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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 24, 2012 6:45:16 GMT -8
We all have our battles.
Nobody goes through life without getting some scars, without experiencing some disappointments, hurt feelings or more.
But it is up to us to stop adopting the victim mentality and instead take responsibility for our life.
It's up to you to do the work.
If you would like to leave your past behind and finally free yourself from it, you have to take responsibility and work on yourself every single day.
Are you willing to start all over again?
Are you ready to let go of whatever it is you are clinging to?
Are you dedicated enough to make this effort?
Have you been let go and can't stop blaming all your current problems on your past (abuses), inner child, and POA?
Wake up, refresh your mind and get creative.
Don't dwell on what could or couldn't have been but take action right here and right now.
Are you constantly eating junk food and blame it on all the problems you face in your life?
Are you short of breath whenever you move but don't do anything against it?
You know you are headed down a dangerous path but can't seem to find the help you need in order to get back on track.
There is always a possibility to get back into a workout routine and to eat more consciously. But if you keep finding excuses, if you keep postponing this possibility until tomorrow, your health and your life will deteriorate.
The bitter truth - and the awesome opportunity it gives you - is that nobody will do your work or live your life.
It's in your own hands to create your life's best outcome, to recover from any addiction, to be healthy and to be your best you.
You have the power to achieve these goals. You just have to wake up, take the necessary steps and then rock the world.
Whatever responsibility it is you are not accepting, here are four easy ways to help you embrace it:
1. Identify your areas of senseless blame. Be very honest and stop deluding yourself. This only makes your situation worse.
2. Brainstorm about possible solutions. Write down every idea coming to your mind that might help you to move forward with your life. Just let your thoughts flow and don't judge your ideas right away. You can edit them later.
3. Create an action plan. Now that you have gathered some ideas, it should be manageable to devise actions to get you out of your situation.
4. Implement the plan. Don't stop after you've written down your action steps but implement them. Do the actual work to finally start moving forward again.
Take responsibility for your problems and your past, even if they were not your fault.
Own it and work with it.
That way, you can and will improve your situation a whole lot faster and better.
By AR and Codepnomore
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 24, 2012 9:41:40 GMT -8
The Scar Clan
For women, tears are the beginning of initiation into the Scar Clan, that timeless tribe of women of all colors, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud. Must read for women. Skip the preface and go right to the stories. IMO |
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 25, 2012 5:25:44 GMT -8
Thanks Susan. That sounds interesting.
Responsibility
My Role
Having responsibility is the duty or obligation to act. Taking responsibility is acknowledging and accepting the choices you have made, the actions you have taken, and the results they have led to. True autonomy leads to both having responsibility and taking responsibility. Taking responsibly is fulfilling your role in life. Responsibility is an essential element of integrity; it is the congruence of what you think, what you say, and what you do. Responsibility is essential for reciprocity, trust, and for maintaining symmetric relationships.
Definitions:
- Having a duty or obligation to act
- Acknowledging and accepting the choices you have made, the actions you have taken, and the results they have led to.
- Able to meet commitments made to yourself and others
- Keeping the promises you make.
- Doing everything you say you will do, or have lead others to expect from you. Do what you say!
Responsibility is a Choice
Responsibility without choice is torment. This is the tragic curse suffered by scapegoats and other innocent people falsely accused and wrongly blamed. Choice without responsibility is greed. This is the selfish attempt to get something for nothing that is the wasteful and harmful excess of cheaters, playboys, egotists, and tyrants. Escaping responsibility is at the root of the tragedy of the commons. Taking responsibility for our choices provides the symmetry of reciprocal exchange and the basis for trust. Responsibility is a congruence between the actions we choose and our values.
Responsibility unleashes choice.
Whenever we think, decide, choose, and act we are exercising our personal responsibility. Deciding to accept responsibility for our choices increases the range of choices considered acceptable by others. It allows autonomy to increase without decreasing relatedness. We always have more responsible and less responsible options to choose from.
Here are examples of choices we have:
More Responsible:
- Facts, realism, reality, and learning what is. Inquiring, investigating, seeking, and embracing facts and truth. Reason and sanity.
