|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 23, 2012 4:08:57 GMT -8
A letter to my love addiction. Please write your own here too.
Dear Love Addiction,
It feels odd to be talking to you so directly. I feel like you have been living inside my skin for such a long time, so close and yet I never knew you were there. You know me so well, being by my side as I grew up, there with me when I was so lonely as a girl. You gave me promises of happiness ever after and kind, handsome men who would love me forever and make me feel wonderful. I would be special and life would be like a puzzle that was finally worked out and fixed.
Only you don't have that kind of power, Love Addiction. You don't want me to know that, it's embarrassing for you to admit that you are running blind, not at all the self-assured woman you pretend to be. You are just a thought now, a ghost of the past, the momentum of broken dreams from a shattered childhood. You spun a good story and I believed you for so many years. Despite all the failures, you lured me back in time and time again to sleep in your cosy seduction.
That's OK. It's time to let go, it's safe to now. I can take over, you can sit in the back seat and rest, just enjoy the ride. Enjoy the clouds in the sky and the birds and the frogs, and the wind in your hair. Enjoy being dreamy and young and pretty. I'll look after you now.
xxxJG
|
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Sept 23, 2012 5:11:48 GMT -8
Jaca, I could not of said it better myself..
It is a blessing to be aware, and to feel the emptiness of all the broken promises, and to also be able to feel the pull of the seduction of this Love Addiction.
And to also be able to walk away from the storm, without giving to much of me away in the process.
I love me, me, me, me. :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 25, 2012 13:49:41 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
Last night I had a little breakthrough. As a I struggled with your pulling my thoughts obsessively back to this man and what happened between us, the forensic breakdown as I call it, I felt the familiar rising level of panic that there was nothing I could do to change the habit of thinking this way. That any relief I find through doing the work is only temporary, and I need so much more than that.
I felt your huge dose of neediness inside me. Images of my parents were in my mind and how unavailable they were and are, and of my brother, also unavailable. My unavailable PoA and his drug use that I accepted, hated and enabled for years. My fear of change, that at my lowest times becomes a fear of just about everything, a fear of living.
And for some reason this night, perhaps because of the fact I am also ill at the moment and my defences are low, perhaps because of the work I have done up till now in recovery, for some reason I found a new place inside myself that I don't think I have ever consciously entered. It is like I invited myself into me, to really step into me. I heard my own voice in my mind, from the past, writing myself off, with insights about myself but still not able to really back myself, gossiping about myself then running away. Telling T that he need not contact me while he was away. I heard this and I said to myself "Welcome. Come in." And I stepped into me.
I stepped in and stepped in and stepped in. I heard the welcome again and again. It feels like a new body, a safe place to be with me.
This surely is my higher power at work and it helped me to get through a hard night. Perhaps there will be many more hard nights ahead, but now I know there is somewhere for me I can be that is safe, where I am loved for just being me.
And so, Love Addiction, I should say thank-you to you for bringing me here. There was no-one in my family to show me how to be with me when I was young, and they cling now to work, alcohol and religion to get them through their days. And so I have you to show me the way home. You show me how not to live, your path is one of suffering until the end of my days, looking for love. I see now how you work to keep me away from me. What are you afraid of? That I am unlovable? It's not true.
Byron Katie talks about the peace of falling in love with the self, and how wonderful it is to leave the pain of trying to get it from the outside and falling in. Maybe it was listening to her last night that helped me so much.
So thanks to all my teachers who show up when I need them.
xxJG
|
|
Harmony
Junior Member
"Its never too late to become the person you were meant to be"
Posts: 62
|
Post by Harmony on Sept 26, 2012 9:17:08 GMT -8
Dear JG...what a beautiful post! I am happy for you that you found this place, and that it is right inside of you. It is such a hopeful message, thank you for sharing it here. Hugs
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 26, 2012 9:44:25 GMT -8
Thanks Harmony! Susan made the suggestion to write a letter to our Love Addiction to see what it's like to see it as a separate entity to ourselves. It's helpful. I'm starting to identify toxic shame inside me in the same way and talk to it. Please feel free to write a letter/s of your own here too.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 27, 2012 3:34:57 GMT -8
Ok, I am going to write another.
