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Post by Freetolive on Sept 3, 2011 9:16:17 GMT -8
What are ways you have stopped being needy and clingy? I've been this way and would like some feedback.
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Post by Herenow on Sept 3, 2011 10:25:38 GMT -8
Freetolive, good for you to see and feel your behavior, that was a big piece for me, just recognizing and accepting my neediness. Then looking at the roots of my behavior, doing family of origin work and working the steps. It took time but slowly it has changed. Now I can recognize that when I get needy it is some other emotion that is blocked etc. Good luck.
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 3, 2011 10:29:09 GMT -8
Yeah, but I don't know how to dig at where it comes from and it scares me to think I can be there again. I read where I should practice going places alone. Get to a place inside of me where I don't "have" to be with someone. The suggestion makes since when I think about it.
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Post by Herenow on Sept 3, 2011 11:35:58 GMT -8
Just chunk it down into little bites, little changes, notice what does work, where you are comfortable by yourself even in little doses of time. It amazes me how powerful baby steps our for our recovery. And the not ever wanting to be that way makes sense but sometimes we have to accept the way we are and keep working towards the changes. I understand your fear. When I don't know how to dig at where it comes from like you say I turn to my HP and just keep asking for help, it blows my mind where the inspiration and support show up!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 4, 2011 3:29:26 GMT -8
We don't have that sort of control, if we did, none of us would need recovery. It's not about getting rid of feeling that way, it's about understanding why you feel that, examining your life and mind with real intention to change. Keep working the steps, question your motives, feel your feelings. Byron Katie has a good saying, something like "you can't go beyond your own evolution", meaning be patient...
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Post by bklynrn on Sept 4, 2011 5:18:46 GMT -8
Hi freetolive....just begin going places alone. The more you do things alone the more confident you become and the more freeing it begins to feel and the less clingy you will become. Try the movies first and go a few times. Try the first shows cause most times others are there alone too. Move on to other places alone...like going to a diner for lunch. Then sit in a bookstore alone. What most of us are feeling with being alone is an internal loneliness. We are adults trapped in a child like mindset if you think about the bigger and deeper picture. Are we really alone when we go places?? Really?? No....there is an entire world of people out there with you. No, were not sitting or interacting with them but were not totally alone either. The feelings we feel or maybe I should say what i felt was more of a insecurity of being with myself. Just like a kid doesn't and cant be left alone to go to a movie or a diner or to the park...we are trapped in our child like minds. It's simply time to grow up and learn how to be self sufficient. At least that is what lerning to be alone means to me. You will then notice new types of people wanting to be with you when you become more confident in yourself. Healthier people. Take a look at this video. This was sent to me on this board a while back. I love this video.
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Post by Havefaith on Sept 4, 2011 5:32:08 GMT -8
I have been in serious recovery for one year (before that, I fooled myself and walked that slippery slope, which ALWAYS landed me to act out). I was clingy and needy beyond belief -- a poster child for this addiction. Mine is a multi-pronged approach -- weekly therapist appt, regular attendance with fellow addicts (weekly SLAA meetings), posting here at LAA, reading, reading, reading (I've got some excellent reading material I can recommend), a mild anti-anxiety medication to stop my brain from ruminating, and knowing I am not alone. These steps, along with self-awareness and a one-day-at-a-time attitude, is crucial for me. I still struggle. There is no quick fix. The battle is not over. Will it ever be? I've talked to a lot of people who say there is no cure as such, but this addiction CAN be managed and those feelings associated with LA (clinginess, neediness, obsession) can be quelled. Here's a great blog by Ethlie Ann Vare, a classic love addict. Again, I find great comfort in knowing I am not alone and that there are others who really, really get this addiction. affectiondeficitdisorder.tumblr.com/HaveFaith |
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 4, 2011 5:51:58 GMT -8
