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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 14, 2012 20:39:26 GMT -8
The 3 hours of texting each night.......even though it's nice to read, I miss that "high" that I received after doing that for 5 months!
At first I was exhausted and just slept, and now I'm getting over that and feeling like I really miss him today.
Then I got sick yesterday, went looking for comfort and texted him, only to get no response, which made me feel worse.
How to get back on track after a long stretch of NC??
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 15, 2012 3:18:24 GMT -8
You have to really want recovery. Really, really want it. That makes you willing to go through the pain of withdrawals. Because you have to be willing to face pain to recover. Without that, you will just go back and back to getting what you can from your addiction. It's not wrong or bad, just the way it is.
There is a good workbook people recommend here, it's called something to do with coping with withdrawals. Anyone know the title? I'll have a look again in the books section.
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Post by freerunner on Dec 15, 2012 4:29:00 GMT -8
I would like to know the name of the book as well.
I remember a time I thought...if only i could snap my cell in half. Become free of the power of the words that I read from my POA throughout the day and night. How much easier it would be to take one form of the NC out of the picture.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 15, 2012 4:52:09 GMT -8
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 15, 2012 8:44:09 GMT -8
BRD,
Can you go back and look over your 4th step inventory and see what is missing within yourself, that you feel this need to have a unavailable poa fill. This is the time to really look at what void are you trying to fill?
There is a saying and it is something like this: "Is the pain of being with your poa, less than not being with your poa? Does being in pain feel normal to us? We have to learn to live without the hurt and the pain and drama these dyfunctional relationships.
I know for myself it does feel strange when there is no drama in my life, but quess what? This is what recovery is about, living a peaceful life, without chaos and drama.
Can you find some hobbies that can feel this need for drama and chaos, like roller derby, going to a wrestling or boxing matches, rock climbing, and find healthy alternatives too feel this need for chaos....but that does not hurt us in the process.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 15, 2012 12:25:20 GMT -8
Thanks, I'll look up that workbook.
This withdrawal is brutal.....the iPhone texts and name appearing on the screen.
For me it's an escape from current pain in my life so my new therapist will work on me on how to change that pain so I won't need an escape, peeling the layers of the onion.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 15, 2012 18:43:10 GMT -8
Oh yes, that's it havefaith. Thanks for posting that again. I'm going to put it in the book section, I can never find it when I go back to look. It's an e-book, this one, I haven't actually read it myself but I remember someone else saying that they were reading it every day, sleeping with the book, basically they said they wouldn't have gotten through withdrawals without it.
I needed a whole range of things to get through, this forum being very integral, a place to come and post every day when I was going through so much and I knew people would be here and respond if they could. I was also seeing a counsellor once a week, then once a fortnight, going to CoDa once a week, had a good friend I could call pretty much anytime and cry with, allowed myself time alone to feel and journal, regular exercise when I hadn't before, and focus on giving nice things to myself sometimes. I also read a few great books on codependency.
Boy, the multi-pronged approach was necessary in my case.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 16, 2012 10:57:56 GMT -8
Yeah at first I was in withdrawal so I was just sleeping, sleeping, going to bed early, didn't miss anything until my body caught up with the sleep and felt the silence.
I spend most of my nights alone in my room on the computer or reading, rarely go to social events. I went to a friend's b'day party last night, and I was sitting next to couples. That part was tough, talking to them as they kept talking about "couple" types of things, their sex life and topics that I did not feel appropriate talking with them, and the one gal acted like I should stay away from her man. I know he was interested in me a year ago yet I did not return the favor, so she was not being pleasant to me.
Then the host blurts across the table "loveanimals" you know you can talk to someone, it won't hurt you. I know she was drinking yet then everyone stared at me, and it was embarrassing.
To top it off, then my car would not start as they had planned to drive to downtown and go out dancing, so I ended up calling my parents and was scolded for being out so late at my age (it was 11pm).
I am hurt that I texted POA because he lived closeby to see if he could give me a ride, only to be ignored once again. Like he doesn't even care that I'm stranded, he's still giving me the silent treatment for "whatever" I did wrong. That's enough there for me to see his true colors and want No Contact, because now I'm very angry with him and don't need someone that unreliable in my life, that shows he's immature.
Yet I tell myself that perhaps my Higher Power was saving me from a bad situation that night, that I did get home safely, and perhaps to show me that this guy is not there for me to make No Contact much easier.......vs. before when he gave me all kinds of emotional attention when I was alone every night.
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Post by freerunner on Dec 17, 2012 12:21:36 GMT -8
Totally not part of healing, I still have to put it out there.
