ferre
New Member
Posts: 40
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Post by ferre on Sept 28, 2012 22:22:45 GMT -8
Hello all,
I am reading a book about emotional incest.
For the first time in my life i realize that I am not alone with my problems.
I am having problems with intimacy and relationship for as long as i can remember.
Always thinking there was something wrong about me.
Always in denial not knowing there was a problem. I just didn't know any better.
Now i know where my problems originate.
My mother has been sick her whole live.
My older sister told me she had to give me milk all the time when i was a baby and that she disliked it.
My mother used us the release her emotional stress.
She always talked about men that they were filthy and only wanted 1 thing.
Now i understand she often played with me emotional energy. When I was older i would talk to her about her problems. Advise her, try to help her. Discus things. I gave my best untill she was bored i guess. Then she withdrew and I was left drained of my energy.
For many years she talked really bad about my father. Every day again and again. But to him she never talked.
As a small child I was soaked with anxiety about her health, that she would die.
She is still sick but I keep serious boundaries with her now and she knows.
Nonetheless i now have to clean my childhood mess that she caused.
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Post by wahinewha on Sept 29, 2012 5:46:18 GMT -8
Yeah, it's not nice when we have had a rough run of it as a young child. I have serious attachment issues from being abandoned by my parents at a very early age only to be collect at a later time by a seriously medicated Mum and an avoidant Father, developing and extremely lonely child and teenager desperate for any form of attention and affection.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 29, 2012 7:03:58 GMT -8
ferre, I just finished reading "homecoming" Reclaiming & Healing your Inner Child.
And when we are children and we take on the roles of the absent parent, is it covert incest (emotional), we become the surrogate parent, caretaker, etc.
It has made me aware of some of my mothering issues with men, and why I would get too attached to men, and put up with alot of stuff because i did not want to deal with being abandoned.
But what I know now, our parents killed our wonder child,, we could not just be who we were, because our parents were not healthy themselves.
But keep reading, yes it is painful, but also you dont have to carry that burden any longer, you can live your life like you want to live your life....we just have to reparent our inner child now..
Thanks for sharing with us.
Keep reading and healing your pain.
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magickwomun
Full Member
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Sept 29, 2012 10:58:39 GMT -8
This is where I'm at as well, exploring my childhood. I finished Bradshaw's book "Healing the Shame that Binds you" last week. It opened a lot of doors in my mind. I have a copy of "Homecoming" I intend to start reading soon. I'm also currently reading the following:
Shame on you - help for adults from alcoholic and other shame based families (Sara Hines Martin)
Healing your Aloneness - finding love and wholesness through your inner child (Erika Chopich/Margaret Paul)
Door of Hope - Recognizing and resolving the pains of your past (Jan Frank)
More doors are being opened. Ouch. Reading these books has made me look at my own daughter and helped me see problems with my own parenting. So, I bought a book specifically for adult children that addresses the issue of passing the generational shame torch to their own children. Hopefully I can break the cycle.
Before I posted on the "Incest and Abuse" thread here on the board, I didn't realize what a huge role my upbringing plays in my addiction. Because the severe forms of abuse in our home only occurred once in a while, I minimized it. Because my Dad only covertly sexually molested us, i minimized it. The more I read however, the more I see the patterns from childhood playing out in my adulthood.
I recently tried to discuss these things with my mother. A brutal argument ensued and we haven't spoken since. She's impossible to talk to. I love my Mom so much and all these years I thought it was all just my Dad. It wasn't. Reading the chapter "establishing responsibilty - co-contributers" in "Door of Hope" has really helped me see that my Mom is no angel. So many other things are being revealed in this quest...taking the blinders off is really painful.
In "Door of Hope" Jan Frank emphasizes the need to establish responsibility rather than assigning blame. I think this is important to us because the truth is, our parents are sick just as we are and more than likely our Grandparents contributed to them being sick. In "Shame on You" Sara Martin explains that abuse is handed down from 1 generation to the next. Partly because abuse is often minimized or denied, it's impossible to know how or when or with whom it started, but it's there.
I can already see how in some ways i've shamed my own daughter without realizing it, without meaning to, but it is all I know, all i was ever taught. This helps me keep a compassionate perspective with my parents. What's important is healing and breaking the cycle.
You are not alone Ferre. Best wishes.
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ferre
New Member
Posts: 40
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Post by ferre on Oct 2, 2012 6:59:28 GMT -8
thanks for your replies
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