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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 5, 2013 1:39:04 GMT -8
I've decided to post here about my now really uncomfortable urge to keep opening up the dating site and checking out guys online with a view to meeting them. I am in the middle of step 4, have been for a few weeks, and I have an important long term project and both of them suffer from the lack of my attention on them.
I feel guilty and hopeless about myself and the project when I imagine not being able to finish it. It's hard enough putting it together without having negative thoughts about myself to deal with. The other thing is I judge the cr*p out of myself for not having done a good enough job with this project so far. Sometimes I just have to get up and walk away because it's so painful to be hating my flaws so much.
Getting on the dating site is high level distraction. It melds in perfectly with the belief that if I find a good man I will have a simple focus in my life (his life) and that will be easier to manage than having to figure out my own life by myself.
I could see two weeks ago that I needed to stop, and now I've finished with that round of guys I could stop now without any unfinished business with the two I met. Instead of letting it go for the time being I am having to fight the urge to get on there again.
I am going to pray to my higher power to help me. At least I'm starting to take it seriously. I want to be in control of this thing. I'm not sure if I ever will be, or if I even can be! Right now it feels a heck of a lot better posting here than giving in to it. Thanks for being here and reading.
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Post by Loving My Life on Feb 5, 2013 6:33:06 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing this Jaca....just keep fighting that urge to get online. I have no desire to go through that again.
But I can so relate to what your saying, I was sitting here yesterday and I was thinking about my life now that I have no distractions, and I have not really move forward to much since I have been sober, I was too distracted with my poa and his issues, and wanting to be rescued out of my current living arrangement, I lost total sight of my goals. It does not feel too good. But I know that I am the only one who can turn this around, along with the help of my hp.
I was going to go online a few weeks back, and my account had been canceled, and I just did not want to set up a new account, I look at this as a sign from my hp, doing for me what I could not do for myself.
And working on a 4th step sometime makes us feel less than, so also do your gratitude list, and affirmations also with your 4th step. We are no all bad, we have just made some bad choices.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 5, 2013 17:16:54 GMT -8
Yeah LML, I was thinking about something I've heard Byron Katie say about addiction, and it really gets clear to me when I think about this issue online searching thing with me. That is that when we are looking for the high from the addictive behaviour, what we are actually getting from doing it is the confusion, overwhelm, distraction, etc, whatever other forms of suffering you can list that you know you get from doing an addictive behaviour.
So in reality, what we are actually searching for is the end result that we know we get- so instead of thinking to myself that I am after a nice ,high feeling from some attention from a man, what I really am after is some distraction and then a whole gamut of negative feelings and thoughts that come after that.
My main end result from online man hunting is primarily distraction, and from that I get a feeling of disjointedness from my life. From that I can get depressed, and from that I can start looking for a more serious distraction again! It's a vicious circle.
Thanks for the heads up with the 4th step- I am making sure I balance up the heavy aspects of 4th step with self-nurturing, as much as I can. It's actually making it a really good thing to do, since I am being nicer to myself most of the time.
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Post by loveanimals on Feb 5, 2013 21:36:31 GMT -8
Hi Jacarandagirl,
I've been offline for a long period of time and I am doing so much better without it!
So many people on there are secretly married, secretly have girlfriends, baggage, just drama and stress that we don't need in our lives as we go through recovery. Sure there are some nice guys, yet there is a tiny amount of gold in with a lot of mud.
It took many people to sit on me and it felt like someone was cutting off my arm to get off of online dating after being addicted to it for years, yet now I feel FREE! I hope the same for you!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 5, 2013 23:38:33 GMT -8
Thanks Loveanimals. I actually feel like I am the one out there who has the baggage, and is secretly a love addict! Sometimes I'm relieved for the men I don't hook up with. I know that might sound weird but it's true. At this stage I'm expecting to go back online at some stage, I just don't want it to be running me and it so obviously has been.
So glad you are feeling so free. That's wonderful! xx
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 6, 2013 4:42:56 GMT -8
Two things: if you simply deny your urge for a distraction, it will build and take over your life. Try to replace it with something healthier. Also, self talk is key. While loveanimals is talking to herself telling herself that those men are all married and creeps, your self talk is saying "I am the one with problems" CHange the dialog!!! You are good! You are worthy! You are important! In fact, you're so important that you deserve better than an online hookup.  |
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Post by loveanimals on Feb 6, 2013 8:17:49 GMT -8
Thanks LovelyJune, my self talk is more based on past experience for myself and female friends to find out that online guys have secret wives, gfss, or you meet someone and they won't take their dating profile down to be exclusive with you,yet not everyone on there is like that. It keeps me from returning to the online dating world, yet I like your affirmation better that You are good, worthy and more important than an online hookup.
