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Post by newbie on Dec 5, 2011 9:50:27 GMT -8
Okay so I broke up with someone end of September and started nc shortly afterwards, I'm doing well not feeling like a vitim, understanding that there's no knight in shining armour and that I wasn't abandoned.
It may be because I read about narcisict qualities, that they never tend to feel they have done wrong that I feel I will be cheated from justice. Its not owed to me, I have no right to it, I don't know for sure he meets the text book description of narcisist but I just wonder, if he feels no guilt for treated me badly, does that mean he gets off free?? I feel there's a lack of justice.
Work is getting on top of me today as I feel I'm being exploited to the max and that I'm not very assertive, perhaps that's also making me want this justice, to justify the pain of work and feeling like I'm drowning. Anyway today I feel tired and like I could cry. HALT perhaps.
Anyway, I feel sad there is no justice in love, you have no choice but to walk away and accept poor treatment. Stick to nc and just try to heal, I'm having a hard time with that, perhaps my inner child stressful day. Plan to address work tomorrow and my pain of a manager! ):
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Post by newbie on Dec 5, 2011 9:54:59 GMT -8
There should be a court of love really, with cupid as the judge and a heavy penalty for the offender, although I'm sure I'd do time too! Hufffffffff, ): I am learning and recovering, but when does it get easier? I read ljs blog and saw an article abot the persona of an avoidant man, so he meets it, 38 never been married or serious relationship, so I've learnt how to pick them, just sick of leaerning!
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 10:44:57 GMT -8
Post by go12 on Dec 5, 2011 10:44:57 GMT -8
I don’t know your story and I’m sorry that you felt that way. Let me share w/ you what I read in a book: “Detachment is no longer feeling unfairly treated.” That what others are doing doesn’t have to define us, diminish us, or affect us in any way. “We can decide, once and for all, to never consider ourselves unfairly treated. What happens to us or around us is an opportunity to make an observation, say a prayer, and then move on. What freedom there is in that!”
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Post by happyberry on Dec 5, 2011 11:10:42 GMT -8
from my own experience I can tell you that there usually is some form of justice, just not in our time on our terms.
I was so angry at my PoA and he displayed narcissistic traits as well. A few years later, I am happily married and he is still in his miserable cycle of relationships.
Let go and let your HP take care of everything.
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 11:26:35 GMT -8
Post by gemmrose1 on Dec 5, 2011 11:26:35 GMT -8
I have this on my wall.
I fill myself with love,
and I sent that out into the world.
How others treat me is their path;
how I react is mine.
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 11:41:10 GMT -8
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Dec 5, 2011 11:41:10 GMT -8
great thread and post...i look at like this.....i ask my hp this...God bless them and change me...and i let go and let God....and detach....and stick with my recovery.....only....they have their own hp...its all about lessons in life....when we learn them we can move on to the next phrase....when we dont learn..it continues.......let go.......i sometimes have to go down the shore and pick up those beautiful broken shells that no one bothers with ..and i throw them in,.as i say all of my negative feelings and thougths...and then i feel more balanced again..and i have peace and serenity....Sun
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 13:03:24 GMT -8
Post by nvr2late on Dec 5, 2011 13:03:24 GMT -8
Hoping for justice (revenge, retribution, whatever...) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
It doesn't work and it only hurts us. Let go and let God deal with him. Concentrate now on your recovery and build a loving support system for yourself.
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 13:28:04 GMT -8
Post by nvr2late on Dec 5, 2011 13:28:04 GMT -8
Paisley, I really relate to your post. I was in love with my husband. I was addicted in the recent years to the relationship. Fear of being without a man and all that.
But learning to detach, I found this prayer and it's on my fridge so I can see it and say it each day:
"Wherever he goes Lord, please go with him. May he be blessed in all his doings. Please protect him. Bring him joy. May he always be happy. May he always be loved, May he find his way. Amen"
It's hard to remain bitter and angry at a person when you are praying this for them.
