|
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 20, 2012 7:39:49 GMT -8
A Narcissist POA is heartless and cruel and will not change. Therefore, no matter how you may feel or how your POA try to seduce you to get back together do not believe him! Do not buy it. It is a trap.
Never ever give a Narcissist a chance especially a second chance. He is highly toxic and painful. He will only abuse and destroy you, cause you pain, damage your self-esteem and block your recovery.
I am speaking from my own experience with a Narcissist ex POA and this is the hard lesson I learned.
From Susan . . . There are a few exceptions to this; a few people, now and then, once in awhile, once in a blue moon, in small numbers, people who work hard in therapy for a long time etc., change, but let the "normies" or other narcissists handle them. Love addicts are too vulnerable.
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 20, 2012 8:01:30 GMT -8
I could not agree more, they are emotional vampires. They are very charming and very seductive, so yes please protect yourself, if you expect you could be dealing with a narcissist.
From Susan . . . as a situational narcissist and high-functioning borderline I feel anxious when you talk this way. We need to stay away from N but we don't need to condemn them as they were damaged in childhood just like the codependent.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 20, 2012 11:48:07 GMT -8
Emotional vampires yes they are.
I came in contact with codependents, avoidants, and other love addicts and I was able to handle myself well. I was able to put boundary and detached as soon as it was necessary. And so I thought after many yrs of NC with my ex POA Narcissist and his assurance of having changed already, that there would be no harm anymore in responding to him. (We bumped to each other recently). Oh I was wrong! He is still charming, seductive, abusive, heartless and great in (subtle) manipulation. I'm still n o t safe. No one is with a Narcissist!
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 20, 2012 12:38:54 GMT -8
Codep, thx for that reminder...bc my addict brain is trying to convince me, that he can & will change, and he will love me forever, this is just crazy thinking. It is fantasy thinking.
So iam trying so hard now to realize, I was this man prey, he groomed me just the way he wanted me, and i was happy to do this, he made me feel loved, and wanted...so we were both feeding off of each other.
He is locked up now, and will be for awhile so I have to use this time to heal myself, bc the way i look at certain sexual things, bc of him, that I think is normal, is not normal...and im sure this is why he is in jail now, bc of his own demons.
Iam just having to be very careful with myself, and realize this was not a healthy relationship, it was all fantasy, even though i thought it was real.
Im 52 yrs old, and I never thought I would be dealing with all of this...I have learned or iam learning a very valuable lesson.
|
|
|
Post by naturelover on Nov 20, 2012 15:20:12 GMT -8
I was warned he was very manipulative. Anytime we got close he would run away. He got physically violent.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 22, 2012 7:47:02 GMT -8
Thanks both for your comments. Naturelover, in that case pls continue to protect yourself. LML, yes he is not capable of changing nor loving anyone but himself. Their promises are just made of lies and would n o t happen in reality.
He said he missed me and wanted to reconnect with me. At first I ignored it. But then he reminded me some of the good stuff we shared in the past and it's where I let my guard go down until the emotional vampire sucked my blood leaving me nearly fainted emotionally.
He asked me to meet with him just for old times' sake and I went for the ride. He then disappeared and left me hanging. No response from him since then.
Clearly, he just wanted to know if he can still seduce me with his charm to boost his ego. But once he already sucked my blood, he went elsewhere leaving me emotionally drained.
I am just grateful for my long time recovery that I quickly realized this for what it is... A dangerous trap from a Narcissist!
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 22, 2012 8:18:18 GMT -8
I am just now becoming aware of all the damage this person has done to me... it is just sad...mentally it is going to be a long road, but iam up for the challenge, bc I dont want to ever fall into this trap again...just for today.
|
|
|
Post by diamond on Nov 22, 2012 12:49:40 GMT -8
Thank you Codepnomore and LML for this post...
My ex is also a narcissist and I just celebrated one year of no contact. I feel good, but sometimes I wonder and fantasize about what it will be like the next time I run into him... As in, I think I can handle it but this post reminds me that narcs are always super manipulative and have to win at all costs. I have no doubt I could get sucked back into his charms again and then be left hanging...
