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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 14, 2012 7:38:42 GMT -8
I think it would help to continue sharing every now and then about the new dynamic I am having with an avoidant in recovery. Therefore, I am posting here my previous post and adding an update: I was a love addict codependent and my ex was a love avoidant. After some back and forth with him, we finally ended our relationship years ago. I have forgotten him and been working hard on my recovery. Then we met again and to my surprise, he has been in recovery too. He has changed. Although he is still introvert, he is now consistently moderately warm. Our dynamics has changed. I'm letting him be himself and I'm not forcing the issue on him or try to rescue him unlike before. He is no longer cold or avoiding intimacy. I am thankful for this. Recovery is about oneself first. And only after working with myself, a relationship may (or may not) happen. I have to be happy and content with myself first before I can be in a healthy relationship. "A great relationship is about two things: First, appreciating the similarities and second... respecting the differences..." Read more: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=recoveryrelaltionships&action=display&thread=6111#ixzz29HuudshI |
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 14, 2012 7:46:37 GMT -8
We didn’t talk about the past. (We’ve had the worst fights.) Instead, I told him how grateful I am for his part in my life. He was touched. He said it made him cry, that after all we’ve been through, I could even say nice things about him. Then he added, he is thankful too for my part in his life.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 15, 2012 11:45:22 GMT -8
I think what brought healing to us is forgiveness...
He said how I could manage to be grateful for his part in my life when he did horrible things to me. I said because his part in my life has taught me many vital things about myself...
Our relationship brought me down to my knees. The excruciating pain humbled me greatly and caused me to seek help and recovery. I would not have known what "letting go" means if holding on to him wasn't painful...
I didn't specify these things to him. I just summarized it as him (and the lessons) being a gift to me that I am grateful for.
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Post by ladypheonix on Oct 15, 2012 20:18:02 GMT -8
a very nice message of hope and healing and the miracle of recovery. Thanks for the post.
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Post by ladypheonix on Oct 15, 2012 20:18:48 GMT -8
Just curious, what type of recovery was your Avoidant in?
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 16, 2012 9:49:34 GMT -8
He said he has been reborn and involved in recovery/hope ministry in their church.
The lesson I learned here is… his life is his business alone, including recovery. And I don’t have to be a part of any of it.
I used to be busy with his life trying to fix him. He said I acted like his mom who smothered him and it pushed him away. I would get mad whenever he said that. After all, I only wanted to help him (codependent). How could he not see that?
I used to tell him everything and wanted him to tell me everything also. I suffocated him.
Another lesson here is… recovery must be wanted and sought by the person himself. Even I discussed it until I’m blue in the face, it won’t change a thing. He has to want and do it himself.
Now, we have good boundary and respect each other’s space.
I have more lessons to share here as they come. Thank you.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 16, 2012 10:31:42 GMT -8
Words are cheap...
No matter how much I told him, we needed each other and are good for each other, it did not make any sense to him before. Because I still showed him that I wanted more and more while he wanted less and less. He couldn't be himself with me and I wouldn't let him go.
Now I have my own life, living at the moment and enjoying it and not expecting anything from him. And he knows it w i t h o u t me having to tell it to him. Because my actions speak louder than my words.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 17, 2012 4:12:29 GMT -8
To respect the dignity of a relationship also means accepting the end when it comes.
There are people so poor, that all they think about is having a relationship outside them.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 17, 2012 6:56:36 GMT -8
Before recovery:
He used to tell me don't you have other things to do? It's like you don't have a life, no family, no friends!
( I have but nothing interest me more than spending my time with him.)
After recovery:
Avoidant: Hey! Where are you?
I really missed you.
( Well, I'm too busy with my own life. I will get back to you after I'm done).
Lesson:
Avoidant needs s p a c e.
LA needs to have her own life, learn to let go and respect his boundary.
The more I obsessed the less I am wanted.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2012 6:37:38 GMT -8
What I learned is that a relationship cannot be forced and it takes both sides to keep it working.
One-sided simply won't e v e r work! Period.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 30, 2012 7:52:27 GMT -8
Recovery r e a l l y works!