- Honesty.
- Focusing our thoughts and attention. Orderly.
- Thinking through alternatives and consequences.
- Clear and consistent thinking and expression.
- Learn from history.
- Seeking out expertise.
- Working to understand.
- Self-discipline. Impulse control. Behaving true to your values. Saying “yes” to your values and “no” to the rest.
- Do what you say.
- Fulfill reciprocal obligations.
- Open to new ideas and information. Curious. Wise.
- Willing to accept blame for errors.
- Consistent, congruent, and reliable.
- Rationality, valuing reason, respect for facts, and valid logic. Gathering, validating, and studying evidence. Developing and applying a coherent theory of knowledge.
- Considering a variety of points-of-view.
- Rigorous, careful, attentive.
- Adaptation and flexibility. Adjusting beliefs and actions to accommodate newly understood facts.
- Competence.
- Autonomy.
- Courage.
- Seeking solutions.
- Integrity.
- Awareness and wisdom.
- Adherence to evidence, values, and choice.
- Entrepreneurship.
- Participant.
- Entitled to my own opinion.
- Talking to people.
- Building enduring relationships based on who we are.
- I choose to . . .
- I decided to . . .
- Ideas, choices, and actions do matter and do have consequences. Believing that effects and outcomes have causes.
Less Responsible:
- Fantasy. Avoiding reality; embracing fantasy or magical thinking. Denying or escaping reality. Rumors. Rejecting facts. Insanity.
- Dishonesty.
- Drifting, rambling, unfocused, flighty, chaotic.
- Relying on habit or taking the easy way.
- Obscurity, vagueness, hedging, inconsistency, waffling.
- Revise, ignore, or dispute history.
- Dismissing expertise.
- Whatever.
- Acting on impulse. Going along with whatever. Situational ethics.
- Do whatever.
- Evade reciprocal obligations. Cheat.
- Closed to new ideas. Stubborn and closed minded. Ignorant.
- Infallible, arrogant, dismissive, obstinate.
- Inconsistent, chaotic, unreliable.
- Fallacies, distortions, assumptions, misinformation, and unrepresentative data.
- Accepting a one-sided view.
- Sloppy, careless, distracted.
- Rigid and misfit.
- Manipulation.
- Dependence.
- Cowardice.
- Assigning blame.
- Betrayal.
- Unawareness and ignorance.
- Blind obedience.
- Bureaucracy
- Bystander.
- Entitled to my own facts.
- Talking about people.
- Seeking instrumental relationships based on what we do.
- I had to . . .
- I had no choice . . .
- It's all up to fate, destiny, and chance. Attributing results to chance or destiny. There is nothing I can do; I am helpless.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 27, 2012 12:15:48 GMT -8
Playing the Victim
You are playing the victim and shirking your responsibility when you are acting like you have no choice, choosing to remain powerless, declining to act, blaming others, or failing to see constructive alternatives. These are all ways to “play the victim” and deny the responsibility you can take. “But what can I do?” is the typical victim’s disingenuous protest as they act helpless and decide to do nothing.
Blaming the Victim
Often the poor are blamed for their poverty, battered spouses and children are blamed for causing their own abuse, and rape victims are accused of “asking for it”. Instead of blaming the victim, look more deeply and more broadly for the true causes of the problems. Blaming the victim distracts attention from the true cause and attempts to shift responsibility. It is a form of scapegoating.
Adults Act Responsibly
Adults act responsibly, children do not, regardless of how long they may have lived.
Adults:
• Control impulses and act deliberately according to their values, well chosen beliefs, and long term goals,
• Consider the needs of others and the community, not only themselves,
• Are generous rather than selfish, kind rather than cruel, gratified, not greedy,
• Are comfortable with complexity, doubt, and ambiguity, they are not quick to judge,
• Control their emotions and don't tolerate tantrums, anger displays, self-indulgence, and violence,
• Are emotionally competent and apply a robust theory of knowledge,
• Integrate experiences and information to act rationally, consistently, and reliably rather than unpredictably, inconsistently, irrationally, and erratically. Adults are stable, even tempered, and non-volatile.
