Fantasy Addict: Renewing My Recovery Commitment

I thought about the peace and the freedom and the focus of not getting into him. Having room for my LIFE.

This weekend I recognized my response to this fantasy is like how the alcoholic responds to alcohol.

I am finding things to do requin. I know you are trying to help. I don't want you to think I am not trying.

This is a new behavior. I am doing things. I am writing, I am talking to my roommate, focusing on fun things like movies, walking, music. I am working on figuring out what activities to avoid (triggering) and what is good for me.

I am also a workaholic. I have to also be careful with doing too much.

Carol

thanks requin.

I am also having a hard time. I am sorry requin you are having one too. It's good to talk about it instead of acting out.

I got triggered again. My roommate/best friend having surgery, then I came down with a bad cold. I had to stay home, and that's triggering. I hate having to lie down and think.

Glad to be here today.

Carol

Ha ha! I just looked that up, what PDA is. Yep, don't you remember what that is like, to be in that bubble? You think you must look so lucky and wonderful to everyone but most of us are either hating the sight or feeling depressed, or envious, or just plain offended. I guess some people like seeing it too.

Carol
seems like you did a good job before so a slip is just a slip and each time you get back on recovery you have more information about why you slipped, how you slipped. It took me quite some time to stick to my program and face NC but when I was finally strong enough, connected enough to myself I was able to go forward.
Hang in there, you know wd passes, you know how to take care of yourself, warm baths, exercise, bringing in things that you love for you.
These are hard pattern to break but you can do it!

I once read that exercise was the one biggest factor that a recovering heroin addict attributed to his recovery.

I also go to lots of online meetings (OA is the only one online available every 3 hours) but they do help. I am at least distracting myself.

I have been "listening" (reading) the board lately, but not sharing.

I did not feel qualified; had to do more "research" (lingo for off the wagon again).

But since Friday night, I've been back on the wagon.

I am not giving up.

I am figuring out what to replace this with.

I've also been reading all your comments again to reinforce my recovery process.

thanks,

Carol

ty bodyroll.

I slipped again, but immediately got back on the wagon this morning.

It's a hard habit but I am determined.

I will make a bigger effort.

Carol

Phantom Lovers can be a personification of your Higher Power or just a image that stimulates you. Google images to find one. My phantom lover was Jesus. The point here is to transfer your Imago from your PoA when no contact does not work.

If all else fails and you absolutely cannot just be out of love for awhile (characteristic of the torchbearer) then go back to an old lover from your past. This should be your last resort and only used to stop the pain of withdrawal because you feel like you are never going to stop obsessing about your PoA. Transference is not a cop out but it is not as good as learning to be alone and in love with yourself.

Older threads about the concept of imagery and love addiction for those in withdrawal who can't starve limerence through no contact.

loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=torch&thread=7215&page=1

loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=torch&thread=9623&page=1

This board has a search button if you want more.

Note: The phantom lover is is a tool. It should be temporary. Don't get addicted. If the fun gets painful, stop.

Also, LOVE has no gender. It is a spiritual force that arises within us when the time is right. It manifests from projection and is triggered by attraction to physical appearance, scent, admiration etc---someone who for some mysterious reason makes you hopeful about living happily ever after.








I am looking for someone like Obama or Clinton, articulate, smart, compassionate. Clinton is even in recovery. Historical figures are good. Usually a PL has, or had, power.




Since Sandra's death I have made her my phantom lover. Usually I am not into looks, but she was beautiful and petite. We were like Beauty and the Beast. Her love for me brought out the best in me. Our inner girls adored each other and that was so healing. I will tell you about our game therapy when I finally write a book about our love for each other.


I am not a beast on the outside, I just felt like one inside when I met her. She softened my personality because she saw something others don't. Until I met Sandra I did not believe in unconditional love. I always said only God can love us unconditionally. But now . . . well wait for the book.



Finally . . . sometimes I transfer to my daughter who is my guardian angel in heaven.

Since your POA is already dead and an author, what does it do to you? And how did it became an addiction to you?

I went to a 12 step meeting today and they talked about how love is energy and that I have a spiritual malady. Energy can touch my spirit. So, I will think on the thought about stripping away the imago from the man. The mortal man is gone.

Okay, I will share a little bit here about how it started---see---my aunt was dying, as you may have known. I needed some other energy or source, maybe, of energy esp because I did not want to mourn her loss; she had abused me; in fact, when she was dying, she told me not to grieve her and not to cling to her. That always made her angry---not to mention the flipside message she gave me "Don't grow up, don't you dare grow up, Carol. I need you to need me forever...even if I hate it".

When I realized she was not going to be with me anymore, even in spirit, (she did not want to be), I guess (as I was reading Anatoli's book about him rescuing climbers on Everest in a bad storm) I really needed another figure to cling to and it was him.

Then i found out he was dead.

Then I made up endless fantasies about him.

Okay, I know what I desperately need now and I am not sure I will get it all at once; it will take work and practice---anything truly good takes this.

I need a spiritual figure not even a fictitous figure to romance.

I need light. I need energy. I need something beyond human comprehension.

but since I am only human, I need to imagine *something* bigger than me that will not let me down. Anatoli died. My aunt died, did not even leave me with a good feeling. My roommate will die in a few years. I hope I can imagine something better.

I am thinking of creating something on my word processor program.

"Right image": (pic of the ocean or of energy)

"Wrong image": (pic of Anatoli)

Or maybe instead of seeing his name over and over again on a paper, I can google beautiful designs, maybe?

Hmmm...

I will keep you posted.

I am open to other ideas.

I think the main thing is that I do not want to keep imagining a healing force as a human figure.

And unicorns are not real.

I went to the ocean tonight and felt more grounded.

The moon was out.

Carol

From Susan . . .

Be careful. Transfer to something/someone healthy. When Sandra died, I transferred to a guy who came to the funeral. I obsessed for about 2 months before I realized what I was doing. I then faced the grief head on. Transference is like nitroglycerine. It can move mountains or (used improperly) blow you up.

I am glad we are discussing this as it is a controversial, experimental technique. The true dimensions are yet to be revealed. The question at hand is: What do we do with the limerent energy that is killing us during withdrawal? For some love addicts, who tend toward depression and suicidal thoughts, withdrawal is life or death and we have to address the question of what to do if no contact just does not work.

I hope others weigh in . . .

I thought it is easier to handle it if a POA is already dead because a LA don't get to receive a new message/contact from POA anymore and there is no hope or expectation for a reciprocation unlike when a POA is still alive.

From Susan . . .

Love addicts are different. This is why I am writing so much about the different kinds of love addicts.

Some fall out of love by lack of contact because they were addicted to a person. Torchbearers are addicted to fantasies which they project. Starving the limerence does not work. They need to transfer it. I went from my PoA to God, to my career and then finally a wonderful person to whom I was not addicted. Currently my limerence goes to the people I help. I fall in love with them all as I watch them struggle and blossom. After Sandra I realized gender is not an issue with limerence.

You can split your limerence between people and careers and God.

Who could not fall in love with this image come to life in our fantasies.

I realize you have to be a torchbearer or fantasy addict to understand all this.