Before recovery, I always have something to ask my ex avoidant. He said he’s fed up on me checking on him. He felt manipulated by me.
When I wanted something from him, I won’t stop unless I got it. When I text him, I would asked for an immediate reply. But the more I tried to control things, the more he resisted and got tired of it and wanted to get out of our relationship.
After recovery, I only discuss things that I believe is important and I don’t pressure him to answer me. I let it go and let him have his own timing. Now, he voluntarily speaks for himself, what he wants and doesn’t want. He also explains and apologizes when he responded late. Amazing!
I believe a relationship is walking together. If I’m moving too fast and my partner is slow, I may want to adjust my phasing with him. Otherwise, I might as well not be in a relationship.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 1, 2012 5:32:05 GMT -8
This week is a special occasion for me...
Before recovery, Mr Avoidant did not bother to acknowledge it at all. I sometimes felt I did not exist to him.
This time after recovery, however, he is the first to acknowledge it and wished me well.
You cannot imagine how I used to do any and everything just for him to value our relationship and me, but it never worked and I only ended up sabotaging it. Now after recovery, things just fall into its proper places. I am truly grateful.
One thing I learned from this is a mutual healthy relationship though not perfect feels awesome!
So if anyone is reading this please do not settle for any kind of relationship just to have one.
If it’s not mutual and healthy then let it go!!
There is so much goodness in life to settle for anything less.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 4, 2012 6:14:16 GMT -8
What I share in this community is not only from head knowledge but from heart knowledge as well.
I'm speaking from my first hand, real life experience from addiction to recovery and my relationship that has changed its dynamics from a dysfunctional to healthy one.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 5, 2012 9:45:30 GMT -8
Very, very thankful for recovery.
"Love is lovelier the second time around,
Still wonderful with both feet on the ground."
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Post by new2me on Nov 5, 2012 15:22:15 GMT -8
Wow, thank you so much for posting all of this. It was just the perfect reading I needed to do tonight.
It has given me new enthusiasm to continue with my recovery and to allow my friend the space to continue his.
By the way thank you for your response to my introduction post. I couldn't work out how to reply to you there to thank you. So much of what you said was similar to what I had come to understand too.
The need to love my inner child to help her get over the lack of love from my mother. The need to possibly go back to therapy to overcome some of the things, and the reason for my addiction to my friend.
We thankfully had a really wonderful heart to heart, open and honest healthy conversation last Thursday, and it is so blatantly obvious we need to give each other the space to work on our own recoveries, but we will periodically maintain contact because of the love and caring we feel for each other.
I like you have been learning so much about myself through the pain of my relationship with him, and this past weekend I was really learning how to do good healthy things for myself to help me to grow, instead of hanging around hoping and waiting for contact fro him. What an improvement, and it made me feel so much better.
Now to continue and maintain this forward and growing progress.
Today, I hit a bit of a rough patch, so I am grateful I came on here and read your string of posts, because they really gave me the encouragement to continue the positive work for change.
Thank you.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 6, 2012 5:28:40 GMT -8
Thanks for the encouraging feedback!
If you have something to share or want to ask anything you may also open a new thread at "Newcomers Thread", if there's no other thread that suits you or your need.
Yes it is best to let it come naturally in its own timing and process. When I cut it short I am just cutting myself short.
I never in my wildest dream thought that we would reconnect again. But it happened through a divine intervention after each one of us found each own path to recovery.
Before I got into recovery, I wanted to get healthy so a man like him would want me. But after recovery, I became truly happy with myself that I am now asking me, "is this the man I want in my healthy state and satisfying life?" That's the luxury I am now enjoying -- being able to choose according to my worth and value. And I am as fine with being alone or single too.
So it's good that you are working on you and let him find his own too.
Thanks for sharing and feel free to post in this thread whenever you want.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 7, 2012 6:36:58 GMT -8
We are both taking our time. We are not promising each other anything. We are just going by the moment as it comes.
We are planning to have a dinner date but making it casual not romantic. That way it's relaxing.
We are developing our friendship first then we will see what happens from there. No expectation, no pressure. Just grateful for the recovery we have in common.
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 7, 2012 7:49:43 GMT -8
Wow, thank you for the update, it sounds like you are taking the right steps!
