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Post by melsoul on Jun 8, 2011 18:19:24 GMT -8
I wanted to post about this because it's been a real barrier to me emotionally letting go of my POA. Its how I convince myself that my situation is different and it's also a way to torture myself with guilt.
I've said before that I'm usually the love addict, but with my POA, with whom I never had a full-fledged romantic relationship, I switched between addict and avoidant. He liked to do grand gestures to impress me and convince me to be with him, and I had such mixed reactions. I was so touched, but also felt suffocated by his obsessive attention. My friends believed he was pulling my strings, continually trying to manipulate me with 'kindness.' I was torn because I could see his loving, chivalrous heart, but also felt manipulated and controlled. A part of me sensed that if I were in a relationship with him, he would be very controlling, and that scared me. What also scared me was the intensity of the need I felt around him. We are so similar, and I felt every time he looked at me that he was seeing into my soul, seeing the lonely little girl I was and wanting to take care of her. He seemed to fill so much of the void I have inside and so I felt needy and dependent as I was running away.
So here's the problem. People on here often talk about their POAs being unloving, avoidant, cruel, uninterested, etc. This man wasn't. He said he wanted to make my dreams come true, would do anything for me, and understood me innately. We had many interests in common. Really, it felt like we were the same person. So I keep worrying and questioning. He wasn't a jerk, was loving and kind--was I just running away from intimacy? We felt so spiritually connected--did I walk away from my soulmate? But then I hear my friends' words in my head, remember the intense need and feelings of suffocation I had, and think I did the right thing because there was such a potential for toxicity. And then I feel guilty--perhaps I was just afraid. Or shallow--he is not very physically attractive, and has a lot of psychological wounds about that, and I wasn't attracted to him. So then I beat myself up for that. And around and around it goes.
And now, I'm in a relationship with someone I am attracted to, who isn't an addict or avoidant far as I can tell, who has some of the same traits I admired but is much more emotionally balanced, and I love him. But I'm so tortured with guilt and questions about the past, plus my lingering addictive longing, that I have trouble being fully present.
With that information, does it sound like walking away from that relationship was the right thing? I'm still so tortured with second guessing and guilt...
Thanks for reading my rambles, if you do.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jun 8, 2011 18:42:50 GMT -8
hey melsoul,
good news. What your feeling is totally, utterly normal. Not only that, but this whole program is build around dealing with these emotions.
that feeling you're having about being somehow different is called "terminal uniqueness." It's so common there is a term for it!
Have you started the steps? Do you work a "real life" recovery program?
Each step (when take in order in an appropriate matter) deals with your confusion, your guilt, etc.
Literally every single person I know has started to question their decisions in early recovery. You're uncomfortable, it's new, you're in an unfamiliar place.
But you are totally ok. I can promise you this man is likely not nearly as tortured as you are over it. Relationships come and go. It doesn't sound like it was a healthy partnership. It sounded like you needed a parent and he was a willing participant.
Hang in there and really sink in to the discomfort. It's where the real learning happens. Trust this process and don't second guess your decisions.
you're doing great.
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Post by melsoul on Jun 8, 2011 19:05:53 GMT -8
Thanks, hb. I have heard of terminal uniqueness and figured that might be what's going on  I am working a real life program in SLAA and am on step 2. So I'm new in that program, if not to the steps (have previously attended CoDA and Al-Anon). I know I'm still a newbie...I've just been struggling with this guilt stuff for two years. Sick of it. Want it gone. Thanks for the reinforcement...it does help! |
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Post by brooklynberry on Jun 9, 2011 6:30:54 GMT -8
yep the guilt is hard and all newly sober addicts struggle with it. Have faith that the program will help you deal with it. I was so crippled with it (and it enabled me to make very very poor decions in my divorce agreement, ugh) and now it's basically gone.
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Post by melsoul on Jun 9, 2011 6:35:53 GMT -8
I hope so, because I've been feeling tortured by it for TWO YEARS. Yes, I'm newly in SLAA recovery, but before that I've talked about it to death in therapy and it still hasn't budged. One problem is I still have such fresh memories of how strong our connection was, how it felt like a magnet inevitably pulling us together, and how tender my heart was toward him. All of which triggers fear that I did something wrong by leaving. And then all the reasons listed above, i.e. "He's a loving, good person" and "we understood each other" and "it felt like we belonged together" and "I feel empty without him." Etc. My mind goes around and around and around, seemingly endlessly. I hope the program will help me sort it all out.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jun 9, 2011 9:10:15 GMT -8
yeah SLAA is what made it better for me. It's a totally different thing.
