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Post by iamastar on Dec 7, 2011 12:53:37 GMT -8
Hey everyone!
Genereally, i'd say i'm doing great lately. Studying for my exams, not obsessing about my POA, taking care of me and so on.
BUT
I've had this net-dating profile for almost a year now. I have used it a little bit, but generally stayed away from it, because I am in recovery and not ready. A few weeks ago, I exchanged a few letters with a guy, who seemed pretty witty and fun. This went on for a week or so - nothing really intense, but still nice.
Then I gave him my number, and he started texting me. We decided to meet for coffee last sunday, but then he cancelled the date and "dumped" me, becuse he said I "Tried to alter his self-perception". He was being pretty rude. I thought this was hilarious, to be honest. I told him that no one could alter his self-perception except for himself, and then NOT to write me again when he needed an ego-boost (I told him flat out that I wasn't going to answer - and I haven't)
I hate it when guys waste my time, and I felt as if he was being dominant and pushy in some areas, so I put up my boundaries and left it there - furthermore, I have no emotional attachments to this guy, I haven't even met him.
This is a week ago. Since then i've recieved one text per day from him, ranging from
"Now it's time to tell me how sad/angry/disillusioned/dissapointed you are about being dumped"
to
"I have decided to forgive you, when will the date be"
to
"I'm sorry for being such a jerk and showing my true colours so quickly"
Obviously, I am not going to answer. I don't need people like this in my life, and I just have a bad feeling about this one... He isn't healthy, and neither am I.
Then it hit me.
What am I doing on a netdating site anyway? I felt proud for setting up my boundaries, but I was the one who chose to put myself out there in the first place. And I gave him my number.
I am addicted to the attention and thrill of being chased like this. You guys should see my face everytime I recieve a text from him - I'm elated. Sometimes I even consider (for a brief moment) answering, just to get him worked up and thinking there's hope. It's almost sadistic, and now I feel so low and angry with myself because I am STILL behaving like this.
I know it sounds crazy, but I didn't realize what I was doing before I started this post. I was trying to figure out whether HE was trustworthy or not, but that's not even an issue.
This isn't particularly hurtful to me, but I realize my biggest problem with LA isn't falling in love head over heals with untrustworthy people (I rarely do that), but continuesly luring guys in and making them chase me for one reason or another. To be "fair", I would have just gone on the date with him without causing any drama, had he not "dumped" me, but who cares.
I am wasting my energy, my time, MY LIFE, on these meaningless games, and it seems I am unwilling to do anything about it before it hurts.
Not this time.
Not this time.
Not this time.
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Post by iamastar on Dec 7, 2011 14:36:41 GMT -8
thanks paisly, your reply really pulled me back down to earth. I talked to my sister about this too, and she says he seems pretty crazy, to say the least.
I don't think online dating is working for me either, and i'm not desperate to date at this time (And when I do date again, I shouldn't be).
Normally I just check my account once a week, and look at all the letters i've got. I never answer any of them, this one guy was an exception. I'm ashamed to say it, but this incident forced me to think about that behaviour. It boosts my self-confidence (the bad, narcissistic one) to feel wanted by men. And that's my only reason for having it, really. It's not the end of the world, but I have to face myself without my weekly "hit".
Using is using after all, and I want to change, and be the best I can be.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 7, 2011 14:52:52 GMT -8
This person is NUTS and you want to stay away form him. There are levels of "unhealthy" and this one seems pretty deep. Good call on not responding. COntinue to not respond. If he doesn't get the hint, you may have to send a quick text that firmly, but gently says, "I'm sorry, but I've moved on..." or something to that effect.
This kind of attention does boost your ego indeed. It used to boost mine. And then one day I thought, geeze, how shallow am I to get high off of something so stuffpy. Keep up the awesome soul searching and try to lose the texting clown.