They are just revolting toxic individuals, and so rather than being curious as to whether I can "handle" seeing him again, I just need to remain vigilant about steering clear... thanks for helping me to see this... Sometimes I think I am trying to "test" my recovery... like I want to see if I can handle certain things that would previously trigger me... I have to be very careful about that.
Diamond
|
|
jean
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by jean on Nov 23, 2012 5:52:16 GMT -8
I agree with Susan about narcissists are folks that have been damaged in childhood, not unlike the rest of us. They are not "bad" people. They are people who learned to cope in ways that leave the rest of us hurting and wanting. I am particularly vulnerable to them too but I don't perceive them as some toxic in the world. They are doing the best they can and we are learning to avoid them in intimate relationships and to listen to the warning bells that go off when we begin to feel ourselves sucked in.
I think putting energy into what "they" are is just another way for us to distract ourselves from our own work. Twelve step programs warn against doing someone elses inventory for this reason.
Also, someone mentioned theirs wanting to get together for old times sake but then feeling manipulated b/c he hasn't called since. Did he lead you on once you got together or did you have expectations for more that didn't play out? If so, you may have been upset that he was honest with you and you wanted it to be more.
My therapist used to talk with me about how manipulating my POA was and I was resistent b/c I kept thinking she was saying she was a BAD person and I knew better. I have finally accepted she is not a bad person. She is doing the best she can right now and her journey through recovery is hers. The important lesson is that I am much more sensitive to how I start feeling when I meet someone and use that information in a much more healthy way. Not perfectlly, not even close, but better and better.
I am very grateful for this board and all of you.
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 23, 2012 7:19:43 GMT -8
I do understand more now about the how's and why my poa is like he is, but I just have to protect myself now. It is just another sad story, we are all just hurt little kids...and if we dont get the help we need, it will come out in unhealthy ways.
But we have to first realize something is wrong, and admit this, then the long road to recovery begins.
|
|
|
Post by calvin on Nov 24, 2012 3:11:02 GMT -8
Thanks Jean - hit the nail on the head for me. My PoA isn't a bad person.... he is struggling like the rest of us to make the best decisions and do the best for himself. Its my realisation and responsibility to let him get on with that and take care of myself, without getting all codependent and trying to resolve his issues.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 24, 2012 4:15:55 GMT -8
Congratulation Diamond! We will surely be tested every now and then. So we really need to be vigilant at all times if possible.
My post is based on my personal experience and knowledge... I was sexually abused by a Narcissist and others have been too whether emotionally or physically. If I will excuse their abuses to their childhood then the world would not need the justice system anymore. So f o r m e, they are n o t good people to say the l e a s t. And I am advising members through this thread to be on guard against this type of Narcissist.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 24, 2012 6:05:16 GMT -8
Susan, although I am referring to full-blown Narcissists who abused people premeditatedly and n o t just situational, if you find my post triggering I will delete it. Since you are the head here, your recovery means a lot to us. And I want nothing but the best for your recovery.
From Susan . . . I rarely censor people. You have a right to your opinion. I think my post was just meant to add balance rather than disagree with you. Thanks for asking.
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 24, 2012 6:35:01 GMT -8
Congrats Diamond on your 1 year of nc.
Congrats Calvin to your recovery as well.
I also have to watch myself with codependency, I just have too keep pulling the reigns tighter, and tighter.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Nov 25, 2012 8:42:50 GMT -8
Thanks Susan for your understanding!
To clarify: I did not expect from this person anything personal nor romantic at all. I'm matured and recovered enough to know that. However, he asked favor from me to contact certain people to meet with him as well. After having set the date based on his own selected dates, he didn't show up nor responded! I followed up and taken his order for him as he instructed but he just disappeared! I am now left hanging with the products he ordered from outside. I ended up shouldering its expenses too.
This is just one of those he did that showed how good he is in manipulation and how heartless to leave. Anyway, I'm glad this time it's only one time I was caught off guard and that's it. No more!
