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Post by fluffybunny on Sept 15, 2008 9:46:03 GMT -8
Hi folks,
I struggle with a lot of feelings of loneliness on weekends. I'm trying to come to terms with it somehow. Here are some things I've learned
1. I've let go of the fantasy that my last boyfriend had some magic power to alleviate these feelings. He never did and never will. It seems ridiculous that I imagined he had such power!
2. I'm not sure loneliness is really a feeling at all. It seems like a mixture of sadness and fear. I can't quite get at the source of the fear.
3. I make it worse by thinking it's some kind of personal failure to have these feelings. It passes more quickly if I allow it to be.
4. I don't travel by myself anymore. I tell myself it's because it makes me feel more lonely. But you know what? I feel lonely if I stay home, too. Might as well go someplace.
5. I want to quit pushing loneliness away and being ashamed of it. Surely it will help to be welcoming to my lonely parts.
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Post by bungabali on Sept 15, 2008 17:18:05 GMT -8
That's really good fluffybunny (such a cute id name! ) That's what I had to go through to, just allow myself to feel the loneliness. It gets better as time goes on.
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Post by fluffybunny on Sept 15, 2008 21:34:54 GMT -8
Hi Bungibali. Love your butterflies  The odd thing is I've been single most of the past 20 years, so you'd think I'd be comfortable with loneliness by now. But I've actually found ways to avoid feeling it much at all. |
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Post by fairydust on Sept 16, 2008 0:53:35 GMT -8
Hi Fluffy Bunny. I like your name too. As a child I preferred my stuffed rabbit to my teddy. Something about its cute floppy ears. I've been alone most of my life and prevented myself from noticing it by living in my head and having lots of different interests. I knew on some level I was just being a spectator of life, not a participator, but no matter how much I tried to connect with other people I could not.
The wake up call for me came at age 59 when I needed to have cataract surgery. The surgeon refused to do it the first time I turned up because I did not have anyone to take me home after having anaesthetic. That made me realise how very much alone I was, and how important it was not to be any more. I'm reaching out to other people much more now and I have definitely widened my circle of acquaintances, if not genuine friends. Finding and making friends takes work like anything else worth having. I wish you all the best, Fluffy Bunny, in your quest.
Fairydust
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 16, 2008 3:47:40 GMT -8
HELLO FB,
Not sure you read the post about "not depending on your PoA." Basically it was a post on how to be alone. In it, i posted a letter that was written to me and I'll tack it on down bottom so that you can read it. Fear of being alone and loneliness is one of the hardest things I have had to overcome. Today, i'm kind of resigned to the fact that there's no getting over it. It's part of life, like it or not. That being said, this letter sums it up much more eloquently....
A letter from a friend:
Dear T,
I've given this a lot of thought because I really appreciate your openess and I do empathize with you.
Having said that, I'm not exactly sure I'm the best person to comment on this because I'm a perpetually single, committment-phobe. But here goes....
I had the unfortunate experience when I was quite young of losing my life mate in a car accident and I think that toughened me up a lot. It was devastating but also a reality check that contributed in clueing me in to a few little nuggets of insight which over the years have been reinforced by lots of other wonderful learning experiences:
I am here on the planet alone. I came here alone and I will be leaving alone. (The fact that I had a mom to hold me and nurse me was a bonus- not everybody gets that.) I am connected to every living being here, and the planet itself, by some fantastically mysterious thread that my little pea brain can't quite grasp but it makes me feel like I belong in the here and now and it's all good.
I cannot count on anyone else to make or keep me happy. I am responsible for my own feelings and how I react to my circumstances (which are largely a result of my own choices anyway). I can rely on God/Goddess/Yaweh/Allah... (whatever works for ya) for wisdom, guidance and comfort- the rest is up to me. The most important relationships I will ever have are with myself and that higher presence that I choose to acknowledge. I have to love myself as unconditionally as I want someone else to love me. I have to like my own company as much as I want someone else to like being with me. Every single person who has touched my life in any way has been a bonus and a gift. Whether it was a positive or negative experience- it was an opportunity to learn something about myself and the world, about who I am, what I do and don't want in my life.