Because honestly yes some people find a marriage partner on there, yet the majority fizzle out quickly. And I think LovelyJune or Susan posted awhile back that the online world is treacherous for love addicts because we easily will project our perfect love onto an online person and perhaps won't see the red flags or someone not being who they say they are (or not even the man in the photo! been there, done that too!!! gosh I don't miss the feeling of walking into a restaurant only to see that the man I was corresponding with was not the man in the photos!).
I think those of us who are unhappy with something in our lives are quick to project the perfect partner and miss the red flags when corresponding over IM, text or email. In person is a little easier to read. There are online predators out there and those of us who are love addicts are perfect for them, they know they can butter us up, give us lines and then we think we're in love and quickly wait for every text or IM. Only to find out that the guy isn't who we imagined........
We DO deserve better than that and I insist upon it. I'm tired of thinking the only man I can attract is online and people in real life friend zone me. Well real life people friend zone me because they know I'm still legally married and living with husband (in a celibate relationship) so no one from real life wants to get involved, and online guys don't care at all they will hook up regardless and then drop me....... I DESERVE better and I will be happy alone in my room than to go back online.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 7, 2013 3:33:47 GMT -8
Here's the key about online dating: healthy people have a better chance of finding a healthy partner via online dating than an unhealthy person. They are capable of sniffing out red flags and moving away from people they recognize as unhealthy quickly. Love addicts, unless they are well into recovery, have experienced a healthy relationship and have two feet firmly planted on the ground, will find online dating a truly chaotic, unhealthy place, and will also find it harder to stay realistic about their recovery because let's face it, online dating is much about fantasy and filling in the blanks. It's like the recovered alcoholic who goes back to the bar to make friends and hang out. Chances are, he will slip and drink again. And even if he doesn't why the heck does he want to hang around a bar?  Love addicts when they are ready to date, need to do it the old fashioned way--in person. And I say this because dating in person teaches valuable lesson that online dating does not--lessons that love addicts need to learn. How to read people, how to be intimate, how to communicate, how to have eye contact, how to avoid eye contact and so on. And here's my biggest gripe about online dating: it feeds into the false notion that love and a relationship is just a mouse click away. That it's instant. This can fuel a love addict to seek, search, and feel hugely inadequate if they don't find someone right away. It fuels a love addict's need for instant gratification. Addicts are, after all, hugely impulsive. Put it aside. See if you can't enjoy life without it. It's an illusion. |
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Post by loveanimals on Feb 9, 2013 21:48:27 GMT -8
sweetwritergirl,
so is this board OK yet not anything else online..........because I've been addicted to online boards too! Not this one yet there was a bodybuilding one that I got addicted to (undivided attention from a largely male audience) and thankfully they IP banned me.
I have to force myself to go offline and read a book!
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Post by goldberry on Feb 9, 2013 23:28:10 GMT -8
I've been so addicted to online sites, too! I'm addicted to online shopping for beauty supplies. I've been on a lot of message boards, too, even hair care sites. I've been obsessed and crazy about romantic fan fiction. Even you tube videos. All of it feeds my crushes. I used to spend 8-12 hours online every day!  I finally decided that I can't handle online dating. I'm just too imaginative, and I project a lot of things onto guys, and then I am traumatized when I'm disappointed. I have such a need for affection, that I fell in love with this guy because he kept calling me cute names. My parents NEVER had affectionate names for me. So when I found out that he had been lying to me, I was devastated. Then I felt so pathetic about it. How messed up is that, that I'm so needy that I fall in love over cute pet-names? I had one boyfriend I had met online. In the cyber world, we seemed to connect. But in real life, we did not. It was like in real life he didn't have any life-skills. I need to learn relationship skills, as well, and i think I need to be around people in real life to learn them. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 10, 2013 4:15:20 GMT -8
Think of all the radiation too! Eek!
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nickie
New Member
I appreciate all feedback on my posts including my journal.
Posts: 10 
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Post by nickie on Nov 30, 2013 18:25:49 GMT -8
I am quilty of being addicted to online dating as well. I have been with my current POA for 2 years but before that I spent endless amounts of time on online dating sites looking for my next obsession.
I had sort of forgot about this until I read this thread.
I need to be careful of this when I do go No Contact with my current POA.
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