magickwomun
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"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Jan 16, 2013 16:13:52 GMT -8
I'm trying to make progress in recovery, though I must admit that I have finally peaked at the ex narc/poa's SN profile, thus breaking NC. A couple of weeks ago a cashier at a store he and I both used to frequent together told me she had seen him in there a few days before with another girl. That was my trigger. When I first looked at his profile, there was nothing to see, it was all hidden from public view, except his friends and likes. After receiving the restricted calls the day after Christmas, I blocked one of his friends from viewing my SN profile because I remembered him once telling me he had the guy checking my profile for him. Days later I looked at his profile again and all of his friends were then hidden. I looked again yesterday and he had updated his relationship status over the weekend and made Saturday their anniversary date. He is allegedly in a relationship now and that is the ONLY information he has public other than his likes. I'm not sure if I believe that though. A part of me thinks it's something he's making up to get a reaction from me, maybe it's true though, who knows? He has admitted to posting things just to see if I would get jealous. The real question is, why do I care? It didn't make me jealous. It didn't even hurt. I don't want him back. If he does have a new girlfriend I honestly feel sorry for her. He had also set up a profile for a friend of his that is computer illiterate and has no computer of his own, so he could keep in touch with their mutual friends when he visits his house with his cell phone. Poa has the password to that profile, which was all public including the mutual friends they share. That profile has now been deactivated, so the friends can't be seen. I've also fallen back into the naive game of posting jokes and songs publicly on my profile hoping he or one of his spies would see them, and i'm sure they did. Anyway, I remember the names of some of his friends and because they're all in the same circle, I was able to find several of their profiles. Of course I lost too much sleep investigating every like and comment he had posted to any of their profiles I could find, including one where he's playing the victim in regards to our break-up. Something else strange happened. Last week I woke up and my phone wasn't working. I called the phone company and they reprogrammed my phone and said that at some point in the night someone had changed my number. Somehow all of my security information was also changed so the phone company wouldn't tell me anything because I could no longer answer the security questions correctly. The new number requested was in a state far away from where I live and no 1 I know lives there. I don't know if this was an error on the phone companies part or if the ex poa for some reason did this. It's a mystery I'll never be able to solve. The ex poa has also began copying me and hiding his vehicle off the parking lot at work. Anyway, to the point; all of this has triggered things in me and made me realize certain things, it has also raised a lot of questions and confusion. I'm lonely. I've been talking to other men. No one ever asks me out, I have to do the asking and usually the response is unenthusiastic. I did have 1 positive response and evening out with with this 1 guy, but I don't see much of a future there, although it's obvious we like each other. There are a few apparent red flags that he may be trouble, but at the same time, I have red flags that I may be trouble too. Also, we live 200 miles apart and I'm not no where near ready for another relationship yet anyway. It's so confusing. I don't know what I want! I miss having companionship, affection, connection, security, care taking and meaningful sex (at least I think it was meaningful to me). Are these normal human desires or am i just a typical LA? What's more is, i'm terrified of finding it again. I can't fully trust anyone anymore and I don't know if i ever will again. I've had so many men manipulate me, play on my weaknesses for their own selfish gains, cheat on me, try to control me, reject me. This last poa/narc was the worst. I doubt I'll ever fully allow another man to be what I miss having, nor will I ever fully be able to give these things of myself to yet another man, so I face the lonely alternative. I guess i give these things too much priority. I compromise myself to have them, but I don't understand how a couple grows together without some compromise and interdependence? I just don't know how to develop a normal relationship with a descent man. So I guess another question is, how do I make the most of being lonely? Because it looks like my choices are to either be in an unhealthy, addictive relationship or be alone. I'm about to post a short chapter from an LA book I read earlier on a separate thread. Reading it upset me. I need to read it again, because I think it might make more sense the second time, maybe. I would much rather be addicted to crack than this. I don't know if I can recover, that doesn't mean i'm going to give up, it just means I might die trying.
