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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 21, 2012 4:02:21 GMT -8
I think it would be great not only to share our struggles but our victories as well to inspire each other. Therefore, here is my self-esteem story:
I was born the least in my family...
The day I was born, my aunt screamed in the hospital and claimed that there must be a big mistake in the delivery section, that I have been exchanged for the true child of my parents. She told my parents that I could not be a part of their clan who are all fair-skinned. I was born dark and remained one until my teen yrs.
I was not talented enough...
My family is known for their academic standing and other achievements while I could hardly passed a math subject.
I was not pretty enough...
My mother, sisters, and cousins are head-turners. Men chased them. While no man showed interest in me until I was in my late teen.
I was dependent...
I didn’t have a job. I depended on my father and my boyfriend to support me for so long.
I have suffered from almost all kinds of abuses.
I was a total reject and a failure.
However, I didn’t give up...
I didn’t let my past, background, circumstances, people’s low opinion of me bring me down. Instead, I used them as stepping-stones to where I am now…
I am now one of the richest and most successful in my family. They are now asking help from me. Moreover, those who are known for their beauty have faded, while I am still shining and looking better than ever. How did it happen?
I turned to the source of life and an "invisible hand" helped me (Susan's quote).
Do not believe anyone telling you, that you are not good enough or you won’t make it. Believe in yourself and use them as a challenge or stepping-stones to pursue your calling in life.
What is your story on self-esteem? Please share yours too to encourage others.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 6, 2013 0:52:13 GMT -8
My Self-Esteem story at work:
I used to keep a job at all cost and please my boss and colleagues at my expense. I could not and would not say no to them. I was very codependent at work.
However, when I choose the recovery path and keep walking on that clear path, it transfers to my work as well.
I have learned to put a firm boundary not only with my personal relationships but also at work. (And it works!)
I recently stood firmly against the "dirty politics" going on in our big company. I courageously reported our corporate business partner to the top management for his abusive use of his authority. I know it would backfire on me, but I do not care about losing my job as long as I take responsibility for standing up for what is right. Because if I allow myself to be abused once without saying anything, then it is like saying, "It is okay to abuse me and you are free to abuse me again."
Self-esteem says a big "NO" to any form of abuse the very
f i r s t time around. (Oh it feels good to take care of oneself.)
Remember, you and I are valuable. We deserve to be respected for our choices, realities, background, personal identity, etc... If we don't get treated right, take action. Either leave the person, report to the higher authority, or set a firm boundary such as "no contact", etc.
It takes self-esteem to do all these. Therefore, know your worth in being in this universe and raise up your standard! Because you are worth it!
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 23, 2013 3:59:39 GMT -8
Self-esteem and recovery do not depend on one’s external appearance, attention received, approval of others, quantitative dating, having a relationship and such.
Meaning, I can be the healthiest person alive and still be single. I can be the best version of me and still be rejected by most people.
However, thank goodness, that my identity and value are based on how God sees me. He stays faithful and true no matter what I do. His love for me is eternal and unconditional. If the Creator of the vast universe is for me, who can be against me?
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john
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Post by john on Jan 3, 2014 11:32:19 GMT -8
Here is my self esteem story(might repeat a bit from other posts)...
I was ashames of my alcoholic mother and never invited people home. When i was 4 my mom had a serious liver decease and she turned yellow, and was in bed for 1 year. We had a helper who was not very nice and talked us down, increasing the shame. My father was pretending to other mum was just `ill` and we had to keep the secret.
My father(rational academic) always told me `think before you act^ , and told me that only disciplined kids were going to be successful, and we had our neighbour kid coming home, looking like a bookeeper even when 5 years old, and my dad pointed him out as an example of how to be. This was of course interpreted as how not to be me. I was rebellious, took big risks, went do to forbidden things, everything which was dragging attention. Nothing helped.
So i found peace in becoming my mums darling and helper, brushing my self esteem away and try to find love that way.
of course it didnt work as my mum was to self absorbed and dysfunctional.
my father told me i was always mediocre in everything: sports, school etc etc. But my big chance was to become academic, because that was safe.
