Passage from "Eat, Pray, Love"

Good question meta - I know for me I try to make things better. In the thick of my last addictive relationship I would try to make things better even when HE had been mean. That's just what I do in life. Instead of just sitting with uncomfortable feelings (at best) or sheer panic (at worst) I dive into "fix it" mode.

It has been a real challenge since coming to the site to stop that behavior. I mean my stomach actually clenches when I just sit there and don't do anything.

I have to start doing the same thing when I get angry. Very difficult for me to keep cool when I get angry. But I like what one of the posts said this morning. It will pass.

basically any addiction is a means of not facing up to the pain of ourselves . I have basically medicated with my POA.

I have had an enourmous trauma in the past week , I may write about it in another thread. but for the first time in a long time ,all i want to do is talk to him about it . He is avoiding me , I have hassled him all day. I feel deeply ashamed.

I cant bear to feel these feelings I want to foucs on him cos I know that when i do and when he gives me attention I feel momentarily better. Still . even now.
Like the drunk with the temporary reprive of the drink.

I have ordered " how to break your addiction to a person" to try to combat this episode.

But its time to suffer and feel what i need to feel . what I cant work out is what i am afraid of. why cant I flet myself eel the pain? I dont need him and he doesnt want to be needed.

ergh

I agree with the idea that some kids have more sensitive personalities than others, because I teach them and see that all the time.
The thing that really helps me to keep away from my POA is contact with other people. I do volunteer work with some really funny people, and just being around them is a great distraction. Yesterday my POA called and left a message to say "hi", and this is the FIRST TIME in 5 years I did not reply in any way! No text, or voice message or e-mail or call, NOTHING! How did I do it? I guess time has just made me weary of the whole thing. But being around others helps.

Great posts, folks. Sorry to hear about your trauma, winnie. I hope you are getting the support you need for it.

I had a just the opposite experience this week! I had an incredible situation happen that was just a dream come true work-wise. Oh my gosh how I wanted to share it with my last poa who I see frequently at our common work site. He would loved to have heard it, too. He knows something is going on because I was talking about it to other people in the facility.

And here is my love addicted dilemma. I could easily tell him all about it. But I feel that it's creating that "bond" that I can't handle. He would be perfectly happy to be buddies with me. We get along fine in the workplace. The problem is with ME. I am still jealous that he has a fiancee. That he didn't pick me. I either cannot or will not let go of that resentment and so I choose to keep my conversations with him short , and only about work.

I also feel that unless I am willing to chat with him about something as dear to him (his fiancee, his life with her) as this recent situation is dear to me, than it is not fair for me to to there.

I can't have my cake and eat it, too. I feel like I was a little too "out there" with my excitement this past week, and intend to reign it in from this point on.

Also, there are many other more appropriate people I shared the story with - and it's just safer.

Also, I am going to be honest here, I don't want a friendly work-place relationship with him because I don't want to be just like the rest of the woman he's had affairs with that remain friendly with him. How's that for maturity? Ugh. Oh, well, it's a far far cry from the acting out I did when I was in the thick of things.

fluffybunny and chrissy - Yes, interesting. Both the pursuing and the ensuing pain of my addictive behavior did create a whole world for me where I could avoid dealing with other issues.

On the other hand, discovering who I am relative to the love addiction is priceless. Dealing with the other issues now does not seem so bad relative to the pain of the love addiction.

oh thank you fluffybunny! Isn't it great when someone gets what your talking about? Ya, the more I thought about this "friend thing with the poa" I just thought - nah, not gonna work. I'd turn into Gidget again pining after moondoggie.

And although his clique are wonderful women, my pride just wants me to stand apart. It's crazy - but like you said, all's fair when it comes to my pride.

I am a very emotionally sensitive person. Always have been. My feelings are very easily hurt, and I cry very easily. I realize I seem to be more emotionally reactive to situations than the average person, which has led me to long periods of painful depression, periods of extreme anxiety in which I would avoid situations and people. When the pain is unbearable, I would turn to fantasy thinking, binging on chocolate, smoking, alcoholic binge drinking, internet addiction, compulsive shopping, episodes of bulimia and anorexia, and cutting myself. Oh, and of course, men and sex....
I am trying now to replace those negative coping skills with more positive coping skills...trying to find time to work on affirmations and bible study and prayer, trying to keep myself busy doing crafts or even coloring in coloring books. But facing those feelings....wow....that is really tough for me.

Good for you shattereddreams! Hang in there!

I will tell on myself. For me I have spread out over several behaviors that do not really fill the void. I have turned to spending money,food, minimal contact with POA, fantasizing, (drank twice), favorite websites, and excessive smoking. None of them to an unhealthy level, except I have always been a heavy smoker. I know I must try more involvement in my HP and meditation and mostly finding others I do not obsess about for friendship and support and spending more time doing things with my children.

Oh, I meant to further expound on the pride issue. What does that mean exactly if I am letting pride rule my behaviors? Is that a defense mechanism? Or is it healthy and allowable?

I was also visualizing today seeing my POA with another woman and how that would make me feel. Of course I felt stabbing through my heart, but I was practicing feeling that pain. Is that masochistic behavior, or is it okay to create painful thoughts like that to let them out?

SC

Nothing's ever prepared me. No matter how many times and ways I visualize it - it's much worse when I see it.

Just take a deep breath. Go home and have a cry if you have to. Ask for help.

It passes. Life (yours) goes on.