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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jan 3, 2013 20:15:23 GMT -8
Hello All and Wishing you a healthy New Year.
It really struck me today that I havent been able to Admit that I am addicted and have been addicted for many many years to men who are unavailable.
It seems that thats the one thing I was not willing to admit.
It is very clear and apparent that once I realize they are unavailable,,, that's when my obsession kicks in.
I recently went out for a few dates with a guy I liked very much and we had a terrific time.
He never called me again.
I began to get obsessed, but this time I defriended him on facebook and Remembered what Judith Sills said" They are all Mr. Maybe, not Mr. Right and I have moved on.
Keep up the good work! HK
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 4, 2013 11:51:53 GMT -8
Hi Healing,
I believe that many of us fall into this category of being addicted to unavailable men.
Men who pursue me turn me off.....it's the ones who flirt a little but then stop talking to me, then I get obsessed too. Part of recovery is learning to stop that behavior.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 5, 2013 5:05:14 GMT -8
Good for you! I also idolise men I meet without realising it. I put them on pedestals and think they are perfect and have my best interests at heart. I imagine that they will want to look after me and love me once they get to know me. It's like how I thought about my father, over and over. My father turned out, sadly, to be almost completely unavailable to me.
And with Facebook, I reckon don't friend guys you are dating! Why bother? It's not like you need to, you're dating to get to know each other, not keeping in touch like old friends or ones who don't have time to see each other. Keep FB for actual friends, not potential boyfriends. After 3 or 4 months, then yeah, maybe friend them then. After you've been through "the switch"! (A Fine Romance).
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Post by rwatson on Jan 26, 2015 1:11:28 GMT -8
maybe you will find the right guy soon.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 28, 2015 5:42:00 GMT -8
Since today is one of my off days for this week, I can read posts like this...(But next time, I might not bother anymore.) maybe you will find the right guy soon. Soon...Really? How soon? First, it takes time to know a person really well to say he's the right guy. And second, there is no guarantee to find so-called, "Mr. Right Guy". |
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Post by daisymae on Jan 28, 2015 8:28:56 GMT -8
Seems I am only attracted to unavailable men also - like my father was. I was invisible to him and I find men that treat me likewise.
I want to change this so much!
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Post by rwatson on Mar 4, 2015 1:15:23 GMT -8
Since today is one of my off days for this week, I can read posts like this...(But next time, I might not bother anymore.) maybe you will find the right guy soon. Soon...Really? How soon? First, it takes time to know a person really well to say he's the right guy. And second, there is no guarantee to find so-called, "Mr. Right Guy". yes, that's true, but for me and for some people i knew, when the right one comes, you will just feel it. it maybe sounds absurd, and i can't really explain it in details, but to shorten it, the magic between you and that other person will connect and activated in some manner ways. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 4, 2015 2:38:52 GMT -8
rwatson,
Chemistry and "magic" are indeed very important in finding a good match, but to have a healthy relationship you need much, much more than just "magic." You need to use your intellect also, not just your heart. You need to be patient and learn a person before making too big a commitment, you need to be willing to let go if you see red flags (Mr. Magic might have red flags that could make your life miserable), and you need to know your values and stick to them and choose them over love every time. If the man or woman with which you have chemistry ALSO shares your same values, THEN, it can be a healthy relationship. But to hold out only for magic is short-changing yourself and not using your full self to make a decision.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 4, 2015 2:41:48 GMT -8
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 4, 2015 13:38:14 GMT -8
Since today is one of my off days for this week, I can read posts like this...(But next time, I might not bother anymore.) Soon...Really? How soon? First, it takes time to know a person really well to say he's the right guy. And second, there is no guarantee to find so-called, "Mr. Right Guy". yes, that's true, but for me and for some people i knew, when the right one comes, you will just feel it. it maybe sounds absurd, and i can't really explain it in details, but to shorten it, the magic between you and that other person will connect and activated in some manner ways. The idea that you will "just feel it." is addictive thinking. What you "just feel" is an attraction to your Imago which is a fantasy lover you are carrying around in your head which, in turn, is a composite of your mom and dad and your lost self. Please read one of he Harville Hendrix books to understand this. Attraction is nothing more than projection which is no where near real love. Please keep reading about this. It will change your life. In this new age we cannot trust our attraction mechanism and the social contract between two people is fluid and different compared to the one I call "me Tarzan; you Jane." Our roles used to be subscribed for us. Now we negotiate them before commitment. See "A Fine Romance." I don't want to hurt your feelings, but "wake up." You are romanticizing love like I used to do. It is like an alcoholic getting drunk to think this way.   |
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 4, 2015 14:15:04 GMT -8
That is exactly what I need. Reading this article my heart started to raise and I knew this mirror effect back in 2011 while going to therapy and separation with kids dad, but I did never saw a real point. Wauuu. I need to do loads off writing and thinking.thank you for sharing and writing about it. |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 4, 2015 17:45:39 GMT -8
Susan says it like it is. Attraction? Let's talk attraction. I almost left my husband of 20+ years for someone I was 'attracted' to.
