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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 1, 2011 7:08:32 GMT -8
I am thinking about my mother.....she passed away on August 3rd 2011...
I am supposed to have a full day of adventure....i have a date...and its about my 6th one....we are going to this vegetarian organic...grille ...and i love their food...and i went there all the time with my mom...i am just very tearful this morning.....just thinking about my mom...her bf of 12 yrs thinks he is entitled to all of her stuff...and i am hurting about it....we did get a lawyer....I find it appalling to negotiate my mothers personal stuff....i am having a problem with closure...i want to believe she is at peace and in God's hands...my inner child wants to talk to her....and hear her voice on the phone....
I feel sad because she was a true codependent and love addict....
And i know she resented it....i feel bad....please remind me...its not of my business....why do i take on everyone else's responsiblity...ok...i feel better....i am letting it go and giving it to God...i feel like i am going to throw up....the pain is very very deep...i think that is why i feel nausea....thanks for listening
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 1, 2011 14:29:54 GMT -8
Take it easy and be gentle on yourself Sunflwrs. Sounds like you're finding your way through really well. Maybe sometime you're not busy you can write down all the things you wished for your mum to find for herself in her life, then turn them around and hear them as things you want for yourself.
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Post by sunshine on Oct 1, 2011 15:41:54 GMT -8
I'm sorry about your mom Sunflwrs. I hope your day got better. Enjoy your date. We are here for you.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 2, 2011 12:02:26 GMT -8
thanks Sunshine....just writing your name and seeing yellow....makes me smile...i love that you wrote we are here for me....that feels awesome in itself...i am here for everyone too.....my day did get better.....kinda sorta....the date thing...i dont know.....i will post what happened and u tell me....
Well he picked me up an off we went..he told me he only got 3 hrs sleep...and that his wife called to abuse him and he couldnt go back to sleep...that annoyed me....first of all i said...i dont want to hear about the name calling....because you dont have to put up with it....and for some reason u do...and then his driving was like...off alittle..either he was swirving to the left or slamming his foot on the brakes...a couple of times..not sure if it was him or not....but he said....some people tell me my driving bothers them.....does it bother you....and i said well....at times...when he slammes on the brakes...it could give someone a big jolt....and i was already in discomfort with my back...and that wasnt helping it....so he started using two hands on the wheel to stop the car from the swives....
we then go out for lunch and we get there alittle after 2...and i am already feeling alittle anxious because i love this resturant and i went there all the time with my mother....and i was hoping i was be okay with going with him...i did take lots of other people there....but my mom and i ate there alot.....and that was the last place i took her out too...before she passed away....so now i am hungry we get our appettizers and the fries are ice cold and then we wait for the meal at least 35 minutes after the appetizer...so now at this point i am getting quiet....and uncomfortable sitting that long....mind u ...the long sitting really hurts my back and my scactic nerve on my left side..
so now we are off to new hope....and at one point i told him this was not going to work...because his driving....and he kept saying yes it will.....and i said no it wont....but once he put two hands on the wheel it was better....
we get there and we walk into some stores and then we drive past peddle village...i was tire and getting hungry again....
We stop for produce junction and they were closed...then we go to 2 other stores..and back to his apartment...he cooked me veggies and a turkey burger we watched the PHillies kick butt and we leave to take me home....now it starts to pour down raining...and my anxiety is starting to kick in ....because now its dark and u cant see too good....and i am asking him can u see are u okay...and then he says yes and he is familiar with this road...and then tells me he really can only see out of one eye..due to a eye problem....and i say well this is not the time to disgust that....and i do calm myself down....so we go to my house and he asks if he can go to sleep on the little bed i have in the spare room and that he is exhausted...from only getting 3 hours sleep...i really didnt want him to drive back another hour back home....so he slept in the other small room...nothing happened every thing was good....
i wake up in the morning....and he is there and i want to make breakfast and he is next to me in the kitchen...i did make him breakfast....and we ate..and then my son dropped off my grandson ...he is 3 yrs old....and i got dressed ....and no shower mind u....and we go out....
My intention was to take out my grandson to a car show and then meet up with my date again...but he was still with me....we do the car show and the flea market and then back to my house we played alittle wii.....and i made myself lunch....my grandson couldnt make up his mind..and the date...ate a hot dog at the car show.....we had a great time...but all of sudden i am feeling overwhelmed and i tell him...okay i will walk u to the door and i am going to take my grandson home and then i have to do homework.....and so he leaves.....and i take my grandson home...i now feel like crying but i dont.....
Why am i upset....let me see
for one i am not use to all the stimuli
i was in pain with my back...very uncomfortable
my grandson...is talking and asking for everything..and then i have to explain everything
and the date is doing some weird stuff....and i think he is very clumsy...he hits my car door on the deck post and when i say dont hit my car door..he then does it again...and says he was sorry...every other word is sorry.....and me....every other sentence i am complaining about something...so now we are telling each other ...it will be a quarter for every sorry and for every complaint...i have him by 75 cents...
he walked clearly into the rail at one of the stores....when we left my house for our date..he tripped up the steps
I am afraid he is going to break things..knock things over.....at one point he said thanks for taking care of me...and i said...i like the word of encouraging u better....i can only take care of me....
I dont know what i am feeling right now...but i am definitely overwhelmed....and i need time and space...and i feel bad in a way....i did text him and i told him i was overwhelmed...and he just said...get some rest and feel better...
he is a really nice man...not physically exactly my type...he is giving and very open and honest...and communicates awesome...am i pushing him away....i dont feel the physical attraction because he goofy....am i crazy....or cautious or both or what....