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magickwomun
Full Member
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Jan 16, 2013 16:32:59 GMT -8
Another thought has occurred to me that I previously forgot to mention. My ex narc/poa not only exploited my addiction, he also mocked it. Once he told me to find another guy and i told him after enduring his stuff I probably would never want another guy. He replied, "Well i wouldn't have a problem dating again". He always compared us and made me feel like I have to compete with him. He always let me know I was somehow inferior. Now I feel some sort of pressure to be in a relationship again, because he claims to be. He just has to try to rub it in that he has moved on, that in itself is an indicator that he hasn't. Of course he posted it publicly on purpose to press my buttons and I took the bait when I kept breaking NC. My relationship status is hidden from everyone on my profile. No one can see it. He's wanting a reaction and he's not going to get the satisfaction of getting 1. I really am sick and so is he. None of this should matter and in a normal persons head it wouldn't...
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 16, 2013 16:36:32 GMT -8
magickwoman,
I can relate to what you are saying, but even though I probably will never forget my poa, I know for my own health and sanity, I can not be with this man. I do feel like something huge is missing, and I know how unhealthy he is and how unhealthy this whole relationship was, this is part of the addiction. We just have to get through 24 hours at a time.
But if I was you dont keep cyber stalking him, that is only fueling your addiction and obsession more.
And you are probably correct also anyone that you meet from this point forward is going to seem boring, if they are normal. but normal is good, and it just takes time to adjust.
I was addicted to the chaos as well.
So set yourself some short term goals, and try to just let it go. I know that is easier said than done, but who really knows how long it will take for the obsession and withdrawals to go away, but they will in time.
Hang in there.
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magickwomun
Full Member
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Jan 16, 2013 17:09:11 GMT -8
Thanks LML, but that's just it, I don't want him back. It's not him that I miss or the chaos. I truly feel much better without him and that in my life. I'm addicted to relationships, not so much a relationship with him. I'm lonely and i'm bored.
I haven't met anyone boring, that's the scary part. I always manage to pick the abnormal guys, that's why i'm scared of every man I have even the slightest attraction to. I miss the companionship, the affection, the sharing. That's what i want, the intimacy, but the kind of men I typically choose usually cant offer me that without throwing in a bunch chaos to go with it. I wish I didn't have such an insatiable need for it.
As far as cyber stalking him, I know it makes this harder for me so I'm climbing back on the wagon, it's just that I know him and I know he's doing it too. I don't understand the cumpulsion. Why do either of us keep doing it? It's absurd. I guess the psychology of it all is somehow fascinating to us. It's kind of like watching the news, lol.
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magickwomun
Full Member
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Jan 16, 2013 17:17:55 GMT -8
I really hate feeling like I have to walk on egg shells to love someone, always having to watch myself and make sure that what i'm doing and who i'm choosing is "healthy". Constantly having to keep myself in check seems to take the spontaneity out of loving someone. Inhibited, passionless love OR pain, and suffering. Great options...I'm confused and experiencing a negative attitude.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jan 17, 2013 12:27:02 GMT -8
Hey majicwoman, LJ just posted a comment you should read. See if you can find it, I think it's on one of the newcomers threads. All about what you are describing, that the addiction is to unavailable men, because we are unavailable.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jan 17, 2013 18:57:57 GMT -8
I am reading Judith Sills book A Fine Romance She says it's about Readiness. If you arent Ready for a relaionship you attract people who arent ready and it seems like its all about them not being ready and available but really...If youlook at yourself you will see its about you. Sounds pretty crazy right? I have found it to be true over and over.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 18, 2013 5:15:53 GMT -8
I think your actions and behavior need to be in alignment with your actual words. You say you "don't care about him" and that you're "better off" but your actions are that you are following him, looking into his life, posting things in hopes that he sees you. All your actions are screaming that you still do care, and want him. Try to be present with what you are thinking and feeling. Be honest. You miss him, you feel angry, you feel rejected, you're sad....it HURTS. Once you're able to process those feelings it may be able to move on and let him go with peace.