Dear Love Addiction,
So now (I think) I am going to get another chance to experience being with a man and not letting you take the reins and create havoc for me. T emailed me and it looks like he is still wanting to give it a go with me, although as I write this I still don't really know for sure. I still do not want to ask him outright, as it feels like it will risk damaging what is already a fragile thing between us. So I'm going to use this as an experiment in just having to let go of knowing what someone else is thinking and focusing on my recovery and what the h*ll I'm thinking. More useful.
I wonder if you are already planning something inside my brain, some tactic to get me into a recklessly addictive state again. Well, I am on the watch for you, so I dare you to try to pull me into love sickness. I dare you! I don't want it anymore, I can see how dangerous it is very clearly now. I would rather be mature and sensible, without the bells and whistles but with my sanity.
I am excited to see what will happen. I am making some wise choices under difficult circumstances and I like it. There is a lot of change happening around me and I'm not freaking out. I am actually trusting my higher power so much more now. So Love Addiction, what are you going to do with yourself? Not much for you to do here I don't think. You will get very bored with me now. I hope!
xx
|
|
|
|
Post by brainhealth on Sept 28, 2012 22:11:38 GMT -8
Jac,
Very interesting psychology here. Thank you for opening this door of insight to me. I will definately implement this immediately. As LJ has said in another post, the other person (POA)is not the one to blame - this addiction issues resides fully within ourselves.
Brainhealth
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 29, 2012 2:54:01 GMT -8
Great Brainhealth, why don't you write yours here too?
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Sept 29, 2012 4:10:15 GMT -8
Great idea Jac!
Dear Love Addiction,
You are now an old friend I revere. I am no longer angry or hate you or mortified of my past, because I see in you a teacher. I didn't want to learn, but you showed me the way. I didn't want to grow up, but you taught me the shame in remaining stunted. I didn't want to accept the ugly side of myself, but then you taught me to forgive myself. These are the lessons I learned from what, at the time, felt like a horrible education.
Many times I asked, "why would you make me suffer like this?" But now I see you had plans for turning me into a whole, beautiful person, who has many gifts to offer the world. I came to you with nothing. And I left full. And for that, I am grateful. Without you, I would not be the woman I am today.
-Tracy
|
|
|
|
Post by Light on Sept 29, 2012 12:29:58 GMT -8
Dear Love addiction,
you surprised in me in the middle of my life path.
You had the shape of a misterious man who made me understand all the songs of timi yuro for the first time in my life.
How many tears, what a terrible hearthache, the sensation to be crazy and those obsessions, I entered hell for a while.
No, that wasn't "the greatest love of all", that was a serious disease, that was you and no doctor knew your name in my town.
I reached the point of no return, I touched death and , yes, that was the time to resurrect.
Step, by step, I overcame the pain and from that black lake of sorrow, the new, the real me started to appear.
I'm still fighting, dear love addiction, but now God is beside be,
the best thing you did for me, dear LA was bringing me in the arms of my Creator.
Love,
Light
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 30, 2012 13:57:28 GMT -8
@ LJ, It was Susan's idea to write a letter. Good one, hey!
Beautiful letters.
This feels like a real key for me, reading these, to remember my tendency to want to reject the parts of me that are dysfunctional, and to know that my Love Addiction needs my care and concern, not to be thrown out in the cold and punished. Inside my head lives this young girl wrapped up in fantasies because reality was too frightening and lonely to stand. I want to hold her now.
Thanks Susan for the suggestion to write. Keep them coming people! They are great to read.
|
|
|
|
Post by romeorossi on Oct 17, 2012 11:23:28 GMT -8
You've taken my wife, some of my closets friends, and a year of my life. I want you to leave me alone before you take more from me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Oct 17, 2012 11:42:01 GMT -8
What do YOU need to do to keep this person out of your life? What do you need to do to start healing? Focus on what is healthy for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 26, 2012 23:44:17 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
Thanks for the lessons you've given me, now I can let go of the potential I saw with this new guy with a clear and sane mind. And my heart feels soft and open.
I got clear that I needed to talk to him about where he is at with me and found out that he is still missing his ex intensely, even though she treated him very badly at times. Ring any bells?
So I knew to get out of the way of the impending doom of chasing after him...oh, I'm so glad I knew it felt awful to chase him. To chase anyone.
