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Post by lovely1 on Apr 22, 2009 18:58:57 GMT -8
I can't wait until I get to the point where I am no longer trying to figure him out. That's a huge part of my sickness. Tonight I was fantasizing about him and decided to ask myself why. It turns out that I was at a function for my kids and I didn't know anybody so I felt alone, so I started fantasizing he was with me. I realized that I was just doing it because I was hurting. I amazed at all the similarities to myself I see in the posts here! Have you ever tried journaling? When I'm in waiting rooms and stuff, I always journal. So I have those occasions covered. My main fantasy time is when I wash the dishes or when I'm walking and I LOVE to walk. Lately I've been "writing" as I walk, but I still drift off when washing dishes. |
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Post by judy on Apr 23, 2009 4:20:33 GMT -8
Hi pru - I asked about the therapist to see if you had been discussing this problem with anyone.
Therapy is just an option. I've gone to therapy off and on over the years. It is a great tool.
If you can sort all of this out now (fantasizing and unhealthy choices) and establish a healthy way of thinking and acting without a therapist, that's fine, too.
Good luck!
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dearprudence
New Member
The sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you.
Posts: 35
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Post by dearprudence on Apr 23, 2009 17:55:24 GMT -8
Hi pru - I asked about the therapist to see if you had been discussing this problem with anyone. Therapy is just an option. I've gone to therapy off and on over the years. It is a great tool. If you can sort all of this out now (fantasizing and unhealthy choices) and establish a healthy way of thinking and acting without a therapist, that's fine, too. Good luck! Therapy seems like it would be good, but I think for now it's best that I do this on my own, because my mom would be asking why I should go to a therapist. She'd be convincing me why I shouldn't go to see one, and say there's nothing wrong with me. Thanx! I think I can work this out!  |
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Post by jonny on Jul 13, 2009 6:48:08 GMT -8
Do we fantasize because reality to us is boring and mundane with very little excitement if this is the main case then it is very hard to stop it and live in reality all the time !!! especially if we have done it do it for so long and it has given us so much pleasure to the pleasure spot in our brains (addiction) !!! I'm not sure to what degree i am a love addict as i do and have lived out lots of my life quite normal as most other people but i must admit this bizarre dream of a special person making me the most happy person for ever is a strong one and more so its powered by the exstatic pleasure infatuation gives you once you have experienced it !!! and i think we link this infatuation with the ever happy theory ....i am now on my own and constantly think of a new partner who will make me happy ever after but i know reality will interupt so in a way i am trying to control it so i wont get the highs and the lows when it goes away and the disappointment !!! i certainly connect it to trigger it with lust or the sexual attraction of a pretty woman and more so if she is dressed girly and in a pretty dress or pretty clothes !!! its all very confusing to me as to what i am actually looking for in life is it a dream that does not really exist !!! The silly naive thing is every time i have had infatuation in a reciprocated relationship it always goes after consummation (full sex) and then im so upset it has gone but i suppose this is the nature of the addiction to your pleasure spot in the brain  I find it very mixed up in me especially when its mixed up with lust because lust is so powerful along with love addiction and the desire to be happy ever after with this dream woman is also very powerful and when the two are working togther they are very hard to control as you can imagine !! One of the bigest problems with fantasizing is when you are obsesssing about meeting a perfect partner like what i have been doing and must try to control it you are on a high then when you meet someone and reality comes in you drop on a low because its reality its like a short fix !!! I must learn to control this because along with my grieving over the lost of my wife which gives me roller coaster days as it is its also part of the process to trying anything to release you from the pain of grieving then you realise what ever you try is only a short term fix then reality hits back at you !!! but also i suppose what ever we try all help to mend my broken heart !! my mind and life is in a termiol !! i suppose i need to seperate my healthy thinking from my love addicts thinking !!! Any suggetions as to how i keep it under control or are we back to learning to be happy with yourself love yourself and working on our inner child !! generally keeping your fantasizing down as much as you can ?? jonny xxx |
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Post by jonny on Jul 16, 2009 22:51:12 GMT -8
When does a natural dream or goal in life turn into a fantasy how do we distinguish between the two after all every body aspires to thier dreams and goals in life...i suppose the first point of call is to recognise when your dream is actually impossible i mean lots of people dream of winning the lottery and how they would spend the money so is that a dream or a fantasy because just like fantasizing over an unavailable person its very unlikely its going to ever happen ? The reason i am making this point is to assertain where we stop fantasizing to keep to reallity because if we confuse the two we could become relieved of our natural dreams and goals if we dont know how to seperate them and get to a position where we dont actually know what we want because we are confused trying to stop being a love addict ....i would be grateful to a reply as to how we carry on and still have our dreams and goals and keep them in prespective and seperated from fantasy !! Thinking about it if we dream or a fairy tale life happy ever after its all perfect but life and reality step in and in some way spoil the dream like a fairy tale romance i suppose !! so in one way im touching on answering my own question !!