The book...He's Just Not That Into You...I found that the author's words helped make me stronger, to see that I deserved better. Sorry if I am way off topic.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 17, 2012 13:25:46 GMT -8
I guess when I've had men who want nothing but sex for years, it's hard to imagine that I deserve better. Yet of course, I've been unavailable for that in a sexless marriage so I look for companionship and sex outside of the marriage. Plenty of men want to offer sex
I don't even know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone since it's been so many years of me sitting alone in my bedroom.
Hopefully through this process I will learn that a healthy relationship is all about, because I'm repeating my parents patterns.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 17, 2012 15:48:40 GMT -8
Love,
Are you going to try and make your marriage work? Or are you going to move on so you can make a live for yourself, and you can date?
You are in the same position as myself, but I know until I take the next step to move out of this relationship, I will never be able to find a man who is healthy. So for myself I am just learning to love myself again and be content without a man.
Why do you have to sit in your bedroom? You are not a child?
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 18, 2012 8:03:18 GMT -8
Hi LML,
Yes, thank you so much because I know you can relate that being in this living situation only attracts unhealthy men, or healthy men realize what they are getting into and bolt quickly, thus leaving me feeling abandoned and rejected (that's last POA, healthy and doesn't want to get involved).
I'm working out what to do with my new therapist, I just started seeing her and today is our 2nd session. I didn't have a therapist for 6 months and slid back into the ED and love addiction badly, as my previous therapist went on medical leave.
I don't have much of a social life so that's why I'm in my bedroom at night, only to leave to go to the gym because otherwise I have to give a lengthy explanation to husband. He doesn't like my girlfriends and acts more like a strict father, it's really an unhealthy situation and I can't believe I've lived like this for so long.....
You're right, it's a father/child relationship as he's a lot older and he really has been a caretaker when I've been sick with malnutrition and addicted to texting/emails.....thus recovery should set me free from all of this!
My main objective now in terms of the living situation is to get a new job and as mine ends next month....
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 18, 2012 8:15:43 GMT -8
Ok I understand now.
The guy I live with will also question me alot when Im going to meeting and just taking care of my recovery, and working on myself, because he has no identity himself, so I have got use to this, and it does not bother me anymore. But we have been together so long at this point, I dont know if I will ever leave, this is my home as well, but I do know this, I do not want another poa, I can not handle that either.
Iam glad you are going to your therapist, and try to get into some 12 step meetings as well, just being around other recovery people is so helpful, because it will keep you from thinking you are all alone, you are not alone.
And just keep your head up and keep looking for a new job, my job is also ending at the end of the month, I get down about this, but once I start looking again, it does give me hope of finding a new job.
One day at a time......First things first. <3
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Post by freerunner on Dec 18, 2012 17:13:21 GMT -8
I feel so comforted just having this forum and reading about the lives that seem so similar to my own.
Thank you
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 18, 2012 23:10:04 GMT -8
POA said it's best if we do not text, this will help my No Contact yet already I feel horribly abandoned after 3 hours of texting a night.......I guess all good things come to an end.
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Post by freerunner on Dec 19, 2012 4:23:22 GMT -8
It wasn't a good thing if you feel like this. And not all things that are good, end.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 19, 2012 5:59:45 GMT -8
Loveanimals, if you are feeling like your 3 hours of texting is just a "good thing" that has to come to an end, I think you are just toying with the idea of recovery. Perhaps you should really examine your motivation for getting well. Why do you want recovery?
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 19, 2012 6:19:28 GMT -8
Loveanimals, Find gratitude in this, shift your thinking from negative thoughts, to positive....say yippee im glad I dont have to worry about texting for 3 hours a night, find some new hobbies for yourself now.
It take time to break habits, but you will survive this, it is just a habit. When you feel a need too text at night, get a notebook and a pen and write out your feelings, and what your feeling, and why? and this will help you as well. Read a good book, turn your phone off, put it in a drawer....cellphones are an addiction as well, so work on this....you are going to be able to break this habit as well.
Cheer up, think positive, and find some gratitude in this, count your blessings...
Dont focus on the problem, focus on the solution.
So what are you grateful for today?
What is your solution to this minor problem today?
Acceptance was the answer, Break down the serenity prayer, and answer those three questions, within the serenity prayer.