Our conversation was graceful, honest and kind-hearted. I can let go with affection in my heart for him, but most of all this feeling that's almost like elation in my heart that I know how to love myself now. I'm so glad this didn't come a few days ago when I was feeling so insecure. Life has wonderful timing. Isn't it funny that letting go of the potential relationship can feel so weirdly good, so much more so than being in it, at the bad moments at any rate!
I learned so much and had a great time with him and passed through some love addiction behaviour and came out the other side with my dignity. The neediness I felt I looked at closely when it came up and I've found out it doesn't survive under close inspection. I was ready to move on when I had the thought he wasn't that into me. And he wasn't, he is more with his last partner in his mind and heart.
I expect I will go through some pretty low moments in the next while but for now I am grateful to life for the experience I've had. And I'm clearer about what I want now. And little things that he said and did make more sense now and it's great to get the confirmation that I wasn't misreading him, he was hinting away and perhaps trying to talk himself into being with me too. He told me he doesn't get why he would be so unwilling to let go of his old, unhealthy relationship, full of dysfunction.
I do!
xxJG
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Oct 27, 2012 3:12:38 GMT -8
Very courageous of you, Jgirl.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 27, 2012 4:24:50 GMT -8
Tonight I wouldn't change anything about me. Love how life supports the truth and this courage. Thanks LJ xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 29, 2012 3:50:59 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
I wish you would go away.
I want to blame you for my inability to focus more on the things I need to do. I am spending time here at the computer mostly just listening to a song my daughter wrote and recorded, because it's beautiful, and it touches me. I am struggling to accept my thinking tonight. I am finding it hard to care more about meeting deadlines with work and projects. I am doing OK though. I almost always make it sound worse than it is, I make my efforts sound worse than they are.
I want to be better yesterday, again.
|
|
|
|
Post by Loveanimals on Oct 29, 2012 13:57:58 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing this Jacarandagirl, very touching.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 1, 2012 3:56:52 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
I am feeling awesome tonight. I am getting work that I love doing flowing in like a tidal wave of positive reward for ditching the sub-standard relationship that I was trying to make fit into my world view. So glad I worked it out and nipped it off. I don't even feel much resentment or rejection, just a few moments of feeling sorry for myself that melted away in a few short hours. I love recovery. I love being this person I am, being a recovering love addict. If I wasn't like this I could be someone who didn't feel anything. I know this is right for me, for my path.
Enjoying feeling love, healthy love. For me and you and the world.
|
|
|
|
Post by looking4direction on Nov 15, 2012 22:48:45 GMT -8
Dear love addiction:
(sarcastically)
thank you for confusing me for 40 odd years.
for robbing me of real love; maybe even a "normal" life!
Thank you for taking away reality and rendering me unable to function properly or think clearly.
Thank you for making a monkey and a fool out of me all my life so that I could not get along with others or have effective relationships---love AND friendships! Thanks a lot!
I have not completely left you, but someday I will! I will get out from under your slimy, disgusting grip on me---FOREVER!
I will leave you with the same thing I told someone (a person who took away something that I thought I really needed at the time) recently in an email: "The best thing you have ever done for me was break me. For the first time now I have been forced to work on myself".
this is what you have done *for* me, love addiction. You broke me so badly that I was forced to assess the pieces and pick up what I can still use and discard the rest!
Thanks,
I will take what's mine now, myself. And leave behind that false imago of myself and of my poa's.
I will be FREE.
Carol
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 16, 2012 14:06:09 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction:
I am grateful for the wonderful career you brought me, but that's about it. Stay away from my family.
There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler.” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)
|
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 17, 2012 12:08:34 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,thank you for letting me know I am a survivor, and not a victim.
And letting me know that even with my slips, I am still on my road to recovery.
And to know that I am still a whole person, even though some days I do not feel whole.
And that I do not have to stay in this place, to feel loved, and it is ok to let go, my job is done now.