• Are patient and consider the long term, not only this fleeting moment,
• Speak with candor and don't tell lies, speak disingenuously, or mislead,
• Are trustworthy, not manipulative; respect others and play by a fair set of rules. Children often cheat and expect to win at any cost.
• Choose wisdom over ignorance,
• Value reason over power, the pen over the sword,
• Confront problems and transcend conflict, rather than deny and avoid problems, instigate quarrels, become vindictive, or seek revenge,
• Accept responsibility for their actions, admit mistakes, accept their share of the blame, and apologize to others,
• Accept and assimilate facts, rather than dismiss, distort, ignore, spin, self-justify, or fantasize,
• Maintain a balanced perspective; adults tolerate trivial transgressions while courageously upholding the most vital principles,
• Attain an authentic humility and keep their egos in check.
• Are authentic, not phony,
• Are autonomous, competent, and value their interdependence with others,
• Are helpful, not helpless.
• Are sober, not strung-out,
• Enjoy fun, but never at the expense of others.
Our world requires adult supervision; take responsibility to act your age. Children choose easy over hard, simplistic over complex, and fast over slow. But significant contributions are often difficult, complex, and slow to achieve. Forego the cheap thrills to achieve satisfaction and significance. You are a competent, autonomous adult.
You are fully responsible for all your words and actions, as are other competent adults;
it is time to put away childish things.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 28, 2012 8:25:00 GMT -8
A Central Role
Many emotions reflect how we attribute responsibility. We are especially quick to assign blame, often attempting to dispose of our loss. Here are examples of emotions related to attributing responsibility:
• Assigning responsibility for a loss is the definition of blame.
o Pessimists blame themselves for bad outcomes.
o Pessimism contributes to depression.
o Optimists blame others for poor results, but claim responsibly for good outcomes.
o Optimism is the basis for hope.
• Shame results from taking personal responsibility for not meeting your own expectations.
• Guilt results from taking personal responsibility for not meeting another's expectations.
• Revenge and resentment seek to hold others responsible and accountable for your loss.
• You accept responsibility for causing another's loss when you apologize to them.
• Forgiveness frees others from responsibility for your future well-being.
• Hate blames the enemy and holds them responsible for your troubles.
• Sadness turns into anger if you blame someone for your loss.
• You feel betrayed if someone does not meet the responsibilities you expect of them.
• Compassion turns into contempt if you blame the person and hold them responsible for their hardships.
• Reciprocity acknowledges our responsibility for maintaining symmetry in relationships.
• Autonomy is taking full responsibility for your own decisions.
But because another's intent can never be accurately attributed, responsibility often remains ambiguous, and the resulting emotions may not be sending reliable information.
Quotations:
• “We've gotten to the point where everybody's got a right and nobody's got a responsibility.” ~ Newton Minow.
• “With great power comes great responsibly.” ~ Spiderman
• “With freedom comes responsibility.” ~ Edward Deci
• “The price of greatness is responsibility.” ~ Winston Churchill
• “Responsibility—true responsibility—requires that people act autonomously in relation to the world around, that they behave authentically on behalf of some general good.”~ Edward Deci
• “The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority.” ~ Stanley Milgram
• “Where respect says ‘Don't hurt’, responsibility says ‘Do help’.” ~ Thomas Lickona
• “Do what you say.” ~
• “Responsibility without choice is torment. Choice without responsibility is greed.”
~ Leland R. Beaumont
• “Citizens are grown-ups. Consumers are kids.” ~ Benjamin R. Barber.
• “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” ~ St. Paul in the New Testament.
References
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem , by Nathaniel Branden
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Post by Carito1988 on Mar 15, 2014 14:13:03 GMT -8
I like this quote: I think that responsibility is also an habit that I need to create to give me the opportunity everyday to grow and stay clean from this addiction. For me it has not been easy, it has not been easy to take the responsibility of my recovery in this area (love), that is why I want to ask my HP to help me to get this responsibility and be the woman I want to be for me. Carito  |
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 15, 2014 14:23:43 GMT -8
I like with responsibility comes freedom..when we take total responsibility for our choices and actions and we stop blaming others for our sadness and stop playing the victim role, it gives us the freedom to focus on healthier options for ourselves, instead of questioning everything looking for answers they probably will never come.