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 14:36:14 GMT -8
Post by newbie on Dec 5, 2011 14:36:14 GMT -8
Thanks all, I just feel sad because I emotionally invested and have been in addictive relationships before, this time I didn't think I would end abruptly, he ended it. I'm just tired. I do wish him well, I don't believe in revenge and all. Just think feelings are raw now guess I need more time. I used to believe in the concept of getting closure from someone, now I know that's hardly the case, I used to believe I had the right to get angry with an ex poa, now I know I don't.
I guess just walking and letting my HP deal with it, letting go of control, is new to me. To just walk and let go is what I'm doing but it almost feels wrong, but right, its tough but very dignified and I like that. I know with time ill get better, I miss him to, we had good times together he didn't really treat me badly, it was just one disagreement and the avoidant bollted, no discussionn nothing. I did send a few angry emails, he didn't respond and so I walkedm
I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, its just feeling pain and sadness sometimes, I know I don't want him back, nor will we get back together, its just sad and I guess I don't want justice really, just for him to know he hurt me, not that it would change things
Anyway, feel better now love my HP!! Always there for me, takes away my pain, deals with my problems. Thanks all. I will be fine, just tough day at work to, one day at a time!i
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 14:57:06 GMT -8
Post by Herenow on Dec 5, 2011 14:57:06 GMT -8
Newbie Justice, well they don't feel, they don't feel ANYTHING!! That is justice, they don't get off scott free, they are just out there running their numbers on anyone vulnerable enough or damaged enough to engage them. They don't ever get to be happy, they don't change, they don't find a perfect happily ever after mate, they just keep doing what they have always done! And good for you to walk away. It took me a long time in al-anon and reading all that I could on narcissists to really get they don't feel. I don't care how much pain I have to endure to recover at least I feel. Good for you congratulations on working you way through this ps a good book on narcissists is The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists. It helped me understand thecloset narcissist that I was married to Again good luck
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 15:44:11 GMT -8
Post by leighanne885 on Dec 5, 2011 15:44:11 GMT -8
Newbie,
I can definetely relate to you on this... My POA ended things with me one week ago. I'm extremely hurt and everyday is hard. I too can't seem to get past what he is feeling and thinking. I want him to hurt as much as I hurt. I want him to regret his decision. As Paisley said,' I think we always hope they'll see the light and realize they've made a mistake..until we've truly moved on.' A fantasy that I have (that I really should let go of, and that is unfair to those who are innocent in this) is that he misses me so much and is in pain that he never gets over it, and his wife realizes it. So they both suffer.
It only seems fair that he feel what I am feeling... The pain, the loss.
I am confident that in time, with the right amount of effort, these feelings will subside. Which is hard to accept in itself.
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 17:01:22 GMT -8
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Dec 5, 2011 17:01:22 GMT -8
Hey go12 I like that quote. Detatchment feels like Freedom. True True True...
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 22:21:34 GMT -8
Post by sillypoppet on Dec 5, 2011 22:21:34 GMT -8
Wow, look at all of the responses... everyone can relate to this.
Sometimes I get p*ssed at my exes and sometimes I feel sorry for them. I'm a christian though, and I know that hate isn't a part of God's plan. I have done some really awful things to other people too. In the end, God is the only one who is capable of judging. He is the only one who can give justice. Perhaps that justice is similar to what HB was talking about... the justice of moving on in recovery and creating a better life for yourself.
Forgiveness is a bitter pill you swallow in order to let go. Yes, it is NOT fun having to walk away after getting your heart ripped out. But from my own experience it has not all been for nothing. I have met some really amazing people and experienced so many great new things. Those toxic relationships held me back.
What have you gained from this relationship ending?
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justice
Dec 5, 2011 22:58:06 GMT -8
Post by ramaplame on Dec 5, 2011 22:58:06 GMT -8
So thankful for all of these comments. I was feeling the same way, newbie, and now I have all these amazing quotes to write inside my journal and meditate on. This forum rocks.
