cw
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Posts: 17
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Post by cw on Aug 31, 2012 7:46:56 GMT -8
I am in a situation where it is very hard not to see my POA in passing. We work in the same place, although not together. As such, our paths cross once or twice a week (with a polite hello or very brief, polite small talk) and will continue to do so unless one of us stops working there.
I find I sometimes get a reaction of jealousy when I see her talking to other people, or sometimes even talking on the phone. I find myself wondering if she is talking to a new guy. I know that this is unhealthy and irrational.
Any advice how to work with this in Recovery?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 31, 2012 10:38:28 GMT -8
Go to the withdrawal forum and look for information about Limited Contact. I had to get a new job to get away from my PoA. It was a new start. But if that is not possible get her out of your head at least. Be like two ships passing in the night.In AA they ask newcomers, "Are you ready to go to any length?"
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Post by brainhealth on Aug 31, 2012 15:39:07 GMT -8
CW,
Do the inner child work. You need to fall in love with yourself. Go to intro, scroll down. You need to hug that little boy who sufferered from lack of nurturing. John Bradshaw's book, homecoming is the authoritive author on this. You need to reach a stage that you actually don't notice her, you are so pre-occupied with yourself.
Brainhealth
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 31, 2012 18:13:52 GMT -8
Inner child work is my first choice and best recommendation, but if you just can't do it use your imagination to feel loved by God, who in turn, wants you to love yourself, his child.
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cw
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Posts: 17
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Post by cw on Sept 4, 2012 17:08:39 GMT -8
Thanks for the advice and support. I'm having a really hard time this evening. I feel like the guy in the photo above. Beaten, tearful, worn out.
I've done my best to keep LC. We've bumped into each other twice in the last few days - brief, polite small talk only. But I keep seeing her around the workplace (like ships in the night). And that hurts, jabs me each time. Today when I saw her, at least I was able to recognize that it was not love I was feeling; it was addiction. Love doesn't seek to control and possess others the way this feeling does. It was not about her, it was about me. And it still hurts.
I bought the Homecoming book, and will start on that process. I've already been trying to connect with my inner child - who, as you correctly surmised, has rejection/abandonment/love deficiency issues from my parents' divorce, and pretty severe peer rejection at school.
I'm trying to keep busy with exercise, meditation, fun stuff, work, and starting up volunteering again. Do the things I enjoy doing, and try to do them for me.
I think I am doing everything I can. It just hurts, that's all.
Hangin' in there.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 5, 2012 4:47:58 GMT -8
I know for a long, long time I wasn't ready to give up kind of re-scratching the wound of my PoA and the loss of that fantasy. I heard of other people who got rid of EVERYTHING that was a trigger to them. I still listened to triggering music, stalked his house a couple of times, looked at some photos. I have clothes he bought me, heaps of things.
My HP gave me a connection with a new man who I promptly became rather obsessed with, seemingly so that I could give up the old PoA. I am learning now how damaging it is to obsess. I really don't want it in my life anymore. And I am working lately with some stuff that brings up a lot about my PoA that would have been so triggering before I met this new person. Now I can deal with it without much obsessing at all. Life gives us what we need.
So yeah, are you ready to give it up? It's not right or wrong, it's just good to know. I doubt I could have done it without a replacement man to focus on. And now I will use this opportunity to try to wean myself off the whole sorry business of obsessing.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 5, 2012 5:22:15 GMT -8
I find myself wondering if she is talking to a new guy. I know that this is unhealthy and irrational. This is not exactly unhealthy or irrational. It's part of what happens when we feel rejected, lonely, hurt, abandoned. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Yuck! These in particular feel rotten! But guess what, the more you face them and work them in healthy ways, the stronger you will be to handle them as they come to you. Soon…you will win the battle over these emotions in particular and that will help you to move on. But don't sell yourself short and think you are wrong or "irrational" for feeling something that I think we would ALL feel in your same situation. It's what you do about them that counts. What are your healthy ways of dealing with your feelings?
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cw
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Post by cw on Sept 5, 2012 7:38:17 GMT -8
Thanks for your support, folks.
Jacarandagirl: Am I ready to give up? No, but I am working on it. I'd be lying if I said that I never thought hopefully about her coming back. But I am doing all the things I can to get close to NC (blocked her on FB, moved my desk around so I don't have to see her walk past my window a few times a day etc), and trying to move on.
Re: getting another girl as a distraction (if I understood your message right?) It's really tempting, but I am trying to move slowly on that front. I recognize there is a lot of stuff I need to sort out for myself right now.
LovelyJune: I've been journaling a lot recently. But apart from that, I don't really have any healthy ways of dealing with my feelings. Any suggestions or reading references?
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 5, 2012 9:41:30 GMT -8
I always thought it was best to get busy and eventually the feelings would go away. I was wrong. I was avoiding my feelings. WHen I actually SAT with them in an empty room and just allowed them to course through me it was painful. I think I FELT things for the first time. But I allowed it. I kept talking to myself and saying, BRING IT ON, B1TCH!" And eventually, I just wore myself out. But I learned a great lesson when I did that. I learned I could handle the pain and still be OK. Try just sitting with your emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. No music, no TV, no PC, no distractions. JUST YOU. Let us know what happens.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 5, 2012 11:23:03 GMT -8
To clarify, I certainly tried very hard NOT to find a new partner just as a distraction. I didn't date anyone for 18 months. Several times before that I got online to a dating site and then realised I WAS just distracting myself. When I was ready it felt right all the way. Not easy, not 100% healthy, but somewhat on track. U sound like u have lots of awareness and that will help u enormously. Just know that if you have marching addiction patterns with this lady, if she is an avoidant addict, yr chances of a healthy rel if she ever wAnts to try again are virtually zero. Euww, and u would just have to sit tight and wait. Errrg. Doesn't that make u squirm? I hate that I'm like that. Hopefully I'll never do it again. Like tomorrow when I decide whether to hang out with my guy or not!!!
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cw
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Posts: 17
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Post by cw on Sept 6, 2012 8:52:32 GMT -8
LJ: I tried last night for an hour, with no distractions. i've meditated plenty before, so it was interesting to watch my emotions rather than my thoughts. Do you know what emerged? (Drumroll please...). *Nothing*. Thoughts kept popping in, of course, but feelings, emotions - nada. Weird. Going to keep going with the Inner Child work and see what emerges. Try to feel it.
LJ and J: thanks for your support and advice. You guys are really helping me. Day by day...
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 7, 2012 3:09:14 GMT -8
No need to "expect" anything. Accept what happens at the time. You have this throbbing pain in your tooth and as soon as you go to the dentist it disappears! Maybe it's the same. By the way, you have EMOTIONS ALL THE TIME. Start a journal. Try to figure out what emotions you thought were the "nothing" emotion. Put a label on them. Just to see what you come up with.
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