Good bye Love Addiction, you have taught me so much... :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by hardlyquinn on Nov 20, 2012 10:36:59 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction
You've been with me all my life, but I've only just learned your name and found out how you have influenced my path through life. In some ways it's a relief to know your name and shape at last, but still, I'm not sure quite how to deal with you. Can I get rid of you completely? That would be my preferred choice. I want to be a proper grown up, I feel like I've been trapped in a cage of perpetual childhood. Let me out and leave me alone. If you can't leave me alone, at least sit quietly in the corner and quit bothering me.
Thx
HQ
|
|
|
|
Post by Loveanimals on Nov 20, 2012 21:29:59 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
You have been with me for years, with the promise of love through dieting and overexercise. You've harmed me, made me lose countless hours, made me lose my sanity. I finally hit rock bottom and want to get rid of you from my life for good. You gave me the promise to help me through tough times, yet in the end all you did was hurt me worse.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 24, 2012 20:58:01 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
I have to celebrate this moment! I notice you are losing your grip on me. I have been working very hard, partly because I took a week off and had a great time, and partly because I am bad at time management and saying no, and a bit of a work-addict. Anyway, working hard on projects before I go away again, and not feeling like a victim, not feeling guilty, not feeling stressed, just working. Feeling happy. And then I get up and feel a lot like I want sugar. I think about sorbet icecream and then I think of licorice tea. I go straight to the kettle, I know that I want the tea! I fill the jug and look out the window at the trees and I am hit by the wonder of this moment- I am looking after me, I am giving myself what I truly want- a drink, but a yummy, healthy drink. I'm starting to get how to look after me and love me!
I have done the work (self-enquiry) on "I want a man", several times over the last two or so days. I want a man, is it true?
And amazingly, it is not as true as it used to be. Sometimes it's not true at all. I am too busy for a man, I'm glad I don't have one right now! Gasp- is that me saying that? What if the gods hear me and I never have a man again...the superstitions lurk in the corners and I am a bit afraid but not so afraid as to not say it. I don't want a man!
And I know I aspire to having a great relationship with one, one day.
So Love Addiction, you are losing one of your devotees. In your place self love is growing in me. It feels so good. Thanks for showing me the difference.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 4, 2013 0:10:36 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction,
I am well and truly in a new phase of being aware of your tendencies, of this addict inside me, or however it really is. Me in the addict, the addict in me, it doesn't matter. I find that a routine of looking after me has become easy to stick to. Sometimes I go away for a while and stop my routine but it always comes back. This morning was such a morning and I really couldn't wait to get to my exercises. It helps that the weather was good and I can go to the beach to do them. This is not how I used to be.
I have had to stop reading here as much. Part of that feels very like a natural progression and also I was getting triggered every time I started to read and that didn't feel right. My mind was pretty free of thoughts about my PoA or men in general, and I would actually start to think about them as a result of reading here. So I decided to take a break. And life is just busy and full.
I have a new goal that I will just finish a project I've been working on for a long time. I have been procrastinating. I think it is about self- sabotage. I want to value this project and my career goals more, and to do that I just need to finish it. I will have it done by November.
I have totally given up online dating for more than, I don't know, 4 or 5 months? It feels great. When I think about finding a relationship nowadays it seems that there is all the time in the world. I won't settle for anything below par just to have a man in my life. I am not afraid of being alone. I like myself and I trust life to give me what I need.
I still go to CoDA lots. I will continue to sit and share with others in the process of recovery. It is healing. I am working the 12 steps. I am still on Step 4- Make a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. Some of the other women at CoDA like to go out to dinner after the group and it's fun to have a regular night out if I want it.
I took my sponsor to a women's Buddhist meditation group that I go to. She loves it. It's lovely to be able to give something back to her that is valuable to her. I really appreciate her time she spends with me as I work the steps, even though it is taking months and months. I have found a sponsor who doesn't hurry me or care how long I take. It's new to give myself permission to take my time.
I am starting to forgive my parents. I did the work (self-enquiry, the work of Byron Katie) on my mother yesterday and found a new level of understanding in myself about what her life was really like in the period when she was abusive towards me. How unhappy and trapped she must have felt. How incapable of behaving any differently she must have been. I can let go of the desire to have parents who love me in the way I think they should. I can love them as they are. A little bit for now, and who knows how much in the future?
So where's the downside of love addiction? In fact this behaviour has led me to love myself. The pain it brought me taught me to change. Like putting my hand in a fire I couldn't see for years and then opening my eyes. I stay away for the most part when I see the smoke now.