At 10 i decided to get away, and leave them all. I didnt but that gave me a drive.
at 18 i moved out and went to college. I enjoyed so much to be free that i was partying all year, and missed my year. As a thank you my father said, that he doesnt invest in losers, and pulled all funds. I was on my own. 18. That felt pretty bad. I decided to becoem an entrepreneur, and earn money that way. I did it and after 4 years i was out of school with a dimploma, and was hired by a big company and made a huge career to show my dad how good i was. Never got a compliment. I became ill and they took my kidney out, not because of drugs(i never used any until i was 42), but it was form childhood. I can not remember that i have ever been beaten, but its just that way. My mum came out to me in hospital and was completely drunk. I had to step out of my hospital bed with all wires hanging in and called my dad to take her away. so much shame.
My self esteem was eroded, because i was never valued. I compensated to show my family how good i was.
Now i have made peace with my dad, but he is 71, he wont change, and i accept that.
Now i do not have a career, i have my own company, i just want to be the best me. And i need to be whole for that.
even when all looks good on the outside, i travel the world, have my own company, am moderately successful, i have never been able to have a healthy relationship with a woman. The outside looks good, there is much pain inside.
Self love and self esteem are just not rebuilt quickly, its little steps every day.
Still a lot to learn-
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 3, 2014 20:49:09 GMT -8
Here is my self esteem story(might repeat a bit from other posts)... My self esteem was eroded, because i was never valued. Now i do not have a career, i have my own company, i just want to be the best me. And i need to be whole for that. even when all looks good on the outside, i travel the world, have my own company, am moderately successful, i have never been able to have a healthy relationship with a woman. The outside looks good, there is much pain inside. Self love and self esteem are just not rebuilt quickly, its little steps every day. Still a lot to learn- Thanks for sharing your story. That is a hard one; however, that sad beginning or childhood does not have to dictate your future. Your parents’ bad treatment of you is a reflection of their unhealthy conditions. They might have the best intention but unfortunately, it was dysfunctional. I am glad that you have proved them wrong about you. When you deal with your pain inside, your self-esteem will develop. So what steps are you taking in order to heal from that pain? |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 4, 2014 3:14:00 GMT -8
What if we just looked in the mirror and said, for once, "I like what I see." What if we allowed ourselves to be happy or in love with our appearance or who we are on the inside?
What do we LOSE by liking ourselves? What do we sacrifice by daring to validate and value who we are? Why do we need someone else to do that job for us, when we cannot even do it ourselves? Think about it.
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john
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Post by john on Jan 4, 2014 9:32:27 GMT -8
Thanks you lovelyjune and codepnomore.
I just starting coming to terms and understanding what happened to me and see the patterns it shaped for me in my development and relationships. I do have many good friends though, and that is a great support to continue. But as you might have discovered too, when the shame of so big, it is not easy to expose the past, and somebody told me to convert the pain to a bag of wisdom, which i understand conceptually.
I meditate every day and have access to the pain, and feel my body. It seems to loosen more and more, when i do it more.
I have been seeing lots of great people in the world who have taught me to meditate, share wisdoms about the innerchild, and about love and relating, and have done(and are still doing) lots of self studying, my books are piling up. I re-engaged in my sports again and feel i am incontrol of my life, but from July to November, i was left in a way by my narcistic love avoider and triggered all wounds inside, which i was not aware of and found out that i am also a love addict, and have been depent on the relationship a relationship addict, and SW myself, even a love avoider at a certain stage, as everything was too vulnerable.
Strange how we can switch roles even within 1 relationship.
I do thank the spirits everyday for my great lifem friends, and even thanked my parents to do the best they could, eben though it was dysfunctional. I was angry but not anymore. Also talk to the spirits every day and tell about what i am grateful for.
I like your suggestion to look in the mirror and say i love you, but it sounds a bit fake when i do it, but it triggered a smile on my face.
