Post by liveandlearn on Jul 4, 2011 18:38:43 GMT -8
Today, I was thinking about boundaries and I was reminded of something I had realized when I was still friends with my POA.
She was always very harsh in her opinion of people who cheated on their SO and was convinced that she wouldn't cheat on anyone. In some ways, I believe she was partly right in that I don't think she would cheat on someone physically. Physical contact outside of an established relationship was one of her boundaries.
Interestingly, to me at least, was that I could completely see her cheating in a different way, that is to say cheating emotionally. In terms of sharing emotions and becoming emotionally intimate too early, she had no boundaries. She was involved in several pseudo-relationships where the other person involved thought they were in a relationship with her given her open behaviour at least emotionally and the fact that she would accept their constant attention and gifts (which she would manage to rationalize as normal friend behaviour). At some point, she would get mad at them because she felt they 'expected a relationship with her' while she only wanted to be friends.
Part of the reason things really got rough between me and her was related to this lack of boundaries. She was contemplating steadily dating someone. Yet, she also thought that nothing would need to change in my relationship with her. In her mind, it was completely ok to remain in close contact, spend the majority of the time together, go on trips together etc... despite the fact that she wanted this other relationship.
I told her I was fine with remaining friends but that I would simply not maintain such close contact if she were in a relationship with someone else. I just felt like it would be a recipe for jealousy. Not to mention that is would have been unfair to me and to her boyfriend.
She was very upset with me that I wouldn't agree to her view of things.
Even though she is engaged, I can completely see her having an emotional affair with someone when she starts working. She would definitely identify a physical affair as wrong but just wouldn't think an emotional affair would be wrong because she would just define it as getting to know a coworker/friend better. It's normal to have friends including friends at work. Except that she would take it to an inappropriate level of intimacy too quickly (and end up completely ignoring her partner).
What I have learned from her and from similar examples from others is that a lack of boundaries can lead to some odd beliefs and behaviours. For example, her desire to spend more time with me than her boyfriend, her belief that you shouldn't marry a best friend because if the marriage crumbles, you also lose a best friend, that things were always hush hush between her and her mom and never seemed to get the real version of the truth about many things.
I felt something wasn't quite right in the first few weeks after I first met my POA. Unfortunately, despite that intuitive feeling, I went back despite initial problems. In retrospect, I think that feeling of something off came from these little odd behaviours and beliefs that just didn't seem to jive somehow.
For now and the future, I know I need to listen to my intuition to avoid similar situations and take note of odd beliefs or behaviours that might signal weak boundaries.
She was always very harsh in her opinion of people who cheated on their SO and was convinced that she wouldn't cheat on anyone. In some ways, I believe she was partly right in that I don't think she would cheat on someone physically. Physical contact outside of an established relationship was one of her boundaries.
Interestingly, to me at least, was that I could completely see her cheating in a different way, that is to say cheating emotionally. In terms of sharing emotions and becoming emotionally intimate too early, she had no boundaries. She was involved in several pseudo-relationships where the other person involved thought they were in a relationship with her given her open behaviour at least emotionally and the fact that she would accept their constant attention and gifts (which she would manage to rationalize as normal friend behaviour). At some point, she would get mad at them because she felt they 'expected a relationship with her' while she only wanted to be friends.
Part of the reason things really got rough between me and her was related to this lack of boundaries. She was contemplating steadily dating someone. Yet, she also thought that nothing would need to change in my relationship with her. In her mind, it was completely ok to remain in close contact, spend the majority of the time together, go on trips together etc... despite the fact that she wanted this other relationship.
I told her I was fine with remaining friends but that I would simply not maintain such close contact if she were in a relationship with someone else. I just felt like it would be a recipe for jealousy. Not to mention that is would have been unfair to me and to her boyfriend.
She was very upset with me that I wouldn't agree to her view of things.
Even though she is engaged, I can completely see her having an emotional affair with someone when she starts working. She would definitely identify a physical affair as wrong but just wouldn't think an emotional affair would be wrong because she would just define it as getting to know a coworker/friend better. It's normal to have friends including friends at work. Except that she would take it to an inappropriate level of intimacy too quickly (and end up completely ignoring her partner).
What I have learned from her and from similar examples from others is that a lack of boundaries can lead to some odd beliefs and behaviours. For example, her desire to spend more time with me than her boyfriend, her belief that you shouldn't marry a best friend because if the marriage crumbles, you also lose a best friend, that things were always hush hush between her and her mom and never seemed to get the real version of the truth about many things.
I felt something wasn't quite right in the first few weeks after I first met my POA. Unfortunately, despite that intuitive feeling, I went back despite initial problems. In retrospect, I think that feeling of something off came from these little odd behaviours and beliefs that just didn't seem to jive somehow.
For now and the future, I know I need to listen to my intuition to avoid similar situations and take note of odd beliefs or behaviours that might signal weak boundaries.