One sign of another addiction creeping into my days- a year or two ago I began to smoke one ciggie with a glass of wine. Only once or twice a month at first, but this was growing, and next thing I realised I was poised on wanting to buy some myself. I have underestimated the addictive quality of nicotine. Luckily singing has come into my life and smoking really affects my throat. I'm not going to cut them out yet, I like to have one a month. But I have to find a way to keep it like that, or else that one will have to go. Has anyone ever tried electronic cigarettes?
Thanks for reading and for keeping the board going. It has been a vital help to me to get my life back.
|
|
vixen87
Full Member
Making a big life change is pretty scary. But, know what's even scarier? Regret
Posts: 109
|
Post by vixen87 on Jun 19, 2013 13:02:07 GMT -8
Dear Love Addiction, You've controlled me as long as I can remember, even now that I'm aware you exist we still battle daily! You will deny it because that's what you do best, bury ur head in the sand so long as your getting your fix....doesn't matter to you that I lose my self respect, my dignity, my value's, my heart in the process.....Not anymore I'm taking control now and we simply cannot go on like this, chasing the same men in hope that this time it will work and by some miracle we will have cured the hurt caused by all the men who wouldn't change for us! Leave the men and their problems alone....and find someone who deserves u not someone u think NEEDS you! Your theory is all wrong, your immature, needy, scared, empty and lonely.....but I want you to know we're going to be ok......you don't need ANYONE else to love you in order to love yourself! I can't promise u this will be easy but I promise it will be worth it......love addiction take a big step back as I won't let you win not this time......I will prove to u that we can be more than happy on our own without any man....wait and see  "Never allow your emotions to outweigh your intelligence" |
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Jun 19, 2013 17:05:26 GMT -8
Jaca, thanks for sharing your progress. .I agree with what your saying about getting triggered by reading on the forum. I am where you are as well..it feels now like just a bad nightmare, and it feels like it happened to someone else.
So yes recovery is possible..butvwe just have too love ourselves first no matter what..and never give up...we have to keep fighting thru all the pain..set goals..and stay on track..recovery will happen..it is not easy, but it is worth it.
This journey has taken me 3 years...so you have to be dedicated, and you have too want it.
One day at a time.
Keep coming back.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 20, 2013 6:34:01 GMT -8
Hi Loving My Life. It's so valuable sharing in this kind of way. The very day after I wrote that everything changed and my cosy little recovery world got rocked by attention from a man. And into the fantasy world I go, only not so bad as before now since I know what to do. I just watched it all kick in, did nothing and then it passed. But the thing that was a bit shocking was that I realised I was again in this pattern of thinking I am "over" the worst of love addiction. Which could be true, but I found I was actually more in denial about it than over it. What happened was that I noticed I was upset about a client of mine, and about my father. Both anger issues, and I spent some time just sitting with the feelings and letting the anger come up and out. As I lay on my bed feeling this, and feeling a lot, I became aware of a feeling that I wanted to cling to this man who has been paying me attention. Cling to him so that I could find myself, find the meaning in my life.
Fascinating, and quite alarming. Since I had really thought I was going to be able to keep enjoying being just me and with myself, regardless of whether I was getting attention from a man or not.
It's humbling and sobering again on a new level. I am trying to be honest with him about how I feel in the moment, like I told him I was not as sure about things with him as I had felt at first. It may not sound like much but it was quite big for me. Risking him just saying "Oh right, well I'm out of here then."
I like your letter Vixen.
|
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Jul 3, 2013 2:36:44 GMT -8
Love Addiction,
I am vigilant against you! I already suffered immensely from you and nearly lost my life. You brought me so much pain and shame I've ever known.
I am aware of your subtle scheme. That if I am not careful you can pull me down and waste all my hard work in recovery just like that. That is why at your slightest appearance, I am alerted and taking action to stay clear of you.
So when I met someone recently that has the qualities of one of my POA, I readily changed my direction. Although I felt strong attraction, I was aware that it's not love but just you in the form of fantasy.
I am keeping myself on reality check and I already informed my former sponsor about this. I asked for her support and to keep me accountable.
Thanks for this thread.
Codepnomore
|
|
