Sometimes the longing for the POA is a simple addict reaction - we are feeling emotions we don't want to feel so we run to thoughts of the POA the same way an alcoholic runs to the bottle. Sometimes it's loneliness and not having fulfilling relationships in our lives and the POA fantasy relationship is the closest we've come to feeling loved and cared for - even if it is a false production on their part, it's just the closest thing we've experienced so we think about our POA when lonely. Or maybe we feel hopeless about our current situation and then again - turn to thoughts of the POA because romance seems like such an impossibility in our marriage. There is also the theory that because of our childhood wounding we have an unhealthy need to replay our abandonment and our POA helps us reenact that. So when we internally feel we need to replay the abandonment experience we have thoughts of our POA. The converse is true, when we feel the need to invalidate those childhood messages our thoughts may turn to our POA because they seem to us to be the perfect instrument to do that.
Post by sillypoppet on Jan 14, 2010 19:15:14 GMT -8
This is absolutely true...
Growing up, I never learned how to manage my emotions- there was always someone there to do it for me. When I went away to school, I quickly discovered how easy it was to attract men and manipulate them into caring for me. When one relationship ended, instead of learning to cope with the pain, I would find myself in a new relationship. The only problem was every time I kissed my so called prince, he would turn into a frog. Then I would start at square one again, attracting another man to fill the void.
It wasn't until I hit the bottom that I started to face my fears. For me, there was literally no where else to go- I could either get help or continue to self destruct. Even now, I sometimes still have the urge to act out an unhealthy need... but this time around I have the tools to fight the addiction.
Yes I'm definitely missing that addictive rush that came with all the texting with W...the meeting places...the intense hit of sex with her...the Fantasy that she cared for me that was smashed while she texted another guy she was meeting last week while at my house...she was happy being just friends/sex buddies and this was more and more painful...I'm glad we had a clean non-blaming phone conversation as our last contact. Now NO CONTACT for 1-2 years. I guess these painful crumbs of a relationship to my Love Addict was better than nothing and it was the first physical relationship for me in 12 years. But I know in my heart, no matter how lonely I feel now, that SLAA Recovery, meetings and fellowship are helping me to Love myself and treat myself in a healthy manner. I felt no urgent need to Contact W during Day One of NC as I stayed busy participating in my Life: Exercxise, weeding my front yard, vacuuming, doing laundry and I made a call to my Sponsor. I'm going to two 12 Step meetings tomorrow.