Am glad i am not depressed or anxious, but just afraid to re engage in any relationship, because i feel it might trigger my addiction again and lose myself again. Guess there is no timeline but right now i feel i should not engage.
We dont lose by liking ourselves, i guess i need to get used to the idea to do more for myself, without having my demon telling me its selfish.
If we cant accept it from ourselves we cant probably from somebody else. It is self awareness, and acceptance of compliments. I am not very good at that the second part. My self reflection is quite good i think, but i have too many judges inside. Thats why i read my feeding your demons..
I appreciate you taking time reading and answering my posts...
Seem to be simple steps to follow and interesting angles to reflect on...
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 13, 2014 21:21:09 GMT -8
Self-Esteem says…
Do not stay in an abusive relationship. You owe it to yourself to protect you and to take care of your needs. There is no excuse or reason for anyone to abuse you whether verbally, physically or sexually.
You are a valuable human being who deserves to be treated with love and respect. However, you must start giving it to yourself because it all starts from you and from within. You do not need anyone to do that for you, especially at the expense of being abused. You deserve so much better.
Take care of you, move out, and move on.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 24, 2014 3:03:29 GMT -8
The real enemy of your self-esteem is y o u and not anyone else.
Because even if other people reject, ignore or invalidate you, it is still up to y o u to give it power over you.
And even if others will build you up until they are blue in the face, it would not amount to anything unless you believe in yourself.
On the other hand, if you value yourself enough, no amount of rejection will change your mind about you and who you are.
Because a person with self-esteem believes in him/herself even if no one else does. And a person with self-esteem does his/her best for him/herself even if no one else cares.
In short, it is up to us to make things harder or easier for us. Either you are working for you or against you. Period.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 2, 2014 23:33:32 GMT -8
"Low Self-Esteem is Learned"
by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT
Low self-esteem is learned — learned, inaccurate information that you’re in some way not enough, that you don’t matter, that your feelings are wrong, or that you don’t deserve respect.
These are false beliefs that many people grow up with. They may not have been told these things directly, but have inferred it from behavior and attitudes of family and friends and events. Often these beliefs get handed down for generations. Changing them isn’t easy and is difficult to do on your own, because it’s hard to see others, let alone yourself, through a lens that’s different than the one you grew up with.
You may not be conscious of these beliefs about yourself. The 19th-century neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot, the father of hypnosis, wrote that if there were a conflict between the will and the unconscious, the unconscious would always prevail. This explains what drives your behavior and why you may often fail to carry out your best intentions or act upon what you know is right. Charcot had a great influence on Freud, who studied with him.
People have many fears and anxieties based upon false ideas about themselves and others. For example, many think that making a mistake is unacceptable and shameful. They become anxious about taking risks, trying something new, or expressing their opinion, because they’re afraid of failure or looking foolish. Most don’t realize that they unconsciously believe that they’re unlovable, unlikable, flawed or somehow inadequate. Even if they’re aware of these false beliefs, they’re convinced of their truth. As a result, they’re anxious about revealing who they are, and please, control, or impress others so that they’ll be loved and not rejected.
Still others withdraw from people, rather than risk abandonment. People judge themselves based upon their erroneous beliefs and imagine others are judging them, too. Sometimes, I witness one spouse claim the other is criticizing him or her, when that isn’t the case. In fact, amazingly, this can even happen when the so-called “critical” words are in fact complimentary!
The false belief about unworthiness undermines self-esteem and security and has serious consequences in your life. You lack confidence and self-trust, live in doubt, and continually second-guess yourself. Many people don’t feel worthy of being in a position of authority or having success, or even happiness. Those who are convinced that they’re bad can end up in relationships with people who are emotionally or physically abusive, which reinforces and worsens their low self-esteem. At a conscious level, they may be indignant and think that they deserve better, but still they stay and try to get the abuser to approve of them. Some stay because they believe the abuser “loves” them, which helps them overcome their belief that they’re unlovable or that no one else will.
