Post by sunflwrs4evr on Dec 17, 2011 8:39:52 GMT -8
Yesterday I get a call from my father and he leaves a message and says, you dont have to call me back, I am coming over to get my camera. Now keep in mind the last time i saw him was on Thanksgiving at my brothers. Probably the first Thanksgiving since childhood, he has been out of my life for the most part and due to his narcissist and toxic stuff, I had to stay away. About 10 yrs ago, he gave me this really nice 35mm camera, I stopped using due to the fact that the flash would not go off and it cost too much to have the film developed and with the flash not working right. Anyway he asked me about 5 yrs ago for the camera back and I said no, because its really the only thing i have from him and i told him he just wanted to pawn it anyway and he said ok. Now this time tells me other things.
I went so back into my inner child it scared me to death. Just the fear of hearing the threat that he is coming over my house. The fear I felt and remembered as a little girl and not having anyone to save me but myself. I truly felt it for awhile and omg was i terrified. My sponsor said just mail it back to him. I said at first I am giving it back that is all i have that he gave me, except for all of the mental, physical, and emotional abuse. I told my brother what happened and he said dont give him back the camera and he asked if i wanted him to talk to him, i said no.
Triggers that came up for me were the threat of his words, his being, that he could hurt me in a heartbeat, even kill me if he wanted to, when i was that little innocent beautiful little girl. All i wanted to do was to please him and nothing i could do was good enough. I was the first in my family to graduate high school and that was still not good enough. I will be graduating in 2013 with my Masters Degree as a Licensed Professional Counselor and no one in my family that I know of has more than a high school diploma. Since being in recovery, its not about this for people like my father. God how did i ever survive this, its really sad to think of how this thing tortured all of us growing up. I will not allow him to do that to me again.
What scared me yesterday after I was triggered was clearly, I use to eat these feelings away, I use to do drugs, smoked cigarettes, drink, act out with la, I am done all of that, I need to feel it to heal it. One day at a time..Thanks for listening, I feel better, and waiting for my hp to let me know what to do about the camera. I would rather just drop it off at his house so there is nothing else he has on me. Sun
I went so back into my inner child it scared me to death. Just the fear of hearing the threat that he is coming over my house. The fear I felt and remembered as a little girl and not having anyone to save me but myself. I truly felt it for awhile and omg was i terrified. My sponsor said just mail it back to him. I said at first I am giving it back that is all i have that he gave me, except for all of the mental, physical, and emotional abuse. I told my brother what happened and he said dont give him back the camera and he asked if i wanted him to talk to him, i said no.
Triggers that came up for me were the threat of his words, his being, that he could hurt me in a heartbeat, even kill me if he wanted to, when i was that little innocent beautiful little girl. All i wanted to do was to please him and nothing i could do was good enough. I was the first in my family to graduate high school and that was still not good enough. I will be graduating in 2013 with my Masters Degree as a Licensed Professional Counselor and no one in my family that I know of has more than a high school diploma. Since being in recovery, its not about this for people like my father. God how did i ever survive this, its really sad to think of how this thing tortured all of us growing up. I will not allow him to do that to me again.
What scared me yesterday after I was triggered was clearly, I use to eat these feelings away, I use to do drugs, smoked cigarettes, drink, act out with la, I am done all of that, I need to feel it to heal it. One day at a time..Thanks for listening, I feel better, and waiting for my hp to let me know what to do about the camera. I would rather just drop it off at his house so there is nothing else he has on me. Sun
