinking about my husband's lack of nurturing as a child is really overwhelming me right now...

must be PMS too( that time of the month, not Personal msgs!)...I've been crying so much over the last 24 hours...hadn't been able to do that for a couple of weeks I don't think. seeing and understanding more about myself thanks to posting and PM-ing a couple of people at the same time. lots of work to do on myself and my relationship...

maybe I've still got a lot of anger inside about my exPOA too...i let him into my life but i wish I hadnt. I wish I had been stronger and not listened to his criticism of my marriage and life. I wish I hadnt pushed God out of my life to let my exPOA in... but I did and I have to learn to live with that.
please no comments about how I should confess to my husband. even if I did, it wouldnt help me or make me feel better. I could put an advert in the papers confessing all and that still wouldnt help me.

this is about me wronging myself and turning my back on God.

I know He's glad to have me back in the fold and I'm thankful that my conscience is working again.

Light, did you find that book helpful as a torch-bearer? I thought that book had to do with people actually in a relationship with someone they are addicted to, so I didn't buy it.

Greta,

You have said that you talked to your Priest and confessed to your Priest everything that you had done wrong. Please take the advice of your Priest. If he told you that you were forgiven, please believe him. Your Priest is God's representative. In telling you that you are forgiven, he takes the responsibility of your misdeeds upon himself.

You were forgiven. But you need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive your POA. You need to forgive anyone who has said something that upset you. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You must put your misdeeds behind you, just as if they never happened.

You are being too hard on yourself. Yes, I know I'm not the first person to tell you that. I don't feel like my feelings have been hurt by anything you have said. You are a good person. You can hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, and what you represent.

Learning the let things go, and not be offended is part of recovery. It is something that I have had a problem with. But I know I can master that ability. Today I am pledging yet again to let things go, and not let myself be wound up in anxiety over misspoken words or misdeeds.

It is our responsibility to forgive others, and allow them to walk in a fresh light, with a new slate of hope.

Rilly

Rilly I bear no grudges against anybody. I've still got to get over some of the hurt regarding my POA but I certainly don't blame him for what I did. I have no problem at all forgiving other people and as I've said before I judge nobody else's moral standards or life choices . the highest standards I set are for myself...little miss perfect, remember?

As a Catholic I believe in free will. nobody forced me to do anything and I have to take responsibility for what I have done. I believe I've received God's forgiveness but will spend the rest of my life trying to deserve that forgiveness.

But no, I will not put my misdeeds behind me as if they had never happened. where's the sense in that? You have to learn from your mistakes, accept forgiveness but NOT FORGET. how could you learn otherwise? I know I can be too hard on myself and that is something I'm going to try and change. But I've been like this all my life and it's not going to happen overnight.

I believe I am in recovery but will never be RECOVERED. when we least expect it we can let our guard down and slip again. Somebody on this board told me early on never to become complacent. that advice will stay with me till my dying day.

I have hope for a brighter future and I'm sorry if I've been wallowing in self pity today. My spirits have lifted thanks to the kind words of one person in particular. someone who could see through their own misery and suffering and reach out to me in an attempt to make me feel better about myself.

Greta,

I am not advocating pretending that our mistakes never happened. Putting things behind us does not mean that. Nor do I believe we are ever completely recovered. I also believe we should learn from our mistakes. And that we should be aware of slippery slopes.

You feel guilt for so much only because you are a good person, and you have a conscience. I've heard someone describe a conscience as the Light of Christ. It is a good thing you possess that. The deeper into love addiction I was submerged, the less of a conscience I had. I tried to push away the guilt and rationalize my actions. Even though I have been in recovery for over a year, I feel in some ways more guilt now than I did before for my past actions. But that is good. I see that as a positive sign. I do have a conscience now. It is a protection to me. At the same time I try to follow the admonition of Christ when he said to have peace. We can have peace in our souls. We can believe we have changed, and feel good about ourselves for what we have achieved. You don't need to reach perfection, just move in the right direction. Everyone needs to move as their own pace.

I can't help but feel at great sense of gratitude for what I have had to endure. It has taught me so much. Everyone on this site teaches me so much. Thank you very much for being so caring. I would not have survived without your help.

Rilly