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Post by mlchris on Oct 28, 2012 9:58:46 GMT -8
Whenever the topic of my and my boyfriend's (who is a classic avoidant) relationship comes up, he always says I overanalyze things too much and constantly asks me to stop doing it. What exactly does he mean by this and how do I recognize it and stop doing it?
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 28, 2012 10:23:49 GMT -8
It probably means, maybe your expectation of how he should act and think, are not inline with yours. Could it be codependency?
Are you pushing for something to happen? What are your actions, to make him say this too you?
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Post by mlchris on Oct 28, 2012 10:29:12 GMT -8
I dont really know. It seems like it happens more whenever the level of our relationship comes up and Im needing him to tell me what he wants or expects from me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 28, 2012 10:32:18 GMT -8
Based on my ex classic avoidant, he did not like being asked too much. He felt he was being examined or monitored.
He said if he didn’t respond just let it go or let it be. I guess he wanted me not to be fussy and let him discover things by himself. It’s co-dependency to overanalyse things and overreact. I hated my co-dependency. That is why I did everything to change it.
I couldn’t blame my ex-avoidant for having felt smothered by it. A partner is to be respected and not treated as a project. Otherwise the relationship is no more fun but burdensome.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 28, 2012 10:34:59 GMT -8
That makes alot of sense to me and explains alot. I just wish I knew how to recognize when Im doing it and how to stop.
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 28, 2012 10:42:58 GMT -8
You know what? I refrained from asking him question unless it is critical and I don't repeat it anymore. He will voluntarily speak for himself whatever he wants or expects from you. And sometimes he doesn't know the answer too and still figuring it out for himself[/u].
So just enjoy your time together and time will reveal it. It would make things easier for you too when you free yourself from over analyzing.
It is good for your serenity as well.
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 28, 2012 11:11:01 GMT -8
You can also become more aware of it, by reading about codependency, melody beatties book are wonderful, and read daily meditation about this.
I have stop trying to control people, places and things, and i just try to let people be who they are, without expectations, because this keeps us from smothering them and it also keeps us from acting like their mother, guys do not want a mother.
It just takes practice, when your poa says something and you dont agree with him, this is when you need to look within yourself too see why you feel a need to correct the way he feels.
Most of the time is it bringing up some kind of fear and insecurities in ourselves....like fear of being alone, or not being loved, or not being good enough, it all boils down to self.....love yourself first, keep the focus on you, and just enjoy your poa without trying to change him..
And if your not happy with him the way he is, well you can move on, and just not it was not meant to be.
thx for sharing with us.
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Post by havefaith on Oct 28, 2012 14:03:35 GMT -8
I also have a tendency to over-analyze and obsess -- it is my way of trying to control a situation and steer someone/something towards what I want. It does not work. Does not. It is manipulative and smothering, and nobody wants to be manipulated and smothered. I know I don't! Also, most people don't want to belabor the same points/scenarios over and over and over again. It's exhausting. And boring. And unnecessary. Most people get it the first time.
I have to be vigilant and allow people their breathing room, lest I drive them away with these behaviors.
HaveFaith
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 29, 2012 3:29:49 GMT -8
Over-analyzing, especially when you are with an avoidant, is another symptom of love addiction. The more we analyze the other person, the farther we are from ourselves, the less we look at our own life and our own shortcomings, and the more distant we become to the REAL issue. Remember, love addiction is not about love or trying to understand your PoA. It's about avoidance of the Self. Start to recognize your analyzing as you not facing or dealing with your own issues.
I used to over-analyze all the time. I knew every psychosis and every reason why my PoA did what he did. And at the end of 3 years, what did I have to show for myself? Nothing. I had all this useless psychology in my head for this man and I still knew nothing about myself.
Analyzing others makes us great therapists. But it does not, at all, not one bit bring us closer to being healthier within ourselves. It's classic avoidance of the self.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 29, 2012 3:44:31 GMT -8
What's worse than being told to stop overanyalysing is for your PoA, or your man, to sit there letting you drone on and on like a broken record about it, nodding and agreeing, and then to just totally ignore your assessment and go on with his life as if nothing was wrong at all.
Actually it really helped me to stop doing it. I decided it would make more sense to go and talk to a wall. I still have a tendency to analyse things when I am trying to control a situation, but my interest in it seems to be waning, thank god.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 29, 2012 9:23:39 GMT -8
Ok now it makes more sense to me. It seems that Im trying to get him to open up by overanalyzing the relationship and asking him to answer questions that hes not really comfortable with. I'm also seeing that I expect everyone to be like me when it comes to opening up and i have to remember that everyone is not. I think I can recognize it more now that I understand it better.
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