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Post by whydylan on Dec 7, 2011 15:22:57 GMT -8
Dear Iamstar , I so sorry that happened to you and I think you handled the situation perfect. I agree to loose this guy asap. BUT .... I think on line dating has many many plus as minus ( just like any other situation) I met my husband on line and many of my friends got married or had serious relationship from various sites. It is not at all " desperate " to date on line but simply move with time. To me its sure beating bugging your friends to sat you up , hang out on bars or looking it every guy at Starbucks line. If handled correctly it can be a wonderful experience and bring fantastic people in your life otherwise you would have never met. Just be careful ( as you are so aware ) and take it step by step. You are doing great  |
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Post by happyberry on Dec 7, 2011 15:28:13 GMT -8
RED FLAGS ALL OVER
he's showing you his insanity right now!
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Post by iamastar on Dec 7, 2011 15:36:15 GMT -8
LJ / you are absolutely right, as always. It's good to know i'm not the only one, sometimes I feel like hiding myself away from the world when I face these cruel sides of myself. I have to remember it isn't all that I am. Writing it out here has, once again, helped me deal with it. whydylan / You certainly have a point. I am not critizizing online dating in general, and I know there might be plus sides as well. The reason I agreed to going on this date, was after talking to a friend (he is gay) that meets lots of guys online and goes on casual dates. He made it sound like it wasn't a big deal, lots of fun and "Hey, what's the worst that can happen?". But for me, personally, right now isn't the right time to date at all. Unlike a lot of people here, I don't have a date where I can begin looking again, or a period of time where I must stay single (I used to, but that expired). This is mainly because I don't want my life to be that rigid, I honestly think that if I force a time-frame upon myself, I will be more likely to break that promise. So what i'm saying is, now isn't the right time, and I don't know when i'm ready again. Lots of light, and thank you for being here. |
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Post by iamastar on Dec 7, 2011 15:39:57 GMT -8
happyberry / Yep, not in denial about that at all. I told him I wouldn't answer if he contacted me again when he dumped me. I can't reply without losing dignity, which is great. I won't write him and tell him to stop contacting me, because even that would just make him try harder.
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Post by runrunrun on Dec 7, 2011 18:38:32 GMT -8
You are willing to do something about it because you are here admitting and being honest. Thats something. We all have our thing. What you are experiencing is the high of the addiction. Its common to love the attention from a man when youre a love addict. We understand what youre going through having been there done that.
And you are making progress. Youre spotting your issues and you are here discussing them with folks who are also in recovery. Thats all part of the recovery process.
Its common to take 2 steps forward and one back. Dont let that concept derail you.
I hear it in meetings each week. "I slipped". Yep we all slip. Its a lifetime of habit we are trying to change. Its going to take time and effort and many slips.
Keep plugging away.
RRR
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Post by calvin on Dec 8, 2011 1:39:13 GMT -8
iamastar - I'm with you on the online dating thing... I have realised that its not healthy for me - so much of being online was just an extension of acting out LA, the search and thrill of the chase without really wanting to find anything at the end of it. It was just another activity I could use to stop me spending time with myself. And my PoA was on tens of sites, going off regularly on 'dates', which really were just preludes to a sex-meet. Gay 'dating' sites are on the whole ways to meet for sex and are not about long term mutually rewarding relationships, and if your head is ok with that (as your gay friend is) then that's great. But as an LA, its like an alcoholic taking shots of unknown drinks, some of which are alcoholic. It only takes one hit...
I found that the sites reduced me to a tick-box list of attributes and superficial photograph; all the ingredients for an unhealthy attachment or heartbreak.
So I deleted all my profiles about 9 months ago, and handed it over to my HP. If I want to meet anyone, I'll have to go out and be social and do it. Meet friends, chat to people and be open to meeting someone who sparks my interest.
That said, I'm officially 'off the market' for the moment. This has given me a great feeling of liberation, not to have to be on the hunt for someone, to be single out of choice rather than feeling that I'm just stuff at getting someone. As you say, now is not the right time. I've got other things about myself that need my attention first...