let yourself be human. You're allowed to make mistakes and hurt others. It's part of the risk we take when entering relationships
I have found 12 step recovery to be far far far more effective than therapy. You're with others who have shared your experiences. You see you're not alone.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 9, 2011 14:09:08 GMT -8
I had never heard of terminal uniqueness so I looked it up. Interesting. And spot on in describing how I felt as a full-blown addict. www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.htmlmelsoul, you walked away from that relationship for a reason. Your radar told you something was off, and from what you shared with us, the dynamic wasn't entirely healthy, especially on your end. Did this all happen while you were in your current r'ship w/your fiance? If so, then it definitely wasn't healthy because it would've crossed some relationship boundaries. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about in terms of letting go of your POA. You are in a relationship and are with someone you feel no reservations about being with. More importantly, you recognized what being around that guy was triggering you to feel like, and you removed yourself from that situation. I think that is to be applauded. There is nothing wrong with letting go emotionally from someone you don't want to be with and who triggers uncomfortable and negative unhealthy feelings for you. It is your addiction and inner child that has you feeling guilty. Perhaps you should explore the cause of that guilt so you can get resolution. Do you feel like you're abandoning a parental figure by walking away from him? |
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Post by melsoul on Jun 9, 2011 17:35:36 GMT -8
Tizzy--no, this happened a good two years before I met my fiance. Yet still, even though I haven't seen my POA since 2009 and haven't talked to him since fall 2010, I'm wracked with guilt and anxiety. My radar DID tell me something was off, yet I still feel so uneasy and anxious about leaving him and worried I did something wrong. Every day. Even though I love my fiance and have no reservations about him at all. It's crazy.
As for the guilt, I have talked with my therapist about the possibility that I feel guilty because I walked away from a parental figure. I think that's a considerable part of it. It even occurred to me once that I could be feeling the guilt that I wanted my father to feel for abandoning ME (because I keep telling myself I abandoned my POA). If that makes sense. It's all so emotionally complex and overwhelming sometimes. One part of me has consistently said, "this is toxic-run! Run like the wind!" While the addict/child/whatever part of me has kept wanting to cling, kept being afraid, kept obsessing about whether I did the right thing. It's SO exhausting. I'm ready to finish with steps two and three because I need to believe in a Higher Power who can get me through this and off the mental merry go round!
I would venture to say the relationship was beyond 'not totally healthy' and into 'sick sick.' And I think it was on his end too. Yet something in me keeps wanting to argue with that. *sigh*
Love addict, that's me!
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Post by melsoul on Jun 12, 2011 12:48:17 GMT -8
I still don't know what to do when I have emotionally charged memories of my POA. The main sticking point, which triggers the guilt, is remembering the psychic and emotional connection i had with him. That starts all the other thoughts and feelings mentioned above. I just don't know how to resolve that. I feel the intuitive warnings and the desire to distance myself from him to this day, but those other feelings haunt me still. I wish I could make peace with that experience and resolve my guilt, assimilate it somehow. It hurts so much  I hope the program will help. |
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 7:17:45 GMT -8
What is a psychic connection with someone?
What helps me whenever I start thinking fondly of my ex and missing him or wondering if I did the right thing, is to think about all the horrible things that he did and that happened during our relationship. I remember how I felt when those things happened. I remember how bad I felt when I wasn't treated very well. That usually zaps me out of my reverie and brings me back to the present and back on track with recovery. I wrote everything down in my journal too, to read all that stuff if I need to.
melsoul, maybe you could try writing out a list of all the negative things about your relationship with your POA. Write down every single negative thing you can remember, both about the relationship and about your ex specifically. Refer to it whenever you have your "emotionally charged" memories of him. Think about the things he's done that made you realize he was not a healthy person and that was not a healthy r'ship. Maybe that will help relieve some of your guilt.
You are walking away from a person and a situation that is not healthy for you. There is nothing to feel guilty about. We don't owe anyone anything that will put our own life and health at risk.
Have you done any Inner Child work? That helped me A LOT with the feelings of guilt and stuff that I had. I learned that many of the emotions I had in my r'ship (and afterward) with my ex stemmed not from my dealings with him, but moreso form unresolved issues from my childhood. Once I confronted them via the inner child work, I felt more at peace with myself and my past. And healing the wounds from my past helped me forgive myself for my behavior with people up through now. I didn't know any better. You don't either, so you can't be too hard on yourself. What you are dealing with is something that was ingrained in you a long time ago, and that has been reinforced with every relationship you've had. You are trying to change that pattern. So give yourself kudos, not guilt, for trying to move forward in your life to a healthier state of being.
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Post by melsoul on Jun 13, 2011 7:35:00 GMT -8
By psychic connection, I just mean I felt very close to him and he to me... Like we had some kind of spiritual link. That's been one of the things that's hardest to come to terms with. Why did I feel that way if he isn't good for me?
Good suggestions...I definitely have inner child work to do, but hardly know where to begin.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 7:50:57 GMT -8
What you called "psychic connection" sounds like a symptom of love addiction to me. I had the same feeling with all of my POAs, like we were meant to be together or spiritually connected. I see now how erroneous and unhealthy that type of thinking was for me. It kept me in bad relationships far longer than I needed to be. It made me feel drawn to people that were just as broken inside as I was. I also used that "psychic connection" as a reason to put up w/bad behavior and act out terribly myself.