This may sound a bit narcissistic - like...it's all about me. Well, guess what? Nobody else is going to make you or your happiness a priority with the same investment that you will. It's great to be with someone or fall in love and make that deep connection with another person but you can't lose yourself in it. Don't expect it to be a magic pill that's going to ensure your everlasting bliss. It's not. YOU are the magic pill.
And it's the "alone" time that gives you the chance to take a breath and reflect and evaluate what's going on in your life and why it might be going on. I know that sometimes the "alone" time seems to drag on a little farther than we want. I've had lots of long stretches where I think, am I NEVER going to meet anyone that I connect with??? Like EVER!!!!! Geeez I love myself to bits - why can't I find someone who sees how wonderful I am!! LOL
But seriously, we are conditioned and socialized to think that we're "not complete" as human beings unless we have that "special someone". Like there's something wrong with you if you're not coupled up. Combine that with our innate human urge to just....CONNECT (physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually), and we've got a lot of people walking around depressed and lonely.
It's simply not true, T. Being single is not a disease. It's not better or worse than being in a relationsip or married- it's just different. And it's really OK. It's actually a lot of fun and a big relief sometimes!!! I'm sure it's a hard adjustment if you've always been part of a couple. But it's not a bad thing unless you make it a bad thing. It's all about your perception.
I'm very glad to hear that you're solid with your quit [smoking] because that's a big step towards loving yourself!! Taking care of your health and taking control. You can do the same with your emotional life.
Sorry for babbling. I hope this helps.
C
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beth
New Member
Posts: 38
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Post by beth on Sept 16, 2008 12:43:12 GMT -8
I had a very odd experience around loneliness last night: I was lying in bed waiting to fall asleep...was half asleep...and the realization came to me: I'm LONELY! but the experience felt very very different, more...like and adult who feel lonely, for real, from lack of a companion in bed after a hard day's work, then the years (decades) of the more atavistic infantile SCARED nutsLESS loneliness.
What struck me was: it still hurts; AND I can totally embrace a regular...emotion that comes, brings tears, and then goes.
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Sept 16, 2008 15:42:08 GMT -8
I'm incredibly lonely. I had a friend tell me she was coming home soon and would be there to comfort me. I saw then that I had depended on other so much for instancy and have hopped on computers, buses, and telephones to avoid being lonely. It's something I need to feel. However, since my loneliness has crept its way back into my life, the thoughts of love and romance have obsessed me.
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Sept 16, 2008 15:44:50 GMT -8
I'm incredibly lonely. I had a friend tell me she was coming home soon and would be there to comfort me. I saw then that I had depended on other so much for instancy and have hopped on computers, buses, and telephones to avoid being lonely. It's something I need to feel. However, since my loneliness has crept its way back into my life, the thoughts of love and romance have obsessed me.
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Post by fluffybunny on Sept 17, 2008 0:35:39 GMT -8
and prevented myself from noticing it by living in my head and having lots of different interests. Hi fairydust, boy that part sure fits me to a "T". I've even had the eye surgery dilemma, too. |
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Post by fluffybunny on Sept 17, 2008 0:43:01 GMT -8
Telmita, that's a great letter. Your friend is wise.
Beth, sounds like you've come a long way. I'm trying to get to a point of normal, adult loneliness instead of this scary incapacitating feeling.
Sobrietythirst, I certainly relate to using activities to avoid loneliness. For me, loneliness is what's there when I'm not in a relationship and not using fantasy. So in a sense it's a good place for me to be. Better than the current alternatives.
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Post by fairydust on Sept 17, 2008 3:18:44 GMT -8
Unlike SF and B, I feel fabulous when I'm alone in my bed! It's like being back in the womb, snuggled under cosy warm blankets and without a care in the world. I think I would like a loving partner beside me, but would I really? Would he make me feel that my space was being invaded? Or that there wasn't enough room in the womb for two?
I live in a city suburb with a couple of very large shopping centres, so all I have to do to not feel alone is to walk through them, or have a cup of coffee there. Occasionally I suggest to someone I know that we meet for coffee, and I need to do that more often.
When I recovered from my intense craving for my POA, I just decided to get on with my life. That experience with him was just a pit stop, but I'm back on the track now with more things to do, places to see and people to meet.
Fairydust
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