All the above scares me a little as to how i try to keep my life on an even keel without letting the love addict take over ! but thinking about it i suppose the main problem is only connected to any relationship i have !! and dreams and goals of another nature would be seperate ! so we are back to keeping your mind in reallity esp where a relationship is concerned....i was in London yesterday for the day and i find myself looking at all the different women to see if that special person is in front of me to get the buzz this is where lust and love addiction can be very confusing or is it just you always want what you cant have ?....but i suppose i should stop doing this esp while still in the gieving process its just you try anything to get out of it and dreaming of this wonderfle partner is one way but its just a short fix and maybe its fantasizing as like we all know reality is not as exciteing maybe im doing it for the buzz of the shirt term fix of unreality but you try anything to ease the grieving ! even my priest told me that and he meant anything which shocked me when he said it.
jonny xxx
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Kiki
New Member
"kiki, you're too young"...
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Post by Kiki on Nov 29, 2009 23:26:21 GMT -8
i've been romantically obsessive of this boy in town since the 6th grade (im a freshman in highschool now). i fantasize about him almost every second of the day. i think about making the most passionate love to him or just being with him. its sad cuz ive never told him about how i felt about him, yet i have a feeling that im in love by myself. when i fantasize about us together, it's not me... it's a more perfect, more beautiful, more satisfying version of me. it's how i would think he would love me for. i cant get him off of my mind... ever. i fall sleep with his picture in my head... the picture is permanent.
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 5, 2009 21:30:02 GMT -8
Fantasizing has been the bulk of my relationship with my PoA current & past. What actually happened in real life is very little & not like the fantasy.
In the past year I have myself LITERALLY going to bed an hour early just THINK about & FANTASIZE about my PoA when he could not be reached. It would not be an sx thing, just replay of how good things could be. Like movies of our beautiful time together...that rarely happened & were not only about sx.
I'm just beginning to function & do other things outside of work & working out this week. I would imagine the fantasies will continue, ESPECIALLY through withdrawals but now I can be more aware & not let them take over what can be REAL & constructive in my day.
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Post by miztex on Feb 5, 2010 19:03:39 GMT -8
I fantasized 24/7 growing up. I had no coice. I was alone at home all morning until I got to Kindergarten. After school was the same; alone. After supper; alone. My mom and dad each disappeared to their separate corners and I played alone in my room or on the piano in the living room. My house was like a tomb of quiet except for my music and the TV in the den. My father never spoke.
I fantasized about movie stars, heroes in books, TV guys. I wanted Andy Griffith to be my Dad, and ANYONE to be my mom. I fantasized about my teachers, boys at school, ANY and EVERYBODY! I WAS BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They didn't understand about giftedness too much then.)
I fantasized about a great career(that happened)and a great family with kids in a great house(that happened too) BUT the one I wanted most has eluded me all my life; romantic passion. Thought I FINALLY had it this time. If you have read my previous threads, then you KNOW how wrong I got it. Oh well.........
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lostandhopeful
New Member
You'll See. Everything Will Be Ok.
Posts: 35
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Post by lostandhopeful on Oct 12, 2011 1:23:58 GMT -8
Wow! What everyone is describing here is just totally a normal way of life for me. I never even imagined that it was at all unusual until recently. I have no idea how I'm going to stop. I can't even imagine stopping. That's just the fun part of 'falling in love' for me. The reality part has always been pretty awful. After 40 years, I wonder how possible it is to change such deeply ingrained behaviors.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 12, 2011 2:29:41 GMT -8
It IS possible Lostandhopeful. If you think it's not you will not succeed. Susan Peabody mentions up there somewhere that love addicts never stop fantasizing, they just start to fantasize about other things, but I'm not so sure I believe that 100%. On a percentage scale, I used to spend 90% of my day in fantasy because I chose a lifestyle which allowed me time for fantasy. When I started changing, recovering and getting healthier, I almost completely stopped fantasizing. Why? I got busy instead! I used my brain for more constructive purposes like writing, reading, working on projects, etc. And while I still consider myself a "creative" individual, I am far less prone to fantasy than I was four years ago. How did I change? One of the ways was to realize that too much fantasy had left me empty-headed, unable to converse with others on topics other than my PoA. This horrified me! Read this: thelovelyaddict.com/2009/01/05/the-battle-within/ But know that there is another entry on my blog even more directed about fantasy and how to overcome it. I just have to find it! |
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lostandhopeful
New Member
You'll See. Everything Will Be Ok.
Posts: 35
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Post by lostandhopeful on Oct 12, 2011 2:38:23 GMT -8
Thanks! I'll certainly read it and would be grateful if you found the other post as well. I think this may be the thing most crippling in my life in general and the part of my LA that throws me into badhorrific relationships.
