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Post by bklynrn on Aug 20, 2011 4:54:22 GMT -8
Hi All,
I have been afraid of love my whole life. Not just afraid but terrified to allow myself to be so open, vulnerable and truly in love. I think I was in love once or maybe it was an obsession...I don't really know. How does one know when they are in love or falling in love or just obsessed with a person? I really don't know yet how to differentiate the two. Because I'm an avoidant/ambivilant love addict It makes the possibility of love so confusing. Just because I'm feeling something good and thinking about a person every day does it mean I'm becoming obsessed or feeling real feelings for this person ? It is soooooo confusing. Does this post even make any sense? So what is love? What are healthy emotional boundaries?
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 20, 2011 5:12:16 GMT -8
I think what needs to happen is to avoid the use of the term "falling in love." or "love" altogether. Instead, when you ask if something is real or imagined do not turn to your emotions for an answer. Turn instead to the actual RELATIONSHIP between you and someone else. Are you having a healthy exchange. Do you think positive thoughts of this person when you are with them. Is their real and healthy interaction going on. Love does not happen first. Love grows from a real, concrete, actual relationship you have with someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Love addicts, however, tend to want to rush into things and feel love first. This is where things get tricky. Here's another tip: we obsess over that which we do not possess. So, if you are constantly wondering where someone is, why they haven't called, why they are not more interested in you than you are in them, it may be a sign that a) you are rushing things, or b.) it's not a healthy relationship. Bottom line: use "healthy relationship" as your barometer and NOT "love." OUr feelings can play tricks on us. But facts cannot. Here's more on healthy relationships: Signs of a healthy partner: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=recoveryrelaltionships&action=display&thread=5168WHat makes a relationship successful: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=recoveryrelaltionships&action=display&thread=5176When to start dating again laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=recoveryrelaltionships&action=display&thread=5133 |
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Post by Herenow on Aug 20, 2011 5:39:11 GMT -8
LovelyJune,
This is a great barometer! Thank you for all your wisdom!
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Post by bklynrn on Aug 20, 2011 5:49:15 GMT -8
Thank you Telemita....The links gave me some very good guidelines to look at. So i'm thinking I'm more on my way to healthy relationships. I still need to work on my own projections but sitting with the feelings rather than reacting is helping.
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Post by winter on Aug 26, 2011 12:19:24 GMT -8
Here's another tip: we obsess over that which we do not possess. So, if you are constantly wondering where someone is, why they haven't called, why they are not more interested in you than you are in them, it may be a sign that a) you are rushing things, or b.) it's not a healthy relationship. Bottom line: use "healthy relationship" as your barometer and NOT "love." OUr feelings can play tricks on us. But facts cannot. I couldn't agree more. When I "thought" I was in love it was simply a fantasy in my head about the definition of love would be. I swore up and down I loved my X POA for years and years. I cared about him and knew him for so long but I was not in love with him nor did I love HIM. I was in love with the idea of him and in love with the fantasy in my head of us. I would call constantly , wonder where he was, wonder if he was thinking about me, wondering if he would cheat on me, Calling again to make sure he wasn't, Call him playing games trying to get him to say something I wanted to hear. Thinking about him and fantasizing about him all day long. Staying home just to wait for his call. Thats obsession. Later when I dated someone I rushed in and saw them a few times a week which was a lot to me. In the beginning he reminded me of my X poa looks wise but we had fun going out and he respected me and treated me awesome. I rushed in and thought it was love but once again it was a fantasy and when I realized it wasn't my X poa and I didn't really love this guy for himself but the fantasy of him being my X I had to break his heart. Was it a healthy relationship, yea the guy treated me like gold but it wasn't healthy on my part because it wasn't true and I was only leading this guy on. I'd only be staying with him so I wasn't alone. Unfortunately it took 4 months to figure that out. When I met my now husband it wasn't butterflies and rainbows or fairytale instant love so automatically I didn't think I loved him or was in love with him. In fact in the beginning with us it was the opposite. Love takes time, trust, and honesty. |
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Post by thefish on Aug 28, 2011 9:07:14 GMT -8
Thanks for the great information..I have felt the instant love so many times, the obsession, not trusting, always wondering.
I thought my husband was my soulmate, we had been together 15 years but I was miserable and unfortunately he suffered from so much depression it killed him. I have been trying desperately in the past 4 years to find love again, and until realizing I had a problem only a few weeks ago, was going to give up.
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