I was just replying to a post in another section when I made the statement...I don't feel anything anymore and when I do it is sadness. It came to me....I haven't felt like my husband loves me...I don't see the look in his eyes anymore, I don't feel the warmth in his touch, even when we make love...it isn't there...I don't feel safe in his arms anymore...and all this time I thought it was because he didn't love me....but it's ME I can't feel it. Bless his heart no matter what he does to express it I can't feel it. I have had to work so hard to block out the pain that I have blocked out the love too! My heart is about to pound out of my chest because I know I can never get that back until I work through this....I am going to have to feel the pain so that I can feel his love. Life is cruel!
Wow, I'm sitting here in much pain. I asked my PoA if I could just has a kiss goodnight since I was nearby & had not seen him in 7 days. He did not answer. I drove by, he had company. I called & left a serious goodbye text. This came after the need to live honest again & had surfaced, along with the pain of the addiction. I really want to stick with my no more sex deal (he had no other use for me). I'm thinking that will be the end of him. I am wanting to ride it through. I don't want to take it back like I always have in the past.
I did some step 1 work & realized just as this post, that I feel blocked from recieving love. I feel like I'm in a glass cube, I can see the outside but only look at my PoA, I yearn for him to join me in my cube to make me all better. I don't look at other people in my life worthy of my love & attention. If they look at me in my glass cube, they can not reach me. I can not feel or hear them, the glass is my pain. No one can hear or feel me either, it's only my PoA I reach for anyway. There is a door out, there are several, I want to sit in it, hoping he will come inside & be alone with me & make it a happy place. He wont, he told me he does not want to share happiness with me...I do not hear him, I am in a glass cube.
What you said back in August lit up for me in the past day too!
I want to stop looking at my PoA as if he is the only person that holds the key. He told me he doesn't. I want to love the people that want to be in my life, I want to meet people that want to be in my life, I want to welcome & accept love from those you have been waiting to share it with me for over a year now. I want that so much.
Today is day 1 of me deciding to cut the deal (it's been a week, but that was his choice) Today I choose to end it & move on. I'm hurting but I keep reading over & over, it does get better. I trust it will for me too.