Similarly, many people repeat relationships with men or women who are emotionally, or even physically, unavailable. They don’t feel that they deserve to be loved on a consistent basis. The unconscious belief is that “I have to win someone’s love for it to mean anything.” There may be opportunities for a relationship with someone loving and available, but they’re not interested. Instead, they’re excited about someone whose love they have to earn. They have to win it for it to count.
When you grow up with the message that you shouldn’t feel a certain way or that it’s unsafe to express certain feelings, you start to believe it. Examples include being told not to get too excited, being punished for anger, or having your distress or sadness ignored. Some shaming parents will tell their child not to cry, “or I’ll give you something to cry about.” As an adult, you judge and dishonor your feelings. You hide them – sometimes even from yourself. If you don’t believe that it’s all right, “Christian,” or “spiritual” to feel angry, you might behave passive-aggressively, become depressed, or have physical symptoms, unaware of how angry you are. This is destructive to relationships. Some people withhold sex or have affairs because they’re angry, instead of talking about the relationship problems.
With low self-esteem you also might believe that you don’t have rights or that your needs don’t matter, especially emotional needs, such as for appreciation, support, kindness, being understood, and being loved. You might put others’ needs ahead of your own and not say “no” because you’re afraid others will criticize or leave you, triggering your underlying belief in being inadequate and unlovable. You might give or do more in relationships or at work for this reason.
Self-sacrifice causes people to feel unappreciated and resentful. You might wonder why you’re unhappy, never thinking it’s because you’re not getting your needs met. Moreover, some people aren’t aware of their needs. If they do know, they can’t ask for what they want. It would feel humiliating. Instead, they don’t take steps to meet their needs and expect others to do so – without disclosing them! These hidden expectations contribute to conflict in relationships.
Changing beliefs starts with awareness. You can become aware of your beliefs by paying attention to the way you talk to yourself:
Write down all the negative things you say to yourself. Often I see clients who are at first unaware of their inner voice, which I call the inner Critic. After awhile, they discover it’s controlling their moods and actions. This is why I wrote a little ebook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.
Note the gap between your intentions and actions.
Journal about this discrepancy and your interactions with others.
Analyze the beliefs motivating your behavior. Ask yourself where your beliefs came from.
The most important belief is that that you can change. When I first began my healing journey, my self-esteem and hope were so low that I didn’t believe change was possible. This was reinforced by another myth. Growing up, I heard my mother repeat, “Show me a child of 7, and I’ll show you a man of 70.” I took this to mean that after 7 years old, I couldn’t change. Actually, new research confirms that personality can change, and many studies show a strong link between personality, well-being, and health. People in 12-step programs and therapy experience this all the time. Your mind is a powerful, creative gift. Learn to use it to work for you, not against you.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 4, 2014 0:43:40 GMT -8
I do not need to be in a relationship in order to feel complete and to be happy and excited about life.
I am living my life and waking up each day for me.
I am in recovery; working hard to get better and attain my goals not for anyone else but me.
My life is about me as a person. I am not my relationship nor what others say about me.
I do things because I want to do them and not to please anyone. I am meeting my own standard and not anyone else.
I choose my self-esteem over pleasing others, fears, insecurities, activity (such as fantasy dating) and any relationship that does not respect who I am and my values.
I love who I am and self-esteem is my gift to me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 18, 2014 7:23:46 GMT -8
My self-esteem is helping me to be as disciplined as an athlete and to have high standard of living. In the sense that I am not comparing my eating, drinking, activities, lifestyle, etc, to a recovering "addict", but to someone who truly regards her body as a temple of God with special care. Therefore, I care to eat and drink what is right and best for my body. And it boosts my self-esteem since it gives me a naturally healthy system, making me feel really good from the inside-out.
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john
New Member
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Post by john on Feb 18, 2014 22:47:59 GMT -8
Hi Co dep
I was thinking about your comment- i used to be a marathon runner, and havent done this for a while.
I have now mastered most knowledge and this has given me the insight in myself what was happening, and this is triggering ideas how i can change.