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magickwomun
Full Member
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Jan 19, 2013 2:16:19 GMT -8
Of course LJ, there are things about our relationship that I miss, like I said, I am lonely, but there are also more things about that relationship that I don't miss and i am better off lonely than dealing with those problems.
I've always obsessed over the last boyfriend until i found a new one, then I didn't think about the last one as much anymore. Of course I feel anger, sadness, rejection, and pain. I felt these feelings long before he updated his relationship status, and when I saw it, I can't say those feelings intensified in the very least. I didn't say i don't care, I asked, WHY do i care?
"The real question is, why do I care? It didn't make me jealous. It didn't even hurt. I don't want him back. If he does have a new girlfriend I honestly feel sorry for her."
It's a compulsive thing, (compulsions typically don't "make sense") cyber stalking, and he does it too, he did it to his other ex's when he was with me, from my computer that he ended up smashing. When I finally cut direct contact with him early in the fall, I told him I'd found another guy and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. That is the last he heard from me. He created a new profile after that and i blocked him and hid my entire profile from public view. I've maintained NC until recently, hence the cyber stalking. Too many weird things have been happening and I think he's doing these things to get my attention. He can't contact me directly anymore because of the restraining order, but he can cyber stalk and he can ask his friends to do it too. In the comment where he was playing the victim, he said he felt "defeated".
He has a huge ego and when he first asked me out, he said he wanted to play a game with me, he said he'd play fair, but he would win. Well, he didn't win. He lost and his ego is suffering. He was defeated and he can't stand it. I have a little bit of an ego too and that is the part of me that I think "cares".
As far as posting things in hopes that he'll see me, well, I know he has seen the things I've posted or he's had his friends look for him. Those posts are quotes from the narcissists abuse survivors page, things like "No contact ever again", "Game over", "And don't come back" etc. Things that I think reinforce the message that I don't want to have anything to do with him.
I am also a member of a support forum for those that were addicted to narcissists, it seems when you're dealing with one of them it's different. He's not some normal guy that is moving on with his life that's being stalked by me. No, he's stalking too and he is posting things hoping I will see them and get hurt or jealous, but I didn't. I know him, he is wanting a reaction. You see, legally i can contact him, the restraining order doesn't restrain me from contacting him and he knows that. If I contact him, he can't go to jail. He knows this and he's trying to get me to do it. We've been doing this for months. I'm not taking the bait this time, last time we used FB to indirectly take shots at each other. This time I've ignored him and kept my profile private, until recently. Last time he posted pics of him having sex with another girl (ouch-at the time), when that didn't work, he deleted his profile and immediately I called him. Well guess what? His profile is deleted again. He's trying his same old tricks that used to work, but now that I'm beginning to understand how narcs operate, manipulate, brainwash and exploit their victims, his tactics are no longer working.
I'm actually proud of the fact that I can see what he's doing and not fall for it anymore. Like i said, it's like watching the news, it's entertaining, there's something fascinating about watching him try to exploit my weaknesses. To me it's a good sign that i'm overcoming those weaknesses. It's a bizarre curiosity. This became a competition between us long ago and I think the big upset with this post originally was that he scored a point, and it hurt my ego. After taking a couple of days to think about it and then discovering he deleted his profile, tells me, he actually lost a point. IF he does have a new girlfriend, he's already using her to try to make me jealous, she's already becoming his next victim. I'M still on his mind too. He's still as obsessed as i am, probably more so. He's still trying to get a reaction. No, I DON'T care that he allegedly has a new girlfriend, I DO care however that is he is still trying to get to me. I do care that he still wants me to care. It's scary and also in a sick way it's somehow flattering. I've always been the obsessive one, no one has ever been obsessed with me, well, once but it was a long time ago before my self esteem was depleted...