You can do this Loveanimals, you deserve to be happy, joyous and free. :-)
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Post by requin on Dec 19, 2012 7:35:39 GMT -8
You will get through it. The first few days of no texting will be hell because of the addiction and the expectation of it. But I've found it's sort of like when the power goes out and there's no electricity (so no computer or internet access, for me). At first it's panic, "What am I gonna do?" but you quickly adapt. It's the same way when the texting stops. Not quite as easy as that but the same idea. But you do have to see it as a positive thing, as others have said..not a negative one..to get over it quicker. Find other things to do! Thinking about the silence (no texts) just makes it that much worse. And put your phone away..don't leave it sitting where you can see it. That helps me quite a bit.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 19, 2012 21:43:46 GMT -8
I miss the texts because any time I meet a nice guy who isn't a scumbag who sends sexual texts, he gets scared off that I'm married. Even if I say we haven't had sex in years and I'm working to be on my own. It's just so frustrating. I can understand from their perspective, yet I also explain to them how expensive apartment rent is here, how it costs almost as much as my mortgage with 2 people living in one large home.
I just have had it and can't deal with unhealthy men.....so to have someone nice and act concerned after feeling abandoned for years, and then to withdraw it, is like torture. Meanwhile my parents say I have to live like this until daughter is age 18......and I disagree.
They say I should be happy celibate and just focus on my daughter. They don't understand that I'm also verbally abused and constantly put down, and I feel like they and husband still treat me like a child when I'm 41!
Yes the gratitude lists help, I'm doing those as part of The Magic book so I don't go into a downward spiral thinking of my job ending, cost of rent, impact of moving out on daughter because I moved out before and rarely saw her, so that was horrid. This time around I will get better legal counsel.
Plus I got constant compliments from POA and positive reinforcements. He even wanted me to read my Step 4 inventory to him and wanted to help me, and now I get the cold shoulder, it's awkward when it's just the two of us in the free weights room, and I have no idea why he's angry with me and said to stop texting (which will help the withdrawal).....I need to get past 4 days.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 22, 2012 17:35:20 GMT -8
Every horrible POA from my past is texting or sending Facebook messages. Is this normal in recovery? I'm so proud of myself I just blocked a former POA! And I ignored another slime ball man who left me a voicemail to get together. Now to get beyond 4 days of no texting current POA, I had another 4 day block of no contact this week yet texted him a photo of my friend and I last night
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Post by freerunner on Dec 22, 2012 17:40:11 GMT -8
Loveanimals...have you ever considered deleting Facebook? I think it is so liberating, to know that you cannot check up on former poa's or receive their messages ever again. Just knowing that you have reached out on your own to do that is so similar to blocking a former poa on your cell or email.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 22, 2012 21:18:15 GMT -8
Hi free runner I used Facebook for my business. Actually I receive very few messages on there. Just a POA I ignored on text found me on there. Texting is more of an addiction, by far.......! So putting my phone away does help so I'm not staring at it all of the time!
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Post by freerunner on Dec 23, 2012 13:15:22 GMT -8
I also have a facebook for business. I had to delete all of the "friends" so I could be free of seeing what my poa, etc was up to.
I have also blocked my poa from my email, but he has created ten different email accounts to get messages across to me.
I live rurally so going to aa will be difficult, but the more i read, the more it seems like it may be worth the drive.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 23, 2012 14:26:18 GMT -8
Yes I don't have ex or current POAs on Facebook as that would result in cyberstalking, one I hadn't seen in 5 years messaged me out of the blue yet he's not on my friends list, so I blocked him. I now know better than to add those people.
There are online AA and OA meetings if you live rurally, although it's not the same as in person. There's an online Skype meeting on here too.
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Post by freerunner on Dec 23, 2012 15:20:20 GMT -8
Could you please send me the link?
thank you
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 23, 2012 16:31:41 GMT -8
freerunner,
He posted on today's forum the next skype meeting is Dec 30th. Look on that thread for all the information how to sign up and what needs to be done before that time. I have not done a skype meeting so Im not sure how it works. . Sorry I could not send the link.
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Post by freerunner on Dec 23, 2012 18:19:41 GMT -8
Thank you Loving My Life and loveanimals.
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 23, 2012 23:17:56 GMT -8
I'm having a challenging time with the food around the holidays and feeling lonely without a POA. The food part I dealt with much better today. POA part I need help. I've been jumping from guy to guy for almost eighteen years now. I finally took a break but sinking into the "new guy" hunt again.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 24, 2012 3:43:00 GMT -8
Recover and change are not easy. Keep your ultimate goal (to be healthy once and for all) in your brain at all times, especially through the holidays. Use tips and tricks to get you through…change your idea of what the holiday means to you. Instead of having be about family and friends, redefine it as a time of quiet meditation and soul searching. The more creative and resourceful you are during this time, the more successful you will be at making it through.
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