That is true freedom...
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southernbelle
Junior Member
Recovery is scary, but so is remaining exactly the same.
Posts: 74
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Post by southernbelle on Apr 11, 2014 10:30:32 GMT -8
Thank you for these post....they are very helpful. I'm going to print them out to keep re-reading.
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 12, 2014 7:35:04 GMT -8
Thanks for liking it and sharing your thoughts here. Taking responsibility makes a person moves forward and accomplish things.
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Post by CodepNomore on May 26, 2014 1:31:52 GMT -8
Please don't just speak about your problems and then do nothing about it. If you already knew that something is wrong what the heck are you doing about it?
Find the solution and take responsibility to protect/remove yourself from toxic place, person, thing and improve your situation. When you do nothing you are becoming a willing victim. Would you rather be a victor or a victim? It is really up to you.
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Post by CodepNomore on Sept 19, 2014 19:49:01 GMT -8
I am telling you a simple truth:
Unless you take responsibility to face your real issue and do something about it, you will stay stuck in your addiction.
I am referring to those who think they can stay in contact with their POA; going to the same toxic place, person, and things. Moreover, for those in a triangle relationship, hear me out: Unless you completely break away from it, you will continually be broken, used up, miserable and vent here and there. In addition, you are not only bringing damage to yourself but also to those concerned people around you.
"Taking responsibility" by doing the right thing and doing "No Contact" is a must-do for anyone who has a POA or in any form of triangle relationship (infidelity, cheating, affair). It is required in healing and recovery process. For you cannot possibly recover while still 'using' your drug of choice. Nevertheless, only you can make that choice for you. Just be ready to face the consequences of whatever choices you make because there is no escape from it. I can only hope that you will make the right decision for you and your life.
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Post by CodepNomore on Sept 21, 2014 1:00:30 GMT -8
There is no shortcut in recovery; we have to really take responsibility. Even a support group cannot help us, unless we take responsibility to make a change ourselves.
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Post by abetterlife on Jun 30, 2015 8:38:12 GMT -8
We all have our battles. Nobody goes through life without getting some scars, without experiencing some disappointments, hurt feelings or more. But it is up to us to stop adopting the victim mentality and instead take responsibility for our life. It's up to you to do the work.
If you would like to leave your past behind and finally free yourself from it, you have to take responsibility and work on yourself every single day. Are you willing to start all over again? Are you ready to let go of whatever it is you are clinging to? Are you dedicated enough to make this effort? Have you been let go and can't stop blaming all your current problems on your past (abuses), inner child, and POA? Wake up, refresh your mind and get creative. This post was quite a while back, but it was great to read this. A lot of energy has to be invested for me to keep my recovery alive daily. I guess early on it has to be, so I can learn to let go, reintroduce new behaviors, habits, hobbies, and ways of thinking. It is exhausting! But there's so much to do, it keeps my mind busy enough to not engage in other behaviors. So much learning and doing. Some days it seems so easy to just fall back and go on "autopilot", but theres NO hope for change there. There is hope here :0) |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 2, 2015 13:29:58 GMT -8
Scar Clan is a term coined by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run with the Wolves, meaning “that timeless tribe of women of all colors, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud.” (pg. 374) “It is a good idea,” Estes writes, “for women to count their ages, not by years, but by battle scars. ‘How old are you?’ people sometimes ask me. ‘I am seventeen battle scars old,’ I say. . . |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jul 3, 2015 20:38:51 GMT -8
Hi abetterlife, Nice name! Thanks for the appreciation of this thread. I know how it is so much easier for us to just do the things we have been accustomed to. But there would be no progress in "doing the same thing expecting different result". Only insanity. And the good thing about taking responsibility is you are also building up your self-esteem consequently. And the more you feel good about yourself, the better you will be in every aspect of your life, not just in your recovery. You are doing this for the love of you. It is one of the best, life-changing investment and experience you could have. So enjoy this journey towards a better life and keep us posted. Thank you. |
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