Post by maxheadcase on Oct 8, 2012 20:59:19 GMT -8
Stopped counting the days of NC, all I know is that its been over 4 months now. Feeling a little sad tonight....feeling sympathy and empathy.
Learned through the grapevine that poa and her 15 year old daughter came to blows last night, poa called the police, not sure what has happened, but from the sounds of it poa is kicking her daughter out...to live either with her Dad 5 hours South or??
I feel so sad inside for both of them. I feel sympathy, empathy and sadness for her 15 year old daughter, feel some sympathy for poa but I know much of this is caused because of her alcoholism. It just angers me so much that a person cannot see what shes become.
Wish I could reach out to both of them, talk to them but I can't be apart of that anymore....as much as it hurts to know that two people I care very much for are going through so much turmoil....my heart kind of hurts tonight, but I had a feeling this was going to happen with the two of them, just as it did with poa and her then 16 year old son many years before. From a distance this stuff can still hurt....wish I wouldn't have been told this news....
I feel your sympathy, empathy and sadness for her 15 year old daughter as well. If only I could do something about it. Sad. But I am positive that her daughter will become strong and independent when she grows up. I had a tough teen life too, but I am grateful for the lessons that made me who I am today.
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore
Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 10, 2012 2:47:17 GMT -8
Stamp out the source of your grapevine news!
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Post by maxheadcase on Oct 17, 2012 19:07:57 GMT -8
Jacarandagirl, you are 100% correct, but I bumped into poa's best friend at the gas station and we started talking....but again you are 100% correct. It bummed me out for a while but I'm fine.
I cannot change what I have no control over and cannot spend time worrying about someone who doesn't care or worry about me anymore. All I can do is pray the best for the both of them and continue moving forward.
This was just a little speed bump in my recovery but I continue sticking to my guns of n/c. Life is just so much more calmer and sane without a poa in my life!!!!!
I cycle these days between anger and rage at my Narcissist POA, sadness and grief over what she did to me, numbness and confusion as I go over the relationship backwards (starting with the discard phase, when I became fully aware how little she felt; recalling all the devaluing incidents, the lack of empathy, the "abandoned and malignant heart" I kept trying to engage and make excuses for; and all the way back to the "overvaluation stage" when I got hooked and hooked good by a skilled con artist with the moral sensibility of a lizard).
But mixed in occasionally there is some empathy, hard as that may be to believe. I can't help it, it is in my loving nature. I will not act on it (that instinct nearly killed me with her!), I will maintain strict NC (despite revenge fantasies where I play off her her narcissistic traits, let her say hi as she explores whether I am ready to be "supply" for her again, lure her in with praise etc., then discard her -- BOOM! -- out of the blue; something that is sure to cause any narcissist intense pain).
But mixed in with these feelings is empathy. I pulled up a poem she wrote during the early overvaluation stage; and while it is (I see now) mostly a clever mimic of what a real person would feel as they fell in love, there was an undertone of pain and sadness that was unmistakable. Though she is incapable of real feelings, some tiny spark of humanity spoke through her subconscious and disclosed intense pain and suffering. I attributed the dark tone at the time to the other "failed relationships" she always talked about (a great sob story, sure to hook in a codep like yours truly -- leading me to say to her "that won't happen this time! I am different! I will care so much it will knock your socks off!" Oh yeah . . .). But now I see it as a very sad, poignant expression of the deep and lifelong pain that comes from using people all the time, every time.
Two lines in this poem really stood out. One was the image of blossoms on a tree, and the blossom expresses her deepest fear. It is not strong wind or hot sun, but falling on the ground and being forgotten -- which psychologists say, universally, is the deepest and most profound fear of any narcissist. The other line says that as we lie together and our breathing comes into synchronization, her "heart whispers sorrow." I could not understand the darkness of that line at the time I was falling in love, but now I do:
Imagine living your life behind a glass wall. You watch everyone else, and learn to mimic their behavior, but you never actually touch anyone. Your sense of touch is stunted by constant contact with the cold, unyielding glass.
But someone comes and stands next you for a long time. You can't actually touch them, but their presence, their vitality, their life force warms the glass. And for just one moment you come close to knowing what it might feel like on the other side of the glass.
Wouldn't that make even the coldest stone heart whisper in sadness: "So that is touch. I will never know that . . ."
Last Edit: Oct 25, 2014 13:15:44 GMT -8 by Deleted