Your ideas on the lifestyle i like a lot. That discipline i will also adopt again, i have done int he past, and I only eat organic food, but the cigarettes and alcohol dont really fit in that anymore, although i dont classify myself as an alcoholic, i enjoy the glass of wine.
Recently discovered i have besides my small inner child, another one i call the destroyer. That is the one who leads to on the wrong path, and does the socialising in the wrong way.
Yes, self esteem comes from discipline and being good for the temple.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 20, 2014 8:17:39 GMT -8
I am glad that you feel the same way about it. I am wishing you well in returning to your active lifestyle such as running.
There are more, better things to achieve in life post recovery. We should not become lax or complacent and settle for anything less than the best. I believe in continuous growth and in finding ways to become better and better. And in n o t being OK with any standard. Those who go for low standard and advising others to do the same probably have some issues with their self-esteem. Because someone who has a healthy self-esteem wants nothing but the very best and has a high standard for him/herself.
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Anna
Junior Member
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Post by Anna on Feb 20, 2014 10:14:44 GMT -8
This is a great thread...thanks to all of you.
Here's part of my self-esteem story: I was brought up to think I was just a pretty face...it didn't matter that I was smart and made really good grades. I was a weird, egg-head kid, when I should "come out of myself" and be prom queen! I wound up going to a top ten college and being successful. I take pride in my intelligence and interests.
I was told my breasts were too small, that men liked big breasts. My family laughed at me and called me "cupcakes," so I got breast implants that never looked right on me. I went from an "A" cup to a "D" and hated them the whole time I had them. I got them taken out and my breasts have literally bounced back. They look beautiful like they once did! The implants didn't mar them or change them - they used to be beautiful and they still are. My family was probably jealous of my young beauty.
My family told me I was too pale and I had lots of freckles. They told me to lie out in the sun and tan but I didn't want to. I used sunscreen instead and took care of my skin. Now I am always mistaken for at least 10 years younger than I am.
I know these are all appearance-related but my family primarily focused on appearance. I will talk more about my self-esteem journey that doesn't have to do with appearance later.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 20, 2014 20:09:26 GMT -8
Welcome Anna,
Wow, that is fantastic. You must be proud of you. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. I am looking forward to read more about it.
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john
New Member
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Post by john on Feb 21, 2014 9:59:50 GMT -8
Hi Codepnomore
I like your sharing of the your self estemm story and the road to reclaim the self esteem.
It was over a month and a half ago i read the post, and this forum was very helpful particularly il liked your comments and the wisdome of Darlene Lancer.
Today i decided to stop smoking. Its a step towards `treating he body as a temple`. I also liked the affirmations on the self esteem which i repeat every morning.
I do believe say NO to any form of abuse, and YES to any form of healthy instinct is key in growing the self esteem. A lot of the time, when single or in relations, we adapt or set our interest back, and do NOT do what we really like.
Also i started to treat me on special things i like, like a daily walk for an hour in nature, a massage, bought nice second hand antique i liked.
Just these small things are also very important, being conceptual about things ois good, the small actions are a living proof of living the life you want and deserve. I dont pretend to have any knowledge about this but i liked to do this and made me feel good.
Not saying i am there but small steps forward all the way.
Thank you.
From Susan . . . I am impressed and proud of you, but I am not giving up my aspartame so you might as well tell me where to buy it if they remove it from my luggage when I get there.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 23, 2014 4:27:06 GMT -8
Thank you Sebastian. I am sure your self-esteem story inspires many.
What an achievement to be able to quit smoking. Kudos to you.
Replacing toxic stuff with healthy ones are great not only for our recovery but for our daily healthy living.
The more you do things that matter to you, the more you will feel special and increase your self-esteem.
Therefore, I am encouraging everyone to start building your self-worth by living the life that are especially made for you. A life that is purposeful and moving forward against all odds.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 26, 2014 20:49:23 GMT -8
Aren't you tired of wasting your precious life for an addiction, POA, or just living half-heartedly or in mediocrity?