Husband -- loving, decent, truly cares for my well-being, always there for me, strong moral compass, spiritual, excellent provider, great sense of humor, handsome, physically fit, emotionally available, great dad to our kids and beloved by family and friends.
Attraction guy -- a sex addict, has gambling debts of $60,000, trolls for women at anonymous meetings (which is where he found me), manipulative, emotionally unavailable -- pretty much a train wreck. BUT -- he was an incredible "composite of mom, dad and my lost self" -- I could not have found anyone who could have fit that bill any better.
I thank my dear HP, an insightful psychiatrist, Susan and this board, for saving me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Heed Susan's words...
HaveFaith
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Post by Loveanimals on Mar 4, 2015 23:31:10 GMT -8
Yes, I have realized that most women I know in real life choose their partners on "well he and I have chemistry", not any type of rational thought if the guy is compatible or not.
I can have "chemistry" and "strong feelings" for a lot of men who are not the best partners for me at all. It's just attraction, the new love, new high that quickly wears off....
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 5, 2015 4:20:37 GMT -8
Let's not forget too that the whole concept of "chemistry" and "magic" and being hit by Cupid's arrow is PERFECTLY acceptable for a teenager. It is in this manner that a teen learns about the world around him or her, and learns to recognize deeper emotions without having them make sense. There is room for huge errors in judgment for a teenager. They are supposed to make these kinds of mistakes (falling in love with the wrong person), because like anything you haven't yet learned to do, they need practice. Only when your growth has been stunted do you think you can still get away with a romanticized Hollywood version of love. It's on the same lines as a child believing in Santa Claus. If you are 40 and still believe in Santa, something, at some point went seriously wrong  |
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Post by SeasonsChange on Mar 5, 2015 13:39:23 GMT -8
Great article LovelyJune I am excited by this revelation. Especially since I have changed so much since I was entrenched in my particular obsession with my POA. I have been thinking a lot lately about if/when I run into him again. I know it will happen eventually as he is in several circles of friends and colleagues. (This is why your latest victory @pbh was so encouraging) I feel that I am preparing myself mentally and this article really helps. It helps because instead of feeling like I will 'go to his level' the minute I see him. I will instead use him as a measurement of the level I am now at. I have choices. I am using my choices to become a grown-up in this area. Grown-ups don't get all giddy and act naive around other grown ups. Grown-ups don't do things inadvertently. Grown-ups have choices. I have choices. (Ok brain, please listen to me on this!! Lol) |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 5, 2015 18:27:03 GMT -8
LJ pointed out, "Only when your growth has been stunted..." BINGO!
My psychiatrist said I was developmentally delayed -- and a big battle was (still is at times) being waged -- the 15 year old in me vs. the adult in me. The 15 year old still believed in fairy tale romance, and that's not a whole lot different than still believing in Santa Claus! The 15 year old steered the bus for years and led me straight into Love Addiction. The adult in me is beginning to take over the wheel, and I am taking a different path -- with daily vigilance, I am beginning to steer toward adulthood.
This addiction, left unchecked, really keeps us stunted in our thinking and actions. Painful, but very true for me. And probably true for many of us on these boards.