The day after he moved out of my house, he went to his ex of over fifteen years ago's house. I don't know what happened, but she told him to leave, never come back and threatened to call the police for some reason. They have a child together that he lost his legal parental rights too years ago. She tried to give him another chance but he did something that day and ruined it. He claims it was because he wouldn't have sex with her while her husband was at work...whatever. Women don't keep men from their children or threaten to call the police because a man wont commit adultery with them. He has severe erotomania.
He showed up at another ex's house once when he was with me, same story, she tried to have sex with him but he turned her down. Whatever. He called her after that, she said "Quit calling me, you are scaring me", he told me she meant she was scared she would fall in love with him again. Right.
This man is delusional and he is dangerous. I'm not the first woman that has had him arrested, i doubt I'll be the last. I'm not the first woman to call him a rapist either, hopefully I was the last with that...He does play head games and he can do a lot of damage to someone who is vulnerable. He's very manipulative. I've been in therapy and active in support groups reversing the damage he's done to me.
The thing that really upset me about seeing his relationship status change, other than him scoring a point - which actually he didn't, is that I don't have anyone, I am lonely but also afraid of another relationship. That doesn't mean that I miss him or I want him back and neither does looking at his profile. In a way I guess I envy anyone that's in a happy relationship, but I don't envy his new girlfriend in the very least, she's involved with a walking nightmare. For now his profile is gone. He will build another 1 later to get around my blocks, just like before. There's not much else he can do to stir my curiosity at this point, but if he can find a way, he will try. I've got to resist that curiosity is all and get a leash on my own ego. Wow, I'm a mess, so is he and he threw gasoline all over the fire!
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 19, 2013 4:44:00 GMT -8
It's a compulsive thing, (compulsions typically don't "make sense") As far as I know, compulsions--all of them--make tons of sense. Obsessing does too. We do not obsess for no reason. The trouble is, it's EXTREMELY difficult for many to "see" why we do, and find logical reason in it when, like you said, the emotions or attachements aren't there. My guess to why you still look into his life and stalk when you don't really care about him anymore is that you are still in self-avoidance mode. What I mean by that is what I tell everyone on this site and my own (it is the backbone of ALL addiction): Our addictions, our obsessions, no matter what they be, are our way of avoiding ourselves, our problems and the responsibility that is ours to grow up, love ourselves, and deal with our fears. Love addiction is not about love. We obsess with someone to the point of losing ourselves. And we do that because we are too scared to face some aspect of who we are. Think about it. And I will give you another clue into your nature--just from your last post. I'm not sure you realize it (many of us don't) but the bulk of what you talk about is "him" not you. I know an awful lot about him, but virtually nothing about YOU. And it would make sense that this person is a narcissist. Usually they tend to attract women with virtually no identity or sense of self. PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AS AN INSULT. Many of us here are dealing with this same thing!!! Please take this as an open door that might shine light onto the question "why do you care" Again, let me just state, we focus on something or someone so intently not because we need or want them, per se, but we want the distraction they offer us from our own lives. If you are focused on him, writing about him…there's no need to work on YOU. So…here's a little game for you. It may be difficult or easy, depending! But I give this to many newcomers to help them gauge where they fall in the "love addict" cycle. 1.) Count how many time in your last post you reference "him," or "he" or "Poa". 2. Try not to defend "why" you did it (so that we have a story of what you are going through, so we know what a narcissist is, etc.) 3. In your next post write about YOU, your goals for recovery, why YOU are here, what hopes and dreams YOU have, how you feel about YOUR OWN WORTH, and what YOU might be afraid of, or avoiding…. When this task was put to me, I was so dysfunctional I cried because I was so far from knowing who I was. I was so obsessed with my PoA that I could only talk about him. I had essentially erased myself. I am not saying that you have had the same experience as I, but it's always fun during recovery, to see how you fair. Hope this helps!
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magickwomun
Full Member
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten".
Posts: 118
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Post by magickwomun on Jan 19, 2013 20:47:33 GMT -8
Thanks LJ, this DOES help, no insult taken at all.