I wish you strength and continued insight x
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Post by newbie on Dec 8, 2011 3:47:21 GMT -8
God, im absoltely cringing because i usually am the chronic texter to a POA i have dated, it's such a terrible, terrible habbit, however, i would not do this to a person i have never met, or accuse someone of altering my self perception, that screams no self respect, love, or self esteem. Dont respond, he'll give up soon! I reckon if you respond you wont see the back of him.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 8, 2011 4:53:26 GMT -8
While we are in recovery from LA, why are we still going on sites or anywhere looking for someone? We really need to focus on ourselves, and get to the bottom of what is really going on with us, ie:self-esteem, self-love, just self. We are still trying to fill a void, and as long as we are still looking for someone else, we are not looking at ourselves. Just do 24 hours at a time. Just like alcohol or drugs. just for today i will focus completely on myself and my needs. what makes you happy? not who can make me happy.
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Post by iamastar on Dec 8, 2011 6:02:29 GMT -8
Thank you everyone, for affirming what I already know is true. I haven't answered him, and I won't. Calvin and Carolyn, you are so right about me not being "alone with myself" as long as I am doing this online dating-thing. That being said, everything is a matter of moderation. I don't check my profile everyday, and this is the first guy i've ever responded to, but I have become concious about what I was doing there, and I won't check my profile again for at least a month - that's a "new rule" I just made. If I am really that in control, I can go a month without, right? I really want and need this time to be for me, because i've never had an opportunity like this before in my life. I've been (more or less) in relationships from I was 14 until 7 months ago, when I started recovery. I had a boyfriend in that time even, but we only spoke once a week, and hardly ever saw each other... So, in a lot of ways, I felt like I was still single, or at least "on my own". I have to remember how many times I have been wanting this in the past 7 years. I cannot count how many times I have wished that I could just be alone, figure myself out, and depend on ME only. It's funny how that sense of loneliness and uncertainty gets to me, when in reality, things couldn't be much better. And then I just realized, I have almost 7 months of NC (except for virtual slips, but I haven't made contact). Wow, this has been a fight, and it's not over yet, but I have made real, traceable progress, and I can see permanent improvement in my behaviour, thougths and attitude towards life. Thank you for listening, and for your kind advice. Carolyn, I really admire your courage, wisdom and strength on this board. You seem to have gotten to a healthy and happy place. newbie // I think you're when, when you're saying that IF I replied and got involved with him, he would be long gone. Here's one for sanity! |
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Post by nvr2late on Dec 8, 2011 13:30:16 GMT -8
Oh my.
Well, the others have said what I would say (he's nuts and stay away. Run, Forrest, RUN!!).
But I want to comment on how you're embracing the advice and insights. That's good, Iamastar.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 8, 2011 14:24:58 GMT -8
imastar, I have learned alot while being in AA for 2.5 yrs, sometimes you just have to give up the fight. And just get up control b/c we have no control over how other people act and the choices they make. I dont have it all figured out, ive just stop trying to control people, places and things. And I leave it too my HP to do the rest. Recovery is not easy, but it is better than any day I had when I was drinking. I have a little headache right now, b/c I miss my poa. But I just not acting on my will anymore. Iam going to a meeting, and then dirty santa party afterwards. Food, fun, laughs, and fellowship with my AA family. And thanks for your kinds words, b/c sometimes i wonder if i make any sense. lol
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Post by runrunrun on Dec 8, 2011 14:29:49 GMT -8
"I cannot count how many times I have wished that I could just be alone, figure myself out, and depend on ME only"
If thats what you want then go for it. I am doing it and I am happier now than ever before.
RRR
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Post by sillypoppet on Dec 8, 2011 16:00:24 GMT -8
Wow, that guy is a FREAK. I actually laughed when I read that. STAY AWAY. RUN.