HaveFaith
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Post by SeasonsChange on Mar 6, 2015 12:36:16 GMT -8
I love that too, "love your inner child but don't give her the keys to the car." I worked SO hard all my life repressing my inner child. I think it's because she held all the secrets. Once the secrets started coming out I handed over the 'keys' to her and almost lost everything. Funny how things are so clear in retrospect. Funny too how the first thing 'she' did was find an unavailable man who totally fit my imago!! That book, "Keeping the Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix, is so insightful btw. It is bringing me a lot of clarity. He explains the imago with lots of worksheets and going back over things that I didn't realize even effected me. So anyway I totally relate Havefaith with the struggle between you and your 15yr old self. I'm glad, so glad, that we can all understand and sympathize with one another. As well as encourage each other to "grow up!!!" Growing up is a wonderful privilege. |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 6, 2015 13:47:07 GMT -8
"For God's sake, grow up!" works for me, lol. Thanks for your input, Susan. I will be donating this weekend to this board, which has been of great support and solace for many of us.
SeasonsChange, yes, it IS a privilege to grow up. I am doing it -- one day at a time.
HaveFaith
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Post by paisley on Mar 6, 2015 17:40:12 GMT -8
Lately I have realized how utterly boring dating can be.
In the past, I'd meet a guy, we'd maybe go out, then we'd part and my abandonment issues would kick in if he acted aloof or disinterested. Or I'd meet another needy addict and we'd bond instantly over past atrocities by over sharing, disclosing too much detail too fast, getting overly invested right off the bat. Or a combo of the two...love at first sight followed by the guy pulling back when reality kicks in, followed by huge abandonment feelings in me and latching on to this guy with all I've got. Oh, the drama! Dating was so exciting back then!
So now the needy addicts send up a quick red flag and I turn down their advances since I no longer "need" the attention of a man. That leaves me dating more well rounded, secure men who don't "need" me either.
So it's a series of the rare first and second dates followed by me having no clue if this guy is even interested because I'm not getting the level of feedback I'm used to. A couple years ago this behavior triggered me, due to the "unavailable" nature of the man. With each instance I have had to re-direct myself when I start to obsess. I've had to remind myself that the gnawing feeling of needing to read this guy's mind and get validation is leftover stuff from my childhood. It's misplaced in my adult relationships. If I want to cry over it, I need to think back to my childhood and sort through that, leaving this adult relationship out of it. Each time I work through this it gets easier to stop trying to hold on to the unavailable (not interested, not able, whatever).
I can now see why rejection is good.
And of course, it makes ME unavailable when I focus my thoughts on someone to whom it makes no sense to be so heavily invested. It makes sense for a person who is practically a stranger to show little or no concern for me. Makes dating, especially blind dating, a pretty boring thing to do. I feel more secure in my decision to never join a dating site and set up these boring, non-fulfilling scenarios one after another. I still want to date, but ONLY in the context of meeting someone naturally while doing my thing.
The excitement now comes from my activities and hobbies. If I stop pining over men who don't want me maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind if/when I come across one who does.
I guess that's a long way of saying I understand the lure of the unavailable man, and luckily I think it's reversible. I've just had to give up some of my favorite hobbies (obsessing, pining, yearning) for more meaningful activities. And yes, the dating world is ridiculously boring to me right now!!
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 7, 2015 5:04:36 GMT -8
I still want to date, but ONLY in the context of meeting someone naturally while doing my thing. The excitement now comes from my activities and hobbies. This is fabulous progress!!! I made this realization very late in life (age 40). At first it came at me as a sense of doom: what if I never found anyone again, ever? What if I did indeed die an old maid? When I thought like this I knew my behavior would translate into desperate behavior (i.e. grab any man that comes along and hang on tight otherwise I am doomed to loneliness). But, then I thought, what's the alternative scenario? What if I just ACCEPTED the scary, old maid version and choose instead to be grateful for what I do have, right now, instead of constantly looking for missing parts and imaginary people to fill this perceived void in me? What if I just became the happiest, most confident, most alive old maid ever? What would I LOSE from doing this? And the answer was: nothing. I would only gain. In the former scenario, however, even though I would technically have someone, I wouldn't exactly be gaining, would I? If I took ANY man, or the first one to come along, or (just my luck) an avoidant man, I would repeat old patterns that never worked for me. Anyway, as soon as I made this peace with myself, and removed that searchlight inside of me that was always searching out every guy by who or what they could be to me, (is he the one? am I attracted to him? is he attracted to me? can I gain anything from this guy?), as soon as I let that go, I started to experience men in an entirely different way--as people, as human beings, not "Men," not objects. I essentially stopped being so wrapped up in myself and urgently getting my needs met (and, in particular, looking to others to meet my needs), that I became a more selfless human being that could share her ESSENTIAL self with others, as opposed to her NEEDY, succubus self. And more importantly, I was then able to meet others who had this same abundant sense of prosperity of character. Mirror effect. It's funny. I had heard throughout my entire life, face your fears. But I never knew WHY it was so important to do so. Now I see. When you face your fears head on, your personal strength has the power to destroy those fears. You become the noble warrior who is tiny and frail and everyone makes fun of him/her, but he/she slays the dragon and returns a hero/heroine. |
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 7, 2015 14:08:49 GMT -8
That is very interesting what you shared. , btw it was what I was thinking all day long. What if I stay single and have no more relationships ( am 35), will I die alone? So.. Is my life is boring on my own .. Sometimes but I am now in piece as only have me and kids to worry about. Or I do as I want or we dis aid. I do not believe in relationships no more , maybe it's because I tend to Attract not healthy people.. Don't know if it makes sence. Every guy I meet I see as who is he? Does he likes me... Ohh just not right thinking ..