Understand WHY you're clingy and needy. In most cases, we become clingy and needy with people who tend to keep us at a distance or avoid us. I'm betting that you are NOT needy and clingy with other needy/clingy people. Think about it. Think about someone from your past (a friend, an ex, a family member) who showed you lots of love and never let you out their site. How was your behavior then? Probably not clingy. The world works in yin and yang. It works to balance out loss or gain. Even if you have no example of that in your past, where the tables were turned, we still exhibit clingy, needy behavior when we feel avoided. That being said, just learning to do stuff on your own is not exactly the answer. A better approach is to surround yourself with people who give you a good amount of attention, love and kindness. If that, however, is still not enough, you are very possibly trying to "fill the void" with other people. In that case there are two approaches: 1. Start to fill your (imaginary) void with things that are important to you. Hobbies might not cut it. You might need to search for what makes you passionate (hint: leave people out of the equation and search for ideas, beliefs, career paths etc.). Or, better yet.... 2. Stop believing there is a void. Allow people's attention and friendship to be "ENOUGH." Whatever it is they are willing to offer, it has to be "enough." Practice "enough." The next time you are with someone and they go to leave, let them. Practice being OK with that and saying, "Thanks for hanging out," or "OK, bye." NO matter how much it pains you. Don't try to push or force the situation. When they leave and you are once again alone, allow yourself to feel that emptiness and aloneness, but don't equate it with a VOID. It's not a void. It is simply you growing and learning what "enough" means. Like hunger pangs to someone on diet...you are merely attempting to shrink your stomach and readapt to a smaller portion of whatever it is you think you NEED. here's more on "filling the void" thelovelyaddict.com/2011/01/07/filling-the-void/ |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 4, 2011 7:07:00 GMT -8
thanks LJ.....I absolutely 100% agree with u......why do we forget this all the time? Your words have uplifted me....thanks for the positive reminder....I will keep this and when i need to read it over again...Sun  |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 4, 2011 7:21:07 GMT -8
My therapist just recently said to me....You are very needy...its one thing to be needy...but its another to take people hostage.....which i didnt like the comment.....but as i stayed with the feelings around it...i dont want to take people hostage...i dont want them to take me hostage either....so now i keep this awareness in my head....
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Post by Havefaith on Sept 4, 2011 10:51:22 GMT -8
Yes, understanding why there are clingy and needy behaviors, where they are coming from - their origin -- is crucial -- that is why I am in therapy. I need to know where this is coming from before I can successfully deal with it; otherwise, for me, those behaviors continue to rear their heads. Again, self-awareness and knowledge is key for my recovery.
HaveFaith
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 4, 2011 15:27:52 GMT -8
havefaith....have u asked your counselor that question? I only know that for me....i believe it all stems from my childhood...when u have someone that doesnt pay u any attention we become needy and clingy to those people....and for me that is why i am attracted to those people that are unavailable for me....i relive my childhood all over again....i just read a post yesterday from someone...who shared about why LA are attracted to Narcissistic people.. I use to believe that i needed to know the source too...but being in recovery ....i dont need to know that anymore....first of all...i really never have found all the missing pieces to my life...and why this is and why this happened...i have to accept it for exactly what it is....and then i can move on and grow and heal....for me it was all about acceptance...and letting go....its not easy anyway u look at it.....I know that God put this in my life...and now what lessons have i learned from it....thy will be done not mind....
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 4, 2011 17:11:13 GMT -8
Well I saw my ex tonight at an NA meeting. I didn't go talk to her and I didn't give her a hug. A friend said, why didn't you go hug her, she was looking at you all the time." I said, yeah I know.But why do I have to make the effort to reach out. If she wanted a hug, then she should have made the effort. I'm tired of giving and giving. I don't want to be like this anymore. But I have to admit, I started beating myself up. Telling myself that I should have acted spiritual and gave her a hug. BLA BLA BLA. d**n, I hate this stuff! I guess I'll be wanting her to text or email me now. CYCLES CYCLES CYCLES....LOL I surrender to God. I can't keep fighting. Thanks guys for the post. I'll mention the neediness to my therapist. She what she says.
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Post by Havefaith on Sept 5, 2011 5:28:16 GMT -8
Yes, I have worked with my therapist for a year now -- asking questions, finding answers, knowing that ultimately the people in my life did the best they could under their very flawed circumstances. Learning to forgive the people who abused and hurt me was imperative -- it is allowing me to heal and move forward -- and I am grateful.
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 5, 2011 19:10:04 GMT -8
Self-discipline and Self-Esteem.
