Post by CodepNomore on Sept 30, 2014 18:23:05 GMT -8
During our break-ups, we used to hurt and destroy each other while the people around us make our fights even bigger. It used to hurt me so deeply. Whatever he says or does against me kills me.
However, when time has passed and I got healed, he did not affect me anymore. We have recognized each other's mistakes and even became healthy friends (since we are both in recovery separately). Yes, I am not attracted to him anymore and we are so geographically far apart now to have any physical relationship. Nevertheless, everything is fine between us and I am truly happy on my own.
Get a good life and be your own "healthy mate", that's how to move on!
Last Edit: Sept 30, 2014 18:27:24 GMT -8 by CodepNomore
Post by CodepNomore on Oct 27, 2014 19:33:07 GMT -8
Just want to share here my utmost loyalty in friendship. (How my best friends were like my "little gods")...
Since I came from a broken home and my siblings were very unloving and often bringing me down, I used to find my significance through intimate friendships. I was always there for them and felt good that I was needed and could offer help anytime. I thought all along that it was my gift and one of my positive attributes. Until I met one of my exPOA and our friendship had eventually led me to codependency and bisexuality. I was attracted to her to the core. She has everything I wanted in a person. Both intelligence and (inner & outer) beauty. She's the Megan Fox of my life. But our friendship became toxic to both of us so we finally decided to go our separate ways. Only through recovery and respectable boundaries we became healthy friends again but still from a distance.
I realized more than to anyone, I needed me to be my own loyal friend. Treating myself right, taking care of my needs, and not to take the role of a Higher Power, Rescuer, or a standby other woman.
Indeed, true friendship/healthy relationship has respectable boundaries and would bring out the best in each other.
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 23, 2014 11:50:44 GMT -8
I found this reply by a member to another member and it resonated with me:
"How are your other friendships? Do you see a benefit from having a well rounded support system with other men and women so that taking a break from ONE friend is not the end of the world?"
Yes, how unhealthy it was for me that I used to devote myself to this one friend considering I was liked and respected by the people around us. But all I wanted was this one friend only. So when we separated it was like my whole world collapsed.
Then same old story would happen with nearly each of my major relationships...
After many years, we would crossed our paths and we would become friends/lovers again, but the difference is the second time around it becomes healthy already. Yes, it is so healthy that each one does his/her own thing and feel whole even without the other person being around. We have fun together and when we are apart.
But since I moved out to a new, distant location again, I am not sure if we'll ever meet again. But I don't worry about it because I am just enjoying the moment I am given. It is all that I have after all.
Post by CodepNomore on Dec 7, 2014 22:06:01 GMT -8
I just spoke with this "one friend" of mine and it was very meaningful, positive, and pleasant.
When I recovered and have learned to mind my own business, it made a huge difference with how I relate to people, including with this "One Friend" and former Mr. Avoidant. Apparently, I was the one who pushed their buttons before and made them feel suffocated and avoided me in fear of intimacy 'with me' only. Hah. I realized this because when I became healthy, they became healthy and pleasant with me too.
So the Law of Cause and Effect and the Law of Sowing and Reaping are true. As I disrespected their boundaries before so in return they disregarded me. But since we met again, post recovery, things have been a lot better. We understand each other in matured ways. We are free to remain true to our individual differences and not trying to change one another. It is so liberating and it feels good.
Post by CodepNomore on Dec 16, 2014 2:23:03 GMT -8
As I read others' sharing here I am reminded that "it was actually me, not them..."
This dear "one friend" of mine, I thought was an Avoidant too and has a Borderline Personality Disorder, etc. I used to hate her for avoiding and blocking me. I thought she was 'sick' and has many unresolved issues.
However, when I became responsible and healthy, I discovered that I was the one who was actually toxic or unhealthy and not her/them!!
The only reason my friend was an "Avoidant" with me is because I suffocated her with my Codependency. The only reason she was giving me a hard time, "silent treatment", etc., is because I was disrespecting her boundaries in the first place.
Believe it or not, sometimes it is not "them" (except for abusers.) but "us" or you or me. When you take responsibility and get well you will find out more.
Just for clarification :
The persons I mentioned here are both "singles and non-abusive". Because if one of us is in a relationship with another person, it makes it a sick, triangle relationship. In the same way, if one of us has abused the other, it also makes it a toxic relationship. Both triangle and abusive relationships are unacceptable and I would not give it a second chance nor waste my time writing about it here.
Post by CodepNomore on Oct 4, 2015 23:32:06 GMT -8
I remember that I did not want to hear what my ex had told me before. It used to hurt and anger me so much. However, when I came back to my senses in recovery, I realized his honest statements, as brutal as they were, had helped me in the path of self-discovery and freedom from false hope and fantasy.
For me, I'd rather that you breakup with me, give me conflicting statements, because at least I can see right through it for what it is, and you are giving me ideas about you or what you are thinking. But flattery, trickery to manipulate me to get what you want (attention, acceptance, validation, sex, etc.); or lies, telling me you love me and yet your actions show otherwise, are the ones non-acceptable to me.
All breakups have two sides and it does not happen overnight. It has subtle signs before it eventually happens.
I appreciated those who offered me support and comfort by honestly telling me also my part of the equation. "An open rebuke is better than hidden love." I don't want to be offered "sugar-coated" 'comforting words' as if my ex did it all wrong. While I was doing it all right.
When we broke up, I realized I actually had a big part in it:
- We were both in a hurry to be in a relationship. Though he was not emotionally ready yet and he was newly divorced. While I was still hooked on sex and fantasy and just started to be monogamous.
(Lesson : relationship takes time and hard work to build. And both parties need to be ready first to commit emotionally, mentally, etc.)
- I put him up on a pedestal and "looked up" to him. With unrealistic expectations come disappointments.
(Lesson: Never look up to any human being and place them higher on a pedestal than myself.)
- I have not yet built my spirituality, self-esteem, personal development. My life was all about relationship outside of me. So I did not have a life of my own and thus, suffocated him.
(Lesson: Love and enjoy my life and in being alone first, before starting any serious relationship.)
There were a lot more reasons and lessons behind our breakup and I am surely grateful for them.
Vivi, You are awesome for writing this. I now realize that I was dating my Mother. AND, I have the exact same issues you do. Isn't it weird how us LAs feel so alone sometimes, like no one gets us and that when we don't have someone in our lives to focus on, we feel like we are dying? Thank you so much for sharing this on this forum. It helps me have greater clarity.
It's true about babies, and I'm so sorry that your family of origin felt that way about you. That is truly tough on a young child and hard for an adult too. But you know, they were broken people who at the time weren't capable of being something different, even though that's what you needed as a child. I also felt that way about my Mom for years. Looking for her love and approval until I was 30 years old, and continuously getting mixed messages of "I love you so much" and "You do things I don't like and I don't agree with, so I don't like you". At a certain point, we have to accept it as it is and move forward with how we want those relationships to look. It does get better though. One step at a time.
Post by CodepNomore on Apr 1, 2016 22:47:42 GMT -8
My ex-Avoidant has been supportive of me. He actually advised me not to get involved or be a bit cautious with this woman. They don't know each other personally, but I informed him about her and vice versa. In fact, she got jealous of him and was counting the times I'd mention him in our conversations.
Interestingly, I also had a colorful story with ex-avoidant. But God had turned our ugly mess into a message of redemption. Who knows? I am going to have another "successful relationship in recovery" story with this woman? Smile. Nothing is impossible with God.