rowan
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Post by rowan on Mar 12, 2008 16:14:55 GMT -8
I phoned.
My logic was that I needed to know the reality. I was still living with the fantasy that after he had had time on his own, he would end the relationship with his wife and we would be able to work on our recoveries together, working towards a healthy intimate relationship over time. I totally believed he was an honourable person trying to do his best, and that he was an addict who wasn't yet in recovery for his love addiction (and who would be happy to learn all that I am now learning - typical love addict thinking!). As a trained counsellor, practising codependency therapist and deeply spiritual person (and with 7 years recovery in another fellowship), I thought he had the capability for being a wonderful partner to me.
The reality is that he wasn't on his own at all (he had told me that he needed time alone to process his feelings in his own way and that if anything changed I would know). He answered the phone and spoke to me in front of his wife, telling me she was there (presumably to let her know it was completely over between us). I said that I thought he was having time alone and he said he needed to see if it would work out with D. I said that he could have told me, and then said I hoped they'd be happy, said goodbye and hung up.
I feel used and thrown away.
I know I have played my part, and that the warning signs were there that I chose to ignore. But I would have defended him till my dying breath, that he was a decent, kind human being and that he was always honest with me.
Maybe some of you are thinking - what did I expect? I guess that is the deluded thinking of this disease. I honestly expected to be treated with respect, even if it was not what I wanted to hear. I expected to be told without an audience. He must know how humiliating that was for me.
How can I face you all? Only by telling the truth. I didn't need to remind myself how painful it would be to hear that he doesn't want me. But there is no denying it to myself now. The only consolation is that at least I can begin grieving properly, knowing that there could never be a way back from here.
This is my pattern, and brings up all the old wounds of being on the outside looking in.
It hurts like hell.
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Post by rosemay on Mar 12, 2008 17:40:41 GMT -8
Rowan, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is helpful to have a definitive moment, painful as they are. A turning point, which I think just happened to you. When all the hopes and delusions are shattered and the grieving process can finally begin. That moment is like death, the point of no return and it hurts like hell.
I think that it was necessary for you to make that phone call and not a failure by any means. You needed the information that you got to finally be able to break free.
I remember the defining moment in my last "relationship" quite vividly. There were a coule of other moments that should have been "it", but in my fantasy and delusion I ignored them and created all kinds of false hopes until the final moment when all hopes died.
In one sense that moment was a HUGE relief, because I finally knew where he stood and that I didn't have a chance and I could finally begin moving on and attempting to heal. But juxtaposed with the relief was the intense and unbearable pain and suffering that still lingers to this day.
I do not envy you the suffering you must be experiencing right now. I pray you are able to get the support you need and find ways to discharge the pain and let yourself have a good cry. Thank god for this board, a place where people can really empathize and understand how serious this addiction is.
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Post by amiramaile on Mar 12, 2008 17:44:18 GMT -8
Rowan you are human and you do things that you later regret. There is no point in beating yourself up over this. You called him and it is now behind you. You only have to move forward. Trust me, we have all moved backward at some point. I did worse than you, I went and saw him, while trying to get over him. All it did was made me realize again that there is nothing there and he has already moved on.
So for my own sake I need to move on to. Of course it hurts like hell. But at least we know what the other person is like. The reality is that he does not want me, and I cannot make him want me. So I can try to move forward with my life and do the best I can, knowing that I deserve someone who can love me back.
You did great with the month of non contact. That should tell you that you are a strong person and able to go thru this break up with dignity and courage. As Butterflygirl said, success is getting up one more time after we fall.
So get, up and ,start again. This time don't call for it will not bring you any relief. Just let him go.
One day the pain will subside. When it does for me, I'll let you know too.
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Post by kaccleve on Mar 12, 2008 17:57:30 GMT -8
I totally believed he was an honourable person trying to do his best, and that he was an addict who wasn't yet in recovery for his love addiction (and who would be happy to learn all that I am now learning - typical love addict thinking!). I can totally relate to this line. After seeing him last night, I started wondering if my belief that he is this sick person, is giving me some small sense of hope that he will get better, see how foolish he was for leaving me and want me back. Is this a twisted thinking disease or what? Rosemay is right... a step backward can still mean we are moving forward. Be gentle with yourself. Remember... we don't judge our fellow members. As it says in the big book... love and tolerance is our code. We are all sick people just trying to get healthier... together! Thanks for sharing your experience. Peace be with you tonight!  |
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rowan
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Post by rowan on Mar 12, 2008 18:28:47 GMT -8
It is 2.20am here.
I have been to bed but as soon as I lay down the uncontrollable sobbing started. When I am up I can connect to you all and don't feel so alone.
Thank you so much for your words of support. They are helping to keep me going. Where would I be without this site?
Rxx
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Post by beehappy on Mar 12, 2008 20:30:59 GMT -8
Hi Rowan,
I know it hurts. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you are strong and move through this transition in a kind and gentle manner.
Bee
PS. I think you still get credit for more than a month of no contact for this step. You have the answers. You can be reborn.
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Post by rosemay on Mar 13, 2008 3:10:04 GMT -8
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rowan
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Post by rowan on Mar 13, 2008 5:07:12 GMT -8
I have read this before but I read it again. It is a beautiful passage and very soothing. Also, all the comments on it are very helpful. Thanks for providing the link Rosemay, and for your insights. I think it was necessary for me to make that call, and that my Higher Power was taking care of me by letting me hear the truth. In a way, the timing was perfect. I was in a dream world. But as you say, although truth is healing, the pain that comes with it is immense. I mustn't be afraid of my crying. In a way, I ran away from it last night. But, interestingly enough, before I rang and knew all this, I had been weeping all morning at my ME group. I just couldn't contain it. The pain was already there. It reminds me of one of the affirmations we used to end our Coda meetings with - 'The pain that I might feel by remembering can't be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and not remembering.'
Thanks too Bee, for your thoughts and prayers.
I feel so fortunate to have met you all via this site!
Rowan xx
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Post by brooklynberry on Oct 24, 2008 12:03:36 GMT -8
I really understand humiliation too. More than anything else I am so ASHAMED of where my disease has taken me and how i have acted. I get into these modes where I don't know what is coming over me, etc.
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Post by Judy on Oct 25, 2008 4:08:43 GMT -8
Yes, the humiliation and shame is a killer. And, I think, prompts us into continuing the addictive behavior. I feel so bad about myself I might as well just keep on acting out. I don't deserve any better.
Now when I have those memories of my addictive behavior - that actually make me blush at the thought! - I just say "STOP". I am not going to harbor them anymore. I did what I did. I was sick with this disease. The only thing I can do about it now is not repeat the behavior.
If I don't repeat the behavior I will feel good about myself. The better I feel about myself cancels out the shame and humiliation. Ergo - I don't WANT to act out to make me feel ashamed and humiliated anymore.
One of the debilitating symptoms of this love addiction, for me, has been the inability my whole life of accepting making a mistake and moving on. That would take a degree of self esteem that I just never had. Healthy people make mistakes, acknowledge them, and move on. Whenever I have made a mistake I blame myself, blame others, create a drama, do anything to prevent my having to acknowledge the mistake.
Healthy people don't equate making a mistake with who they are. Making a mistake for me just enforced how bad I was. So I had to deny it as much as possible.
It's such a cycle. Today it is much easier to acknowledge the mistake, rectify it if possible, learn from it and move on.
No shame or humiliation. That's not healthy.
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