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 8, 2012 4:20:20 GMT -8
Thanks BRD...
Yes I am redeeming the time by taking the right steps. I have wasted so many yrs in addiction already, it's time to make things right and keep moving forward through the path of recovery. The best is yet to come.
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Post by Light on Nov 8, 2012 4:59:51 GMT -8
Hi Code! Today, reading this great site mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/ I realized my relationship with my husband was co-dependency. I just ordered the book from Melody Beattie "Codependent no more". I think it's a good start, also I'm reading "Reclaiming and healing your inner child". I'm at the beginning of knowing finally Light and to love her, I feel excited.... Any suggestion? Hugs, Light |
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 8, 2012 7:42:04 GMT -8
Light, I'm glad that you are honest, aware and doing what you can for you. Plus you have a teachable spirit which is a positive trait for learning and growing.
Those two books I think would be helpful to you. Although I enjoy reading, I also have some recovery in audio forms so when I cannot read I just listen to them.
I guess Coda meeting would be of help if you can find one. Additionally, before you sleep I suggest meditating on Psalms and when you wake up meditate on Proverbs. Then write with a pen what you learn daily in a journal.
Thank you for sharing your progress and for that great site.
Hugs too,
Codepnomore
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 9, 2012 11:24:10 GMT -8
Today I was tested. I was caught a bit unguarded and missed a step in my recovery path. Although indirectly, I demanded some attention from him today. Yikes! The clingy, attention-seeking LA suddenly showed up unannounced! It's his off today and I wanted him to prioritize me over his other normal activities. Haha of course with expectation comes disappointment. So today, I made some wrong choices.
Lesson: Be more vigilant and take care of my own needs including that of my inner child so I will not expect others to take responsibility for me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 10, 2012 9:16:07 GMT -8
At this point I am being taught to apply more humility in my relationship. It is not easy but an integral part of life's journey.
I am also facing my past shame and cleaning up my side of the street.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 10, 2012 10:33:52 GMT -8
Code, I agree with you, it is always being aware of who is running the show, and to realize we have a choice today, there are two roads to take, instead of one road. I have been on kind of a pity pot for the last couple of days, so when i got up this morning and said my prayers, and I wrote on my 4th step, i could see where my past hurts as a child were causing me too get on my pity pot.
And I posted on the forum also, it got me out of myself, so now I am feeling better.
So it is progress not perfection. :-)
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 11, 2012 4:57:50 GMT -8
LML, I felt your absence significantly. In fact, would you believe I even sensed how you felt in a way? I don't know it may sound weird but it is like I have an invisible radar speaking to me every now and then of what is going on with another person and what is about to take place right after. But sometimes I failed to follow its instruction or direction for me and that is when the "show" won't run smoothly.
Your awareness to what has caused you to have pity pot and to be able to get back to right perspective immediately, I think is a great progress LML. Thanks for sharing it.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 11, 2012 12:39:49 GMT -8
I can hardly believe this... But formerly Mr. Avoidant has now learned to express his feelings for me without reservation! Whereas before he would do anything to avoid discussing it with me. And that used to greatly upset me. However now that we let each other has his own breathing room, things happen naturally and beautifully. I am happy to see the rewards of recovery!
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jean
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by jean on Nov 11, 2012 17:06:52 GMT -8
Wow, this is so inspirational! Thanks!!
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 13, 2012 7:25:39 GMT -8
You are welcome. I'm glad that it is so inspirational.
I am happy for him that he is being good with himself and not afraid of intimacy anymore and is opening up. However, I have my own life to enjoy. I take responsibility for my own being. And I keep in my mind that there is n o guarantee that our relationship will lasts a lifetime and that he will always be this healthy. I am just enjoying what I have and experiencing at this moment but n o t holding on to it.
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 13, 2012 8:19:41 GMT -8
That's amazing that you can see that no relationship has the guarantee to last a lifetime and will always be this healthy, yet can enjoy it for what it's worth!
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 30, 2012 7:01:05 GMT -8
Thanks BRD!
We are in great terms. Our relationship is freeing and full of respect and love for one another in a healthy way. I can't ask for more!
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