Post by frost on May 15, 2009 3:26:38 GMT -8
There are times, like this morning, when I can't really identify how I feel. I just generally feel 'blah' this morning, and I have to pick apart all of the things that I am feeling, revisit some though or memory that gave me 'bad' feelings and see what those feelings are.
I have crawled back into bed three times this morning , hoping for sleep but not really tired, just not wanting to face the day.
When I start to look at my feelings there is a lot of shame, guilt, remorse, regret, fear, loneliness, emptiness, feelings of inadequacy, not being worthy, feeling unloved.
I also feel trapped and a sort of frantic longing for something, something like an escape. Like I am looking for something that is going to help me not to feel this way.
It's hard to just sit in these feelings and not use fantasy to medicate them.
In the fantasies I am loved, needed, desired, respected, cherished. When the fantasy is over I still have my life just the way it is.
So my goal today is to try to get through these feelings without medicating them in a counter-productive way, hoping to learn the lesson that on the other side of these feelings is a lesson for me that I can live through them. I have spent a lot of my life medicating and acting out to avoid negative feelings. When I feel lonely, sad and fearful, it seems to me like I am dying or something and I have to do something to make myself feel better, to feel loved and desired. So I have never really learned to get through these periods of loneliness, sadness and fear, I think I need to repeatedly consistently get through these feelings to condition myself to deal with them in a healthy way. I've seldom gotten through them so I can see them for the bogeymen that they are.
So that is going to be my struggle this morning
I have crawled back into bed three times this morning , hoping for sleep but not really tired, just not wanting to face the day.
When I start to look at my feelings there is a lot of shame, guilt, remorse, regret, fear, loneliness, emptiness, feelings of inadequacy, not being worthy, feeling unloved.
I also feel trapped and a sort of frantic longing for something, something like an escape. Like I am looking for something that is going to help me not to feel this way.
It's hard to just sit in these feelings and not use fantasy to medicate them.
In the fantasies I am loved, needed, desired, respected, cherished. When the fantasy is over I still have my life just the way it is.
So my goal today is to try to get through these feelings without medicating them in a counter-productive way, hoping to learn the lesson that on the other side of these feelings is a lesson for me that I can live through them. I have spent a lot of my life medicating and acting out to avoid negative feelings. When I feel lonely, sad and fearful, it seems to me like I am dying or something and I have to do something to make myself feel better, to feel loved and desired. So I have never really learned to get through these periods of loneliness, sadness and fear, I think I need to repeatedly consistently get through these feelings to condition myself to deal with them in a healthy way. I've seldom gotten through them so I can see them for the bogeymen that they are.
So that is going to be my struggle this morning