Please make each day count for you and your life. Build yourself up. Do things that increases your self-worth. Make a list of what you can do to make your life significant for you. What is your passion? How you can live out your calling? What you will do now to make you smarter, healthier, stronger, happier, etc. than ever before? Aim to be the best version of you now.
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 5, 2014 7:42:33 GMT -8
I have dated probably a total of hundred of people and up to this day, there are still more than few interested to date me. However, dating did not help my self-esteem to grow. No matter who they are and how many they were, at the end of the day my self-esteem did not improve through anyone of them. Because self-esteem is feeling good about myself for who I am when I am alone and not needing someone else presence, validation, or approval. Yes, self-esteem is all within me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 20, 2014 0:28:09 GMT -8
Build up your self-esteem by finding your purpose in life and developing your strengths. After you have developed your self-esteem, it is much easier to live in reality, face criticism and rejection without being moved, and to feel whole even you are all alone or have been broken.
Unless you are truly rich from within, you would still feel empty/void inside of you. Therefore be r i c h first within.
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 22, 2014 8:41:02 GMT -8
It is best to be at peace with who you are and make the most of what you have without comparing yourself to anyone else.
It is not your problem if others don't like you. You do not owe them anything. But you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity intact.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 22, 2014 9:49:59 GMT -8
This is true I would read social media and compare myselfs to others. Then I went on trips with these female friends and found that they have a lot of unhealthy addictions that make them look lean and attractive, and they aren't happy people. Men chase them only to dump them, it's not a happy story. Sometimes we wish for something and then when we get it, it sucks!
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 23, 2014 5:29:54 GMT -8
Yes, indeed, I know some people (my very own clients) who spent so much in order to conform to the society's high expectation of them. They stay ahead in fashion and sought external beauty enhancement (including cosmetic surgery) at any cost and yet they still have poor self-image and feel empty inside.
True self-esteem is not about beauty, power, status, richness, or being liked by people. But it is being at peace with who you are and being rich from within you.
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 25, 2014 4:32:39 GMT -8
I found this quote and I think it is good to post it here:
"I can look at a picture of Gisele Bündchen all day long and say, 'I'll never have legs that long or lips that big.'
You have to honor who you are."
– Kate Hudson, on her insecurities and self-acceptance, to Self magazine
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Post by CodepNomore on May 2, 2014 8:24:38 GMT -8
A person with a healthy self-esteem listens to his/her values and would not accept just any kind of treatment from other people.
If you feel that you are being used; your time is being wasted and/or your communication with such person makes you feel less than worthy or not good or interesting enough, it is time to set a boundary and keep some distance.
Self-esteem knows when to say "no" and "enough"..."I deserve better."
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Post by CodepNomore on May 14, 2014 5:41:54 GMT -8
Please make yourself rich within you by building yourself up in a healthy manner, because only then you can make appropriate values and standard for yourself. Otherwise, when you feel deprived, lacking, or insufficient, your values and standard will suffer too. Thus, you accept anyone who comes to you and feel worthless when they leave.
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Post by chrysalis on May 14, 2014 20:24:18 GMT -8
Codep, thank you for the latest post. It just spoke to me. If we accept anyone who comes to us then we will feel worthless when they leave. It is so true! It is really all in our hands to value and honour ourselves, to never settle for anything that is beneath our value and standards.
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Post by CodepNomore on May 17, 2014 8:33:35 GMT -8
You are more than welcome and I am glad to read your response.
I actually feel sad when I read stories of feeling worthless, having no boundary, low standard of living, accepting poor treatment, being abused, entertaining triangle or married one, etc., due to lack of self-esteem. I hope they can see themselves valuable and complete as a single individual.
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Post by fitbrit on May 17, 2014 11:11:30 GMT -8
Codepnomore,
Thanks for starting this thread and for your comments! Words to live by for sure! I am really feeling a shift towards loving and caring for myself this week! All the work I've been doing is starting to pay off! I love this site! It's really propelled me forwards and helped me head towards recovery! Thanks everyone!
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