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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 4, 2012 12:17:06 GMT -8
From Baggage Reclaim "When all is said and done and you strip away the great sex from a casual sex arrangement, what are you left with? If it's saddle sore, a wet patch, or someone who doesn't really know much about you or want the relationship you want, it's like clutching at pubic straws. Don't sell yourself short." Well, that really sums it up nicely. I can add cystitis to that list. From Susan . . .
I am going to leave this thread alone even though this board is about love addiction.
Many people confuse sex addiction with romance addiction.
If you bond even a little you are a romance/love addict.
If it is all about the orgasm and no bonding occurs (pornography, prostitutes, excessive masturbation, one-night stands), we are talking sex addiction. |
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Post by Freetolive on Nov 4, 2012 12:45:56 GMT -8
Good one, minus cystitis.
I think I finally got to the end of this sexual addiction cycle...well at least for now. The casual sex just doesn't work for me anymore. I want more out of a relationship than just sex. What a change in mindset.
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 4, 2012 17:05:12 GMT -8
It really only alleviates the pain temporarily, then you find that you're lonelier.
Whoever came up with "friends with benefits" has really caused a lot of hurt and confusion.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 4, 2012 20:17:42 GMT -8
Yeah, there should be a new term for it. "Friends with added pain and complications" maybe? See you guys in a week, I'm off for a holiday!
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Post by brainhealth on Nov 4, 2012 22:11:13 GMT -8
"Cystitus",- try Echina (Echinaforce) and about 5000-8000 mg of good vitamin C
Brainhealth
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 4, 2012 22:12:01 GMT -8
Have a fun holiday!
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Phoenix43
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Post by Phoenix43 on Apr 8, 2013 12:59:42 GMT -8
Yes, casual sex makes you feel lonelier when it's over (and you waste so much time hunting for it). I'm avoiding all kinds of dating now, romantic or casual. And avoiding masturbation. It's like giving up cigarettes, it gets easier with time. Frankly, I miss hugs and cuddling more than I miss sex. I would love to sleep cuddling somebody, sex-free. I'm obsessing about that, not sex.
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Post by Freetolive on Apr 9, 2013 1:53:38 GMT -8
Yeah, "just" sex seems so meaningless today. Even if the sex is the way I want it. It's really all about me. So, one day at a time, I'm staying away from the quick "sand" fixes.
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Post by swilly on Apr 11, 2013 13:43:29 GMT -8
wow!!!
I do love having a mens perspective on this site since i'm trying desperately to figure out my PoA. I know I NEED to focus on me, but I DO focus more on me when I get answers about the poA. I feel more power when I know what he's doing, then I can react accordingly, and yes, move on and away.
MEN: feel free to explain why sex always enters your mind first when you see a pretty woman. And why some men can have sex with a woman and not want to call her the next day? didn't you FEEL any love for her at all afterwards. I don't think I could just have sex with someone I didn't have feeling for. Men can have sex anytime anywhere with any woman. I know it's wiring and brain differences. Please don't be offended by my questions. I just want to know what goes on in the mind of a man sometimes.
Thanks!!!! please know I do love men, I had a wonderful father and wonderful brothers and I have nothing against men. REALLY!
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Post by swilly on Apr 11, 2013 13:47:47 GMT -8
Phoenix,
Wow, I love to hear a man say that!!!
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 11, 2013 18:36:23 GMT -8
swilly I can tell the men on here are different from the ones on most dating sites, they are usually the player types who have sex with any woman. You see them on the same site for years and they always say they're too busy for a relationship, and you know they're up to no good.
The men on here are more of the type of men who want more of a relationship with a woman yet scare her off or it's a love triangle with one or both being married to others.
Believe me I used to overanalyze my POA yet when you go through withdrawal it doesn't matter anymore! He could be smoking weed now and I would not know why nor care. Human behavior does not always have a rational explanation.
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Post by swilly on Apr 12, 2013 7:17:20 GMT -8
I'm not too familiar with dating sites and how they go about hooking people up, but on tv they say it works like magic.
My PoA is a player and does go on match .com. I thought that was a place to find a marriage partner. can people go on dating sites just to find friends with benefits? How does all that work?
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 12, 2013 7:26:07 GMT -8
swilly,
Trust me there are a ton of men on match.com and other dating sites who say they want relationships and are total players. I have divorced friends who have found out that the guy has a 5 woman rotation. It's even worse on the free sites like Plentyoffish and OKCupid, for sex addicts that's like shooting targets in a barrell.
I was on a weight training relationship board for men pretending to be a man so I could "figure them out" (LOL in retrospect, what a waste of time in comparison to this board and recovery!) and I saw how the men talked back and forth to each other, how they could get single mothers for easy sex online because they're lonely. It was really eye-opening and made me completely jaded on men. Now i realize that I had my faults too and I attracted unhealthy men.