"And it would make sense that this person is a narcissist. Usually they tend to attract women with virtually no identity or sense of self."
A lack of identity is a borderline characteristic, and I am a borderline. Narcs not only attract women with little identity, they target them. I knew early on in our relationship I was going to lose what little sense of self I had and he was Hellbent on erasing me. I've talked to women on the narc survivor forum who never had an identity issue or a Love addiction until they got involved with a narc, so it's no wonder I am lost. I was a borderline and a LA before I met him. I've been addicted to other relationships, but none of the others kept me messed up this bad for this long. Me with a narc for an extended period of time is a recipe for major disaster.
Obsessing over him has been a big issue for me in recovery. I always obsess over other people, even friends and family. I obsess over ideas sometimes too. I guess i have an overactive mind, hence high anxiety level.
"Again, let me just state, we focus on something or someone so intently not because we need or want them, per se, but we want the distraction they offer us from our own lives. If you are focused on him, writing about him…there's no need to work on YOU."
This probably is the case, but what could it be about myself that I am avoiding? What things do i need to work on? What's more is, after I figure that out, then what do i do about it? How do i face it? Do I accept it, do i try to change it? I think i posted my recovery plan in my journal. It's a loaded list of things to work on, I've put a dent in some of those things, but it will take a while to tackle them all, and most of them are lifestyle changes that have no completion.
I started working my plan in early October, I was making good progress until I got that trigger about 3 weeks ago. I wouldn't say that the trigger completely derailed me, or erased all of my progress, but it did distract me. Early on in recovery it would've done some major damage, but at this point I've done enough healing that it didn't do much other make my wheels spin.
He knows I'm obsessive and easily distracted, I think he purposely plants these distractions because it gives him a sense of control over me. I guess that's something I need to work on, reclaiming my power over my own mind, giving him no influence, but I have no idea where to start with that...
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 20, 2013 3:24:29 GMT -8
but what could it be about myself that I am avoiding? What things do i need to work on? What's more is, after I figure that out, then what do i do about it? How do i face it? Do I accept it, do i try to change it? This, of course, is the Billion dollar question! It's different for everyone. I think we automatically think (because we're love addicts) that our worst fear is not being in a relationship. But that's not always the case. Here are a few blog posts of how I figured out my worst fear. I used to call it The 500 Pound Elephant in the Room. I could not see what my worst fear was, and yet, it was staring me right in the face. 500 Pound Elephant thelovelyaddict.com/2008/12/14/the-500-pound-elephant-in-the-room/Battle Within thelovelyaddict.com/2009/01/05/the-battle-within/Who Are You? thelovelyaddict.com/2011/05/18/who-are-you/I can say, from my experience, that women (and men) with poor identities or sense of "self" tend to be attracted to Narcissists because they're seemingly fun people. They offer the hope of a better life. And they tend to have an amazing sense of life and adventure. The person attracted to this type of person, generally wants to be whisked away. Maybe even taken care of. She wants the Cinderella story. And while the brain may be saying, "there's no such thing as Cinderella," the heart is saying, "yes there is!" In reality, women (and men) with poor identities need to work on creating a Self and not believe in the fantasy that someone can be everything for you. That reliance on other humans for happiness is a false security. And that a good relationship is based on equality, not severe imbalance as in a relationship with an N. My point…keep reading and learning, but NOT about narcissists. You already know all about them now and learning any more is simply more distraction from YOU and YOUR problems, and a continued focus on the PoA. Read and learn about YOU and try to figure out what kind of a person YOU are. Where do you start? Here's a reading list: thelovelyaddict.com/books/ Codependent books tend to be good choices for women who have relationships with Ns. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great start. Lastly, a great way to learn more about yourself is to stop talking about the PoA. it's as if there are two roads. One leads away from you (when you talk about PoA), and the other leads to Self Discovery. Choose the latter, and here's why: you are a better investment than anyone else in this world (except maybe your children). Hope this helps!
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