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Nov 26, 2012 4:32:53 GMT -8
Warning people about a "type" is sometimes a good idea. We should all be on the look out for "unhealthy people" and especially certain types of people that will trigger love addicts. Avoidants are another one, though by definition, slightly less "dangerous."
AND YET…Jean had it right, and it is ALWAYS where we need to take the conversation on these boards: what part do you play? A narcissist cannot be a narcissist if he doesn't have an audience. And so, instead of spending too much time defining someone outside ourselves, you need to focus on what kind of person YOU are to be attracted to someone so damaged.
And here's the thing, it doesn't make a bit of difference knowing anymore than a shallow definition of what a narcissist is. Read the definition and move on (unless you're getting your Master's degree in psychology!). What's more important to know is that people who are generally with narcissists (or attracted to them) HAVE NO IDENTITY OF THEIR OWN. In order to be in the same room with someone who has such a massive ego, you need to shrink down to nothing.
Ask yourself why you would allow yourself to shrink down to nothing. That should be the basis for this conversation. Not defining someone you are not.
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Dec 4, 2012 4:07:53 GMT -8
I was wrong! There are some Narcissists who can change. Some in our family did change gradually. However, it doesn't matter what type of people we are dealing with, we can still choose how to deal with them or whether to deal with them or not in the first place. I am thankful for the lesson, good or bad I'm gaining something.
|
|
|
Post by Mb123 on Dec 4, 2012 5:20:17 GMT -8
How do you know when you are dealing with a true narcissist or borderline? I believe I am..and I tend to fit them in that category...but then I question myself. Am I the narcicssist? am I the borderline? are we both? is he really like this or is it my perception b/c of rejection I am feeling? how do I know?
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Dec 5, 2012 5:00:59 GMT -8
As far as I understood typical Narcissists they are too full of themselves to own up to their mistakes. So I don't think you are one. But whether he is a Narcissist or not, I have no idea. Whatever is his type if he is not treating the way you think is right for you or you deserve then just stay away from him and guard yourself.
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Dec 6, 2012 5:03:04 GMT -8
Mb123-- take a look at the dynamics between the two of you. If the two of you were a machine, would that machine run smoothly or be broken down or rusty or not work very well? Don't focus on analyzing what he is or you are. Start with common sense. Does your relationship WORK? If there's a lot of pain, confusion, unanswered questions, doubt involved, it DOES NOT WORK. Try not to over-alanlyze. It's almost impossible to recognize these things when you are in the thick of them. It is only when we look back with a clear head that we can "see."
|
|
|
Post by Mb123 on Dec 6, 2012 5:26:53 GMT -8
when we are together, we seem to work...when we are not we or at least I am not able to function. He claims it would be different if we lived together...I don't know...I don't think so. I am trying to focus on me...letting go and not obsessing...it is very hard...I don't know how not to obsess about him...I take my anti anxiety meds ...then they make me tired or slow me down and it helps a bit.
|
|
|
Post by maxheadcase on Dec 7, 2012 7:21:16 GMT -8
mb123, I don't know if either of you are a narcissist. It seems more toxic, he is toxic for you. Someone who is mean, rude, cruel, manipulative, disrespectful of you and your feelings. You wrote when you are together the two of you seem to work. When you are with your poa do you ever have to walk on egg shells? Does he act in any of the above ways when you are together? When we are a love addict its easy for us to be blind to or ignore how the other person treats us. Because of our low self esteem we allow ourselves to be treated in ways a normal, healthy person would not put up with. We try to do things for the other person that we think will make the other person accept us more. We've talked in the past and to me it just seems your poa is toxic in your life and you really need to find a way to sever all connections with him if you want to be done with the way you feel inside. Time does heal all wounds.....or lessens them. Walk away, cut him out of your life and I guarantee you will feel so much better within 6 months. At least you'll get back some of your sanity while the obsessiveness and anxiety will diminish! Take care mb123! PS: You also wrote that you cannot function when the two of you aren't together. Your addiction kicks in and all the stuff that comes with this addiction come at you 10 fold. This person has way too much power over your emotions. Moving in would be a recipe for disaster as then he would have total control over you. mb123, you can defeat the addiction you have with this person, but a part of you is holding on. Let it go. You will be a happier person for it!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 7, 2012 17:11:31 GMT -8
NPD is rare. Most people have narcissistic tendencies or are closest/situational narcissists. Also referred to as high-functioning. What distinguishes narcissists is they feel little to no compassion. If we lack compassion for them then this is a narcissistic tendency. Let's keep focused on ourselves. Step two of my recovery program.