You'll find yourself at more peace to not try to figure out unhealthy men and post here instead.
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 12, 2013 8:15:44 GMT -8
Approach with extreme caution. A dear friend of mine was in (what she thought was) a committed, monogamous relationship with a man -- she found his profile set up on a dating website wherein he stated he was looking for a woman for a "serious relationship".
She was devastated when she found out. He was looking for a little 'action' on the side. He was not only deceiving her, he was deceiving the women on the dating website who were legitimately looking for a partner who desired a "serious relationship".
Some folks are on these sites because they are looking for a committed relationship; but many are not, yet they won't advertise what their true intentions are (noncommittal sex). I would say this is the last place a recovering Love Addict needs to be ...
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 12, 2013 10:00:47 GMT -8
Yes I think it was LovelyJune who mentioned that with online dating love addicts miss a lot of red flags and nonverbal cues.
Yes there are some online on there who want a life partner yet also many who are looking for action on the side, and you really dont know who is who until you get burned. Even as a married woman in a celibate marriage I was up front with those I met online and told them my living situation......yet many did not do the same back! In my fantasy mind I thought I was single and couldn't understand why these young men on sites online didn't want a committed relationship with me, and create numerous threads on relationship sites on how could I get a 21 year old man to commit to me and not see me as a booty call. Most people said "hello what guy is going to do that".
Online wasn't enough after awhile it was too easy to get a man, I wanted to get one of the attractive young men I saw at my club and made a complete fool out of myself. They didn't want to get involved with a married woman twice their age when my husband also went to the same club, and tried to help me yet I took that as interest and threw temper tantrums when they said no to a romantic arrangement because I was so frustrated with online guys and couldn't go back to them. Thankfully this site showed me that there is a 3rd option instead of 1) a guy at my club or 2) guy online - 3) RECOVERY!
Now looking back it's completely crazy and irrational thinking and I don't miss that life, as lonely as recovery is to have the phone silent. At least I have some peace. My depression and dieting has killed my normally super high sex drive, I'm not sure what to do when that returns because I tend to act out and look for a new love interest when I have a high sex drive. I'll cross that bridge with sponsor when it happens.
swilly I would just not even try to figure out your POA and why he's on match.com, go no contact with him and practice Thought Stopping.
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Post by swilly on Apr 12, 2013 11:39:05 GMT -8
Love animals,
Thank you!! I appreciate your comments! Always really helpful
For me. I am kind of doing this backwards huh? But I have to say
Since I have discovered the secrets behind the porn/sex addicts
It really has helped me focus more on me. I don't have nearly the
Amount of obsessive thoughts as I used to. If he doesn't text, I now know why,
If he stands me up, I now know why, if he doesn't want a relationship,
I now know why, AND.... If he's on match.com, I now know why.
And it really doesn't have anything to do with me or what I said
Or how I look, or what I did or didn't do. The analyzing has
Stopped and therefore the obsessions have lifted. However, I think
The habit of it all is still nestled in me as well as the curiosity
And longing for what I was fantasizing about.
Hope some of this makes sense.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 7:48:18 GMT -8
Hi swilly, yes it is a gift from God that I find out horrible things about my POAs - soliciting escorts, going online for hookups, etc, it makes me drop them easily. However then I'll find a new POA. Unless I get to the root cause of the addiction I just bounce from one POA to another.
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 13, 2013 8:58:47 GMT -8
loveanimals, for me, the only way I stopped my bouncing from one POA to another (and this went on for years and years and years) was when I finally was referred to a psychiatrist -- the intense (and ongoing) psychotherapy and analysis has finally gotten me to the root cause of the addiction and the knowledge of it is life-changing. The truth has set me free.
The bouncing has stopped -- and REAL recovery is now taking place...
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 10:56:30 GMT -8
Hi havefaith,
I am glad that therapy has helped you!
I have been in therapy for the past 10+ years and have had numerous POAs during that time. The therapist I had up until a year ago understood that I was in a celibate marriage and not in a position to support myself financially, so she kept saying I wasn't a love addict and supported me to "take care of my needs for cuddling and sex" with young men. All that did was have me bounce from one POA to another as I would get obsessed with one, overtext them and they would disappear so I would find another.
I've been through numerous years of intense therapy to understand why I was searching for love yet it never stopped the behavior.
It wasn't until I got this new therapist a few months ago who recognized me as a love addict and mandated DBT course and 12 step groups.
How did getting to the root cause help? I know the root cause of items that happened to me as a child yet it did not stop the behaviors? And I should add that I was a sex addict for awhile and then it morphed into love addiction as I found just sex to be meaningless (per the topic of this thread).
