Post by mike1964 on Apr 6, 2012 1:10:45 GMT -8
I'm back!! Let me start by quoting my 16-yr old daughter's really profound statement, "I wasn't hanging on to what we had, but hanging on to what could have been". That nails it, especially as an LA, as I have / had all kinds of dreams and plans for the future with this woman.
Carolyn - you make a good point in that this may be a delusion that she was sent by God. Or is it a justification of all my plans and dreams? Who knows? I just need to remind myself of the serenity prayer, as it can apply to so many situations. The only thing I do know is that I simply don't know what God's plan is for my future.
My "relationship" with the POA is becoming clearer as I read and learn about myself, my LA, and my inner child, because as I learn about myself, I also learn alot about my POA. Starting with me - my LA began in my childhood where I grew up in a household that showed no affection or love. I was the class clown and always sought attention. I was very successful academically and athletically, but never really felt like I fit in with any crowd. So, this is what I'm learning about me. As a by-product of my education, I'm also learning that my POA has deep-rooted issues that need to be resolved, too, and our past counseling has demonstrated it, and she knows it, but doesn't seem to take action to address it. That being said, her deep-rooted issues will prevent her from having any meaningful and successful long-term relationship with any man, let alone me who is an LA. Her behavior caused my LA and obsessive behaviors to surface and really manifest itself in ways I never knew I had in me. Thus, my take is this
1. I'm grateful that she entered my life because it made me discover and address some childhood issues that probably would have persisted throughout my life. Now I'm aware of them and can actually do something about it.
2. I've learned that her issues will prevent a meaningful relationship with me, and unless or until she fixes her issues, we'll continue with the same cycle of an unhealthy relationship. Thus, she will continue to be toxic and cancerous to me. I love her dearly, but as soon as I can fully accept this, I'll be alot better. It's like loving chocolate and having an addiction to it, but every time you eat it, you get violently ill, and I only just discovered my allergy to chocolate.
3. Back to the serenity prayer. I can only do things to fix myself, and nothing to fix her.
So ..... I did something yesterday that you may / may not agree with, but I'm not (currently) regretting it. I broke NC yesterday with a short text to her saying, "Your assessment on Sunday was accurate. You shouldn't get your hopes up". She replied wwith "about what?", and "hello?" when I still didn't reply.
Here's why I did it. I'm far from a power or control freak, but I'm tired of the power sitting in her court as I always kept "begging" for her time, love, and attention. I wanted to let her know that I'm done with that. But the text was more so for ME. Yes, ME!! In doing so, I felt like I gave myself a boost of dignity, self-respect, and self-esteem - all of which were compromised by my LA behavior with her. Additionaally, it'll make my future NC alot more powerful and meaningful. And yes, I do feel better because of it.
Carolyn - you make a good point in that this may be a delusion that she was sent by God. Or is it a justification of all my plans and dreams? Who knows? I just need to remind myself of the serenity prayer, as it can apply to so many situations. The only thing I do know is that I simply don't know what God's plan is for my future.
My "relationship" with the POA is becoming clearer as I read and learn about myself, my LA, and my inner child, because as I learn about myself, I also learn alot about my POA. Starting with me - my LA began in my childhood where I grew up in a household that showed no affection or love. I was the class clown and always sought attention. I was very successful academically and athletically, but never really felt like I fit in with any crowd. So, this is what I'm learning about me. As a by-product of my education, I'm also learning that my POA has deep-rooted issues that need to be resolved, too, and our past counseling has demonstrated it, and she knows it, but doesn't seem to take action to address it. That being said, her deep-rooted issues will prevent her from having any meaningful and successful long-term relationship with any man, let alone me who is an LA. Her behavior caused my LA and obsessive behaviors to surface and really manifest itself in ways I never knew I had in me. Thus, my take is this
1. I'm grateful that she entered my life because it made me discover and address some childhood issues that probably would have persisted throughout my life. Now I'm aware of them and can actually do something about it.
2. I've learned that her issues will prevent a meaningful relationship with me, and unless or until she fixes her issues, we'll continue with the same cycle of an unhealthy relationship. Thus, she will continue to be toxic and cancerous to me. I love her dearly, but as soon as I can fully accept this, I'll be alot better. It's like loving chocolate and having an addiction to it, but every time you eat it, you get violently ill, and I only just discovered my allergy to chocolate.
3. Back to the serenity prayer. I can only do things to fix myself, and nothing to fix her.
So ..... I did something yesterday that you may / may not agree with, but I'm not (currently) regretting it. I broke NC yesterday with a short text to her saying, "Your assessment on Sunday was accurate. You shouldn't get your hopes up". She replied wwith "about what?", and "hello?" when I still didn't reply.
Here's why I did it. I'm far from a power or control freak, but I'm tired of the power sitting in her court as I always kept "begging" for her time, love, and attention. I wanted to let her know that I'm done with that. But the text was more so for ME. Yes, ME!! In doing so, I felt like I gave myself a boost of dignity, self-respect, and self-esteem - all of which were compromised by my LA behavior with her. Additionaally, it'll make my future NC alot more powerful and meaningful. And yes, I do feel better because of it.
