Love Addict Codependent & Avoidant In Recovery

I attended a wedding recently and the groom is a classic LA Avoidant. In just over a month of being married, the bride divorced him...

What I learned here is, while still in getting to know each other period, be alert on any sign of red flags and listen to your gut feeling. If what he/she says is not backed-up by actions, do not believe it. Do not wait until you are living under the same roof before you resolve your issues because by then, it is probably too late.

Do you have an update? I've enjoyed the hopefulness of reading about your recovery and feel strongly you'll do well with or without him.

Thanks for sharing your good point of view...


I agree that "there's also nothing wrong with having some goals and expectations within a relationship. I think it's OK to expect extra attention and support during tough times. "


The important thing is knowing well what you want in a relationship and to be true to yourself which you both have.


For me, a relationship is a give and take mutual partnership. It has its strengths and weaknesses. And that it has to have direction and goal and not just merely "existing".


I've had many relationships. Each one taught me a lesson about me and life as a whole. Expectation is normal. However for me, it just breeds disappointments. It made me manipulative, disrespecting his boundary and personal breathing space. Consequently, it steals my peace and enjoyment in being in a relationship with him.


One thing I learned is that I cannot change a person and to respect one's own personality, reality and timing. If I cannot handle the natural process and reality of a person then there's no reason for me to stay. I have a choice to either accept and wait or move on.

I sometimes go to Celebrate Recovery and this past Tuesday night I heard a women who has been single for seven years and was celebrating it as a milestone for not needing a man for seven years. To be honest I envied her wishing I could do that.

However is it really great to be alone? I do not think so. I do not think that was the goal to be relationship free for seven years. I think the goal was to be in a healthy relationship and know how to be healthy in one.

I saw that woman's face she didn't seem to be happy to me I could be wrong. I guess the point I am trying to make is. A lot of people are alone now then ever before because of the dysfunction in a relationship but I do not think God intended for us to be alone. He wanted us to be in a relationship with Him, with ourselves and with others. and that means alot of acceptance not abuse but acceptance and adoration for one another.

I am beginning to search for ways to better myself. To help others and to have a personal relationship with my healer. He is the only one who hasn't abondoned me. I am a loner most of the time and the reason why I stay away from people is that I do not wish to be hurt anymore.

There is alot to meand. I am glad I can share this and just get it out.

I saw this thread and really wanted to add a bit about expectations. So often we get confused with this concept. We're told to have high expecations, and then someone comes along and says, "get rid of all your expectations!" Well…which is it??? I know I was very confused until I learned the difference between the two kinds of expectations:

A standard is an expectation you ALWAYS have, and it applies to everyone, not just romantic partners. It can be a really low standard or a high one. But a reasonable standard for all intents and purposes might be something like this: people should treat me with respect, with kindness, and should not hurt me, lie to me, steal from me or cheat on me. Those are very basic standards. But they're good ones. And as you grow and change, or depending on your socio-economic class you can certainly add to your standard: I will not have a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict, I do not know want to associate with people who do not have a job, etc. etc. and so forth. However you look at it, your "standards" that you set for yourself and others are based on your values. And the basics NEVER change.

But then there are the kinds of expectations that function more as higher level hopes and wishes, that are often superficial in nature and get in the way of our being able to just appreciate things as they are. For example, you can pretty much "expect" everyone to uphold your standard of general kindness (at least you should, if you like yourself enough), but you can't expect everyone to be your best friend and call you every day, and not leave you out of parties and always be sure to visit you when you need them to. These types of expectations are blurry, and because everyone has different expectations, it's hard to know what someone's are, if you don't know them well, OR if you don't share the same values. So the idea of letting go of your expectations when you first meet someone means more or less that you are not expecting and hopeful outcomes above and beyond your BASIC human needs for respect and kindness. WHy should you lose these higher level expectations early on in the dating scene? Because a.) it makes you seem too needy if you set your demands so high so quickly. b.) it takes away your own personal ability to look at this person as a human and a friend, as opposed to a potential mate, and c.) it puts a lot of pressure on both of you to uphold high expectations when this time should be about JUST enjoying and getting to know one another. If someone offers anything more than your basic standards (like wanting to take you on a date, or calling you unexpectedly), it should be a nice surprise! Something you didn't "expect."

The more you get to know someone, the more you will both naturally build your own set of expectations--be they good or bad. If you are in a loving relationship with a kind, trustworhty man, you can reasonably expect that he will come home every night and look forward to seeing you. If you are in a bad relationship, you can reasonably expect that all the yelling you to do to get attention still won't happen.

MOST IMPORTANT is this: we can have higher expectations, but only from the right people. Here's a blog on that from my site. thelovelyaddict.com/2012/05/26/1771/ Hope this helped!

Expectations lead us down the wrong path.

The addictive personality and expectations are a bad combination.

Expectations come from the ego not the spirit.