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Post by nvr2late on Dec 6, 2011 7:13:30 GMT -8
Wow, look at all of the responses... everyone can relate to this. Sometimes I get p*ssed at my exes and sometimes I feel sorry for them. I'm a christian though, and I know that hate isn't a part of God's plan. I have done some really awful things to other people too. In the end, God is the only one who is capable of judging. He is the only one who can give justice. Perhaps that justice is similar to what HB was talking about... the justice of moving on in recovery and creating a better life for yourself. Forgiveness is a bitter pill you swallow in order to let go. Yes, it is NOT fun having to walk away after getting your heart ripped out. But from my own experience it has not all been for nothing. I have met some really amazing people and experienced so many great new things. Those toxic relationships held me back. What have you gained from this relationship ending? Just had to quote this. It brings up a new concept I learned last week doing Step 5 with my sponsor: qualifier. My RoA or PoA, depending on your view, is my qualifier. He or the relationship is what got me into recovery. For that I can be grateful at times when finding something to be grateful for is so hard.
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Post by happyberry on Dec 6, 2011 8:36:50 GMT -8
amen, Nvr! I always am greatful to my POA for that. Because of him I found freedom through the program!
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Post by newbie on Dec 6, 2011 9:04:04 GMT -8
Agree he has made me self aware. When I met him I was reading lots on this board, a little over weight and a bit insecure, very acommodating for the narcisist. So now sillypoppet I've learnt I need to carry on loving myself and being self confident. Its not enough to identify red flags deep into dating and when in troubled relationships, when you initially meet a man you need to have real confidence, love yourself and communicate that. He even said to me, when I'm with a girl like you I think"what's the worst you can do to me?" I questioned him, and it upset me, he said I didn't quite uderstand. So basically, I think he saw very nice, acommodating, easy to control, weak!! Well people always tell me I'm such a kind person, so I don't know if that's what he saw or a weak needy LA. Either way I need to love myself and feel confident I didn't then, I realise now and thank god we had our disagreement after 3 months as if we didn't things could have been so much worse.
I think we suffer more when we break up from unhealthy relationships because I ended it with someone last year and we didn't feel resentful at all, infact we are really pleasant with one another, he is what I would call healthy, I just found him a little immature. With the poa things were intense, he rushed me, he was buying me gifts and caling me frequently, taking me out all the time. I was highly stressed and then we had a disagreement and he ended it wihout a word. Felt like I came out of a car wreck, it was the emotional roller coaster ride. Then you come out wanting justice and answers, but the answers are clear. Its just the emotions and la tricking me.
I'm grateful for recovery. And this experience has made me wiser. c
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justice
Dec 6, 2011 21:39:58 GMT -8
Post by sillypoppet on Dec 6, 2011 21:39:58 GMT -8
Nvr2late- that is a HUGE plus! Seriously, I am SO thankful that I was led into recovery. I can't imagine going back to life the way I was living it before. Having a PoA lead you into recovery is a gift... because some people will go their ENTIRE lives suffering from addictions. Recovery gives you the option to change and to be free.
Newbie- I like your positive spin on the situation. It ended quickly, which saved you time and more heartache. It was amazing because I actually had this very conversation with my best friend today. Tonight she broke-up with her PoA of 5 years (granted she doesn't believe that she's a love addict). She said almost the exact same thing as you! This post was great because it gave me some words of comfort for her. I know that she's still suffering, but I told her the same thing that HB said- she's been given the opportunity to move on with her life and become a better person. Even though it really hurts when it happens, it's a blessing in disguise (and yes you can totally use that against me the next time I come here moping around about a boy).
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Post by runrunrun on Dec 10, 2011 4:39:57 GMT -8
Our justice is moving on with our lives and getting our act together.
Learning to let go is also your justice. This will help you in all areas of your life. Its the serenity prayer. Change what you can. Let go of the rest.
How did the thing at work go? Did you talk to your boss? I can relate to the work issues. I feel the same way. Exploited. Well I cant talk to my boss. I cant change him. I am on a path different from the path my boss wants us to take at work. So I am the one who must go. I am putting my plan into place as I speak.
I cant change safety of aviation in this country. But I can let go of it and move on to a career that better suits me.
RRR
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