I'm not sure what I have in store for me down the road, but just evaluating someone on how they act in real life instead of my dreams would be a huge improvement.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 12, 2011 2:51:42 GMT -8
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Post by looking4direction on Jun 9, 2012 23:12:11 GMT -8
guilty!
I have posted numerous posts about my PoA and he's not alive right now. I have been "on" him since October of 2009, when my aunt was dying.
I think June is right---it's probably about avoiding something very painful---I have had fantasies and crushes all my life that never came true and my crush on A. my PoA has been the worst ever.
I still have trouble getting out of it now---this fantasy---it's like another life within my real life.
I am attempting now to stay in reality more and go do more things in real life, but it's still very hard, esp when I have time on my hands or at night, when I am forced again to think.
Right now I am looking at June's link to her blog.
Carol
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Post by healthyme on Jun 30, 2012 20:11:54 GMT -8
Mike1967,
It took practice to remember the reasons the relationship was not good for me. The good moments came strong & often. They were only moments compared to the depth & duration of the toxic portion of the addiction & relationship.
Practicing was well worth it. I still get a memory of a warm moment but shortly after comes the events that followed that moment & shortly after that I am thankful that is not my life today.
It's not about making them bad so we'll be glad to be away, it's more about accepting how we put ourselves in an unhealthy situation & what it cost us to be there.
Write out all the reasons it wasn't good for you if it's hard to remember.
Practice.
:-)
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 1, 2012 13:36:05 GMT -8
I stopped myself from fantasizing about my POA. One of the ways I did it was to imagine how life is probably like in real life with him-he sits on the couch all night watching Fox News, drinking beer and farting. THAT stops my fantasies! Lol. I call this aversion therapy. It is discussed in the book How to Fall Out of Love. |
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Post by moonlitvein on Feb 10, 2015 22:51:36 GMT -8
I'm glad I found this thread on fantasizing. I not only fantasize but I also act them out. It's one of the most regular thing in my acting out list. I have been doing this since childhood. I fantasize men (especially my PoA) giving me a lot of attention not just because of my looks but also because of my intellect & my capability to handle crisis. Acting out my fantasy is always at it's peak during morning.
This is really embarrassing to admit - I lock the door of my room & normally act out - for example dancing while imagining my PoA or someone important is watching me (in my case it is always men I know/like/fantasize about/someone really important). I imagine that he loves watching my body.
During this enactment/ talking out loud, while imagining that the person is with me, I am transported to another physical space. My room doesn't remain my room at all. Depending on what the fantasy is, I imagine that space & talk aloud to the imaginary people. For eg. apart from dancing it is:
1) Office space, during a meeting where I am getting admiring glances from my PoA
2) Giving a speech for eg. a seminar/lecture where my PoA is present & he is really taken aback by my smartness and confidence.
3) Imagining the death of a really loved one & that I'm handling that crisis really well. I'm in control and everyone is observing me, praising me for my ability to control myself & things around me so well.
4) In a picnic, where I am with a bunch of people & I recite a poetry & make an instant connection with my PoA
Enacting fantasies can really sap energy from doing anything productive. It's awful. It is only been a few months that I have been able to slowly stop the acting inside my room and I have gradually replaced it with reading self help stuff in the morning and meditating for a while and doing basic things like eating breakfast, bathing etc on time.
The fantasies itself obviously remain though.
It's very embarassing when family members or your maid can catch you talking to yourself. As children many of us talk to ourselves aloud. But most adults overgrow that stage. I feel I haven't. Can any of you identify with this?
I am a fantasy addict I need to start replacing them with productive fantasies.
Incidentally all of the above things in the list have actually happened in my real life. Eye contact & chemistry during meeting, I've actually handled crisis like death in the past really well, taking up responsibilities calmly, recently I was invited to speak at a seminar which went very well etc. etc.
Does anybody have thoughts about the fantasy about death? It's the most painful. Do any of you actually ACT your fantasies aloud?
I realize all of the above is about craving attention which is related to self esteem. Reading on this currently & took a test too. Scored severely low on the test.
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dblem928
New Member
The heart has reasons which reason does not know.
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Post by dblem928 on Feb 12, 2015 3:23:09 GMT -8
I haven't read all of the posts but I can identify fantasy and catch it consciously and fairly quickly bc I know what it begins to feel like.
I could be high in ten minutes without even having to get out of bed... Crazy.
Essentially, as I understand it, it's a defensive mechanism when dealing with present reality. However you wanna spin it it's this simple (for now) = Since a person cannot deal with their situation or circumstances in their present reality (generally understood to originate from ages 1-6 where we could not control our environments externally), they lose sight into a fantasy of the future in order to cope with their present reality. Both realities feel real, of course, to the emotionally driven addict fantasizing.
