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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 16, 2012 18:05:45 GMT -8
This is a bit off topic but I wanted to mention the aspect of tragedy here and our belief in tragedy as an integral part of every day life. This belief comes from the way we were raised, the movies we watched or the books we read. If you are prone to fantasy, it's no surprise that you may always love reading tragic novels. Every dramatic movie in fact has a tragic element. When literature or film is such a large component of our lives, we tend to believe that lives cannot be lived void of every day tragedy.
Case in point: I was a literature major. I've read many of the great classic American, British and French tragedies of the last 400 years. After having read that amount of tragedy, you tend to relate to it and believe life cannot be absent of it. That life can't just have a happy ending, or that we can live simple dull pointless lives. In literature everything is symbolic, or an omen. It's dramatic and tragic. Why? Because it has to be! We relate emotionally to specific characters or writers because we BELIEVE in and relate to their tragic lives. And it's so easy to want to live your life like they do in Hollywood.
Well guess what, all of life doesn't have to be tragic. It can be a comedy. It can be a story with no point. It can be simple. It can be complex. It can be average--as most lives are.
But I think one of the most important things YOU, looking4direction, might have to do, is change your paradigm and the way you relate to this dead writer's personal tragedy. In other words, stop glamorizing it. Stop making it bigger than it actually is. It's like Elvis fans. They put him on such a high pedestal that they refuse to recognize that he was just a man who died sitting on the toilet. Start to look at the comical, not so dramatic aspect of your life AND this writer's. He fell off a cliff and died. Big deal. People die every day. People live great lives every day. This may help.
And by all means, as I've said before, you probably need to replace your fantasy addiction with something else healthy. At least for a while. Cooking, exercise, education, bike riding…heck, why not mountain climbing! Something not so cerebral.
This person is not yours. He does not belong to you. You can think about him and fantasize about him all you want. But he will never be yours. That's the real tragedy. And Perhaps that is why you maintain your addiction.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 17, 2012 0:46:50 GMT -8
Sounds like good advice to me.
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Post by looking4direction on Nov 17, 2012 4:08:46 GMT -8
I appreciate some of this feedback and I realize you are all trying to help.
this is new to me.
I am new to self-esteem.
I have been trying to replace my addiction. That is hard when I keep thinking about him all the time! I am doing things, reading, walking, talking to my roommate, talking to my mentor, working HARD on my issues. As Susan said, torchbearers have to transfer their love.
I have to love something. I cn'at just simply give it all up. But I do want to get off Anatoli; this limerence is not like any I have ever experienced. It is in my mind; not even simply a behavior. I can be doing things with my hands like writing or washing dishes or feeding the cat and I cannot get that man off my mind or out of my feelings! I am not sure I can deal with it except by transferring it. I am coming on here and reading about recovery and going to a lot of 12 step meetings. Even though I am bone tired I am logging on to sites on recovery and transferring my addiction to him to recovery focuses.
I agree that looking at the pic of Anatoli (wrong image idea) is triggering me and I deleted that pic. I am looking only at the pic of the ocean and hope to transition to meditating on something even higher.
Please don't anyone think I am not trying. I am trying! The rest is my HP's.
I don't walk right after I crawl.
I remember when I could not even move! At least now I can move!
I have a better understanding of this issue than I did a year ago.
thanks again; I will use what works for me. I will consider all of this even if I don't agree with all of it.
I am sorry I am defensive.
I need to remind eveyrone not to scold anyone or tell anyone what they should do and should not do. Not sure why. I understand everyone's passion and needing to help and recover themselves. But it is easy to criticise, scold, and judge and be soooo triggered by this condition in others. I know.
thanks,
Carol
From Susan . . . I missed this post. Wish I had seen it. We try to walk a thin line here between positive tough love feedback and unconditional acceptance. If someone crosses that line contact me.
I have saved people's lives with tough love so I fall on that side of the line.
Tough love is an intervention and interventions are controversial, complicated and edgy. I am sorry you felt the way you did but I am sure you will be happy with the advice in the future when you are ready to hear it.
Love addicts start out as children and grow in recovery. It had to be your inner child who felt scolded. That is a word we use in reference to children. I consider this, for what it's worth, a valuable Freudian slip. Think about it. Look deeply at your reaction and your feelings. This is exactly the kind of thing I would have brought to my therapy session.
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Post by looking4direction on Nov 17, 2012 4:09:31 GMT -8
Also, I realize that Anatoli does not belong to me.