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Post by Bo on Sept 6, 2011 22:02:20 GMT -8
Free-
I am still a clingy and needy person, only now I am clingy onto my HP. I am so clingy of my Higher Power, I try to meditate and pray to make "conscious" contact daily, daily, daily.
Seriously, I am not need of a man, my spiritual growth in getting stronger from the inside, and nobody can really "see" that I am clinging to a power greater than myself.
I agree...let go of the dysfunctional relationships and people who do not strenghten your recovery. You are right, if someone needs something from you...they will ask. Don't assume. Keep the recovery focus on you and you will be the one that gets better.
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Post by delta1111 on Sept 7, 2011 18:28:48 GMT -8
Bo
excellent comment. Thank you
Clingy to my hp.
Clingy to my higher power.
If someone needs something from you...they will ask. Don't assume. Keep the recovery focus on you and you will be the one that gets better.
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 8, 2011 16:43:39 GMT -8
Thanks
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Post by Herenow on Sept 9, 2011 2:14:05 GMT -8
Bo
Yes, clingy to HP. Have been having the experience more and more, always there always available if I let go and listen. The daily meditation/prayer is really rockin my program. I had no idea the strength that is found in meditation!
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Post by loveellen on Sept 26, 2015 18:13:34 GMT -8
Understand WHY you're clingy and needy. In most cases, we become clingy and needy with people who tend to keep us at a distance or avoid us. I'm betting that you are NOT needy and clingy with other needy/clingy people. Think about it. Think about someone from your past (a friend, an ex, a family member) who showed you lots of love and never let you out their site. How was your behavior then? Probably not clingy. The world works in yin and yang. It works to balance out loss or gain. Even if you have no example of that in your past, where the tables were turned, we still exhibit clingy, needy behavior when we feel avoided. That being said, just learning to do stuff on your own is not exactly the answer. A better approach is to surround yourself with people who give you a good amount of attention, love and kindness. If that, however, is still not enough, you are very possibly trying to "fill the void" with other people. In that case there are two approaches: 1. Start to fill your (imaginary) void with things that are important to you. Hobbies might not cut it. You might need to search for what makes you passionate (hint: leave people out of the equation and search for ideas, beliefs, career paths etc.). Or, better yet.... 2. Stop believing there is a void. Allow people's attention and friendship to be "ENOUGH." Whatever it is they are willing to offer, it has to be "enough." Practice "enough." The next time you are with someone and they go to leave, let them. Practice being OK with that and saying, "Thanks for hanging out," or "OK, bye." NO matter how much it pains you. Don't try to push or force the situation. When they leave and you are once again alone, allow yourself to feel that emptiness and aloneness, but don't equate it with a VOID. It's not a void. It is simply you growing and learning what "enough" means. Like hunger pangs to someone on diet...you are merely attempting to shrink your stomach and readapt to a smaller portion of whatever it is you think you NEED. here's more on "filling the void" thelovelyaddict.com/2011/01/07/filling-the-void/love this very much !!!! |
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 16, 2019 15:20:57 GMT -8
I’ve been very love-hungry and needy most of my life. I know it has made people not want to be with me. I just feel this emptiness inside me, this void, and no matter how much attention I get, it’s never enough. The more I get, the more I want.
A few times in my life, it has been the other way around, and another person has been clingy and needy with me. So I do know what it’s like on the other side, and how the other person can feel.
I’m better at holding back and acting like I’m not needy, but the feelings are still there underneath the act.
I picked up this thread because this is exactly what I want to know: how DO you stop being needy and clingy? Not how to act like I’m not - I already know that.
Right now, my BF is lying down in the bedroom; he’s been sick today and he just needs to sleep. I’m restraining myself from going in there and putting my arms around him and cuddling up. I’m trying to remember that the cuddling and holding is what *I* want. It’s not what he wants, at least not right now. So if I went in there and did that, I’d be doing it for myself, not for him.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 8, 2019 11:05:15 GMT -8
I’m still having trouble with “clingy and needy.”
I just finished up Steps 4 and 5, and I’m on 6/7. I do have a deep desire to be a better person - whether things work out with L or not.
Being “bad” doesn't make me feel good, EVER. So I want to be good.
So, I’m not just doing self-improvement in order to get into/improve a relationship.
But my inner teenager is whining, “I’m doing the work. Can’t things go a little faster now?”
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