It makes a lot of sense and opened up a lot of awareness about patterns into fantasy and why.
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Post by moonlitvein on Feb 13, 2015 3:16:59 GMT -8
Hi dblem928
Yes. Fantasy is definitely a defense mechanism. For me it is basically a lot of build up of anxiety regarding facing the day, especially if there is any important task to be achieved then the level of fantasy, especially negative thoughts/ fantasies are higher. They automatically diminish slowly as the day moves on. So yes it's a defense against the anxiety of dealing with the reality that a new day brings to me.
Like you I can catch my fantasies fairly quickly & consciously. The problem is that most of the time I don't realize when it begins. It starts so quickly that it catches me unaware.
So now my mechanism is to be very conscious so as to see that I don't begin at all or at what point I begin & to tell myself "STOP". But what works better is to set a clock or timer, for eg. telling myself:
"From 8 am to 10 am I will not talk aloud or fantasize. Let me see if I can make it for these two hrs. Let me see if I can be successful at this. After that I will aim for the next two hrs again."
It's very hard to do. I don't always succeed but I try. It works. It's a great way to slowly change any habit. Not just fantasizing.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 13, 2015 13:00:43 GMT -8
How about replacing fantasizing with a specific task. For example, every time you catch yourself drifting off, promise to replace those thoughts with CONCRETE ones that are important in the present. For example, a grocery list, a list of chores to do, a list of work-related tasks, a list of goals you'd like to set in recovery, or goals to save for a new car, or a vacation...etc. It's VERY difficult to just stop fantasizing about someone or something. But if you REPLACE your fantasy thoughts with concrete ones, it helps |
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Post by moonlitvein on Feb 14, 2015 22:51:11 GMT -8
Yes. I have been trying to replace them since the last one or two weeks. It's centred around getting a new job. This is what I have been doing. I FANTASIZE the LARGER picture first; for eg. I have got a new permanent job. But the larger picture has to be broken down to SMALLER pictures. So the smaller picture is 1) Going out and job hunting 2) Setting appointments 3) Actually meeting the people related to the job 4) Succeeding at an interview. But to do all this I have to do even more SMALLER chores: 1) Looking up the job vacancies in paper/ online & updating my biodata. So I work backwards from the largest to the smallest fantasy in order to actually put it to work.It's kind of working. Slowly though! But right now I am actually at looking at the vacancies & biodata stage. Read the post on obsession in your blog a day back. The little brain game you suggested there is an eye opener. |
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Post by leahb on Nov 16, 2015 20:26:01 GMT -8
Hi Vivi,
Thanks for sharing this. I get like this at times as well. I feel quite lost in my thoughts and was like this as a child too. It's so strange how when you discover codependency and LA, you actually start to look at your whole life differently. From when you were like 3 onwards. Lol. I feel like I wish someone had told me that I would be going through this process and that I'd eventually feel better. It's a tough road. It would be helpful if I had more information about what other tools I could use to feel better about things-But for where I'm at now I guess I'm content. I'm trying not to expect too much too fast. I'm practicing a lot of self compassion, but still. I feel like I could be doing better than I am.
Sometimes I also feel like I'm wasting my youth by not going out to meet people. But the truth of the matter is, I prefer to stay in, read, wrote, watch movies, cook, hike, and do other active things. I'm not into the bar scene or clubbing at all. We'll see what happens as life continues to evolve.
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Post by shastafame411 on May 7, 2017 15:44:55 GMT -8
I write as well. In fact overcame an love addiction to someone by writing a story about it. I'm doing this again when I write a change the names and places. I write out the fantasy because I know I could never act on it. The protagonist is me and the other character is my poa. Writing has become a healthy way for me get rid of my thoughts
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Post by ~w~ on Jul 7, 2017 9:46:53 GMT -8
I am fantasy addict
I got my eye on man who looked reminded me of ( imago ?) looked a bit like my abuse ex but more educated and confident .
I can understand that he somehow reminds me of my abuser uncle , who was sex addict , convict and did things that healthy ppl don't do, once he tried to choke me ( because her overheard how I was cursing him) .. we were left for summer holidays to their house ( and he hated us ! )
Once I didn't get his further attention ( fantasy man) I got really sad and felt really low.. and after I had such sexual energy .. it all makes sence , I felt sad that I somehow waist my time on this fantasy ( today it was really sexual )
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I find it very mixed up in me especially when its mixed up with lust because lust is so powerful along with love addiction and the desire to be happy ever after with this dream woman is also very powerful and when the two are working togther they are very hard to control as you can imagine !! One of the bigest problems with fantasizing is when you are obsesssing about meeting a perfect partner like what i have been doing and must try to control it you are on a high then when you meet someone and reality comes in you drop on a low because its reality its like a short fix !!! 
