Post by presence on Jul 21, 2009 18:55:22 GMT -8
Today someone called me an older person and I didn't flinch. It didn't hurt. Acceptance I guess.
Acceptance of bad things too:
I have never had anyone fall in love with me.
I am 46 years old this year and it looks like it will never happen.
I wasn't loved very well as a child. And I've had to realize how alone/without family I really am this year. I have had such a hard time just accepting the reality of my family... but reality feels better.
Maybe I never learned how to attract and love others well enough.
Last month, I was thinking about not wanting to live a lot.
Now I think about just enduring life. When I think about not wasting life...my mind stalls. I don't care much. The thought about not wanting to live comes less often and less intensely but it still comes....not the same as suicidal. Yet, if I had to guess, I'm content or even feel as happy as I act for 70% to 80% of each day....maybe more....but the thoughts of "how much longer do I have to do this" come at least once or twice a day.
I've stopped trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong or what went wrong when. I'm not going back to therapy. I have no money and I went for years....to a great one. He's taught me all he can. I want what I want and I can't get it. Therefore, I have to grieve.
The material part of my life? I worked hard and was successful. Very. My social/emotional life just hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to, no matter the effort. Some things just aren't meant to be. Maybe God said, "no" and I refused to hear.
I cry sometimes. It doesn't last long--minute or two.
I try to pray but its empty. I'm still going to church but I only hear what he's saying occasionally....or all of it if its a stellar sermon, like last week.
I distract myself as best I can on the day to day.
I wrote to my POA and kept it in my journal. The longing to talk to him is much less intense.I still fantasize about him because he's the only one that has comforted me when I was sad--the only one in many decades....despite how lousy he was afterward.
Keeping "his lousy behavior" in front of me keeps the fantasy from getting too deep. I would long more for that mysterious someday-man but I don't believe he's there anymore. My fantasies about an older man are much more comforting (wanting a father figure still--I guess)
I hope there's something at the other end of grieving the death of my hope (for an enduring love and companionship.)
My job may enable me to live in another country in a few years. When the training becomes less intense I can finish my thesis in fall.
When the thesis is done I can work on finishing my book.
I am glad I am able to think about the future....if only a little.
For now, I go to work, exercise, try to eat well, try to feel my feelings without judging them. My loneliness is less acute.
I'm tired of pretending to be okay but I have a better time with friends when I do. Maybe this is best.
My ultimate failures? I had dreams of a close relationship but I never imagined having children, nor did I ever imagine myself in a wedding dress. I never had enough self-esteem to want these things for myself. I didn't have enough self-esteem to attract anyone worthwhile.
Acceptance: Life's opportunities aren't forever. Doors have closed. Some dreams have to be given up. This dream has been with me for more than 40 years. It may take more than a few months for it to die. This month it seems more likely that the death of this dream won't take all of me down. And that may be a small thing but it's still progress.
Keeping Current
Presence
Acceptance of bad things too:
I have never had anyone fall in love with me.
I am 46 years old this year and it looks like it will never happen.
I wasn't loved very well as a child. And I've had to realize how alone/without family I really am this year. I have had such a hard time just accepting the reality of my family... but reality feels better.
Maybe I never learned how to attract and love others well enough.
Last month, I was thinking about not wanting to live a lot.
Now I think about just enduring life. When I think about not wasting life...my mind stalls. I don't care much. The thought about not wanting to live comes less often and less intensely but it still comes....not the same as suicidal. Yet, if I had to guess, I'm content or even feel as happy as I act for 70% to 80% of each day....maybe more....but the thoughts of "how much longer do I have to do this" come at least once or twice a day.
I've stopped trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong or what went wrong when. I'm not going back to therapy. I have no money and I went for years....to a great one. He's taught me all he can. I want what I want and I can't get it. Therefore, I have to grieve.
The material part of my life? I worked hard and was successful. Very. My social/emotional life just hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to, no matter the effort. Some things just aren't meant to be. Maybe God said, "no" and I refused to hear.
I cry sometimes. It doesn't last long--minute or two.
I try to pray but its empty. I'm still going to church but I only hear what he's saying occasionally....or all of it if its a stellar sermon, like last week.
I distract myself as best I can on the day to day.
I wrote to my POA and kept it in my journal. The longing to talk to him is much less intense.I still fantasize about him because he's the only one that has comforted me when I was sad--the only one in many decades....despite how lousy he was afterward.
Keeping "his lousy behavior" in front of me keeps the fantasy from getting too deep. I would long more for that mysterious someday-man but I don't believe he's there anymore. My fantasies about an older man are much more comforting (wanting a father figure still--I guess)
I hope there's something at the other end of grieving the death of my hope (for an enduring love and companionship.)
My job may enable me to live in another country in a few years. When the training becomes less intense I can finish my thesis in fall.
When the thesis is done I can work on finishing my book.
I am glad I am able to think about the future....if only a little.
For now, I go to work, exercise, try to eat well, try to feel my feelings without judging them. My loneliness is less acute.
I'm tired of pretending to be okay but I have a better time with friends when I do. Maybe this is best.
My ultimate failures? I had dreams of a close relationship but I never imagined having children, nor did I ever imagine myself in a wedding dress. I never had enough self-esteem to want these things for myself. I didn't have enough self-esteem to attract anyone worthwhile.
Acceptance: Life's opportunities aren't forever. Doors have closed. Some dreams have to be given up. This dream has been with me for more than 40 years. It may take more than a few months for it to die. This month it seems more likely that the death of this dream won't take all of me down. And that may be a small thing but it's still progress.
Keeping Current
Presence
