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Post by heatherinjapan on Nov 22, 2012 20:26:26 GMT -8
My mother is a love addict(taught me how to be one), alcoholic, adult child and a giant mess. My dad is very kind and self sacrificial and loving so I've always kind of put him on a pedestal. But I'm starting to feel some anger towards him too for not doing enough - not challenging my unhealthy behavior, leaving to my own devices, for telling me how great I am but never actually teaching me anything or helping me resolve my problems.
I've been going through a very rough patch (in withdrawal from my latest love addiction, lost most of my friends as a result). I don't speak to my family much but I emailed my dad that I was having a hard time. He was initially concerned but then didn't contact me for a few weeks until last night when he emailed me to say Happy Thanksgiving. I found myself getting angry that he was being so nonchalant about my problems. I told him that. He said he wants to help in any way he can and said "tell me what to do." That made me angry again. I don't want to tell him what to do. I want him to be my dad and take care of me for once. I don't mean make him solve all my problems. I mean I want him to make me feel taken care of for once and not just throw his hands up in the air when there's a problem. Is this healthy anger??
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 22, 2012 20:58:04 GMT -8
I dont think that wanting your dad too fix you or your pain is fair to you or your dad.
Maybe you dad does not know what to say to fix this. right?
We can not expect people to fix us, we have to do this ourselves, we have not control over people, places, or things, and we just have to grow up and look within ourselves to see where this need to have someone fix our pain.
Have you done any inner child work, too see where this pain might be coming from?
Yes we all need our parents to be supportive of us, be at the end of the day we are responsible for ourselves and our actions.
Have you wrote this out? what exactly do you want your dad too do? and why? looking at this, and becoming aware of what is really going on, we can find solutions too move forward.
Have you ever worked the steps? This will also give you alot of insight as too what is going on inside of yourself at well.
Now i am not saying all of this too upset you, but this is what was told too me when I first got into recovery, and looking at myself, and my part, was the most difficult thing for me too do, because I always blamed others.
So think about all of this, write it out, and how can you give yourself, what you think your dad should be giving you.
Thoughts?
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Post by heatherinjapan on Nov 22, 2012 21:44:57 GMT -8
I'm not asking my dad to fix it, I just think some of my childhood repressed anger is finally coming out. I've never relied on my parents to help me or expected anything from them. I set up a mental block against them early on. So I think it's good that I'm starting to grieve for the things I didn't get in childhood (correct me if I'm wrong). It's obvious that I was emotionally neglected by my mother but I'd always seen my dad as perfect. Also for the first 27 years of my life I thought all my problems were my fault and my family was normal. It was a huge load off my shoulders when I realized I came from a dysfunctional family. I work with kids and I see the way the teachers help resolve the kids' conflicts and teach them what they should do and think. I don't think my parents ever did that. My dad's "tell me what to do" is an example of the way they raised us - figure it out yourself. It's no wonder I have problems trusting that the world is a safe place or that it's possible to get my needs met.
I know about not blaming others for my problems and solving them myself. I always resisted that idea but I was finally forced to accept it when my life crashed down around me 3 weeks ago. That's why I'm here. I'm talking about being angry within that context.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 22, 2012 22:03:39 GMT -8
It is probably healthy anger, as long as you dont hold onto the anger, identify it, process it and let it go...and realize there is nothing we can do now about the way our parents raised us...if they were not healthy, then from what I have learned it does affect us.
I have just finished reading a book on inner child work, it is deep stuff, and it helped me alot too identify, why I reacted the way I did towards people, and alot of my stuff is from very early on in my childhood, i had survival skills, but no coping skills, I never knew how to handle anything, i was always mad and upset with somebody.
This book is "homecoming: reclaiming & healing your inner child" by john bradshaw...we learn to reparent our inner child, and it really open my eyes on alot of things.
Who is driving the bus, so to speak, you or your inner child? Like LJ use to say all the time: logic is adult, emotions are our inner child.
So maybe this would help you as well...because we had no control over how we were raised, all we can do now is learn new ways too handle things, and it will give you alot of peace of mind...
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 26, 2012 4:56:53 GMT -8
Here's the harsh reality: you want something you cannot have, and to be angry over that is probably common, but not healthy. It's the child in you that is angry, not the adult. If you love your father, you accept his limitations. He was only able to raise you the way he knew how. In fact, it sounds like he did the best he could at the time. To be angry with him for not being the parent you wish he were, to be angry because he doesn't matchup to the healthy standard you see now, is to deny him his identity and the choices he made. When we are healthy adults, we recognize this and are able to let go. And here's the BIG difference: we aren't angry anymore, BECAUSE we recognize that we don't have to like the way we were raised. We can look at it as nothing personal and move on. It sounds like that is where you need to place focus.
Secondly, I have to point out the obvious: of course no one belongs on a pedestal and he definitely needs to come down. But are you projecting your deeper anger for yourself (and your own limitations) on to him now? I did this. I had a narcissist, alcoholic father and a very loving, good mother. I too, put her on a pedestal. When I got older, and had my own kids, I suddenly realized she was part of the problem too! She claims she made sure to keep me out of danger, but that was only in the end. She remained with my father for 20 years. She also never gave me the proper tools to deal with my emotions-- and when I raise my kids, I can see this. I sometimes fall apart emotionally and yell at them because I can't just accept them for who they are. Well, although I hate to admit it, she's to blame. And while that's true, while she did teach me to be the mother I am today, I have to make peace with it and say, she did the best she knew how at the time. If I want to change my own behavior, I still have time!
So…think of your own limitations and what you are frustrated about within yourself. Once you "fix" yourself, to your liking, and you take responsibility for your own actions (I mean, really take responsibility for them), then some of that anger may dissipate.
Make sense?
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Post by redhead on Nov 26, 2012 19:59:48 GMT -8
Wow, I could have written this post myself. My mother was a drug addict-love addict. And my dad was this submissive (seemingly tough but walled) man. Everyone would say poor him because of my mom, not realizing it takes two to tango. I hold alot of anger as well towards my parents. I am just starting my recovery and hoping to work the steps soon, so that I can release it. Im happy to read another post that hits so close to home though.
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