Post by sillypoppet on Jul 30, 2011 13:16:11 GMT -8
So, I'm not sure if anyone has ever noticed this after working on recovery for awhile...
As I have worked more on myself, I have noticed that some of the people in my life (and those who gravitate towards me) are very unhealthy individuals. It makes sense, because like any relationship, these people might see their similar problems reflected in me. Likewise, I feel safe because I know that they are emotionally unhealthy and non threatening. My mom always said that I befriended "the underdog," but I'm starting to understand that it's more than just being compassionate. Being "one-up" on someone makes me feel more in control. I've dated men that weren't necessarily at the same level as me because it gave me a false sense of security. I have also done this in my friendships, where I have become "the stable one, the helper, and the advice giver." However, I've learned from recovery that most people don't want advice, they don't really want to be a "fixer-upper" project, and in the end they're probably going to resent you.
So, with all that said, I have also realized that many of my friendships are unfulfilling. I have TERRIBLE boundaries in general, which many people take advantage of. Some of my friends are too self absorbed in their own drama to see beyond themselves. So, I started setting boundaries with these people... and I was met with a very negative and angry reaction.
For example, I have a friend who constantly makes plans with me. As of yet, I have only hung out with her ONCE because she doesn't pick-up her phone (when we are to go out) or cancels the day of. I have always been nice about it, but she did it again this week. I had literally talked to her Wednesday night, but by Thursday morning she said "never mind, I can't afford to." When I offered to host a movie night at my house she avoided the question. So I knew that she had lied about the money issue. I confronted her about her behavior... I said that I have a feeling that there is something going on in her life which I understand is none of my business. However, we make a lot of plans that she cancels... She acknowledged that there was something, but it was "none of my business" and "SO SORRY" that she had inconvenienced me. My conclusion... she's not really a friend. She's too caught up in her garbage (she got divorced last year) to see beyond herself. She has complained to me how depressed she is, texted/called when she can't sleep, but is completely worthless when I need support. So, I'm done trying to build anything with this person.
I had another girl who has been calling me the same way. She wants to hang-out, but then when the time comes doesn't answer the phone. On one occasion she admitted that she was with her boyfriend instead... which she texted a day later. I've offered to make plans with her, and told her what days I'm available. In one instance she never texted back, but got angry when I made plans with someone else (who does follow through). Last week she texted again, asking to meet up for drinks very late. I waited up and did some homework. She texted me around that time, I got ready, but then she just disappeared. She finally texted me back an hour later and said that "she was laying in bed and wasn't going out." I didn't respond because I was mad. She sent me another couple of texts saying "Sorry, my stomach hurt." I finally responded that "I hope she had fun at her concert, sorry she didn't feel well, but next time when she cancels she needs to let me know. I was really tired and was waiting on her." She never responded.
On the flip side, last night I met up with a girl whom I'm casually friends with, although we have never hung-out one on one. She texted me back in normal time (not like three days later), asked me what I'd like to do, and then met me up at that place. We had a really good time chatting, and I was glad that I had texted her.
It's interesting to see the type of people that I have attracted in my life. Like romantic relationships, healthy individuals aren't interested in friendships with emotionally unhealthy people. I've often wondered why some of my friends are so flaky and unreliable... because perhaps this is who I have been for quite some time. I've never had the appropriate boundaries with anyone, and so they keep doing it. The kind of behavior I mentioned before would royally p*ss me off with a guy... so why would I ever tolerate it coming from a friend?
As I have worked more on myself, I have noticed that some of the people in my life (and those who gravitate towards me) are very unhealthy individuals. It makes sense, because like any relationship, these people might see their similar problems reflected in me. Likewise, I feel safe because I know that they are emotionally unhealthy and non threatening. My mom always said that I befriended "the underdog," but I'm starting to understand that it's more than just being compassionate. Being "one-up" on someone makes me feel more in control. I've dated men that weren't necessarily at the same level as me because it gave me a false sense of security. I have also done this in my friendships, where I have become "the stable one, the helper, and the advice giver." However, I've learned from recovery that most people don't want advice, they don't really want to be a "fixer-upper" project, and in the end they're probably going to resent you.
So, with all that said, I have also realized that many of my friendships are unfulfilling. I have TERRIBLE boundaries in general, which many people take advantage of. Some of my friends are too self absorbed in their own drama to see beyond themselves. So, I started setting boundaries with these people... and I was met with a very negative and angry reaction.
For example, I have a friend who constantly makes plans with me. As of yet, I have only hung out with her ONCE because she doesn't pick-up her phone (when we are to go out) or cancels the day of. I have always been nice about it, but she did it again this week. I had literally talked to her Wednesday night, but by Thursday morning she said "never mind, I can't afford to." When I offered to host a movie night at my house she avoided the question. So I knew that she had lied about the money issue. I confronted her about her behavior... I said that I have a feeling that there is something going on in her life which I understand is none of my business. However, we make a lot of plans that she cancels... She acknowledged that there was something, but it was "none of my business" and "SO SORRY" that she had inconvenienced me. My conclusion... she's not really a friend. She's too caught up in her garbage (she got divorced last year) to see beyond herself. She has complained to me how depressed she is, texted/called when she can't sleep, but is completely worthless when I need support. So, I'm done trying to build anything with this person.
I had another girl who has been calling me the same way. She wants to hang-out, but then when the time comes doesn't answer the phone. On one occasion she admitted that she was with her boyfriend instead... which she texted a day later. I've offered to make plans with her, and told her what days I'm available. In one instance she never texted back, but got angry when I made plans with someone else (who does follow through). Last week she texted again, asking to meet up for drinks very late. I waited up and did some homework. She texted me around that time, I got ready, but then she just disappeared. She finally texted me back an hour later and said that "she was laying in bed and wasn't going out." I didn't respond because I was mad. She sent me another couple of texts saying "Sorry, my stomach hurt." I finally responded that "I hope she had fun at her concert, sorry she didn't feel well, but next time when she cancels she needs to let me know. I was really tired and was waiting on her." She never responded.
On the flip side, last night I met up with a girl whom I'm casually friends with, although we have never hung-out one on one. She texted me back in normal time (not like three days later), asked me what I'd like to do, and then met me up at that place. We had a really good time chatting, and I was glad that I had texted her.
It's interesting to see the type of people that I have attracted in my life. Like romantic relationships, healthy individuals aren't interested in friendships with emotionally unhealthy people. I've often wondered why some of my friends are so flaky and unreliable... because perhaps this is who I have been for quite some time. I've never had the appropriate boundaries with anyone, and so they keep doing it. The kind of behavior I mentioned before would royally p*ss me off with a guy... so why would I ever tolerate it coming from a friend?