Thanks for that reminder though; I need to hear it.
I have to work at it.
I cn'at do it all at once.
Carol
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 17, 2012 11:49:29 GMT -8
Hang in there sweetie. This is a complicated disorder. More shall be revealed. We care about you. Do what you can to control your thoughts and replace positive thoughts with thoughts related to your addiction. There are a lot of suggestions in our withdrawal forum. |
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Post by looking4direction on Nov 18, 2012 17:18:56 GMT -8
thanks Susan. I will. I am curious about why you changed my avatar. and why this one?  Carol |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 18, 2012 18:19:58 GMT -8
thanks Susan. I will. I am curious about why you changed my avatar. and why this one? Carol Let me know what you want. The figures in the other one did not show up in the small size. It looked better when larger. The one I gave you is our self-esteem avatar. Send me some ideas and I will finding something you like. |
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 20, 2012 7:22:14 GMT -8
I am also renewing my recovery committment from my fantasy love addiction as well.
As grudginly as it is i am at the beginning of the acceptance stage now..
I am ready to finally finally put this behind me now.
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Post by looking4direction on Nov 30, 2012 1:22:27 GMT -8
It took me a while, Susan but my new avatar has grown on me. I do like it. and thanks for sharing your recovery committment, Loving. Carol |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 2, 2012 20:16:55 GMT -8
I posted a new thread about another idea I am trying:
Reality therapy in my mind. Counteracting the fantasy with a more realistic idea if I should meet my PoA. VS this romantic thing.
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 4, 2012 22:54:23 GMT -8
I am looking at pics of myself now and loving that woman now. To counteract needing value from elsewhere. From Susan . . . Check out Celebrating Yourself by Briggs. |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 4, 2012 22:57:14 GMT -8
This person is not yours. He does not belong to you. You can think about him and fantasize about him all you want. But he will never be yours. That's the real tragedy. And Perhaps that is why you maintain your addiction. I am beginning to wonder something: My real tragedy was that I was never there for myself---only this ersatz fantasy-man. It's truly a tragedy when I never learned self-love and self-care. Now it's time to turn this into a comedy and a real happy conclusion. Who is the real person? CAROL! thanks, Carol |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 4, 2012 22:58:06 GMT -8
I am my own best friend.
(about the new signature)
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 5, 2012 5:10:20 GMT -8
Looks like you're understanding the deeper meaning to why we recover. NOT to get over a PoA, but rather, to know, love and accept ourselves.
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 5, 2012 14:06:15 GMT -8
I really am June. |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 5, 2012 14:07:48 GMT -8
I deleted my post about "realistic fantasy" because I felt self-conscious about not getting any responses about it.
I did not know if that post was contraindictive and ppl were ignoring it because of that.
So I deleted it in case it looked unhealthy.
It did help me though.
I will continue to post on this thread to tell you how it's going.
Carol
From Susan . . . I am sorry you felt that way. Please run it by me next time. Someone might have been helped by it. We only need to help one person at a time.
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 6, 2012 22:19:24 GMT -8
I understand, Susan. It just was a big deal to me. lol Okay, I'll pm you about it. Hope that's okay. thanks, Carol |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 23, 2012 21:34:18 GMT -8
Right now I am working on some homework to post on this thread, but I need to work on it first. I have to get it straight in my head and write it well.
I am still struggling with this man in my mind, though. As I mentioned before, he is still there, even though I am trying really hard to focus on other things.
The holiday is triggering me, too.
thanks,
Carol
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 24, 2012 3:26:19 GMT -8
Of course he is still there. And he will be until you do what you fear most…let go. Think of it like this: we carry our addictions around in our heads and our hearts so frequently, it gets to the point where our whole body adapts to those thoughts and we essentially grow a new limb (or more appropriately, a tumor!). The PoA becomes part of us--a physical manifestation of who we are. So…..any hope of changing at this point means drastic measures. It means slicing off the growth. It means severing the limb. That's a hard thing to do, because guess what, at this point, it's not like popping a pimple. WHatever measure you take to remove this thing, it's going to HURT.
But you have to ask yourself….is the growth that has formed on your body and soul hideous? Is it jeopardizing your health? Your inner and outer beauty? Is it endangering your very existence? If it is, then the risk of REMOVING the GROWTH is worth the potential pain, if it means saving a life…yours.
Hope this helps.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 24, 2012 9:13:23 GMT -8
;D ;) ;Dlookingfordirection,
I like what you said in a earlier post, laugh and find the humor in this now.