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Post by rwatson on Mar 8, 2015 19:11:04 GMT -8
yes, that's true, but for me and for some people i knew, when the right one comes, you will just feel it. it maybe sounds absurd, and i can't really explain it in details, but to shorten it, the magic between you and that other person will connect and activated in some manner ways. The idea that you will "just feel it." is addictive thinking. What you "just feel" is an attraction to your Imago which is a fantasy lover you are carrying around in your head which, in turn, is a composite of your mom and dad and your lost self. Please read one of he Harville Hendrix books to understand this. Attraction is nothing more than projection which is no where near real love. Please keep reading about this. It will change your life. In this new age we cannot trust our attraction mechanism and the social contract between two people is fluid and different compared to the one I call "me Tarzan; you Jane." Our roles used to be subscribed for us. Now we negotiate them before commitment. See "A Fine Romance." I don't want to hurt your feelings, but "wake up." You are romanticizing love like I used to do. It is like an alcoholic getting drunk to think this way. maybe, but mind you, we are different you have some perspective in life that we choose to believe, so i respect if that what you are believing it. But for me, this is the way i believe so, this is what life to me. maybe the respect factor will come in this kind of communication. if you know what i mean. |
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Post by Loveanimals on Mar 8, 2015 22:27:30 GMT -8
Thanks paisley and LovelyJune, I was on a hike today and it occurred to me that I might end up an Old Maid, but you know what?
My Grandmother was alone for 40 years after her husband passed away, and she loved it! "I don't want to pick up someone's dirty socks" even though people pressured her to date.
She's a big role model for me, and shows me that it isn't too scary to live on my own (I've only done it for 1 year my adult life!, back when I was separated)
I don't feel so obsessed now.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 9, 2015 12:27:44 GMT -8
In my book I have a chapter entitled, "Being Single. Is it a fate worse than death?" I did not find reciprocal love until I was 56. Surprise. (Ann Morrow Lindbergh in Women and Solitude)Naturally. How one hates to think of oneself alone. How one avoids it. It seems to imply rejection or unpopularity. An early wallflower panic still clings to the world. One will be left, one fears, sitting in a straight-backed chair alone, while the popular girls are already chosen and spinning around the dance floor with their hot-palmed partners. We seem so frightened today of being alone that we never let it happen...When the noise stops there is no inner music to take its place. We must re-learn to be alone.
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Post by sandyb on Nov 1, 2015 18:42:47 GMT -8
I have learned a lot in over one year recovery in SLAA and on this board. I am grateful for what I have learned but I have fallen into my old patterns which is why I am back here writing comments. Some of the good progress was getting over the POS, two of them, which the actual interactions./relationships was YEARS ago now. Doing the 12 steps. Learning how to do healthy dating and focus on shared interests and activities (which got me nowhere toward finding an actual relationship but got me into no problems). Learning how to delete people out of my life or online profiles that showed little or no interest in me or didn't show up for a date (instead of obsessing or pursuing them like I would have perhaps in the past). But I have fallen into my old habits of obsessing about the OLD POAs from now even more years ago, they have not gone away and I still think about them, and even in the case of one person, write him letters (that i seldom send) on my computer. About 3 days ago I reached the point of realizing this is unmanageable addictive behavior even writing these letters, it is romantic obsession with a capital R and a capital O. Why is there no section on this board called Romantic Obsession, it's such a major problematic part of love addiction and so many people suffer from it? So tonight I have come here to write instead of writing to a person who in truth I have no connection for years and has shown even no desire to communicate with me for years. But for the past 3 months I have been writing to him every day. So that's my story.