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Phoenix43
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Post by Phoenix43 on Apr 13, 2013 12:36:49 GMT -8
Swilly,
If I'm here it's because I'm an LA not a sex addict. But, I was in a "friends with benefits" arrangement with someone for a year, when I didn't have a POA, and it helped me stay sane. She never became a POA, and we are still good friends without benefits (she's in a similar arrangement with somebody else now). So, friends with benefits can work temporarily. When I was with her, I was off the dating scene, and not obsessing about anybody. How did I avoid her becoing a POA? By choosing somebody who wasn't my ideal type physically (she was skinny, and I prefer the BBW type). Also, she didn't behave romantically and made it clear she just wanted friends with extras.
I suppose I am a "sex addict" in the sense that if I don't get regular intimate physical contact, I go a bit crazy. And I admit, there have been times, when I had no relationship, when I used an escort (but regularly the same escort, not lots of different ones). I'm not proud of that, but again, it helped me stay sane. She was the kind of escort who behaved like a girlfriend, with kissing and cuddles, not porno-style sex. But she wasn't a POA for me.
But my ideal is to have lots of sex with always the same person, and when I'm seeing somebody, I don't cheat. And yes, I would choose an all-night cuddle session with no sex rather than a porno-style f--k, then get up and go. A million times rather.
But don't take me for a typical guy. My best friend (a woman) says that emotionally I'm like a woman. Maybe that's what turns many women off me. Who knows?
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Phoenix43
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Post by Phoenix43 on Apr 13, 2013 12:41:18 GMT -8
And yes, understanding what you are (an LA) and why, is very very liberating. Like loveanimals, when I understod I was an LA, it was like a great big light bulb.
The first thing I read which made me sit up and say "hey, that's me!", was Jim Hall's e-book, "the love addict in love addiction"
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 13, 2013 12:49:05 GMT -8
How did getting to the root cause help? I'll get into it more later (heading out now to visit with friends), but I finally saw the utter futility of acting out when I realized what was driving it (revisiting the past and subsequent acting out that kept me chained to addiction). I needed to deal with the issues -- and addiction was only feeding the demons and keeping me in a state of despair...
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 13:52:44 GMT -8
Hi havefaith,
Maybe it's because I know the root cause of the problem yet the alternative is a husband who doesn't want to work on the marriage, perhaps it's easier to not act out when you have someone there who wants to be intimate and is in love with you? For me I know the root cause from therapy yet not acting out means to be present in a celibate marriage and that reality is pretty painful. I hope that not acting out could possibly mean that husband and I could work things out over time and my mentality would change, yet he's made it clear that I've hurt him enough and he's happy with the way things are.
Hi phoenix,
I also had a friends with benefits who didn't become a POA because he was so annoying with his personality, great bodybuilder but constantly bragged so I could never get emotionally attached to him. I was definitely a sex addict for awhile and then it didn't give me the high anymore so I started trying to get attached to the men.
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Phoenix43
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Post by Phoenix43 on Apr 14, 2013 1:25:24 GMT -8
I ended my friends with benefits arrangement because I was frustrated with the absence of an emotional romantic aspect. The sex was "just sex". Since I only ever see one person at a time, and at that time I felt ready to face the dating scene again, I ended it. But it was amicable, and, as I said, we are still good friends (most of my friends are women, and one or two are ex's).
At the moment I have no sex life, but I am sometimes a bit tempted to go back to the same escort I used to see before (she's still available). Just to keep the wolf from the door, and satisfy the basic physical needs.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 14, 2013 5:45:23 GMT -8
So with all that begin said phoenix43, what are you doing for yourself daily in your recovery?
And please be mindful of too much information about sex. Their are people who are dealing with all different stages of their recovery on this forum. Please try and keep the focus on love addiction and recovery, and not so much the "sex" aspect.
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Phoenix43
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Post by Phoenix43 on Apr 14, 2013 7:49:21 GMT -8
Absolutely, the focus should be on recovery from love addiction. This thread is just about one of the possible secondary addictions. The more I think about casual or non-relationship sex, the more I think it's just a drug to blot things out, not very different from alcohol. Such drugs are addictive becuse they only blot out pain while you are under the influence; thry have no ongoing beneficial effect once you have stopped drinking, having sex etc.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 14, 2013 9:19:23 GMT -8
Yes talking about escorts is very triggering for us as many of us have discovered POAs use escorts and that is an immediate sign of shock and upset feelings. I can tell you with other love addicts the discovery of a POA using escorts is an immediate way to go no contact and to blow the fantasy of him, once my friend and I found out that guy was never spoken to or seen again. I thought it was a blessing that I avoided disaster yet I would then find a replacement for that POA.
I've seen a lot of what you say in SLAA online meetings and I know the Higher Power is tough yet I think you could relate to what they say more and just leave out the part about Higher Power. Because their sponsors state bottom line behaviors like: no escorts, no porn, no dating, etc. for six months to a year and I can't see a therapist to give those type of mandates.
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