Once we can laugh at ourselves, and we can find the humor in our addictions and situation, this is real recovery. Addicts do not laugh much, we take our addictions very serious, so if you can find some humor in your situation, without fear of being laugh at, our judged, this will help you so much.
People will laugh with you, not at you..
So keep this train of thought.....Laughter Is The Best Medicine.
;D :)
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 25, 2012 16:13:03 GMT -8
I am checking in now.
Thanks June and loving my life for your feedback.
I almost slipped again today; almost allowed the fantasy again.
I did something hard today. I had purchased a Christmas present to myself that I thought was grey area stuff, but now I realize it's not. I turned it in to my sponsor today. We plan to get me a more appropriate, safe gift to myself this week (belated present). But the most important thing I can give myself today is sobriety.
And, June, I agree with you. This condition is deadly and has to be dealt with; no games, no ifs ands or buts.
I have to remove it. It will never go away until I do.
So I gave away my present to my sponsor.
No more of this. One day at a time. I am not even going to worry about tomorrow; just today
and getting thru it.
Merry Christmas and happy whatever holidays anyone here is doing or not.
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Jan 4, 2013 0:55:36 GMT -8
I have transferred it now.
I will post about it on a new thread.
It will be long, so I am working on it now before I post it.
It's about transference and cognitive replacement.
It's the New Year and I stopped obsessing (when I started transferring it to something else) New Year's Eve.
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Jan 4, 2013 0:57:55 GMT -8
I am transferring it to another figure, Siddhartha.
It's a novel about a man who finds himself.
More about it pending on a new thread.
I am tired now. I will sleep on it and post it soon.
Carol
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 4, 2013 11:59:33 GMT -8
I once read that exercise was the one biggest factor that a recovering heroin addict attributed to his recovery. As an exercise addict, some of us need to be careful to replace one addiction for another. There is a term called "activity disorder" and some people who have to go inpatient to recover from overexercise. I think someone can get addicted to anything....some people get addicted to going to 12 step meetings. It's more of understanding the root cause and resolving the problem with the help of your Higher Power, and doing the tough work in therapy, DBT perhaps and medication in some cases, to overcome the obsessive feelings. |
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Post by looking4direction on Jan 4, 2013 19:05:11 GMT -8
With all due respect, I don't feel very understood or even recognized in the hard work I am trying to do here!
"replacing" indeed!
I thought I was doing fine with transferring!
It's time for me to leave.
Carol
From Susan . . .You must register to post. Thank you.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 7, 2013 13:05:48 GMT -8
I once read that exercise was the one biggest factor that a recovering heroin addict attributed to his recovery. As an exercise addict, some of us need to be careful to replace one addiction for another. There is a term called "activity disorder" and some people who have to go inpatient to recover from overexercise. I think someone can get addicted to anything....some people get addicted to going to 12 step meetings. It's more of understanding the root cause and resolving the problem with the help of your Higher Power, and doing the tough work in therapy, DBT perhaps and medication in some cases, to overcome the obsessive feelings. Replacement is important in recovery, but not one addiction to another. Replace the addiction with something positive that is not an addiction. I replaced going to the bar to pick up men with going to a 12-step meeting every day; then writing; then teaching; then hobbies and friendships, etc. |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 11, 2013 7:00:02 GMT -8
With all due respect, I don't feel very understood or even recognized in the hard work I am trying to do here! "replacing" indeed! I thought I was doing fine with transferring! It's time for me to leave. Carol As long as you are doing your best you are doing fine. You don't need anyone's approval to speak for your choice of recovery. We all have something to work on. It's not over 'til it's over. I'm sorry to see you go. If you wish to return here, you are welcome. But if you wish to leave this forum for a while, please continue to recover for you. You are worth it. |
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Post by cupidcome on Feb 7, 2013 8:36:45 GMT -8
carol -
there is an AA saying, "take what you want and leave the rest" everything is supposed to be a suggestion. no two people will work the program in the same way. this applies to our recovery here. more than one path can lead to happiness.
I think the ultimate goal for you is to stop the obsessing all together, and Siddhartha is a religious figure, so maybe try thinking about your higher power more often to keep your mind occupied? Maybe you could try to get into some spiritual groups or church or something to really try to connect with your higher power on a spiritual level. I love your idea about looking at a picture of yourself and loving the person in that picture. I think I am going to do that too.
Hoping you continue to work on your recovery.
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