Expectations get it the way of God's wonderful plan for us.

Downgrade expectations to wishes and then wait and see what God has to say.

I enjoyed reading this thread. My POA (ex) and I had this exact issue. The more I wanted the more it pushed him away. And you know how the story goes when we feel the distance. He did not understand why I could not focus on other things while he did the same. The strange thing was I thought I was going in the pace that he set. He was the one who approached the relationship like it was a car race. I am still not sure if I slowed down with him it would have helped but I didn't want to try it (and my stubborness was my part in ruining the relationship). I keep thinking how he became unavailable to me but I also know that I did not give him the space he needed to be himself. Honestly I am still confused about the whole situation. Which is why I need to focus on myself and fix what's wrong with me. With this addiction it is hard to tell if the relationship would have survived even if I was healthy.

I agree with what LovelyJune said. Actually, only through recovery our relationship starts working again but in a different way.

An avoidant usually shows enthusiasm and at full speed in the beginning. Then when you show him interest and becomes too available for him, he backs off. He could only take limited amount of intimacy. He wants to chase more than being chased. Overall, it is still hard to understand how someone would suddenly change. That is why, stay true to yourself in a relationship and keep your values intact. Because there is no guarantee that a person will remain or change or a relationship will work or not.

The best relationship you can have is your relationship with yourself.

Thanks LovelyJune. This is what I am realizing about myself. I am just as unhealthy because it was not long before I responded to his "love" with my "love". And we didn't really know enough to even say that. Also in the past I have professed my love to someone first. It seems like when the love avoidant's emotions change he backs off and my emotions for him increase (even though my mind and logic is telling me to back off). We both are running off of our emotions.

Just an update:


My relationship with this former Avoidant (in recovery) is becoming deep and well-rounded. However, we seem to hit it off more as good friends now than as a romantic couple before. And I am OK with that.


Sometimes we have to accept that a relationship has its limitation and expiration. If it is already ambivalent and you are in doubt whether to continue with it or not...Then your doubt is a confirmation that it is not worth it to begin with. Why waste your time and energy repeatedly for someone who has not shown stability with his decisions and has left you before? Unless you want to get hurt and entangled again then you would not take an ambivalent/avoidant back. Stop that insanity cycle please and instead work in developing yourself individually.


Remember, only when both sides are in recovery for sometime and have worked on their respective issues already that a relationship might work the second time around.

Hi Lostgirl73,


I like how you are doing well in your recovery: "I am focusing on doing yoga, meditation, coda recovery and my own healthy friendships and supports. I am really trying to work on myself and meet my needs. write more, read more, enjoy my daughter, my work, see if I get I to school, continue on my own path."


And I too did not have a healthy couple role model growing up. From my family to neighborhood and friends. There was none. However, lately I started to meet some.
I seldom share about my childhood sexual abuse. But to one of them, I opened up about it. And she was greatly moved by it and cried.


For those who do not know my story with this former avoidant, here is my recap:


My ex came from a strict family and his mother smothered him. She wanted him to attend to her needs (similar to emotional incest) since his father is in polygamous relationship with other women and have neglected them. Therefore, he became cautious of intimacy or closeness with me before. He was in between Avoidant and Ambivalent. While I was heavily Codependent and Love Addict with him. Our relationship was full of drama, chaos, and insanity. I did not have boundary and did not respect his either. So our relationship slowly died. It took me a long while before I finally let go of him. Because I invested my life on him. He was my everything. But then when I came to realization (my turning point was when he asked me, "Don't you have a life? A family? Other friends? Things to do? It is like I am all you got. You are suffocating me.")


I gave him up and sought recovery. After many years, we unexpectedly met and found out that he is in recovery too.


We became really close now. We talk about anything under the sun. We do not fight anymore. It is a give and take relationship. However, it is more like friendship developing between us than romantic at least currently. Because we are both too busy with our respective responsibilities (his old mother still relies on him). Nevertheless, we are enjoying our time this way without any pressure. We are happy with and without each other which is good.


I am wishing you both well. I hope it works when the right time comes. Whatever happens just remember that you are a complete person on your own and to find your happiness within.


Thanks for sharing and relating.

I am happy to know that.


I am here for you. I believe in you and your bright future.


You may share your updates here too. Thanks.

Lostgirl,

Living in fear is a personal "red flag." Your body, mind and spirit are trying to tell you something is wrong. Healthy couples don't live in fear of losing each other, or constant fear, wondering if their relationship will work. Fear only crops in when a partner gets cancer, or gets ill or goes off to war, etc.. Not when both are healthy and at the prime of their lives. It takes a very healthy person to recognize this and pull away if necessary.

It also sounds like you have some really wonderful values about monogamy, love, support, growing old with someone. DOes your partner share your same values? Sharing values is so very important for a healthy relationship.

this story was so fresh and exciting.
thanks so much for posting it.

it is a real gift to hear such positivity and strength in LA recovery.