Keep up the good work and don't respond to him. I agree, it is nice to have attention, but the good kind. He would most certainly drive you nuts.
It was funny, because when I started reading your post I was like, "Now why is she on a dating website? Didn't she just end things with a guy she was seeing?" So, I was glad that you questioned the underlying reason. Dating websites are TRAPS for people in recovery. I went to one the other day, well, because I wanted to see what I was missing out on (haha, a.k.a. playing with the temptation to "use" the drug). I used do the online dating thing a lot. But this time when I went on there, I was discouraged. I looked at all of the people "looking for love," and I wondered who they really are. My profile has been deactivated since last October, but it had stored all of my information. I went in and took off all my pictures etc. I really don't want my personal information floating around on the internet.
Anyways, long story short, you sound like you are doing much better. Is it possible to block that guy's number? That would ultimately be the best way to avoid the highs of his attempts (also, it would help you prevent slipping up and responding).
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Post by iamastar on Dec 9, 2011 8:44:28 GMT -8
sillypoppet / Yearh, this is so far out, it kinda sounds like a parody. The latest one was "I want to apologize, but mostly to myself for losing something potentionally good"... Let's just leave it there.
I haven't deleted my page yet, but I won't go there for another 29 days. And when I go there again, I think i'll delete it. I've realized that nothing good will come from it. My phone is (luckily) in my fathers name, so if he tries to look up my adress based on my number, he will get my fathers, which is in the other end of the country. Plus, he only has my first name. He'll never find me.
The texting has died down, and I haven't felt tempted to respond since I wrote the first post (one of the reasons I started it was because I felt tempted. After reading your responses my brain started working again).
I am doing really well right now, and I hope you are too!
Lots of light
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Post by person on Dec 9, 2011 22:18:27 GMT -8
This guy has some type of mental illness, he is not well. Just ignore his texts.
As far as dating sites are concerned, I don't see anything wrong with using them, except that one needs to be careful screening people who contact you and like someone gave me advice, think about them as trying cloth on, if it fits, look further, if it does not, move on. So, don't delete your page, not everybody is crazy or bad, many are, but not everybody. You never know what might come out of it.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 11, 2011 4:40:28 GMT -8
I find it HUGELY counterproductive for a love addict who has not yet recovered to be on a dating site. No one can tell you what to do, iamastar, but if you are serious about recovery, it may be a good idea to put dating and online dating on the back burner for awhile. This kind of behavior is like an alcoholic hanging out in bars, saying "nope, I'm not gonna drink." This is YOUR time to work on YOU. It won't last forever. Trust me |
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Post by iamastar on Dec 11, 2011 8:53:07 GMT -8
I agree LJ, as it has been stated here throughout the thread, this datingwebsite was just a way for me to get a hit.
It amazes me how much of a battle keeping sane and clean really is - sometimes I slip without even realizing. But I do want to recover, and I do want to get better on my own. The hard way is the only way.
And this experience has really shown me what I can do to myself on these kinds of sites. Had this been a year ago, I would now be in the claws of mr. Insane, trying to "figure out why he is so strange" and "playing the game" and whatnot. Why would I want to put myself in a place where the odds of that happening is 10 times bigger than in real life?
Real life dating isn't in the picture either. I wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship right now, and I can't handle the responsibility and emotional obligations that comes with it.
And I am not 100% over my POA yet (even though I thought I was countless times...)
I'm letting go and letting God, I don't want to get sucked into any more misery at this point in my life.
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Post by sillypoppet on Dec 13, 2011 17:32:39 GMT -8
BINGO! Yes, that's exactly what I figured out (haha LJ only had to remind me 50 times). There is nothing wrong with online dating.... BUT wait until you are further into recovery. Until you can get a handle on yourself and your non romantic relationships, you shouldn't date. This usually takes months, so if LA tries to trick you after 3 months ("I feel all better") I would seriously question it. These are life time maladaptive coping skills. They're not going to disappear over night.
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