Perhaps you can reframe the way you think about this psychic connection you feel you had with this guy. See it for what it is--a symptom of love addiction. Replace the term "psychic connection" with "addiction" every time you think about it in your head. That way, instead of feeling you walked away from something good, you'll see that you walked away not from a healthy psychic connection, but from a very toxic, consuming addiction.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 7:54:44 GMT -8
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Post by melsoul on Jun 13, 2011 7:59:40 GMT -8
Thanks, tizzy. That's a really good idea. I have a feeling I'm still in denial about the love addiction...at least a part of me is. That's the part that wants to hang on to the "psychic connection" belief. The rest of me feels revulsion when I think about the unhealthy patterns.
Thanks for the links.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 8:17:02 GMT -8
Thinking about my unhealthy behaviors frightens me and sickens me as well. I didn't realize how bad off I was. Thank goodness for Step 1--admitting powerlessness and unmanageability, and Step 2-believing we could regain sanity. Without those 2 steps I believe I definitely would have wallowed and remained stuck in guilt, pain, self-hate, self-pity, defeat and most of all, shame.
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Post by melsoul on Jun 13, 2011 8:29:04 GMT -8
I've taken those steps but am still wallowing...which probably means I'm still stuck in some denial.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 9:27:11 GMT -8
What exactly is it that you deny? That you're a love addict? That you can't get better? What??
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Post by melsoul on Jun 13, 2011 9:31:46 GMT -8
That the connection I felt was in fact addiction, that I don't deserve to feel guilty, and that I can ever get over it.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 9:55:38 GMT -8
Have you been doing any active recovery work, like SLAA meetings, the 12 steps, journaling, reading, inner child work? That helped me a lot in facing the fact that I do indeed have an addiction. Actually, I knew I was a love addict once I took that 40-question test and passed all the questions with bright flying colors lol :-) It was kind of hard to use the word "addict" on myself for a while, because it was new to me and not something I had ever considered myself to be. I was like, in what ways am I similar to an alcoholic or other drug addict? But when I really thought about and kept reading more things that showed the correlation, I realized that my life was no different. The behaviors I exhibited, the way I acted, the high I got from all the dysfunctionality and drama, and the lows and withdrawal I felt when I didn't have it all let me know I was in fact addicted to emotionally unhealthy/unavailable men, dysfunctional love and toxic relationships. I was addicted. I felt like I had to have them, though when I was in them I never recognized them for the toxic things they were. Men, love and r'ships were all I thought about, just like drugs and alcohol or cigarettes are all one of those types of addicts would think about. I thought having a man would relieve my problems or at least help me feel better about them, just like a drug addict would his drugs. Yeah, men dulled the pain but they sure couldn't fix it nor could they fix my life or how I felt about myself. And just like any other kind of addict, my life was literally becoming destroyed by my addiction to love and the pursuit of it. I let so many things suffer because of my love addiction. It interfered with my work, my career, my r'ship with my child and other loved ones, my friends, my money, everything! Without this board, SLAA, and my books to put me in check about my addiction, I don't know what would've happened to me. My addiction probably would've gotten even worse. Have you taken the love addict quiz on this site? loveaddicts.org/40questions.htmlIf you can answer yes to most of those questions you are probably indeed a love addict. It is not something to play with. You can deny it but if you are one it will only get worse if you don't do something about it. |
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 10:00:31 GMT -8
You CAN get over your POA. That will take time, but it will happen once you realize there is more to your life than that man. Full NC from him (including thought stopping) helps a lot with that.
As for getting over the feeling guilt, maybe someone else can chime in here about that. Like I shared before, the first 2 steps helped me get over the guilty feelings. They also made me realize I am responsible for no one but myself and my young child. It is not my responsibility to save anyone from themselves and their own destructive behaviors. They have to do that for themselves if they want it. Once I realized that I was able to let go of the guilt I felt for leaving my bad relationship and my ex. Staying with him wasn't doing either of us a bit of good.
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Post by melsoul on Jun 13, 2011 10:06:55 GMT -8
Hi tizzy--Yep, I've answered the questions, got like 27 "yes" responses, am going to SLAA, have a sponsor and am on step 2. I definitely see love addiction patterns throughout my life. And yes I am a love addict. The denial part comes in when I think that THIS relationship was different, that it wasn't an addiction. Yeah, so some of the other relationships were, but this was a "special connection." I know it's irrational, but it feels real sometimes, and then other times it seems ridiculous. That's the denial I meant.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 10:53:43 GMT -8
I understand, melsoul. I think with time you will work through everything you are feeling and begin to see your r'ship with your POA with more clarity and understand why you decided to walk away in the first place.
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I hope the program will help.