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 2, 2011 12:05:25 GMT -8
he also has mentioned his wife is filing for divorce ....and that she hasnt done it yet...and that he is going to do it.....
i am feeling like...if he did the right thing....and not answer her call....everything would of been different......he wouldnt of only gotten 3 hours sleep.....and he wouldnt of stayed at my home....i would of spent time with my grandson alone...and then i could of did some home and then saw him for maybe the phillies game tonight....but it all got screwed up.....and its because he doesnt have his priorities in order.....so what do u think...
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 2, 2011 13:02:58 GMT -8
Red flags all over the place sunflwrs. Do you want a supportive partner or another dependant on you? Because he sounds like he's already a drain on you. He might be nice and generous so far but there are enough negatives in your first date (or early date, I can't remember if you said first) to throw this one back in. If this is what he's like already, when he's supposed to be on his best behaviour to secure a mate, what will he be like later when he lets himself go?
You're not crazy or cautious if you let him go, you're being discriminating, and he's no catch.
the red flags
he stayed the night 'cos he was tired (on a first date??? who does that???)
he's really clumsy and a dangerous driver
he hit (?) your car after you asked him not to (!!!)
he's STILL MARRIED
he says sorry all the time
Do you have close girlfriend Sunflwr who understands about LA and codependency? If you do, you should be talking about this stuff with her too. This board is great, but nothing beats a live friend. I really think you need some more support right now, you sound like you're dealing with a lot. Take care. xx
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 2, 2011 13:42:06 GMT -8
Big hugs. KEep your chin up. Glad to hear you are fighting for the belongings that you feel should be yours. Remember your mom is at peace now and I am sure she doesnt want you agonizing over this.
RRR
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Post by sunshine on Oct 2, 2011 13:52:37 GMT -8
I agree with jacarandagirl. The "still married" part has red flags all over it. That would be enough for me to walk away. No you are not crazy. Maybe you feel crazy but that could be your inner voice of reason telling you this guy isn't good for you.
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 2, 2011 13:53:30 GMT -8
I feel for ya. I just read your replies so I am adding some more to my previous post. I have been there. When I get too much time with a date I need my alone time too. I think he stepped over the line by asking if he could spend the night. He should have discussed that ahead of time. As for the eye thing, yes, I agree with you! He should have told you before offering to drive. The other red flag I see is he is still married. I made that mistake once. Never again. I stuck with my bf through his divorce and it was the divorce from hell that I should never have been a part of.
One more thing to watch out for (keep your radar on high) is subjecting someone to unsafe driving is considered abusive. I was in that situation too. I had an abusive bf once. His driving was plain scary! I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and learned all about abuse. And one of the things he said in the book was subjecting you to unsafe driving is a sign of abuse. Not to scare ya but just keep your radar on high.
RRR
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Post by sunshine on Oct 2, 2011 13:54:06 GMT -8
Glad my screen name and avatar make you happy. They do the same for me. I picked a name that would be uplifting when I saw it.  |
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 2, 2011 14:56:09 GMT -8
My sympathy and condolences on losing your mom. I know what it's like to lose a mom -- mine died 12 years ago, when I was 40. The grieving process is a long one; mine was complicated because I was a victim of covert incest because of my mother. She was not well emotionally and, at the age of 15, she introduced me to the world of adult sexuality. Long story, but it started me down the road of sex/love addiction.
As others have said, I also would caution you to tread carefully with this man, since he is married. It makes him emotionally and legally unavailable -- a toxic situation for a Love Addict.
HaveFaith
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Post by sillypoppet on Oct 2, 2011 17:27:00 GMT -8
Sunflower,
I can't imagine what you are going through... I wish that I could give you a big hug and sit down with you over a cup of tea. I have lost family members, but not someone who is as close to me as my mother. I would be heartbroken too.
I think that you are aware that something is not quite right with your date... hence, why you are writing us here about it. I'm currently not dating right now, but I can only imagine what would happen if I was... we try to watch out for the red flags, but the old LA habits sneak up on us. I think that eventually you will do what is right for you. You are grieving right now, and I think that it's natural to want companionship... but, maybe it's not the right timing for romantic companionship. For me, when I do date again, I want to be sure that I'm emotionally ready. Grieving can be very emotionally consuming, and it might not be very fair to yourself to throw in a new relationship on top of it.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 2, 2011 20:25:21 GMT -8
jacarandagirl....i will be making a call in the morning....actually that was a great point....we stopped chatting about him...i introduced him to her...and she liked him alot ...she thought he was very sincere...... thanks Runrunrun....some how i need the reminders...not sure why i forget...but i do....i feel alot of peace just thinking about her being in peace...and she wouldnt want this for me...yes i do need the radars on...and if it continues the next time....i wont go in his car anymore....i dont want the drama anymore.... sunshine...i do get the married part...and i will take it one day at a time....thank u thanks havefaith...sorry about the incest....i appreciate about the tread lightly...we already spoke about him divorcing an not going any further....until ...the 3 rd person is out.....on both ends...he has been here ...its been over 30 days.....he does seem available.....to come over to call to go out.....he is listening to me...and validating my feelings....we shall see...One day at a time for me...and he agreed for him as well... hi sillypopet...i can feel the big hug.......thanks...heres back at ya.....hugs to u from me....i am not ready for a romantic companionship...we have already discussed it and we both agree.....we are building a friendship....we shall see.....thanks eveyone..........cheers to ya Sun |
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