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 8, 2012 2:37:00 GMT -8
mb123, this is what our poa's do, they want too keep us so beat down and weak that we can not leave, they want us to think it is all of our faults, this is what they do.
Can you call your local womens shelter? This does not cost anything, and you can get alot of support, and alot of information to get away from your poa, because until you have some time apart from him, you can not see the damage he has done..
Call the domestic violence hotline, and find a local shelter get into a network of women who will support you, this is not for you too try and do alone, we need other people to helps us, reach out and let someone help you.
Here is the # 1800-799-7233 (safe)
You deserve so much better than this, even if you are alone, you are a human being, not a object..
|
|
|
Post by Mb123 on Dec 9, 2012 6:46:23 GMT -8
Loving my life...we do not live together...but thank you for the info...he says our relationship is not better b/c we do not live together and holds that as a carrot in front of me...but I know better
|
|
|
Post by Mb123 on Dec 9, 2012 6:50:02 GMT -8
maxx..
thank you for your insightful response...you are right and that is what I do b/c of low self esteem. ...I don't know why but this man has the power to make me feel worthless and I don't know how to walk away...I don't...he has me in tears every day with hurtful words or indifference....ore even when he is nice it doesn't seem genuine...I am trying to ignore him and get on with my life, do healthier things but I always backslide...I am not as bad...I don't phone obsessively and have not seen him in weeks but I still have this obsession/addiction
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 9, 2012 8:31:20 GMT -8
Domestic violence does not just happen when you live with someone, if someone is emotionally abusing you this is still abuse....it is about having total control over another human being. I never met my poa, he is 300 miles away, but he has done plenty of damage without ever touching me. Our poa's know we have low self esteem, and we just want this "perfect" relationship, and they will just keep lying and manipulating and hurting us as long as we keep thinking that he will or can change. Some people just do not have the capacity for feelings, and this is why we keep getting hurt, over and over again. Because we love some much, we just cant understand how someone could not have feelings, and it keeps us on this unhealthy merry go round.
|
|
|
Post by Mb123 on Dec 9, 2012 9:27:39 GMT -8
thank you loving my life...I agree with you...I am very depressed that i continue to allow him to treat me this way...I just don't know how to break away....he is very mentally abusive..and plays games
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 9, 2012 10:39:23 GMT -8
mb, I do understand this, and that is why I suggested calling a women's shelter, not to live, but to go the meetings for support. And the reason we feel like we can not get away, is because we have been brainwashed, and if you are feeling like I feel, we have no fight left, so we need others to hold us up, until we get stronger. Yes it is hard. I still catch myself wanting to rescue my poa, well he does not need rescuing I do. My poa has been locked up for almost 6 months now, and I am just now beginning to see the damage that has been done, and it is not a good feeling, so just do whatever ever you have to, to put some distance between you and your poa, and you will not want him any longer. We are all just trying to save our own lifes now. I know for me I feel depressed as well, but Im going to be rid of all of this, somehow....even if I have to get a restraining order. I also feel like I have been under someone spell for the last 3 years, I could not see this as long as he was keeping me in turmoil and under his control, but I see it now, and I dont want anything else to do with the person.
So keep posting here, and try to get some other women in your corner, they will hold you up during the traumatic time. This is not a joke, this is serious business. Keep posting on the forum as well.
Hugs I know this is hard...
We are not victims, we are survivors...
|
|
|
Post by Mb123 on Dec 9, 2012 10:58:40 GMT -8
Loving my Life...I used to work at a shelter and I'm not familiar of the meetings you talk of...even La meetings..there are not very many in my area?
|
|