Feelings of Disgust

Oktbme,
Oh, Thiis is how I felt too for so many years before latching on to POA.. I don't know how either... Will be glad to hear the responses of everyone. I just want something else to consume me....

I feel that I am doing all I can to combat the emptiness and restlessness....trying to connect to HP, reading, praying, reading here....trying to focus more on family.. But, still the emptiness, boredom with life remains.. I wish I could find something I'm truly passionate about and let it consume me........but not another POA or other harmful substance!

I think a common theme among many of the stories here is that once the chaos and pain of being with a toxic POA has become unbearable and a LA is finally able to end that relationship and implement NC, they begin to look at their life and see it as very unfulfilling and unsatisfactory.

It may have been that the addiction was helping them escape an unattractive reality, it may been that the addiction was helping them escape a painful reality.

For me, my POA helped me not feel the pain of my divorce. Before I met her I felt inadequate unworthy and alone. My relationship with her gave me hope for a future I fantasized about.

Now that she cut off contact I am forced to deal with my reality.

One of the things that I have seen many times from the stories on this board is that once a married person finally implements NC, they are forced to look at their marriage. Many times those relationships have problems, lack intimacy and are unsatisfying and unfulfilling. Many of those marriages had problems before we ever choose to get involved with a POA. And as we begin to understand the root of our addiction and codependence, and we realize how far back in our lives it stretches... most of us inevitably come to the conclusion that when we chose our spouse, we where not healthy. Our decision to marry that person came from a wounded and needy framework and while it may have been the best decision we were capable of at the time, and it may have met a need for us at the time... ultimately it was not a beneficial long term decision.

Many times two people's unhealthy aspects seem to fit with each other... an example would be someone who is traumatized and requires someone who is "safe" might choose someone who is sexually anorexic, another example might be the typical codependent person might choose a workaholic. As long as both people remain unhealthy they may stay together. With recovery comes awareness. We become more aware of ourselves. We are able to get in touch with our real emotions and begin to understand our real needs. We also become more aware of others.

A person who is recovering may look at a situation in a whole new light. They may suddenly be able to understand a situation that they weren't able to fully see or recognize before. And just as a recovering person is eventually able to say of their POA "this is toxic, this is bad for me, this is unacceptable", they can say of their marriage "this is not what it should be, this is intolerable."