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Post by sandyb on Nov 1, 2015 18:47:05 GMT -8
I have learned a lot in over one year recovery in SLAA and on this board. I am grateful for what I have learned but I have fallen into my old patterns which is why I am back here writing comments. Some of the good progress was getting over the POS, two of them, which the actual interactions./relationships was YEARS ago now. Doing the 12 steps. Learning how to do healthy dating and focus on shared interests and activities (which got me nowhere toward finding an actual relationship but got me into no problems). Learning how to delete people out of my life or online profiles that showed little or no interest in me or didn't show up for a date (instead of obsessing or pursuing them like I would have perhaps in the past). But I have fallen into my old habits of obsessing about the OLD POAs from now even more years ago, they have not gone away and I still think about them, and even in the case of one person, write him letters (that i seldom send) on my computer. About 3 days ago I reached the point of realizing this is unmanageable addictive behavior even writing these letters, it is romantic obsession with a capital R and a capital O. Why is there no section on this board called Romantic Obsession, it's such a major problematic part of love addiction and so many people suffer from it? So tonight I have come here to write instead of writing to a person who in truth I have no connection for years and has shown even no desire to communicate with me for years. But for the past 3 months I have been writing to him every day. So that's my story. |
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Post by sandyb on Nov 1, 2015 18:49:18 GMT -8
I am actually not a new member as this post says, but i don't know how to get reconnected to my old account, i forget the name it was sandy and something like love is all around us. maybe someone can email me to connect these accounts, they are both lnked to my email. thanks.
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Post by loveellen on Nov 1, 2015 21:38:30 GMT -8
I still want to date, but ONLY in the context of meeting someone naturally while doing my thing. The excitement now comes from my activities and hobbies. This is fabulous progress!!! I made this realization very late in life (age 40). At first it came at me as a sense of doom: what if I never found anyone again, ever? What if I did indeed die an old maid? When I thought like this I knew my behavior would translate into desperate behavior (i.e. grab any man that comes along and hang on tight otherwise I am doomed to loneliness). But, then I thought, what's the alternative scenario? What if I just ACCEPTED the scary, old maid version and choose instead to be grateful for what I do have, right now, instead of constantly looking for missing parts and imaginary people to fill this perceived void in me? What if I just became the happiest, most confident, most alive old maid ever? What would I LOSE from doing this? And the answer was: nothing. I would only gain. In the former scenario, however, even though I would technically have someone, I wouldn't exactly be gaining, would I? If I took ANY man, or the first one to come along, or (just my luck) an avoidant man, I would repeat old patterns that never worked for me. Anyway, as soon as I made this peace with myself, and removed that searchlight inside of me that was always searching out every guy by who or what they could be to me, (is he the one? am I attracted to him? is he attracted to me? can I gain anything from this guy?), as soon as I let that go, I started to experience men in an entirely different way--as people, as human beings, not "Men," not objects. I essentially stopped being so wrapped up in myself and urgently getting my needs met (and, in particular, looking to others to meet my needs), that I became a more selfless human being that could share her ESSENTIAL self with others, as opposed to her NEEDY, succubus self. And more importantly, I was then able to meet others who had this same abundant sense of prosperity of character. Mirror effect. It's funny. I had heard throughout my entire life, face your fears. But I never knew WHY it was so important to do so. Now I see. When you face your fears head on, your personal strength has the power to destroy those fears. You become the noble warrior who is tiny and frail and everyone makes fun of him/her, but he/she slays the dragon and returns a hero/heroine. LOVE THIS DEEPLY great way to think and action .very great. and self- respostiblity |
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Post by moonlitvein on Nov 1, 2015 21:55:18 GMT -8
I am actually not a new member as this post says, but i don't know how to get reconnected to my old account, i forget the name it was sandy and something like love is all around us. maybe someone can email me to connect these accounts, they are both lnked to my email. thanks. Hi, Why don't you go to the members section, click on it and give a search with the name sandy. All members with that name as well as username will come up. Are you sandy_love by any chance ? Kee[ in touch with the board. Read & write here. That will help you to not turn back to addictive behaviours. Take care. |
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Post by leahb on Nov 1, 2015 22:37:38 GMT -8
Reading my mind MLV!
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